I WAS WORRIED AND SUCIDAL

[CollegeKid21]

Hello everyone, I am a 22 year old college student and I've been on this forum before worried sick and an emotional wreck. I am sharing my experiences so that those who are in the position I was once (three times) in, may feel a little better about their current situation.

So about my experiences, it really boils down to the fact that I have serious anxiety issues and may even need to seek professional help at some point because I have this crazy and irrational fear of becoming infected with HIV. I am a Black male and have, or had a healthy sex life and was always cautious to use protection, until I had a condom break on me. I went into a downward spiral of emotions, guilt and shame. As I was "certain I had been infected with HIV". Four long weeks pass and I test NEGATIVE, imagine that. The euphoria was unreal, those four weeks were by and large the single worst period of my 22 years on earth. It was my first unprotected experience and I felt guilty. I had planned out my suicide (literally planned out every step), all I needed was that positive test result and that was it for me I would have ended it all. So imagine my reaction to being negative!

Two years down the line I was now 20 and in college, by this time I had developed quite the drinking habit (still a heavy drinker today) and I was meeting and sleeping with girls left right and center (always safe sex) until one night I had sex with a girl who I knew, I knew her and I knew that she had about four other regular sexual partners. She had always expressed her dislike of safe sex and condoms, she didn't like the way they felt and she "trusted" her sexual partners. That night I was soooo drunk, I mean my penis would repeatedly go limp due to the alcohol. I wore a condom at first and It was mediocre sex at best, but my "Manhood" was threatened when I went limp and I assumed if put on another condom it would keep on happening. Stupidly and drunkenly I said "Fuck it bro" and had unprotected sex (not condom breaking, but straight raw sex) for the first time in my life. It felt pretty damn amazing to be honest and I was too drunk to comprehend what I had done, knowing she has multiple partners with whom she doesn't use protection. It hit me the next day, another spiral of self hate and disgust, tears and binge drinking. Another four weeks of hell, and yes I had planned out a second suicide. This time I had to be positive right? The mind is very powerful and will go into hyperdrive creating crazy and unrealistic situations you wouldn't normally think about. needless to say I was in a state of depression, and to be honest I thought I deserved it for having unsafe sex, so much self hate at this point. It was time to test and wouldn't you know, ANOTHER negative result.

Now this time I was happy but not as happy as the first time, the first time I was completely naive and uneducated about HIV and other STD's, so my fear was 20 fold. Having been educated about HIV this time around I knew that it is RARE and quite difficult to transmit sexually, and EVEN more difficult to transmit through heterosexual intercourse, and EVEN more difficult to transmit from a female to a male, and EVEN more difficult to transmit if that male is circumcised. So why was I still afraid the second time, and to the point of suicide?! It's because there was a chance, no matter how VERY VERY VERY VERY small, is enough for me and many others to panic and fear for our health.

This forum is great and I still read stories from time to time, but I thought I needed to share my experiences for those worried about low-risk exposures such as heterosexual sex. Now I am not saying go out and sleep around without protection, but if it does happen once it really shouldn't weigh on your mind the way it did on mine. The odds are ASTRONOMICALLY in your favor, but it is still always a good idea to get tested after any unsafe experience. The chance that you will get HIV after one sexual exposure to someone who has HIV are anywhere from 1 in 500 to 1 in 2500 (CDC and other sources may vary but generally these are the numbers thrown out there) other factors such as viral load of the infected person may increase or decrease risk, but even if the person has a high viral load the odds are still low. Open cuts on the penis or anywhere bodily fluids touch provide an easier pathway for the virus to enter the body also.

Before I wrap up I would like to point out that I have no stigma or prejudice to anyone living with HIV, but as an individual who is negative I still have a fear of my life changing due the virus as many others do, but it is important to remember that HIV is not the end of the world these days, the treatment available is amazing and you can live a full and healthy life.

Thank you for reading, and remember that the odds are very much in your favor.

I would like to take a moment to thank the wonderful people who run this forum and provide support to EVERYONE, it would be easy for them to dismiss people like me who come on here acting crazy and irrational but they don't do that at all, also a personal shoutout to JIM DUBLIN who is an administrator of this forum, he has helped me and many others through some tough times. I don't think my mind will ever fully recover from the stress I put myself under those two times (I mean I had planned out and was  ready to commit suicide TWICE) But I will definitely seek professional advice regarding my anxiety problems and thanks again to the members and administrators.

[Jim Allen]

https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=65035.msg719039#msg719039

Hi Kid,

Look I'm glad you are doing okay.

Some thoughts are to keep using condoms going forward, I mention that as you mention odds but we know general statistics don't apply to individual cases, and plenty here who were infected from 1 time heterosexual contact. Including myself.

I would like to take a moment to thank the wonderful people who run this forum and provide support to EVERYONE, it would be easy for them to dismiss people like me who come on here acting crazy and irrational but they don't do that at all, also a personal shoutout to JIM DUBLIN who is an administrator of this forum, he has helped me and many others through some tough times. I don't think my mind will ever fully recover from the stress I put myself under those two times (I mean I had planned out and was  ready to commit suicide TWICE) But I will definitely seek professional advice regarding my anxiety problems and thanks again to the members and administrators.

Thank you and you're welcome, I wish you all the best and hope anxiety is something that you learn to control so it no longer controls you in life.   

I wish I could take credit for the forum, however the hard work is mainly done by Patrick, Wade and Andy and the many long running members who support the newbies. Its a group effort.

Take it easy.

Jim