... I go to bed at night hoping I wont wake up in the morning.
I have not been able to pull the trigger yet, but if I did not wake up in the morning, it would be a relief. The hurt and the pain would be gone. The shame and guilt would be gone. I want to reach inside my chest and rip my heart out, it hurts so bad. I feel like such a failure. I have become a burden to my partner and family. Its not fair to them and I can't let them pay for my mistakes.
If I'm lucky, I won't wake in the morning. Then everyone can move on with their lives and I can fade away into the back of their minds as a distant memory.
...
Its not fair to them. If I die, they could get some of it back from my estate. Not like its a lot or worth fighting over, But my partner would be able to get start over.You just don't understand how incorrectly you are perceiving your situation.
Just to be clear, I'm not encouraging anyone to kill themselves, but it really annoys me when people say that 'suicide is selfish.' It's a human being's right to die whenever they want and, if anything, it's 'selfish' of anyone, inclucing loved ones, to try and deny that.
but it really annoys me when people say that 'suicide is selfish.'did u even read what I posted, or was it "too long" for you to bother with? ::)
Just to be clear, I'm not encouraging anyone to kill themselves, but it really annoys me when people say that 'suicide is selfish.' It's a human being's right to die whenever they want and, if anything, it's 'selfish' of anyone, inclucing loved ones, to try and deny that.
did u even read what I posted, or was it "too long" for you to bother with? ::)
She gave me some gift cards for food and gas till they can get the assistance started.I'm so glad to hear that you took a pro-active step and got some results that helped. I've still been thinking about you and sending "good vibes" you're way. Now, don't get too discouraged if things don't move along fast, because I think sometimes all these services are just designed to go as slow as possible to scare you or wear you down. Hopefully when some of this financial pressure is relieved, you'll be able to take some time and talk with a counselor about your depression - and confide in your partner about how low you were so he can be there to help you more in your tough times.
I got a call from the ADAP Rep. in Atl. yesterday telling me that they did not receive my requallifing package from my new caseworker yet and they have not sent a check to pay my insurance premium for this quarter. My insurance ran out on Jan. 20th and I can't get my meds now. Of course, the call came in after 5:00pm., so I had to wait till this morning to call my caseworker. I called my caseworker and informed her. I'm still waiting on her call back to get this straightened out.sorry to hear about this new turn of events. Although based upon some of my own situations, instead of turning to a gun, my advice is that you're going to have to become more pro-active in your case. Unfortunately good case workers are just about nonexistent. (sorry to any case workers out there; but that is how it seems from this end of the situation) You will find yourself in situations like this again and again as you deal with the American health care system, social services and insurance agencies.
I get so tired of people that can't seem to do there jobs properly....Every quarter I have to go through hoops just to get my insurance to cover the expenses they are supposed to, even when they get my premium on time. I get so sick and tired of the hassles. My insurance company creates so much stress for me, I begin to wonder if its all worth it.Oh I know it feels like a big hassle right now; but you've got to realize that this is how it is. Getting assistance is no easy task. Keeping it can even be harder. It's been nearly 15 yrs that I've been receiving ADAP, or state assistance, or medicare, or SS, or medicaid, etc, and only two years in all that time have gone by hassle free (and then that case worker retired and it all went to hell in a handbasket at the next yearly review of my case).
This is just a suggestion and I say this to you humbly. After I was diagnosed I took my two 9 mm's and pawned them. I knew them things were in shaky hands.Sorry for the foul language, but I get hotter the more I think about it. Why is it too much to ask that our government protect the people instead of the insurance companies? It makes me want to set up a date with my .38.
Shooting yourself means the insurance company wins.ROFLMAO that's great advice. ;D
You need to stick it to the bastards and plan on living a loooong, loooong life -- with plenty of medications. :)
Oh I know it feels like a big hassle right now; but you've got to realize that this is how it is. Getting assistance is no easy task. Keeping it can even be harder. It's been nearly 15 yrs that I've been receiving ADAP, or state assistance, or medicare, or SS, or medicaid, etc, and only two years in all that time have gone by hassle free (and then that case worker retired and it all went to hell in a handbasket at the next yearly review of my case).
Shooting yourself means the insurance company wins.
You need to stick it to the bastards and plan on living a loooong, loooong life -- with plenty of medications. :)
Seriously, I know the frustrations and wish you the best.
I don't know what to do. If they take my truck and evict me I'll have no home, no business, and no ride. Whats the point of going on? Things keep getting worse and I'm tired of fighting to keep my head above water. I just want some peace and calm. I don't have money to pay for my meds, so I have stopped taking some of them. I don't eat lunch to cut expenses. I don't go anywhere to keep from using the gas I have left in my truck. I'm so tired, that I want to lay down, go to sleep, and never wake up. The constant feeling of emptiness, like I had a hole in my chest, and every bit of my soul is pooring out onto the floor. The pain and the emptiness is getting to be more than I can take. I want it all to stop, one way or another.
Try, just try to see one issue at the time, as it is so overwhelming to look at everything at the same time.good words there Alain! ;)
Don't despair, you have come all this way and I believe that you can make it.
One way or another; Yes! Like many of us. Hang in there.
I can no longer pay my own living expenses. Everything I makes goes to pay for meds, test, and docs.
If you can't think about staying alive for yourself, then until you can, do it for the people in your life who love you. Let them love you until you can love yourself. And please get help. Suicide, if accomplished, is irreversible, and tragic. Please get some help.
Thanks everyone for your support. To answer a few of your questions, I live in the South Georgia. My partner and I have never "pooled" our monies into one checking account, but we have always split the normal monthly expenses such as Mortgage, Utilities, Phone, etc. I have always been the one to make sure we had money put back for emergencies.
I know there will be snags here and there, but its ridiculous that they wait till the last second to tell me that there are more forms to be filled out. Every quarter I worry, Will I lose my insurance, because of someones incompetence in Atl.. Its like they don't care, its not their life at stake.
I appreciate all the feed back. I wish it was enough. I can't take anymore. I have lost my insurance due to the sorry Case Manager that took over my case and to top it all off, today, I found out that she has quit and they have not replaced her yet. So now I have no Case Manager for the present time. I have tried to stay positive, but I can't do it any longer.
I have decided to make a "Video Will" and I am making arrangements so that I can exit this "Hell" that I have to call my life. I really wish that I could see a different answer because I can't continue in this life. I do appreciate everyone here that has offered your kind thoughts and words of encouragement. It was nice to know that you all cared enough to try and help and I wish that could be enough, but it keeps getting harder to face a new day. The hole that I have fallen in keeps getting deeper with no bottom in sight. I can't do this any more.
I hope that in time my family and partner will be able to understand and not hate me for what I am about to do. I know that it will cause them pain and grief, but I can't continue hurting anymore. I hope they can forgive me for what I am about to do. I don't want to cause them grief and hurt, but I can't take feeling the way I feel any longer.
God bless all of you that have sent encouraging words to me.
Good Bye
God forgive me.
Thanks all for caring. As much as I appreciate it, I just can't see things getting better. Its been 3 yrs now, ( I know its not that long for most here) but each month it gets harder. I am so exhausted trying to "hang in there".
Every month something else hops on the pile. I can't sleep when I need to. I lay in bed for hours and can't fall asleep. If I do get lucky and fall a sleep, its for short periods. When morning comes I don't want to get out of bed. It takes so much energy to face the day. Energy, I no longer have.
And now, I have no insurance, so going to the ER is not an option. I can't afford to support myself as it is, and I don't need any more debt to eat up what little I have left to leave my partner.
My life is so fucked up.
As you stated, it's typically the dads that react badly. I actually was not able to "come out" until after my father died. He was a staunch homophobe, and I would do anything to please him (yes I know, issues), even to the point of getting married. Man that was some fucked up times.
I want to die ::)
I want to die ::)
I want to die ::)
It looks like I have definitely lost my Insurance. I asked the temp case worker handling things now if I should apply for Medicare. She told me she would help me file but did not think I would qualify.
Hospital expences, MRI, Catscans, etcgoodness! :o You're not that sick right now are you?!?
I don't have any major health issues, other than HIV, at the present time.
What do I do if I need medical attention and can't pay for it? I can't keep up with the bills now.
I want to die ::)
What do I do if I need medical attention and can't pay for it?that's the hardest part, when you're in the roughest times, of trying to live only one day at a time - and that's to not be a good boy scout who's always prepared.
Hey GA,
I dont want this to come off as abrasive , and this is only my opinion on the situation but I think it's time to not worry about credit scores, rainy day funds and pleasing your partner.
Ga, I would definitely voice to your case manager your concerns. She's there to help you, period. If you can explain how you feel, maybe she'll be more helpful.
Bush Gardens to ride coasters June 12-15. :o I haven't been on a decent coaster in sooooooooooooooo long. :( Coasters are like therapy for me, and I need this really bad.well, if you had told us that, I could have fixed things up for you earlier. LOL :D
Here I've gone on about Coasters,well dude, this is YOUR thread ;) and to honest, though I know all your problems aren't solved, I know that everyone here would much rather talk to you about roller coasters than talking about the end of your life.
We've also been to Cedar Point. We went up the first summer that they opened Top Thrill Dragster, Now that's a Thrill Ride. If you ever get the chance to ride it, don't miss out.I rode top thrill the second day it was open to the public, and it was a scary ride that first year! It wasn't very well calibrated (they'd send a train, filled with headless dummy-shaped containers of water, on the tests) and frequently when a train filled with riders would reach the top, there wouldn't be enough speed and you would hang at the crest before plummenting backwards down the track and back into the station. Once they shot us off three times before the cars finally made it over the crest.
I am a true addict for coasters. I hope one day we can ride some. I know how it is to have to ride solo. My partner won't go on any that turns you upside down, with the exception of Volcano in Richmond and The Hulk in Orlando.I won't go to a park with a group unless everyone's going to ride the coasters. When you've been spoiled with a park with 17 coasters, it just seems weird to not go for the rides.
Though, obviously NOT the coaster afficando that you are, it's these sort of bright events in life that one needs to remember when all seems so dark.
I rode top thrill the second day it was open to the public, and it was a scary ride that first year! It wasn't very well calibrated (they'd send a train, filled with headless dummy-shaped containers of water, on the tests) and frequently when a train filled with riders would reach the top, there wouldn't be enough speed and you would hang at the crest before plummenting backwards down the track and back into the station. Once they shot us off three times before the cars finally made it over the crest.
I won't go to a park with a group unless everyone's going to ride the coasters. When you've been spoiled with a park with 17 coasters, it just seems weird to not go for the rides.
If I have to ride solo, I will though. Sometimes it's like "tough love" therapy that I have to give myself. It's still very disconcerting to be doing everything alone after so many years with partners. Sometimes I have to take the leap, and just "do" things.
If I ever go on a coaster vacation I defintely know who to ask to go with me for a good time.i nominate Cedar Point/Sandusky OH for the next AMG :D
If I ever go on a coaster vacation I defintely know who to ask to go with me for a good time.
Not me. I went on some coaster in 6 flags atlanta (not the one where some guy got decapitated) and I was so tense for the entire two minute ride that the rest of the day I was sore and tired. It was not an enjoyable experience for me.
If I ever go on a coaster vacation I defintely know who to ask to go with me for a good time.
i nominate Cedar Point/Sandusky OH for the next AMG :D
Not me. I went on some coaster in 6 flags atlanta (not the one where some guy got decapitated) and I was so tense for the entire two minute ride that the rest of the day I was sore and tired. It was not an enjoyable experience for me.
I love roller coasters and would go on them with him also but I would want him to change the title of this thread first .
Ga, I'm so, so happy you're going upward. Keep on!
I feel my time has come.
I was watching "Brooklyn's Finest" earlier. In the beginning there is a scene where Richard Gere puts a gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger and I start thinking "Its that easy, open wide and pull the trigger." Of course, in the movie the gun is not loaded, but it looked so quick and easy. One last twitch of a finger and it would all go away. All the stress, the worrying, the shame I feel, all of it gone.
I know my Dad loves me and wants to help, but he has been pushing me to tell my siblings about my HIV status. I'm just not ready to go there yet. I have told him I'm not ready, but he keeps on pressuring me to tell them. He tells me that they would want to be "In the loop" and that they would be mad at him for keeping it a secret. I told him when the time comes that I am ready to let them know, if they get mad at him, for him to tell them he was respecting my wishes. I don't know how to get him to understand that his pressuring about this, is hammering in the final nail in my coffin. I'm just not ready to go down that road yet.
I am sooo tired of the pressure to tell my siblings that I have begun wishing I had not told my Dad about my HIV. All your thoughts and opinions are greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
I know my Dad loves me and wants to help, but he has been pushing me to tell my siblings about my HIV status. I'm just not ready to go there yet. I have told him I'm not ready, but he keeps on pressuring me to tell them. He tells me that they would want to be "In the loop" and that they would be mad at him for keeping it a secret. I told him when the time comes that I am ready to let them know, if they get mad at him, for him to tell them he was respecting my wishes. I don't know how to get him to understand that his pressuring about this, is hammering in the final nail in my coffin. I'm just not ready to go down that road yet.
He told me yesterday that one of my brothers was going in Friday morning to have a liver biopsy performed and that he knew I would want to know about his condition as much as he would want to know about my condition. Yes, I do appreciate them letting me know about this, but to me, it is an intirely different situation. I know there is a possibility that he could be given a life threatening diagnosis, but I still don't feel like I should have to disclose my health issues just because he disclosed my brother's to me. My Dad said he did not want to break the news about my HIV till after we find out my brother's outcome, but he did want to tell my siblings after we find out what is going on with my brother.
I am sooo tired of the pressure to tell my siblings that I have begun wishing I had not told my Dad about my HIV. All your thoughts and opinions are greatly appreciated.
I am sooo tired of the pressure to tell my siblings that I have begun wishing I had not told my Dad about my HIV. All your thoughts and opinions are greatly appreciated.every one of my friends and family were "mad" at me for not telling them sooner. ::) Every last one of them (including my religious wacko father) thought that my reasonings of not wanting to worry them and worrying what their reaction would be were the dumbest things to ever come out of my mouth. They couldn't understand why I ever believed that they would be anything but supportive and helpful.
I am also a parent, so let me share with you, what your father may be feeling. You are his child, his son and his love for you is unconditional, meaning he lives to see you happy and part of his job, is to make sure that happens. Then you tell him you are poz and his world crumbles. His son, has a serious illness and he is powerless to do anything. He so wants to help, because as a real parent, that is what he is supposed to do. But he has no clue on how to help you and that is probably why he wants to tell your siblings.
Give this some thought though - what are you waiting for? you know people here are keeping you in their thoughts.
Hi Ga ... One thing Joe hit on I think bears repeating is about your father . He may well be in need of support dealing with your status as well and that's a good reason to consider bringing your siblings into the loop . He wants to help but also has needs of his own to deal with.
I had to deal with my feelings of shame and guilt about my HIV status so I can understand your feelings about it . There came a time for me that I realized that what I was actually dealing with was a much needed lession in humility.
I was to proud to ask anyone to help me carry the burden and that burden became so heavy that I wanted to die . That's why I needed to become a bit more humble and let the people who love me have the same joy and satisfaction I felt when I was the one doing all the helping .
Hi Ga , please do not take my comments as criticism . I hear what you are saying and take it very seriously . The last thing I would want to do is hurt a guy who is already feeling down .
I was to proud to ask anyone to help me carry the burden and that burden became so heavy that I wanted to die . That's why I needed to become a bit more humble and let the people who love me have the same joy and satisfaction I felt when I was the one doing all the helping .
Tomorrow is my birthday and all I can think about is a tombstone with "09/14/64 - 09/14/2010" on it.
It's now the 14th. 46 years ago this morning my life began and over the years life seemed to be full hope for a future filled with love and happiness. Now, I don't see any of that anymore. I use to have the energy to fight. Now, I'm so tired of the fight. I know my partner and my family love me, more than I deserve. I don't know why its not enough, but I the constant pain I feel both mentally and physicallly has become more than I can take any more. I don't have the fight in me anymore.
Now here I am, 46 years later, sitting here in the dark with a drink, a smoke, a cocktail of pills in a bowl, listening to Carrie and Christia to keep me company while everything mixes. Hopefully this won't take to long to finish.
I want to say thank you to everyone that offered your support to help me. I wish I could see life through all your eyes.
Thanks for the support and well wishes. It helps having you all here when things get stressing.
I was watching Project Runway the other night and one of the designers (Mondo) opened up about how he had been living with HIV for 10 years and had not told his parents out of fear of their reaction. It hit so close to home for me. Even though I've told my parents about my HIV, the feelings he has are very similar to the feelings I have about telling my siblings. The courage it must have taken to come out about his HIV on TV has made me think that I might be able to drum up the courage to tell my siblings. No promises yet, but feeling more like I might get to that point sooner than I thought I would. I've been thinking a lot about it after seeing the way it seemed to lift so much weight off his shoulders.
Thanks again to all of you that have left your thoughts here to help me when I feel like things are getting too much for me to handle. :)
Hi Ga , It takes allot of courage to reach out when you need support , you have already shown amazing courage yourself and that's something to be proud of .
You will know when its the right time to have that talk with the rest of your family . Having that talk must be really important to you because its been a major theme in what you have shared with us so far . I cant help but feel from listening to you that when you decide to have that talk it will be another few steps in the right direction towards healing . Good luck buddy and thanks again for the update .
I don't have a Will at this time and would like to make one. I don't have the money to pay an attorney, so I was wondering if anybody new a way to make a leagal Will without having to go thru an attorney? I had thought about making a Video Will on my computer and wanted to know if it would be considered leagal?
I want to make sure that my partner gets whatever assets that my estate has when I'm gone. I would like to get this done as soon as possible to make sure his intrests are protected and my wishes are carried out as I want them to be, without a big leagal hassle for him.
If anyone knows or has any other suggestions, please respond back.
Thanks.
...I guess I'm losing the ability to hide or disguise it....
Letting your doctor see the whole story can play in your mind like a loss of control. From your prior posts you give a strong sense of being the responsible guy, the one who gets things done and manages everything, the man who is keeping chaos under control. Telling your doctor and opening up enough so he sees just how hard it is getting feels like giving up.
But it isn't.
Giving your doctor the whole story is a way of getting help to keep things going, to stay in control.
What if you were to print this thread out and ask your doctor to read it and discuss it with you?
The thing is, it seems to me that you have backed yourself into seeing this as a binary choice -- either you maintain absolute control or none; keep doing what you've been doing or give up. But look again; what you have in front of you is not an on off switch.
It is a dial.
You don't have to turn the dial all the way to death, hell, absolute loss of control. You can turn it 10% of the way by asking the doctor to help YOU keep things under control.
I hope the intensity off distress has lessen and you have been able to heed Andy,s words. I am sorry life is so differcult
take care
theyer
"A little bit of a control freak" is like being a little bit pregnant.
Are you sure this is "therapy" that is available, and not mental health screening and appropriate medication?
You have a right to ask this of the therapist and also the clinic or health service that is offering the "therapy".
We're all here for you. Don't ever think you're a nuisance or anything of the sort, because that's simply untrue.I totally agree with space! You're not a nuisance. It's just very hard for any of us to actually do much for you via cyberspace and that frustrates us. I wish I could wave a magic wand to fix things for you; but if I could do that, I'd be waving that wand for myself. ;) I, like many others, continue to hope that you can find solutions to some of your problems and be able to fend off the depression that afflicts you.