POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Positive Women => Topic started by: jennysunshine333 on March 13, 2008, 03:43:15 am
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I want to know that I am not the only woman out here who's boyfriend knowingly gave her HIV. I really need some support and some friends. I am having a hard time finding other women in the same boat as me. I have been poz for 2 yrs now, and I am still an emotional wreck. I am still living with the man who gave me HIV, I have tried to forgive him and myself too, but I just haven't come to that point in my life yet. I am hoping to hear from other people who are (or have been) in my shoes. Thank you for the support, it means the world to me, Jenny
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Hi Jenny
Welcome to these boards. You will find emense support and help here.
I am sorry for your pain and angony.
Please look in on this thread, The thread starter is in your same position.and you could get in touch with her.
http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=15830.0
Roie.
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Jenny,
I've moved your thread into the Women's forum as you are specifically looking for feedback from other women.
Roie, who is a man, posted in this thread before it was moved.
The person I aquired my virus from had no idea he was positive when it happened, so I'm afraid I can't really help you with this - other than to say you might find counseling beneficial. You need to find ways of moving past this and deciding what the next steps in your life will be, whether that includes forgiveness or moving on without this guy. It's no fun being in what may be a toxic relationship.
Ann
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Hi Jenny and welcome
The guy i suspected to have infected me completely denies it and he's out of the country. I dont know if he knew it himself but i strongly suspect he did. Much as i hate him for that i also blame myself for having unprotected sex with him in the first place without confirming our status.
I agree with Ann that couselling will help u move on and out of that relationship. I know for sure that i wouldnt want to be involved with my infector, especially if i cant forgive him
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Jenny, I hope you find a way to get through the emotional baggage you've got. I would greatly encourage you to get counseling. I've been with the same therapist since 1991, and it's only been beneficial.
While I don't live with the person who infected me (he's dead), I had some anger towards him when I found out. However, as Tendai said, I had to take responsibility also. The sex (at least with me and my ex-husband) was a two-way street. I knew about how things were transmitted, and I chose not to use protection.
I'm not saying this to try to sound mean. I only wish you luck working through this, whether you stay with your current partner or not. If it's causing you undue harm, I would greatly encourage you to find a way to get out. Don't stay in something that's going to make you miserable.
Luv,
Betty
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Hi, Jenny,
I am currently with the man that infected me. When we first got together we were tested and we both were negative. He contracted HIV by cheating. When I first found out I was mad as hell. The woman he got it from knew she had the virus. She has been positive for a while. It may sound funny but I was madder at her than at him. It takes two to tango, so I couldn't just pin the blame on just one. Me and my boyfriend still live together. We plan on marrying in the Spring. Sometimes I get mad at myself, because i'm not mad at him. But I know he did not knowly infect me.
But if the relationship is causing stress I would take the request of the other ladies and seek counseling. I went to a support group when I first found out. It made me nervous because I havent disclosed to anyone yet. The group was out of town. But when I found this site and these group of women, m life seems to have an up side.
Take care
~Latrice~
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Hi Jenny-
I am in the same boat as you although I have been poz for over 15 yrs. I am not sure if I got infected in 91 or 92 just because I have blocked out a lot of that time from my memory, I believe I started meds in 93. Can you tell I have memory issues? ;) I am not with the person who infected me anymore either. I can agree with everyone else when they say that counseling helps. I knew I had to get out of the relationship(he was also extremely abusive) and I was able to find a therapist at the local ASO and talking to her helped me to get strong enough to do so.
Best of luck. Take care,
Snow
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Welcome to the Forums, Jenny. You are not alone as you can see. My ex knowingly infected me. I went through all the emotional things like anger, sadness, and even still wanted to be with the person. I found out he was poz through a 3rd party but when I confronted him about it, he admitted it. Though he chose to be with the person who infected him. Oh well but now that I look on things, it was probably best that we didn't stay together because he didn't want to take meds or take care of himself.
I hope you will be able to overcome the turmoil you are feeling. If you need to talk, feel free to join us ladies in the dating thread where we talk about all things not just dating.
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Hi Jenny
Just like you i too was knowingly infected by my ex-husband, he knew his status when we got married and never told me. he now is sitting in a prison cell for knowingly infecting me. I can tell you locking him up for me felt good, however over the years it hasn't changed anything, I've had to learn to live with this virus instead of die from it. everyone handles this different. but the main thing is to take care of your self and don't let the anger get the best of you. eventually it will try to take over. and at times it's a struggle and i have to forgive him all over again to keep my sanity. I'll be positive for 5 yrs this Nov, 2008 and it gets a little easier with time. try to stay focus on the positive things in your relationship and maybe seek some help, to deal with what's going on. Good luck, i hope and pray things work out for you.
Paulette
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Welcome Jenny. The person who infected me says he is negative, yeah right. I don't think he intentionally infected me but I don't think he has done anything to change his lifestyle once I informed him of my status. He is an ex but we still "hook up". Yeah I have issues too... :) I have been in counseling for over a year and it does help. Right now I want to find an HIV group because I think I really need to be around people who understand.
Good Luck!
The women here are really great and helpful.
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Hi Jenni,
I was infected by a man who knew he had the virus and never said a word the whole time we were together.
In the begining I was pissed at him but more so at myself because it was not just on him it was also on me too.
I had learn to forgive myself so that could live with myself and look in to the mirror and still love me.
I had became consumed by my anger so i couldn't or wouldn't live.
God Loves us enough to forgive us,So we have to learn to forgive ourselves. It gets easier as time goes on. but it does get
easier.
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Hi Jenny,
Like you, I was diagnosed HIV+ almost 2 years ago. The first time my ex-boyfriend and I had unprotected sex I asked him if he had been tested. He answered 'yes' and that he was really good about such things. Turns out the HIV test he was talking about was from about a decade earlier and he had put himself in countless risk situations in the time since. He didn't have confirmation that he was poz, but I'm sure he must have had doubts. Regardless, when he told me he had been tested, he lied. This isn't the same as knowingly infecting someone though. I wish I had asked for written test results. So trusting...
After I was diagnosed I confronted him which led to him finally getting tested as well. By that point he had been infected for so long, his dr told him he was lucky to alive. I was so conflicted as to what I should do, my emotional state was a mess. I wound up staying with him for another year after my diagnosis, but eventually realized I had to leave him. That is not to say that you should leave your boyfriend. My ex was abusive and unfaithful, which is why a split was necessary. After the break-up though I did finally manage to confront my anger with him and, with the help of counseling, forgive and begin to move on. Regardless of whether you stay with your bf or not, I think it's very important that you confront your feelings. Talk to him, talk to a counsellor.
I hope this helps. You will find many people here I'm sure who can sympathize with your situation. Stay strong : )
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Hello to Jenny, and to all of you who are in this boat with us. I am hoping that my story helps.
We are not alone, that's for sure.
I am in the Long-Term Survivor's Thread "Introduce Yourself" Reply #93
http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=11342.0 Reply #93
I have since met a wonderful man who is a neggie, and we have been dating for five months. I have a new job and my neck and back are MUCH improved!
Be patient, persevere and don't give up. Good things will happen, just be sure to keep reaching out to those around you. They are our greatest help and our greatest hope.
:-*
~ Cindy in Maryland
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I am not sure if he knew?
But If he did not. I find it hard to believe he had no idea- as I would have known if I was as ill as he was and had the symptoms he did.
Thankfully although I am not yet on any medication and while my CD4 counts are very low I am not yet ill.
He is my husband or 21 years and I have been ( totally ) faithfully to him for nearly 30 years. We live in the UK
I am 55 years old and only found I was HIV positve when he became very ill in January this year.
I am still with him - what else would I do after over 20 years with the same person? I do not want to face this alone.
Hoping I can find some understanding, comfort and support here - and give some back when I can
Love to you all
Veritee
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My lover of 10 yrs..knew about being infected, but never told me..
I guess misery loves company....
My lover is dead now and left me this beautiful present..
Isnt that sweet. >:(
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Hi Jenny: Yes my partner infected me knowingly and till this date I am in shock.
I have POS since 94 when I was diagnosed with full-blown aids. I still go through
love hate emotions about my x. I thought this all would end with his death but things got
worst. He died two or three yrs ago and my mental state got worst. Today I have
finally realized that I have been mad at myself. I will never be the woman I was
before but I have to learn to love myself. I don't have any options where I live
I have to do this by myself but look for a support group. Get your self-esteem
back. :D :) Surround yourself with those who love you.
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Hi Jenny,
Youre not alone, my partner knew he was infected and slept with anyone, anytime, anyplace. I am pretty sure he was on a infect the world race against time. I do not see why you are still living with the man esp if he knew he had it... It is hard to be alone but not at the cost of your mental health.
I send you strength and hope, you keep your chin up and move forward with purpose! I have had this since 1988 and was told back then I had 6 months to a year to live! Well they were wrong~! and today there are so many good treatments and more knowledge, its not a great disease to have but better to have it now than 25 years ago!
Hope to hear more form you in the future, and ask any questions you like.
Hugs,
Stella
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i Dont know if my partner knew about his status, but part of me thinks that he knew because of the things I will tell you in a second.... he told me that he have a kid and told me that the mother of his kid passed away in a tragic car accident only to find that she rose again after founding out that they are together again, I asked him about it and he said he didnt want to have me worried, can you belive that?...
we passed through that and a couple of months later when I visited him, I found HIDDEN arv's behind his bed's heard board, I was mad at him and asked hom why he didnt tell me that he was now taking arv's, he told me that he started taking medicine a month ago and didnt wat to tell me because he felt responsible for the whole thing and didnt want to have me worried....
there was a moment that He was sick to death, I asked him to go and do the test( that was before the condom breaking and getting into contact with hiv), he told me he will go but eventually he got better and kept on telling me that he will go only to find out from one of his sisters tha"he went for an hiv test" but when I asked him about it he deniyed and asked me if I really believe that if he went for a test he wont tell me? thats just the way it is, sometimes I really think he knew about it, but sometimes I think even though most of the evidence point that way but I think its better for myself not to know, I think I can get mad if I can hear him saying he knew with his own mouth.
love, always Zazi :-*
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Well, obviously you are not alone here. And I can only guess that there are many more who have not responded yet to your post who contracted HIV by way of a partner who knew their status. I think there are different levels of knowing too. My partner hadn't had an HIV test. I knew that when we met. He also denied ever having shot up heroine, or having slept with others who shot up. I found that out years later. In my heart of hearts I know that he knew--at the very least KNEW he was at great risk for being poz. He'd had odd illnesses that were all symptoms of it and he just ignored them.
I think that denial is a powerful thing. I know he was deffinitely living with the fear of being poz--only an idiot wouldn't think, with his past, that he couldn't possibly be poz. His nature was to run from things anyway, all kinds of things. He was a good avoider. I stayed with him for almost a year after we both tested poz. I was in love with him and scared to death for him (he had only 40 t-cells when he tested and his viral load was off the charts. Plus he had HepC, another gift he bestowed upon me.
I'm not sure why, but I decided from the get-go that this was not a time to point fingers and blame. The milk was already spilt--what would be the point. I knew I had to get into action. I never really experienced being angry with him. And I think it's because I could see his fear. I don't believe (to this day) that he wanted to intentionally hurt me.) I think that I was a great way for him to keep denying his health issues. I hope that makes sense, I don't quite know how to put that in a more clear way. I think what he wanted more than anything was to be loved. And I think that when we want things desperately we can push reason aside and put those we love at risk just to get out need met. That's the story I tell myself regarding him anyway.
I can forgive him for wanting to be loved because for him wanting to be loved was the equivilent to wanting to survive. I really see that in him. I know I've done some pretty stupid and reckless things in my life in order to be loved too...starting with denying my own intuition about things.
I believe that most of the time people go around hurting others the intention isn't to HURT, the intention is to survive in some way. People don't behave badly or harm another without fear in their hearts--and when there is fear there is also the dire need to survive at the core of that fear. This perspective helps me greatly, and I hope it might for you.
Wishing you love and light,
BTL
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:'( Well, how about this one for you. I was with a guy that knew, didn't tell me, and I "found out" when I caught him shooting something in his arm. That is when my blood ran ice cold and I knew to be worried. Then I find out and my Mother being an AIDS nurse at the time supported me but then later, after I been dianosed, found out and revealed to me later that the guy that infected me was one of her patients! She told me she wanted to kill him but took an oath as a nurse and took care of him until he died. Good woman, huh? I would have beat his ass. lol
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Dorjus, your mother is bound by a very strict code of confidentiality. Had she revealed what she knew about him, it would have ruined her career.
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Yeah I know but she was pissed off that she had to take care of that guy knowing he gave it to me. She told noone but me. My mother was an outstanding nurse and EVERYONE loved her and thought she was the best. So I don't fault her for telling me. She had to get it off her chest. She was no blabber mouth and did not believe in gossip like others do.
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your mum sounds like a wonderful person Dorjus.
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Thank you, she was. At times. LOL ;)
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Welcome Jenny and u are amongst friends now that understand how u feel. I 2 have a story 2 tell. I was married to my husband for 12 years and we had 2 children together, a wonderful relationship and marriage so I thought, until I found out he was positive. Did he tell me HELL NO.
I found out on my own when he became sick. Yes he knew he was positive and opted not 2 start meds, or tell me. When i first found out i was angry, with him and my self for being so stupid, and blind. A women knows when things change in a relationship and we choose to ignore it or believe what the man says, but at that moment of doubt, we should make them use protection.
I placed blame on him for years and we separated a year after I found out, I just couldn't get past my anger at that time. If he loved me or our kids why would he jeopardize our marriage. But he didn't care about himself, me, our kids or the marriage. And when i drop he's ass off at the train station I never looked back, and to this very day he has never apologized for the pain he has placed in my life.
But in spite of that I had to learn to forgive and love myself, because I was thinking if I could kill him and get away with it he would have been died a long time ago, Yes, he would be died and I would still be positive, so that wouldn't change my situation. So, I agree with the other ladies if u love this man u both need counseling.
Everyone's situation is different and we can say what we would do if we were in ur shoes. Weigh ur options, if u can find it in ur heart to forgive him then u 2 will work it out. Ask him why he felt he couldn't tell u what he had done and u listen and i mean really listen.
Because their are a lot of us out here looking for our someone specail and when we find him we will be wondering when to tell, how to tell or if we will tell at all. So if u can forgive him, do so and continue on, or u can join the rest of us that are trying to start new with someone we will have to get to know all over again.
WE LOVE U GIRL AND WE WISH U LUCK IN WHAT EVER U DECIDE. :-*
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I am almost postive that the man who infected me knew he was positive and did not care and possibly did it on purpose. He was such a miserable selfish bastard. He was newly divorced with a child, so like a dope, I assumed he did not have it. We never had a deep relationship, it was almost entirely sexual. He was so charming and he was the first guy I had dated after I had gotten out of a long-term emotionally abusive relationship. At first, we used condoms, but after I got comfortable with him, we didn't.
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Hello my name is Tj I was given the virus and my partner knew that he was infected. He was a former college student and the son of a doctor. It does not care who it infects if your not safe an drinking an drugging it is very easy to get infected. That was my problem but I did tell him to wear a condom. we had one but he chose not to us it I did not realize that he had not put one on until it started felling sooo good.
I hate to talk about this but I do it helps to get things off of your chest. Sorry for your crisis. and every one that was plagued with this disease it awful that people can do such things to others knowingly.
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Hi Jen,
Just read your post and feel your anguish.
Here's my story.
My partner of one and a half years who I had always known to be healthy, had some anogenital lesions that were so large, we had no idea what they were. The dr. did some blood tests and prescribed Bactrim to clear them up and the condition got even worse since he is allergic to Sulfa drugs. Anyway, when the test results came in, he did not want me to go with him. I knew something was up. When he came home he said that the dr. didn't know what the cause of the lesions were and advised him to get more tests.
Several weeks later the lesions were so horrible that I put my foot down and told him that he had to go to ER. Result: Admitted to the hospital to determine the cause of the lesions. Further tests were done while he was admitted. I was sitting in a chair next to his hospital bed when Dr. came in and told him that his cd4 was 29, that the lesions were herpes, and gave him the diagnosis of AIDS due to the low cd4 and OI.
Well, of course, I was shocked! I mean, I knew that the STD dr. had to have told him this a few weeks before, and yet he didn't tell me!
I felt like crap, but seeing him lying in that bed, weak and helpless...well, what could I do? I was like, "Well, why didn't you tell me?" and he said he was afraid to. I decided to just make the best of it and go get tested myself. Of course, I was infected.
Anyway, I stayed with him...what the heck...the damage was already done.
Now, I don't know if he knew he had this before he met me and I really don't have any way of finding out. But, since we are in the same boat I figured at least we can give each other emotional support.
It is evident that he contracted this before we became involved and I could have elected to use condoms but I didn't so, I am just taking it one day at a time. Yes, it is an emotional strain dealing with this crap but for me..it's better not to have to go it alone, at least at this point, if I don't have to.
Well, hope you are doing better.
Love and prayers,
Peregrine
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Hey Jenny, I'm here to tell you that you are not in the same boat alone. It aches my heart that some men are so selfish and evil to knowingly infect someone with HIV. Now hand me an oar and I will be here for your support, girl. I was infected by my husband. Someone that I took marriage vows with. He had to have known he was HIV + because when the CDC contacted him, he didn't show any signs that he cared and changed his address. Even when I confronted him he allowed his family to talk for him and place the blame on me. But all the years prior to our meeting, I was negative. I had no other partners, so what does that tell you? We were married in 2004 and I was diagnosed in 2007.