Hello, New to this board. Wishing to connect

[clleanhouse1976]

Hello,

I'm pretty new to this board.  I'm a 30 y/o HIV male, from Atlanta, Georgia.  Normally when I am afraid, lonely or just overwhelmed with it all-- I go into very self destructive behaviors.  I've was diagnoised 5 years ago and am healthy and on meds.  While I've always had numbers to be very greatful for, I feel over the past year I have been on a dramatic decline.

To most people, I seem confident and well put together.  I have maintained a successful career in finance--which I hate and feel trapped.

I'm here because, over the past year, i have become apathetic to life in general.  I suppose I've always been somewhat self-destructive but lately, I'm a bit alarmed.  I think about suicde allot--and have passively taken action.  I slammed meth twice over the past three months--hopeing to numb what I feel.  Please excuse my spelling as I had a bit to drink and just feel the need to talk. 

Lately, I've had the feeling that my life will continue to go downhill from here.  People look at me and think I'm attractive, but when I look at myself (which is something I don't like to do) I don't like what I see.

I've dealt w/ depression for a while and am currently being treating for it.  I try to express myself through art, I run, etc but I'm still left feeling empty.  I have slept with any and every man that will have me and stilll--I feel the same.  I feel lonely, worthless and would not committ suicide as I know it would be too much for my parents and family and noone would take care of my dog.

My best friend is poz but we never talk about it.  He knows about my depression and thinks thinks i'm weak for taking anti-depressents.

Deep down, I keep telling myself that things will get better over time.  Perhaps a career change is in order as I have always hated what I do, but the fear of losing health care has got me feeling trapped. 

I've promised myself not to do any more drugs and I haven't touched anything illegal for a month.  I'm not looking for sympathy--perhaps some advice, kind words, something more to hope for.

I'm too much of a pussy to post my photo on this blog. 

[Longislander]

Hey buddy,

Welcome to AM. I was glad to see your getting treated for your depression.  Don't worry too much about what your friend thinks about it, he's wrong.

I'm guessing you've looked around here a bit. Keep reading. You'll find many of us are or were in the same boat you're in.

Take it one step at a time. Get the depression under control, then decide on career changes.

Glad you found us.

Paul


p.s. Don't worry about the pic either, lots of us don't!

[GSOgymrat]

Welcome to the board. You sound very depressed and I think you are smart, not weak, to try antidepressants. Are you getting any kind of counseling?

[DanielMark]

Hi Clleanhouse1976,

I find nothing "weak" about actually dealing with problems. No matter what your friend says, you are on the right track in seeking help.

Daniel

[Queen Tokelove]

Cleanhouse,

Welcome to the Forums. Most of us has been where you are at one point in our lives, so don't feel you are alone there. And no you are not a pussy because you don't feel comfy posting a pic, it took me a minute before I posted mine and some still have not posted one, it's your choice.

I know you are depressed sweetie but I am glad you decided to leave the meth alone. I know it was a way to try to escape the pressure that is going on with you but I am glad you didn't get lost to it. I am a bit bewildered to why your friend is being mean to you about being poz? Maybe he is calling it tough love, not excusing him but you would think he would be a bit more sympathetic....I'm sure after getting to know your way around the Forum, you will make some great friends because there are wonderful people here who will listen to you vent, give sound advice, and answer any questions you may have. I hope to hear more from you....Welcome again....

[poet]

Hello and welcome to the forums and thanks for putting your voice here.   I see you as someone who already knows some of the weak spots, such as 'self-destructive behaviours.'  Well that's where it all starts, right, the road back to control? 

So let's look at some of the other things?  You, like so many of us, am successful in your field/work but you hate it.  So you feel 'trapped.'  Ok, 2007 is about to start.  How about allowing yourself to think about what you would like to do workwise?  The usual pitstop is What Color Is Your Parachute.  Or volunteering, if you have the time, in an area which has your interest to see if you have enough interest to get more involved?  Or talking to people in other fields.  The more you can do to show yourself that you have work options- even if those options would need a change of lifestyle/income- the more you can pull yourself out of this rut.

Apathy can be part of this.  You have someone who is working with you on mental health issues.  I would suggest that you make sure that he/she knows where you are with your meds and your mental health, making an appointment sooner rather than later since you feel stuck in place?


If guys are finding you attractive, then, unfortunately you probably are... at least until you factor in your head how you feel on the inside, that your outside doesn't work with your inside.  That's something which your therapist can help reconnect.

In theory, having a best friend who is also positive is a plus.  But having a best friend whom you can't talk to, or can't talk to about what are important issues, may not be the best friend you need.  Try to open your life up to more friends, friends, perhaps, from A.S.O.'s in your area.  Friends are a necessary part of our support system and without them we can all feel lost and alone.  Which is why many of us come to the forums as you have.

Ok, you feel trapped by the healthcare, the fear of losing it if you jump in work.  Understood.  But I would still suggest looking around.  There are things like ADAP out there which let us make such jumps of faith.

And don't worry about the pic.  Some are ready to be here with one and some are not.  As long as we have your voice in the forums, we have what we need.  Keep in touch with us.  Best, Win

[Wildpony]

I`m absolutely agree with the previous posts. To my mind, it`s high time to think about your inner world, about your feelings and what you are ready to do in order to change the situation. You`ve made a huge step, you`ve posted here, you`ve started talking about your feelings. People living with HIV have depression more often, that`s a fact, but we can and must overcome it.
It seems to me that you need to talk about HIV but you do not have a chance as your best friend isn`t inclined to discuss the stuff. Talk, talk and talk, we are ready to listen, everyone was in your shoes. Things are not so bad. Believe in yourself. Deside, wheather you tend to leave the things as they are in your life or it`s time to change something.

[allopathicholistic]

Deep down, I keep telling myself that things will get better over time. 

See? You're strong, always remember that. We will help you stay strong. It's great you found these forums

In theory, having a best friend who is also positive is a plus.  But having a best friend whom you can't talk to, or can't talk to about what are important issues, may not be the best friend you need.  Try to open your life up to more friends, friends, perhaps, from A.S.O.'s in your area.  Friends are a necessary part of our support system and without them we can all feel lost and alone.  Which is why many of us come to the forums as you have.

Yeah, please add some new friends to your life. This forum is a good starting point to meet helpful nice people, even in your city/state

I know you are depressed sweetie but I am glad you decided to leave the meth alone. 

Yeah, it takes a strong person to walk away from meth! We have tons of ex-meth users here just so you know

Don't worry too much about what your friend thinks about it, he's wrong.

I think you are smart, not weak, to try antidepressants. Are you getting any kind of counseling?

I find nothing "weak" about actually dealing with problems. No matter what your friend says, you are on the right track in seeking help.

Hear hear! I sense a lot of strength in you. Lots of members here are on anti depressants

Talk, talk and talk, we are ready to listen,

Yeah, talking/listening can lead you to new ideas or questions, or inspire you, or remind you to do stuff. "One thought leads to another"

Welcome to a truly wonderful circle of support for poz people . You're really gonna like it here! 

[clleanhouse1976]

Thank you all!!  I'm glad I've found this site.

[Teresa]

Glad you found us!

Hugs
Teresa

[bear60]

Let me welcome you also.  Everything said so far has been right on target.  Weakness, in your case, would be not confronting your "deamons". So do what you need to do:  see a counselor, take your antidepressant, make a career change. Try to be who you want to be.

[Buckmark]

Hi,

Welcome to the Poz forums.  Reading your posting above, it seems you are beginning
to recognize what you want/need to change in your life.  I think that is an important
and significant first step.  Connecting with other people is an important next step.

First, I think you'll find a lot of good folks here who may be able to help you find your
way.  Second, I am really glad you are being treated for depression -- I do suggest you
tell whoever is treating you for depression about the way you have been feeling.  It is
important information they need to help you.   You may also want to consider contacting
a counselor/therpaist if you have not done so already -- the right one may be able to
help you a great deal.

I do not know why your friend would say you are weak for taking anti-depressants.  I think
it is a sign of strength and intelligence to seek help when you need it.  I encourage you to
continue to seek help, and to continue to connect with others.  Things *can* get better.

Regards,

Henry

[joemutt]

Welcome here, it is a great warm and place to find support. Hugs.

[marco23]

Hang in  there, I do understand how you feel.  Let me tell you, I'm also new to this forum and trust me I couldn't have found a great one. There's so much love and support here.  This isn't about criticising, it's about supporting w/ open arms 100%.
Welcome....

[Christine]

Hello!
Welcome to the forums! I agree with all the other posts. You are not weak for seeking help when you need it. You are very strong because you recognize that you need help, and you are actively getting it. I have been dealing with depression since I was 19. I have been in and out of therapy since then, and recently have been going to a counselor who deals with chronic illnesses. It really is one of the best things I have done for myself since finding out I was poz.

You said you have been feeling like you are in a decline over the past year. Have you re-evaluated your psyche meds? Perhaps they need to be adjusted or changed. Have any of your hiv meds changed? Some interact with the depression meds. Norvir is a big one for interactions.

Talk to us when you need to talk about being +, we understand.

Christine

[ACinKC]

Welcome.  You shall find the answers you seek.

[Javicho]

welcome, you find the best place in earth, you will love everyone here. Don't pay attention to your friend very soon he will need some advise from you

[Eldon]

Hello Clleanhouse1976...

It is unfortunate that you have tested positive for HIV. However, you are aware of your status and your situation. You have made a giant step by reaching out to others here on this forum to be open and talk about your problems.

You are your safe place and you are your safe person. Each and every one of us deals with our external and our internal anxieties the best way we know how to. When dealing with these certain aspects in our lives, we tend to find ways to cope with our situation. We tend to choose many different outlets in order to get to that "calm" or "peaceful" feeling inside of ourselves.

In some cases, depending on which outlet is chosen, it does more harm than it does good to ourselves. From what I gather you are a successful man with a successful career and are living a stable life. I urge you to continue on your current path with your career that you have.

Regardless of the circumstances, you are still you and you are still in control of your life and it is up to you to choose how you want it to be. One of the toughest things is to look within you. Sometimes when we look inside, we do not like what we see. However, with what you see, you can change that to a different outlook in your life.

Depression is a tough factor to cope with as well. There are a number of things that you can do in order to help change this situation. Self will and determination combined with the treatment that you are on, you can overcome this. As far as your friend, his statement may have been made due to him not knowing all that you are dealing with. In some cases, we all do need help with our situations.

Deep down within you is YOU and it is talking to YOU. Inside of you is your guide as you walk on your journey in this life. Listen to it as it will help you to overcome the obstacles that are in your pathway. With your career, you may want to look at other alternatives for a career while you keep your current position intact. Take your time while doing this so that you can find something that you like. When you do, you will know when to make that change.

Keep your promise that you have made to yourself to stay clean at this point. If the urge should get to you, log on and start talking with others. We are all here to encourage and to assist each other.

WELCOME to the AM forums. You will find that you will enjoy your stay here with us in our community. By all means please do interact with the others and we can all get to know you better as well.

"Don't Give Up, Don't Give In...Cause It Is ALL Within You To WIN!"