POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => I Just Tested Poz => Topic started by: JJ80909 on April 17, 2010, 10:20:26 am
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Hello all. On April 1st I got confirmation of my positive status. April Fools Day will never be the same. It has been a crushing couple of weeks for me. I know you have been through this and it gets better. The roller coaster of emotions I've been through and not having anyone to talk with makes it worse. I've gone through the feelings of denial, self-loathing and lately thinking of myself as damaged goods and will never be able to enter a secure, stable relationship. I can't focus where I need to as this thing hangs over me. I tell myself once I see the lab results and the doc, things will start looking bright again, maybe even get the the acceptance stage. But that is another month to wait. I had my initial labs last week drawn and see the specialist the second week of May.
Physically, I'm a wreck as the stress, emotions, and bad habits (drinking and smoking way to much since getting diagnosed) are taking their toll. And not sleeping. I developed two canker sores in the back of my mouth and a small rash on my leg -- all on top of the seasonal allergies. I need to take care of me for now.
I joined the local support group and had a good first meeting. The next one isn't until early May. I've read many posts on this forum and find it helpful.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.
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J,
Welcome to the forums. Sorry about your April Fool's day confirmation status but here your not alone.
Let me correct a few things in your OP (original post).
" The roller coaster of emotions I've been through and not having anyone to talk with makes it worse"
You do now, here.
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I've gone through the feelings of denial, self-loathing and lately thinking of myself as damaged goods and will never be able to enter a secure, stable relationship"
Although you might have felt these things, they really don't apply. Like all of us, you have a disease - nothing more, nothing less.
"I tell myself once I see the lab results and the doc, things will start looking bright again, maybe even get the the acceptance stage. "
Things will get better.
" I need to take care of me for now."
YES !!!
One last thing, start your journey by learning all you can about your disease. Knowledge is power.
Remember, all of us are here to answer any questions you might have. You'll be fine !!!
v
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Hi and welcome to the site. It is very informative and just about any issue you may have has been discussed many many times. You can do a search and find older threads. It is a great tool.
We all went through exactly what you are going through. The best thing you can do right now is not panic and feel like you are doomed. Don't do anything rash. Give it some time and you will adjust to the bad news. It gets better.
Once you get you're CD4 and VL, you can discuss the best way to handle things with you're doctor. Unless you have something crazy going on with you're immune system, try not to think every minor illness have is do to the HIV and it will kill you. I went through this. Every time I would get a common cold or allergy I though OMG this is it. It was really foolish, but normal when first going through this like you.
Hang in there and keep educating yourself and try not to diagnose every pimple etc. as HIV related.
Good Luck, David
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Hello JJ,
Welcome! trust me, it gets easier quickly. Like everyone has mentioned, educate yourself and things will be easier.
One thing I learned is you can not start to worry about every small health issue and correlate it to HIV. I did that also and thought for sure I had every Opportunist Infection associated with HIV that exists. It turned out that over a short time, almost all of my sudden health issues went away. My Point is try not to stress. If you have a true concern, call you're doctors office and mention it.
If I were you, I would try and relax and wait for you're labs to come back. This may comfort you if you're CD4s are still high and you will have plenty of time to make decisions after discussing things with you're doctor. If you have a low CD4 I am sure you're doc will make the appropriate recommendations and you can get started on a regimen. It is not that terrible. Believe me, in a month or two you will feel better.
Good luck
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Hi JJ,
I just wanted to share with you that I am in the same boat, having just tested positive and know exactly where you are coming from. This is a very difficult time but from what I see in your post you are taking great steps to take care of yourself by heading to the support group and also by reaching out here. I am glad you have found these forums as there is an immense amount of information here and wonderful support from very caring a knowledgeable people. They have helped me out of some very dark places more than once.
Just remember that it is one day at a time and one step at a time. Try to stay as upbeat as possible and don't let this run your life. Embrace it, add it to your life and keep moving forward, keep living by continuing to do the things you need to to take care of yourself. It will get better!
I hope for the best for you and just know that you have a whole community of people out here now that are pulling for you! Hang in there!
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I know you have been through this and it gets better.
This is an excellent Mindset for you to have at this point, you are that much further ahead of the game. It absolutely gets better emotionally as the days progress.
The feelings you are having are all normal under the circumstances. The irrational feeling of damaged goods may linger for a bit, it did for me. Some people get over this faster than others. As far as relationships, whats the rush? You are going to need time to get settled into this new situation. You need to have a good relationship with yourself first, it needs to be all about you until then.
Yeah, the smoking and excessive drinking is not a good thing. IMHO you need to start taking steps now to decrease this. But at the same time dont stress over it, Rome wasnt built in a day. But definately start working on this now.
BTW, Welcome! You will find alot of good info and support here. Have you gon ethrough the info/Lessons in the tabs at the top? They are great.
-Will
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Hi JJ
Perhaps the key thing you said is "I need to take care of me for now". That is absolutely right. Also, try to re-establish a rhythm to your life. You have not suddenly become a virus, and the infection is not the most important thing about you by any measure. You are still yourself.
As others have said, there is a lot of important information to be found on this site - take a while to read some of the boards, and don't hesitate to ask: there are very knowledgeable people here who will take the time to advise if you need it.
Another thing I found helpful at the start is to read other people's posts on the 'I Just Tested Poz' forum: you will find that all of us have felt what you feel, and asked the questions that you are asking now. Try to believe that you are not alone; you have found your way to a good site here.
Regards,
Mark
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Thank you all for your comments and support -- and I am glad to have found these forums. It felt good to post yesterday -- to get some things off my chest. The roller coaster wasn't as bad yesterday as it was in the day's before. I'll see what today brings.
Looking at this as just a disease is true, it's hard though, perhaps because of the uneducated stigma in society. I should not care what they think, rather, what I think. I suppose this same emotional set is true for cancers or other diseases which require education and management. Just making some random comments as I sip my morning coffee.
My labs were drawn last Thursday and perhaps they were not familiar with this disease or unsure of the protocols. The lab took what appeared to be extra precautions for the draw -- the lab tech wore three pairs of gloves and no one else was in the drawing room. The three pairs of gloves kinda got to me that day. My labs were drawn at a military clinic where I usually get my other care. The Doc I saw was great, he took great steps to arrange the appointment with the Infectious Disease Doc, and to make sure whatever labs they wanted were drawn. I have to have one more draw next week at a civilian lab since the military lab was not equipped for the test -- Quantiferon TB Gold.
Tomorrow I have to go to the dentist to have a permanent crown installed. I can't wait to see how they react when I disclose my status. He is a new dentist, at a clinic I've gone to for years.
I wish you all the best, and thank you for your open arms. Have a great Sunday,
JJ
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JJ -
I don't live in the States, but are you obliged to inform dentists about your diagnosis? If not, might you want to take a while to think about when and to whom you disclose?
Mark
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JJ -
I don't live in the States, but are you obliged to inform dentists about your diagnosis? If not, might you want to take a while to think about when and to whom you disclose?
Mark
I think it varies state by state, but I was told (in Louisiana) that I must disclose to dentists. My dentist is in the same building as my doctor so I didn't have a problem telling them.
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Welcome to the forums JJ .
Its only my personal opinion but I choose to tell all of my health care providers my HIV status . I would like my doctors including my dentist to have all the information they may need in order to give the best care .
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I was advised to disclose when they ask of my health or any changes. I plan to ask to speak to the dentist privately -- normally, the dental chairs are separated by an open counter, some privacy, but not much.
JJ
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Welcome to the forums JJ .
Its only my personal opinion but I choose to tell all of my health care providers my HIV status . I would like my doctors including my dentist to have all the information they may need in order to give the best care .
Yeah a lot of HIV problems can begin in the mouth, which is why Ryan White covers dentistry. If you let your dentist know you are positive he or she may spot something early on that they would normally not think anything of.
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Tomorrow I have to go to the dentist to have a permanent crown installed. I can't wait to see how they react when I disclose my status. He is a new dentist, at a clinic I've gone to for years.
You might be surprised! My dentist seemed to be more aware than my first HIV Doc in many ways. Never had a hint of anyone in his office being uncomfortable with it.
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You might be surprised! My dentist seemed to be more aware than my first HIV Doc in many ways. Never had a hint of anyone in his office being uncomfortable with it.
Realize that you're not the only positive person in your town and you may not be the only positive person at his practice. Medical personnel see people with all sorts of problems, diseases, etc... pretty commonly and so their reaction is usually a lot milder than people who don't have exposure to such things.
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Thanks again to all of you -- I had a better weekend than one since being confirmed as poz. Time and talking (as well as posting here and reading others posts) has definitely improved my emotional side.
I disclosed my status to my dentist this afternoon, and he was nothing but professional and concerned for me. I really should not have expected anything less. I suppose the biggest worry I had was the idea of disclosure - as being the first time telling someone outside of support groups or the medical people I've seen.
It's amazing how we sweat the small things and shouldn't.
JJ
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It does seem to get progressively easier to tell people as you tell more people and get good reactions.
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By the way there was no need for the three pairs of gloves. These kinds of things are little slaps at self esteem and eventually they won't push your buttons.
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Hello all. On April 1st I got confirmation of my positive status. April Fools Day will never be the same.
I tested positive on April 1, 2009: That would've been a good one, huh, had it been an April Fool's joke? A knee-slapper. It's been a fast year for me, my numbers look good, the meds cause no problems (at least noticeably), and I don't think about the little critters swimming around in me nearly as much. I'm just saying this to echo what others have said: it gets easier.
Welcome to the forums - they help.
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April 1st won't be the same for me, but heck, an easy date to remember I was confirmed positive. You, and everyone else is right about it getting easier to deal with.
I picked up a copy of my lab results yesterday, and it does not look like the CD4 was done, or rather it did not show up on what tests were completed. It looks like my VL is high, the lab results show: HIV-1RNA ULTRA = 217455 cp/mL. I see the ID doc on May 12th, and will get the full interpretation and plan our course of action.
JJ
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Just an update --
I will be starting more meds next week -- my CD4 count is 190, my VL is 217,455. My doc is waiting on the genome test results before determining which meds to start on. She did have me start Bactrim since my CD4 count is below 200. I see her next week; by then the genome test results will be in. I am anxious about it, but it is coming.
Thanks again for listening,
JJ
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A little point I picked up to respond to: maybe instead of drinking you could get some doctor to prescribe some anti-anxiety medicines and/or some antidepressants. When stress is so high its natural to find something that helps cut it down (booze) but there are more effective drugs.
About the smoking, just continue until you calm down a bit.
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Thanks Mecch, this is something I am working on -- it is not easy given everything else, but much needed.
On another note, or two notes -- today is my birthday and the day I start Atripla. My genome tests came back and the ID called this morning. I picked up the script and am waiting to take it in an hour. I am anxious about it, mainly from the dreams side effect -- I've had everything else and can survive it. Maybe I wont have that one. Only time will tell. What an expensive birthday present -- I need to look at this day as a re-birth. Right now, i am at a low point on the roller coaster and just want to feel better about myself -- I know it shall come with time, but right now is now.
I wish you all a good night or good day,
JJ
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Happy birthday to you JJ. I hope (and think it likely) you will find rebirth and renewed energy as you begin HAART -- and if nothing else it should help you get off the nagging irritations that Bactrim often provides.
A
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Hello all,
Just an update: since starting Atripla in May, my VL is now undetectable, and my CD4 has risen to 270. And, other than not sleeping as well (could also be apprehension over my diagnosis and beginning treatment), I haven't had any of the Atripla side effects. Now, to think about dating again and getting on with my second life. I wish everyone here health and happiness, and will continue to read these boards. They have been a great help to me.
JJ
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hi j,
that's awesome news about your ud status. how are you handling things emotionally these days? (i'm guessing better since your talking about dating again)
max