Author Topic: It's Eric's Fault -- Kind of... (Read 8291 times)

Blixer · « **on:** November 05, 2006, 02:42:54 pm »

Ok, I went to church this morning. It was tough. I used to be very active in church and then I went one time the week after my HIV diagnosis and hadn't been back since. I found myself very introspectful and nearly in tears a lot of the time. I'm not exactly sure why. Of course, no one even spoke to me. Hummm.... I know... it may be me. I may be putting up a wall keeping people away. Maybe I don't want people to speak to me. Anyway, it suddenly dawned on me that even though I don't want to admit it, I think I'm mad at God. Mad at God because I'm gay and have these struggles. And mad at God because I have this virus. Not mad in a way that makes me not believe in Him or want to say or do bad things. Just that seething, low level hurt that kind of says... "why me...." and "how do I get things together?" Sometimes I feel so alone, I feel like no one will ever want me (I've have a history of not so good relationships), and I just feel like I don't really have any place I belong. I work in a very small, rural, conservative town and have a high profile job. I've always had to be very discrete about my lifestyle and now even more than I'm HIV+. I don't like that! I feel like all my life I've had to hide who and what I reallly am. I'll probably go back to church again since I do have a very strong religious background. But I'm just at a loss as to how to start making all the pieces fit together. I'm not sure if that makes any sense or not. But that's kind of where I am right now.

And how is this Eric's Fault? Well, I say that in jest. Eric has been a real encouragement through my whole HIV ordeal. This past week he was one of a couple of individuals that told me I needed to seriously consider getting back in church. So I did... and all of these thoughts and feelings that I kept buried this year are now back at the surface. I think it is a good thing. I just have to figure out where to go from here.

Life · « **Reply #1 on:** November 05, 2006, 03:16:26 pm »

Oh I am going to get beat up for this one for sure...

I love you David and for me I was mad at allot of things when this all came down. But it was not my belief I was mad at, I was mad at me... So many people get thru life barely touching the surface or looking around the next corner.. I think allot of us have a standing order to suck the marrow out of life and seize the day... There are so many different ways to do that as the forums will reveal.. I personally feel at ease knowing whatever happens to me, it will not change my belief, but only make it stronger...

I was kidding about going to church... Just thought Id throw that in and see if you would actually go... (sucker!

).. Keep trying new things, old things, and find your SPOT.. We are all running out of time both +ve & -ve folks... I dont know about you but I use to get cruised a bunch in church before I found Will... And maybe all that old stuff you were taught as a kid will come back to you in a postive way and help you on your journey... I for one am glad my parents tought me what I know now. It saved my life. David you talk about "walls," well, you are now aware of them.. How about you approach the guys instead ahy? It works. Your good looking, loveable and have a great personality... Fuck I never have even met you in person and I am attracted to you. So, with that, for you to be more on the aggressive side of striking up conversations. Build that self-esteem... All the peices are there, it just needs a bit of dustin.

PS... As Sam Kinison once said to the people starving in the desert wanting food "GET OUT OF THE FUCKING DESERT, SEE THIS? ITS SAAAND, YEAH SAND.. YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO BE IN A 100 YEARS? SAAAND!!! GET THE FUCK OUT!...YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT NOTHING IS GOING TO GROW OUT HERE" I would change your high profile to low and move where the FUCKING GUYS ARE! Takes Sam's advise -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22XHf4Uu_b0

You will meet "him" and I think pretty damn soon....

Love YOU David

Alain · « **Reply #2 on:** November 05, 2006, 03:37:05 pm »

Blixer,

Going back places and doing things that used to make you feel good, is a very positive step.

Afterall, you are still the same person except for the addition of that virus.

Anger is a very normal process and with time it will serve you well, and help you find yourself again.

Don't be too hard on you and try to forgive yourself as well.

It is no ones fault, it just happened.

I know you will be allright.

Alain.

( We can always blame Eric for everything )

Blixer · « **Reply #3 on:** November 05, 2006, 04:19:03 pm »

I enjoy having someone to blame every now and then... and so Eric can be a good one for that! He can handle it... usually....

Thanks Eric and Alain. I'm working on it. I guess you have to realize what's really going on inside of you before you can actually make some changes. Today was good! It helped me see some things that were going on inside of me. And I'm mad at myself a bit in all of this too... I thought I was invincible and I thought I was being "careful enough". I'm working on forgiving myself first. Then I can move on to other things. Some very positive things have come out of all of this for me. I now know how precious life and health really are. I don't ever want to forget that. I also have more empathy for others. And maybe most of all, I've come into contact with a whole group of great people here. Thanks to all of you who have helped me these past few months.

bear60 · « **Reply #4 on:** November 05, 2006, 05:23:33 pm »

Blix...I hear what you are saying and offer you this:
So, are the 5 Stages without value? Not if they are used as originally intended, as The 5 Stages of Receiving Catastrophic News. One can even extrapolate to The 5 Stages of Coping With Trauma. Death need not be involved.

As an example, apply the 5 stages to a traumatic event most all of us have experienced: The Dead Battery! You're going to be late to work so you rush out to your car, place the key in the ignition and turn it on. You hear nothing but a grind; the battery is dead.

DENIAL --- What's the first thing you do? You try to start it again! And again. You may check to make sure the radio, heater, lights, etc. are off and then..., try again.

ANGER --- "%$@^##& car!", "I should have junked you years ago." Did you slam your hand on the steering wheel? I have. "I should just leave you out in the rain and let you rust."

BARGAINING --- (realizing that you're going to be late for work)..., "Oh please car, if you will just start one more time I promise I'll buy you a brand new battery, get a tune up, new tires, belts and hoses, and keep you in perfect working condition.

DEPRESSION --- "Oh God, what am I going to do. I'm going to be late for work. I give up. My job is at risk and I don't really care any more. What's the use".

ACCEPTANCE --- "Ok. It's dead. Guess I had better call the Auto Club or find another way to work. Time to get on with my day; I'll deal with this later."
Blix...its from this page:http://www.counselingforloss.com/article8.htm

poet · « **Reply #5 on:** November 05, 2006, 05:32:47 pm »

Hi Blixer. You will find a thread about walls which I started last week, although so far it has been about walls between someone positive and walls with his/her negative partner and whether the forums are an opportunity to not have the wall there.

See if you can separate out God/Him from church. Way, way back in prep. school I did a paper on God, fiaith and religion in which I defined faith as the relationship between God and a man/woman and religion as that man/woman explaining his/her faith to men/women. Part of the working through is between you and God/Him. Part of it is working through a small church, its well known congregation, your small town, your loneliness.

Part of it is working through, as you already have, what made those relationships 'bad,' why you got into them and why you (or the other person(s)) decided to end them. You may have, as the expression goes, moved on, become someone you weren't before and all the pieces which used to fit, like clothing on a child which he or she has outgrown, may not fit any longer and may only be forced to fit, in which case you and the child will need new ones. (And understand that the child which crept into this is NOT meant to infer that you are acting like a child: it's just a simple image which we can all see.) Best, Win

Blixer · « **Reply #6 on:** November 05, 2006, 10:15:36 pm »

Thanks Bear and Poet! Bear, I looked over the 5 stages when I got the news. And I guess not everyone goes through all five stages and not necessarily in the same order. I never did the denial thing. I always knew that HIV was a risk. I was a gay man. Unless you classify denial as letting myself think that I would never get it. By the time I got the news this past January I had already pretty much figured it out. HIV+ was the only thing that made sense with the swollen lymph nodes that I had. I hoped it was something else, but the other alternatives the doctor mentioned were actually worse than HIV. Anyway, I spoke of being angry, but not in a mad/wild type of anger. Maybe I should have used the term disappointment. I'm disappointed with myself. And then I also let that come though to being disappointed in my religion. And its not just over this. I grew up very conservative and at every juncture in my life where I really needed the church and needed someone to be there, the conservative religion I was involved with simply judged me and blamed me. (it had a lot to do with me being gay). Anyway, I realize that is more people and not what God intended. When I said I was angry with God it was the realization that the reason I have avoided church for now for the past few years was because I was disappointed in my concept of God. I had to do some searching and maybe that is where I am now. Maybe that is what I finally realized today. I'll keep moving forward and looking inside and i know I'll be better for it all in the end.

Poet, I've quickly read some of your post on the walls issue and I'll go back and read it more. I have given lots of thought to the relationship issue and I think part of the "wall" is that I don't want to get hurt again. I realize I made some bad choices in the guys that I selected to date and try to develop a relationship with. Maybe they are saying the same thing about me. But I think at one point in time I wanted someone so badly, that I was willing to try to be someone other than who I really was to make it work. And that didn't work for either of us. I won't go into any of the details here, but I let myself get into a relationship that pretty much totally destroyed my self esteem and I let it happen. I spent three years getting byond that and I was about ready to think about dating again when I got my diagnosis. Being honest, after that destruction of the self-esteem I did some pretty self-destructive things myself and most likley that is when I ended up getting infected. It was a relatively short period of time, but I did some really stupid things in that short period of time. But I can't change that now. I need to look forward and move forward. I appreciate all of the support there and I appreciate all of you who have nudged me ahead when maybe I didn't think I wanted to move ahead. So now I'll just go one day at a time and see where life takes me.

Eldon · « **Reply #7 on:** November 06, 2006, 02:23:04 am »

Hello David,

It is good to hear from you. Just as it has been mentioned through many means of communication, we are here to help each other and learn from one another. Each and every one of us are on our"journey" in this life. On our "journey" we will experience many different things in order to teach us and to make one's "self" better. Sometimes, our "ego's" or "pride" gets in the way of the very message that is trying reach us in order to teach us or to prevent us from falling into that pot hole. In some cases it is that answer to a question that has been in the back of your mind for quite some time.

There is a "reason" that you are now taking a "look" at yourself. Perhaps there are some things that need to be addressed in order for you to move on with your "journey" in life. This process that you are now currently going through is called: "Self-Realization" . At some point in our lives, each and every one of us will go through this "phase" in our life. During this "phase" is when you "clean house" with all of your old emotional baggage. Without going through this cleansing process, it is like a ball and chain that is attached to your leg as you drag it along on your "journey" in this life.

The Webster’s Dictionary defines self-realizationism as:

"The ethical theory that the highest good for man consists in realizing or fulfilling himself usually on the assumption that he has certain inborn abilities constituting his real or ideal self."

Further, Webster’s defines self-realization as:

"The fulfillment by oneself of the possibilities of one’s character or personality."

During this process, it is necessary for you to "accept" , "understand" and "communicate" your feelings with a trusted friend or a loved one. These are the (3) three main "keys" to your life. With these "keys" they will allow you to unlock many doors on your "journey" in this life. However, the main "key" to all other "keys" is acceptance. Once you "accept" what is inside of you, then you can began to move on with your "journey" in this life.

One more thing...Just as each and every one of has a relationship, whether it is "Platonic" or "monogamous", there must be "understanding" and "communication" within the relationship in order for it to survive and get even stronger. Just so, with God, (The Great Divine) each and every one of us has a relationship with him personally. The church is a gathering place in order to share, support, and to worship.

The "church" or "building" does not give you God. God is inside of you. You heart, your mind, and your soul. It is up to YOU to have a relationship with him. You have been given the "keys" in order to have this relationship. It is all about "choice". You are now at this fork in the road with YOUR life, and it is up to YOU to decide which "road" YOU wish to travel on for YOUR "journey" in this life. The only person on this "journey" is YOU. No one else can walk it for YOU.

You wanted feedback and I am sharing with you. I trust that you will absorb and learn from what you find through your "Self-Realization". There is actually more to this. However, whichever "door" that your "key" fits that you make the "choice" to walk through will determine the outcome of your "journey" in this life. I can show you the "door" but YOU have to walk through it.

In this life, we are all given a "free will" to make whatever "choice" we wish to make. Things that are in your control are the things that you can change. Things that are not in your control, are the things that you cannot change.

I have shared my peace with you. I am sending you my BEST wishes to YOU for your "journey" in this life.

Make the BEST of each Day!

P.S. It is not Eric's fault. Later down the "road" that you are traveling on, you will "understand" what I am saying.

DanielMark · « **Reply #8 on:** November 06, 2006, 05:03:08 am »

Quote from: Blixer

I guess you have to realize what's really going on inside of you before you can actually make some changes.

Couldn't agree more, David.

I consider life to be one big school of learning. Two Buddhist quotes I admire (not that I'm Buddhist) are:

"If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.”

and

“When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”

Daniel

poet · « **Reply #9 on:** November 06, 2006, 06:05:22 am »

Hi David. Boy do I know what you mean about 1) not wanting to be hurt again and that until I relax back to point a, ever on the defensive which is not the point at which I can meet someone (this is 3 years later, so I think that I am about back to point a); 2) wanting someone so badly that I was willing to become someone other than I really am, my first boyfriend who had to spin out of control in front of me, my parents, my neighbor, my relatives at Christmas, of course, might as well choose a big holiday to do it. In fact it took many other boyfriends to show (since it was so awful I felt compelled to show family and friends) that he had been an error, that I 'got' it (the complete error in judgement). I had already been infected, but didn't know it. This was 1984 and I was freeing myself, finally, of all the controls of being WASP and the sexual assault by the family minister back in 1976 when I was very, very naive. As you all can imagine, it was not a pretty picture. I hope that the person I am today, who is still evolving, can look back at the mess. Best, Win

Poet, I've quickly read some of your post on the walls issue and I'll go back and read it more. I have given lots of thought to the relationship issue and I think part of the "wall" is that I don't want to get hurt again. I realize I made some bad choices in the guys that I selected to date and try to develop a relationship with. Maybe they are saying the same thing about me. But I think at one point in time I wanted someone so badly, that I was willing to try to be someone other than who I really was to make it work. And that didn't work for either of us. I won't go into any of the details here, but I let myself get into a relationship that pretty much totally destroyed my self esteem and I let it happen. I spent three years getting byond that and I was about ready to think about dating again when I got my diagnosis. Being honest, after that destruction of the self-esteem I did some pretty self-destructive things myself and most likley that is when I ended up getting infected. It was a relatively short period of time, but I did some really stupid things in that short period of time. But I can't change that now. I need to look forward and move forward. I appreciate all of the support there and I appreciate all of you who have nudged me ahead when maybe I didn't think I wanted to move ahead. So now I'll just go one day at a time and see where life takes me.

poet · « **Reply #10 on:** November 06, 2006, 08:46:58 am »

Full disclosure: lest the group here find that I don't put things out there in black and white and if it helps David and others see that others have made messes, I met John back in October of 1984, again not knowing that I was hiv positive and despite having seen even future NYC medical hiv experts on my past symptoms. He was my dangerous first boyfriend. I was living in CT and he in NYC so it made sense to me to open a joint checking account (get where this is going?) to make things easier for us. Thanksgiving and Christmas eve/morning were spent with his family on Long Island, a family well aware of his being gay, accepting, etc. Christmas afternoon brought us, via a car, to my father's extended family gathering at my parents' house, as it turned out my father's mother's last holiday. On route he gave me a pill 'to calm you down.' Yes, of course I took it, not knowing what it was or what it would do. I remember the early part of the holiday evening. Then little or nothing. I was told, afterwards and sometimes long afterward, that I was there, eating, talking, etc. Then I was brought into a downstairs bedroom to sleep it off. At some point in all of this John and I were (making out?) upstairs, witnessed by our maid. At some point my mother or father or both asked John to leave and to take me with him. Back at my apartment in the same city, I was given a shower and put to bed. John then, according to my next door neighbor whose bedroom abutted mine, decided that since I was unavailable, he would make use of my roommate (who had the bedroom while I slept in the living room, something I did to have a gay presence in this otherwise non-gay appearing city). And of course, once we had broken up shortly afterwards, John had applied for and used a line of credit on the joint account. And of course I had known that he had airlines and others after him via the phone/voicemail. And that he had a calendar with whom he would be sleeping with- usually ex-boyfriends- during the week when I was not around. I even was there once, deciding to stay over in NYC one night when he came home, late, with a pick-up.

It took years and years and years of trying to pull myself, my self-respect, the trust of my parents and others out of this hole, but time and determination got me there and, if anything comparable to this ever applies to any of you, know that you, too, will be able to pull yourselves back out. Win

david25luvit · « **Reply #11 on:** November 06, 2006, 09:02:33 am »

Hey David/ Blixer....

Hang in there Babycakes............You're going through a stage and YES, it will PASS. It does take time and you may find it necessary
to forgive yourself as well as God for allowing bad things to happen to good people. Depression and self recriminations comes with the territory but in time
(and that varies from person to person) you will discover that we must all LEAN on others ( God, our friends, family & etc) in order to reclaim our lives and
begin to live again. It took me almost two years after David died to forgive myself and God for taking him away from me...not to mention my own illness.
I agree with Eric...I think you should return to the church but only when you're ready to do so....Allow yourself the time to heal...to accept what has happened
to you but remember you are NOT ALONE.

aztecan · « **Reply #12 on:** November 06, 2006, 10:26:16 am »

Hey David,
You wrote:

Quote

I work in a very small, rural, conservative town and have a high profile job. I've always had to be very discrete about my lifestyle and now even more than I'm HIV+. I don't like that! I feel like all my life I've had to hide who and what I really am.

Been there, done that, won't do it again. I was a high-profile type person at one time. Everyone knew my face because it was in the newspaper every Sunday.

After too many years of being sexually inert, at least locally, I decided enough was enough. I didn't come out on the front page or anything, just stopped trying to hide.

That was so liberating. The sense of freedom, of a weight being lifted off my shoulders, was incredible. HIV had made me climb back into that closet somewhat. I didn't want anyone to know.

I later became comfortable enough with my virus that it didn't matter any longer. Now, pretty much everyone knows. I always have folks asking me how I'm doing, how's my health, etc., even people I don't really know.

There are probably people who won't speak to me, or who avoid me, either because of the gay issue or the HIV issue. Too bad, their loss.

David, don't rush it. HIV is still relatively new in your life. Just take it a day at a time. Remember that you are not alone.

HUGS,

Mark

Life · « **Reply #13 on:** November 06, 2006, 11:25:21 am »

Mark, I hope I maybe you someday.. "Comfortable with my virus".. I am beat over the head that "its none of their business," "Its not a secret". I will probably never disclose voluntarily, but when it comes time that someone just point blank asks me, I havent a bloody clue whats going to come out of my mouth...

Mark you got the world by the balls...

Will you let me play with them someday?

aztecan · « **Reply #14 on:** November 06, 2006, 11:34:16 am »

Blixer · « **Reply #15 on:** November 06, 2006, 07:08:59 pm »

Thanks everyone for the kind words and the advice. I know I'm at one of those stages where I'm sorting through some things. And I was ready to go back to church this past Sunday. I just didn't realize the feelings/emotions it would bring to the surface at that time. And I do hope that everyone realizes that I'm only kidding about it in any way being Eric's fault. Eric was just one of those individuals that gave me a little nudge last week (along with a family member) that made me decide it was time go take that step again. I'll go back, maybe even next week. I realize I don't have to go to church to have a relationship with God. But I guess I'm hopeful that it will help me in my struggle to find some sense of a place where I have some sense of belonging.

Eldon, thanks for your comments. I probably already do have a concept of what you are saying. I appreciated your statements about relationships and to a degree I think I'm just trying to figure out what my role has been in the ones that have not been successful and even in my relationship with God. I once had a very wise older secretary that told me as you age lots of the things you used to think were "black and white" end up having a lot of gray. I think she was so right. I find myself much more liberal than I used to be in my views and in my view of God. I grew up with a very "boxed in" God. I think He is so much bigger than that. And yes, I realize that I've kind of pushed my relationship with God to the background because of things I've done and the consequences that those things have brought. So it's a learning experience every day. I just hope I continue to see it that way.

I think that is what you were saying Daniel! And thanks so much for sharing the quotes. I think they are great!

And Poet, wow, could I really identify with much of what you had to say. Reading that was almost like thinking you had seen some of my very life and thoughts. So I guess maybe we all go through some similar things. I did really appreciate your willingness to be so open and share so much with the "full disclosure" piece.

David, I do get lots of comfort from realizing I'm not alone. And it has been great to be able to be open here and just share some of what has been going through my head. Yes, I know it is a process or a "stage" and I do think I'm working through it. It is so helpful to have friends like all of you who I know I can say "here is where I am," and then get some of the great feedback. I'm doing a lot of processing of information and thoughts right now.

And Mark, I've always lived and worked in the small, conservative, rural communities. I've hated the fact that I've always felt like I could not openly be myself. I would like to say that I got to the point like you where it didn't matter and I could just go on with my life. But so far I'm not there. That was one reason that I had set my sights on relocating to St. Louis. In a bigger city I could have my high profile occupation and still have a chance of being myself. To a degree, I know that lots of people in my community know that I'm gay. I'm good at what I do in my career and it's kind of like there is an unspoken acceptance that as long as I don't make a big deal out of it, they won't either. I can't imagine lots of people not knowing I'm gay. After all, I've had a profile with my pic on it for a number of years. I'm sure people have stumbled across it. And I've even run into former students in gay bars in St. Louis. Yet, this past April, in the midst of my diagnosis being so new and looking at starting meds I get a call from my school board president that questioned a yahoo personals ad. I wasn't up to fighting any of it at that point so I simply took the ad down. It was interesting in that I simply told the board that the ad was gone and that was enough for them. Again, kind of like as long as I don't flaunt being gay, they know it, but they choose to ignore it. I'm not sure I"m being fair to myself or anyone else with taking that track, but that's where I am now. There is still a lot of homophobia and even more fear of HIV. Luckily, I'm out to my assistant and she also knows of my HIV status and she has been my "protector" so to speak in the community. But like Eric, someday I hope I can be to that same point that you have gotten to where I can be me, no matter what and be okay with that and with others knowing it.

And then Eric... Thanks again bud for all that you have done and for the encouragement you have provided. I think we understand each other in a very unique way. I think you probably know me well enough from these past 10 months that you could predict some of the ways I would react to thing. I do agree that mark definatelly has the world by the balls.... And of course, I'm not surprised you want to play with them. After all, I did blame this thread on you in the first place...

Thanks to all of you! As I look back at these past 10 months I know I've grown significantly. I have a much better understanding of the world we live in and now I'm gaining an even better understanding of myself! Sometimes learning and understand tends to stretch us a bit. It may even make us uncomfortable. Maybe that's where I am right now. But, forward I go! This virus isn't the end of the world, it just changes how I look at the world sometimes.

Eldon · « **Reply #16 on:** November 06, 2006, 08:36:44 pm »

Quote from: DanielMark on November 06, 2006, 05:03:08 am

“When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”

Hey Daniel, David and Mark, and Eric. The above statement is all so true. When, and only when the student is ready, then the teacher will appear. The "student" has to be willing and ready to learn.

With this sort of "teaching" the content is far beyond the fact that you are Staright, Gay, Bi-Sexual, or Lesbian. These teachings are about your life in general. The sexual orientation is only a small part of the big picture.

Make the BEST of each and every Day!

Wishing you the BEST on your "journey" David.

Life · « **Reply #17 on:** November 06, 2006, 09:08:12 pm »

Can I just pay for a private tutor Eldon? Or pay someone to take the test for me?

Eldon · « **Reply #18 on:** November 06, 2006, 09:29:00 pm »

Hey Eric,

You can get yourself a Tutor and they will help you "prepare" for the teachings. However, it is YOU and each and every one of us that has to take the "test" ourselves. Just like I shared with David, "I can show you the door, but YOU have to walk through it".

So get a new pair of sneakers Eric and get ready to do some walking as your tutor teaches you the student to get ready for your test.

Walmart has a sale on door mats that say WELCOME!

Make the BEST of each and every single Day!

Blixer · « **Reply #19 on:** November 06, 2006, 11:54:28 pm »

Eldon and Eric, I think I'm up for the journey. At least so far I've made it and I think I'm doing okay. There have been bumps and there have been some tough times. But I also think I'm learning a lot and I know I've got a lot more to learn. And Eric, I don't think there is an easy way out of this one. No matter how much you pay for it in cash. Good thing I have comfey shoes Eldon.

Eldon · « **Reply #20 on:** November 07, 2006, 12:21:20 am »

Hey David...

It is good that you already have a pair fo your comfy shoes and you are up for the "journey". My ears are tingling from your response. As for Eric, you are RIGHT he can't get out of this one. I already told him that he cannot hide up there in those mountains! LOL!

Make the BEST of each and every Day!

DanielMark · « **Reply #21 on:** November 07, 2006, 03:50:37 am »

Quote from: Blixer

I once had a very wise older secretary that told me as you age lots of the things you used to think were "black and white" end up having a lot of gray. I think she was so right. I find myself much more liberal than I used to be in my views and in my view of God. I grew up with a very "boxed in" God. I think He is so much bigger than that.

David,

I'd just like to share a verse from a song I like from a singer/songwriter I admire, Janis Ian.

When Angels Cry was featured on the daytime soap General Hospital (for 6 episodes) about one of the characters dying with AIDS. It still chokes me up everytime I hear it.

‘cause only love will matter in the end
for woman or for man
What's the difference now
Here we live with bottles
and needles and truth
Here is your living proof
that death cannot be proud
Some say it's a judgement on us all
I can't believe that God could be that small

from: When Angels Cry
by Janis Ian

Daniel

david25luvit · « **Reply #22 on:** November 07, 2006, 03:59:21 am »

(((( Big Hug )))))

Florida69 · « **Reply #23 on:** November 07, 2006, 10:50:51 am »

Well, David, I have to admit that I only come here to see you and Eric, and to catch up with what is going oin with you guys. You both have been a great friend to me and held my hand when I was first diagnosed in January. Let me say this about your relationship with God, it belongs to you. No one else.. Church is a wonderful place, but from my experience, growing up a southern baptist, it can be social hour, and yes my parents were parishioners of Jim Baker. Go figure.... In the Muslim religion God is the center of all, and no one not even a profit should be put before God, I know I dated a Muslim. That should never be your reason for going to God's house, you go there to find the time and space that you need to be with him. You have to own your relationship with God, and only allow the good in about him. You cried, that is you letting yourself feel and get rid of the bad energy. My great grandmother used to say that tears are like rain, they are washing away the evil from within and making your soul fresh with the ability to grow. You went, that is the beginning. There is a path in front of you, and you have to choose how you want to walk it. God or religion can help you become more at piece with yourself and more whole as a person. God is all around you, he nestles himself on the individual piece of snow that falls outside, and the icy patch on the road. You have to decide on the patch whether you take it head on, or take the risk of turning to avoid it, remember not to brake. No one really knows what is in the cards for any of us, we do not know why we are dealing with this virus, but what we do know is that we have to change, grow and survive. Darwin believed in the survival of the fitest, who is to say that your spiritual belief does not help in that survival. David you are truly a beautiful person, full of love, laughter, intelligence, hope and you are on the path to becoming more spiritual. Hooray for you... Know you are loved and thought of often my friend, you always know where to find me...

LOVE FOR YOU
D

Blixer · « **Reply #24 on:** November 07, 2006, 06:57:18 pm »

Eldon, I've always seen life as a journey and so even in the midst of all of this I'm up for it. There may be days when it's a bit difficult but I'm not counting on backing down any time soon.

Daniel, thanks for sharing the words to the song. I'm gonna go see if I can find it someplace to listen to it. I think I have an even greater appreciation for music and the meaning in music since my diagnosis. I find I pay closer attention to the message than I ever did before.

And David, it's always nice to come here and find a few hugs.

D... wow, what can I say... you were diagnosed close to the same time I was and I remember your first posts over at The Body. Learning to try to navigate this whole health care system was something else. I think we both had a load of frustrations there. And I think Eric kind of knew we both needed some hand holding. One of these days soon I need to start getting around and meeting some of you guys that helped me through those first few months. But thanks so much for your comments and that way you have put some things into perspective.

Eldon · « **Reply #25 on:** November 07, 2006, 09:56:38 pm »

Hey David,

He (God) is right there "in the midst of it all". Actually there is a song for that made by Yolanda Adams. Great listen.

Besides...music is made for the soul.

Make the BEST of each Day on your Journey!

P.S. Hey Florida69, there was a REASON your were exposed to the Muslim faith. "He (God) IS the center of it all." God is above and beyond any form of religion on this Earth.

DanielMark · « **Reply #26 on:** November 08, 2006, 04:10:19 am »

Quote from: Blixer

Daniel, thanks for sharing the words to the song. I'm gonna go see if I can find it someplace to listen to it.

Check your PMs David.

Daniel

allopathicholistic · « **Reply #27 on:** November 09, 2006, 05:42:54 pm »

Quote from: DanielMark on November 06, 2006, 05:03:08 am

“When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”

oh. gorgeous. thanks! i guess i'll meet a lot of "teachers" in the next few weeks!!

Eldon · « **Reply #28 on:** November 09, 2006, 09:32:53 pm »

Hey Alex, David, Eric, Daniel, and Florida69,

Remember that the "student" must be "ready" to:

Accept what is being taught by the teacher.

Understand what is being taught by the teacher.

Communicate what is being taught by the teacher.

When you apply these (3) three, you will have a successful "learning" experience from your "teacher".

Make the BEST of each and every Day!

Eldon · « **Reply #29 on:** November 10, 2006, 12:06:46 am »

Hey Alex,David, Daniel,Eric, Florida69,

Understanding takes you to a whole new level on your "journey" in this life.

Make the BEST of each Day!

DanielMark · « **Reply #30 on:** November 12, 2006, 01:44:02 pm »

For Blixer

WHEN ANGELS CRY
(Janis Ian)

Wait your tired arms must rest
let this moment pass
wait until the morning
Close your eyes and let me see
who you used to be
left without a warning

Who knew one so big could grow so small
lighter than the writing on the wall

When angels cry, can I stand by
when stones weep, can my heart sleep
I wish I'd never heard
wish I'd never heard
wish I'd never heard
the power of a four-letter word

For only love will matter in the end
for woman or for man
what's the difference now?
Here, we live with bottles and needles and truth here
is your living proof
that death cannot be proud

Some say it's a judgement on us all
I can't believe that god could be that small

When angels cry
can I stand by
when stones weep
can my heart sleep
I wish I'd never heard
wish I'd never heard
wish I'd never heard
the power of a four-letter word

If ever was a soul that longed to fly
if ever was a heart that longed to bloom
if ever was an angel it was you
so close your eyes
and say goodbye
goodbye . . .

When angels cry
I can't stand by
when stones weep
my heart can't sleep
I guess I finally learned
guess I've finally learned
yes I've finally learned
love is just a four letter word
hope is just a four letter word

Eldon · « **Reply #31 on:** November 12, 2006, 06:51:14 pm »

Hey Daniel,

Very, very, interesting poem. When Angels Cry.

Make the BEST of each and every Day!

Eldon · « **Reply #32 on:** November 12, 2006, 10:40:25 pm »

Hey Everyone!

A monk is out for a walk. The monk comes to a river and sees another on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" the monk shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The other looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

Make the BEST of each Day!

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