Author Topic: Ugh.....angry again (Read 16383 times)

mpositive · « **on:** March 21, 2011, 07:25:36 am »

I read a posting on the forums where this +/- couple had unprotected sex for years and the man never got infected......don't get me wrong, that is great. But I feel like crap....I had sex once, unprotected, with a woman and got infected!!!!! Man, I wish I was as lucky in the lotto. This is just a rant...has no real meaning but to express some inner anger and dismay.
now back to my regularly scheduled life....lol

Thanks for "listening"
M

Ann · « **Reply #1 on:** March 21, 2011, 09:10:41 am »

M,

I've moved this post from the Women's forum to the Living forum. As a man, you are not permitted to post in the women's forum. Please don't post there again. Thank you for your cooperation.

Ann

Theyer · « **Reply #2 on:** March 21, 2011, 09:39:23 am »

If I attained the same odds in the Lotto as I have with my AIDS history my Secretary, Kurt , would be typing this.
And remember a rant a day can keep the Doctor away;
t

hope_for_a_cure · « **Reply #3 on:** March 21, 2011, 10:49:16 am »

Quote from: mpositive on March 21, 2011, 07:25:36 am

I read a posting on the forums where this +/- couple had unprotected sex for years and the man never got infected......don't get me wrong, that is great. But I feel like crap....I had sex once, unprotected, with a woman and got infected!!!!! Man, I wish I was as lucky in the lotto. This is just a rant...has no real meaning but to express some inner anger and dismay.
now back to my regularly scheduled life....lol
Thanks for "listening"
M

Russian Roulette baby!

skeebo1969 · « **Reply #4 on:** March 21, 2011, 11:00:15 am »

So you tried posting this in the Women's Forum so us guys wouldn't be able to respond? lol

Mpos, just for future reference you can also get a woman pregnant the first time too... although, the news doesn't quite hit you the same as when told you're positive. Umm, yeah.

I hope all is well on your end, bud.

DanMo · « **Reply #5 on:** March 21, 2011, 11:43:51 am »

I understand how you feel. I'm 23 and I was a virgin until about 6 months ago. I'm not even sure how it happened since I always used condoms. There's a chance that it could have been a broken condom...

Dan

woodshere · « **Reply #6 on:** March 21, 2011, 11:49:27 am »

Quote from: hope_for_a_cure on March 21, 2011, 10:49:16 am

Russian Roulette baby!

So true. I admit I was pretty much a whore leading up to being diagnosed. I did always practice safer sex and used a condom on the few times I had anal sex until .... As best I can tell I was infected the one time I did it raw. There is no rhyme or reason how all this works out. The best thing we can do is just accept the way we got infected and go forward. Of course easier said than done. Even now I look back occasionally to that night and just kind of laugh about how stupid I was.

hope_for_a_cure · « **Reply #7 on:** March 21, 2011, 11:54:48 am »

Quote from: woodshere on March 21, 2011, 11:49:27 am

Even now I look back occasionally to that night and just kind of laugh about how stupid I was.

Me too woodshere! That urge to merge got me where I am today.

newt · « **Reply #8 on:** March 21, 2011, 12:02:28 pm »

Well, shit happens, which is unfair, but there you go. Plus there's a world of difference between having sex with someone who is on treatment and someone who is not, plus the whole question of genetic susceptibility/immunity and other factors that facilitate/prevent transmission to add to the mix.

Don't change how you feel.

This said, I'd rather have Elton John's guilt of having been a slut and having stayed HIV-negative than having a single shag and ending up HIV-positive. Or indeed many shags.

Like you I ended up HIV-positive, but this is not the whole of my life.

"The urge to merge" - good phrase hope_for

- matt

Now playing: Radio 6, some old indie tune

komnaes · « **Reply #9 on:** March 21, 2011, 12:17:19 pm »

I remember when I was a kid, whenever I complained that life was unfair, my mother would show us this photo..

Yes, she kept it in the house, which she cut from a newspaper (it was b&w, not as horrifying as I remember.. poor Kevin Carter). And she would add, statistically I could easily have been born under similar circumstances.

http://mihaelanedea.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/kevin-carter-vulture.jpg

Now, the only conclusion I draw from this episode is that Catholics (especially Catholic mothers) are EXCEPTIONALLY good at installing guilt in young minds. The fact is - I wasn't her, and I am not like billions of people that are living now, have lived in the past and will live in the future. I deal with my own circumstances..

It saves me a lot of anger and enviness (is it even a word?)...

Hugs, Shaun

(modified - wow, wasn't expecting my photo would head that way.. I know it would still be included in those subsequent quoted posted but just wanna take it out from my post.. hence just the link now.. sorry..)

mpositive · « **Reply #10 on:** March 21, 2011, 12:27:10 pm »

Wow...Ann, I do know better. I was browsing and apparently did not realize I was in that forum . SO sorry. That was definitely not intentional.

Thanks for moving it.

woodshere · « **Reply #11 on:** March 21, 2011, 12:32:22 pm »

Quote from: komnaes on March 21, 2011, 12:17:19 pm

I remember when I was a kid, whenever I complained that life was unfair, my mother would show us this photo..

Whenever I had or have a pity party my mom always says, "There are plenty of people worse off than you". Of course she is right, doesn't help at that moment, but when my party ends I know how fortunate I am.

skeebo1969 · « **Reply #12 on:** March 21, 2011, 12:42:22 pm »

Quote from: komnaes on March 21, 2011, 12:17:19 pm

I would hate to be that vulture, the pickings are slim.

thunter34 · « **Reply #13 on:** March 21, 2011, 12:43:42 pm »

You know....sometimes you're just not fucking funny, Thomas.

Good god.

Jeff G · « **Reply #14 on:** March 21, 2011, 12:46:33 pm »

Yeah Thomas that's awful .

Ann · « **Reply #15 on:** March 21, 2011, 12:47:49 pm »

Quote from: mpositive on March 21, 2011, 12:27:10 pm

Wow...Ann, I do know better. I was browsing and apparently did not realize I was in that forum . SO sorry. That was definitely not intentional.

Thanks for moving it.

No problem. We all make mistakes, eh?

And I think we probably all have had those thoughts of "why the fuck ME?" When I was first diagnosed, I kept thinking if only I had broken up with him a few months earlier.... but I soon realised that was fruitless and it was holding me back from accepting this part of my life and getting on with living. And ironically, he and I are back together (3 years) and very happy after a ten year break.

I urge you to find a therapist you can work this out with. Holding on to that anger isn't going to do you one bit of good - but it can do you a whole lot of harm.

And Thomas - grow up already. There's black humour and there's just being sick. And what you posted was just sick.

skeebo1969 · « **Reply #16 on:** March 21, 2011, 12:54:48 pm »

Yeah I know, it can be bad sometimes... even my best of friends say so.

I apologize.

Jeff G · « **Reply #17 on:** March 21, 2011, 12:57:40 pm »

Quote from: skeebo1969 on March 21, 2011, 12:54:48 pm

Yeah I know, it can be bad sometimes... even my best of friends say so.

I apologize.

I do the same dang thing on a regular basis ... I am getting better but its so hard

Sweet_C · « **Reply #18 on:** March 21, 2011, 01:37:59 pm »

Yeah, it's hard for me to deal with the "why me?" thoughts too. What I hate especially is that I got this disease by doing something that the vast majority of people have done, but yet people have this attitude that people with HIV "deserve" the disease for not protecting themselves.

I saw a show where a woman had unprotected sex and got pregnant and went on and on about how it changed her life and how beautiful her life was after giving birth, how she went on to get married, etc. etc. . That show really killed me, because all I could think was wow, that woman has unprotected sex and she gets a fairy tale ending complete with a Prince Charming but what I got was a potentially life threatening and extremely stigmatized virus. And some of these same people who engaged in the same risky behaviors that I did have the nerve to call me "irresponsible" because I got the disease.

I really work hard to just block out the injustice of it all because if I dwelled on it it would drive me crazy!

tednlou2 · « **Reply #19 on:** March 22, 2011, 02:41:37 am »

Well, some blame Manhunt.net. I'm perplexed why they gave this guy a forum to blame a hook-up site for all his problems. It would be different, if they did a story on hooking up safely on social websites or the impact the internet has had on infections. But, this is just strange. I can see people lining up for their own story and video blaming a particular bar/club for providing the place where they met the person who gave them HIV.

http://www.thebody.com/content/art60261.html#commentAdd

littleprince · « **Reply #20 on:** March 22, 2011, 04:09:08 am »

Quote from: hope_for_a_cure on March 21, 2011, 11:54:48 am

Me too woodshere! That urge to merge got me where I am today.

Me three. Life, eh? Get smashed once an go bb and it gives you a good kick in the ass to teach you a lesson. Meh, no point dwelling on it now. what's done is done.

ThatsAll · « **Reply #21 on:** March 22, 2011, 07:09:04 am »

When I think of how I got infected, I rage. But what good does it do? Not a freaking thing. The world is so unfair. But how do you think kids with cancer feel? Man the hell up. My friend with three kids was killed by a fucking stray bullet. Guy was as normal as they came. Didn't deserve it at all. You're still here. You still have a chance of being a happy person. I know I am trying. No matter how bad it is, remember someone has it worse.

spacebarsux · « **Reply #22 on:** March 22, 2011, 07:32:28 am »

IMO, at least in the first few months after diagnosis it is perfectly OK to go over "what if", "why me" scenarios. Not just that, but I think me being me (and I think I can speak for most newly diagnosed), no matter what one says-it is NATURAL and plain HUMAN NATURE to go ponder on these thoughts.

Having said that, I think after a certain point in time (I don't know what that is) one MUST stop thinking in such a manner and just make the best with the set of cards that one has been dealt with in life. There really is no point getting bitter and angry in the long term; not only would it be counter productive but can one a very sad person.

CaptCarl · « **Reply #23 on:** March 22, 2011, 08:28:15 pm »

Mistakes unfortunately can really have nasty repercussions that last the rest of your life. You'll learn to get a grip on the anger, it comes with time, but for now, it's part and parcel of the whole ball of HIV flavored wax.

CaptCarl

Jody · « **Reply #24 on:** March 22, 2011, 10:50:21 pm »

Regrets, of things we've done, or for that matter which we have not done are an awful emotion and can best be supressed from my view by putting your right foot forward and moving on to better emotions and better places. Keep yourself well, that's a job too. And stop the lamentations, believe me I know that is easier said than done but work on it. Lamenting our past stumbles and falls sucks big time. Keep your health, get some fresh air and exercise, eat well and bottle that happiness when you feel it so it's in reserve when the downs come calling.

Keep on truckin'

Jody

mpositive · « **Reply #25 on:** March 23, 2011, 07:53:50 am »

Thanks all. But really, it was a momentary rant ..... almost laughable...but nonetheless, not a big deal really. Just a passing thought that I shared with you all....as this would be the place I share. Thanks again all!

knittygritty · « **Reply #26 on:** March 23, 2011, 05:13:26 pm »

Momentary rants and bitchings sometimes need to be aired. Even lurkers like me sometimes just gotta get things off my chest. If you can't bitch to random strangers on an anonymous forum - then who can you bitch to??
I take it one day at a time like the drunks do.

Jody · « **Reply #27 on:** March 23, 2011, 09:38:45 pm »

Hey knitty, you're right to take it one day at a time, even non-alcoholics like me can appreciate that. :)And this forum has been an amazing, helpful and supportive place to come to over the years when I have had my troubled rant or three!

Be well.

Jody

Bucko · « **Reply #28 on:** March 24, 2011, 08:16:03 pm »

Quote from: tednlou2 on March 22, 2011, 02:41:37 am

Well, some blame Manhunt.net. I'm perplexed why they gave this guy a forum to blame a hook-up site for all his problems. It would be different, if they did a story on hooking up safely on social websites or the impact the internet has had on infections. But, this is just strange. I can see people lining up for their own story and video blaming a particular bar/club for providing the place where they met the person who gave them HIV.

http://www.thebody.com/content/art60261.html#commentAdd

Much as I dislike overdoing the whole personal responsibility/shame game, I dislike these ninnies who can't seem to face up to the cause of their infections even more.

It's not a website's fault; it's not the fault of a bar or club: it's your own. Unless you were raped, the easiest way to find the person responsible for your infection is to find a well-lit mirror and gaze for a bit.

[/rant]

CaptCarl · « **Reply #29 on:** March 24, 2011, 08:41:58 pm »

Quote from: Bucko on March 24, 2011, 08:16:03 pm

the easiest way to find the person responsible for your infection is to find a well-lit mirror and gaze for a bit.

[/rant]

BINGO!!!!

drewm · « **Reply #30 on:** March 24, 2011, 09:03:29 pm »

Unless you were raped, the easiest way to find the person responsible for your infection is to find a well-lit mirror and gaze for a bit.

Ament (As Madea would say)

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #31 on:** March 24, 2011, 09:16:46 pm »

I blame my coke dealer and a bad outfit selection that evening.

woodshere · « **Reply #32 on:** March 24, 2011, 09:22:38 pm »

I blame my bottle of poppers, otherwise there was no way something that big was gonna fit!!!

hope_for_a_cure · « **Reply #33 on:** March 24, 2011, 09:41:10 pm »

I have no idea who infected me and it really does not matter at this point. Hell, I dont even get angry about it and never really did, it was my lifestyle at the time and the choices I made that caused me to become HIV+. That simple! The blame game goes nowhere productive and if anybody thinks it is healthy to go that route, then I would hope in time they wake-up and take some responsibility for their actions.

I went years without knowing my status and when asked I assumed I was negative but really did not know. I just wanted some good sex and a good time. That scenario is quite common I would submit and its easy to want to believe your bareback top is telling you the truth about being HIV negative when in fact they dont even know.

Anger is a crippling emotion. Its natural to be concerned, shocked, and even dismayed when diagnosed but the anger and blame thing that some choose to wallow in is not the answer in my opinion. Thats just my point of view for what its worth.

hope_for_a_cure · « **Reply #34 on:** March 24, 2011, 09:54:26 pm »

Quote from: woodshere on March 24, 2011, 09:22:38 pm

I blame my bottle of poppers, otherwise there was no way something that big was gonna fit!!!

It was all those naked men at the sex party and they did fit! I loved every minute of it too while it was happening.

Quote from: Miss Philicia on March 24, 2011, 09:16:46 pm

I blame my coke dealer and a bad outfit selection that evening.

I think I was buck naked when I made it to the second floor of that townhouse in PA where these gatherings took place. I did keep on my socks if we met during the winter months. They had to be freshly washed white socks, you know because I am clean.

denb45 · « **Reply #35 on:** March 24, 2011, 10:19:22 pm »

Quote from: woodshere on March 24, 2011, 09:22:38 pm

I blame my bottle of poppers, otherwise there was no way something that big was gonna fit!!!

I blame that warm gun I shot into my veins back in 80/81 best FUCK I ever had , way better than any sex

GSOgymrat · « **Reply #36 on:** March 24, 2011, 11:51:20 pm »

I blame God.

spacebarsux · « **Reply #37 on:** March 25, 2011, 04:09:10 am »

I blame destiny. IMO, blaming others is not healthy, but nor is it to blame yourself (so that causes self loathing etc- which is also unhealthy).

Its just bad luck. Plain and simple.

TakingAChance · « **Reply #38 on:** March 25, 2011, 05:11:53 am »

When I can't sleep I love to read these posts. I get some good laughs out of some of those answers. The Blame Game. The Shame Game . It's all the Same Game. Baby..I agree. Stand in the Mirror and take a good look. If I own it, it can't own Me. Miss Philicia makes me roar with laughter at times. Thanks.

denb45 · « **Reply #39 on:** March 25, 2011, 11:59:33 am »

Quote from: GSOgymrat on March 24, 2011, 11:51:20 pm

I blame God.

So let me clarify something to everyone here in this forum.
I'm the one who did this, so I OWN IT, I really can't blame anyone for getting AIDS, but me, myself & I

it is really unfair to blame anyone else now is it, especially if you knew the risk , now if you were RAPPED, by someone who was POZ, or if they LIED TO YOU ABOUT IT and had unprotected sex with you anyway, that's a little different, just to clarify

if you are NEG, then you have to assume everyone is POZ or has an STD, if your POZ, it's just common sense

CaptCarl · « **Reply #40 on:** March 25, 2011, 07:12:08 pm »

Ultimately, it doesn't matter the circumstances under which you were infected. What matters is that you are infected, everything else is just semantics really.

I have been infected for 23 years this summer, and I have spent twenty two and a half of them with the knowledge that I was infected during the period when my partner at the time and I broke up. That after we got back together, I infected him before knowing that I was positive myself. That he never once let me forget that I was going to be responsible for his death, and that he used this as a weapon against me at every opportunity. That he died in '95, and it was my fault. That I had spent a lot of time agonizing over that fact.

Until last November. That was when I learned from his sister, that he actually infected me, and he knew it at the time. I have come to realize also, that due to the extreme control freak personality he had, that not only did he know he infected me, he did it intentionally. It was his way of trying to control me, by making me think it was me who did this, and that the guilt would keep me submissive. And it did. For a while anyway.

You would think that finding this out would be the Ultimate Mind Fuck. And you would be wrong... After all of this came to light, I felt absolutely nothing. I even tried to get pissed off, upset, hurt, you name it. But ultimately I felt nothing because I realized that it didn't fucking matter one bit. This information didn't change my health status in any way shape or form. It meant, and means, nothing to me. Even then, I still acknowledge that I still have some responsibility for my situation. After all, I could have insisted that we be tested before getting back together, but I didn't. End of story.

CaptCarl

denb45 · « **Reply #41 on:** March 26, 2011, 10:13:03 am »

Carl, my situation almost mirror's yours except, I was 32 and my 1st Ex was 49 we met back in the AUG of 89, and he died in NOV 91, I to used to feel guilty about his death, but, now I understand, that I wasn't the person that infected him...

His doctor @ that time told me upon his death, that there is no way in hell you could of infected him when you met him, he was already SICK, but just didn't know it, he started to get very sick in MARCH of 91, and was on a host of meds, but, he lost his battle 8 months later, after his death...

I later found out that he had a whole host of regular sex partners, that I didn't even know about, until after his death, I met some of them, and they kinda filled-in-the-blanks for me, interesting just what you find about
a person after they die

CaptCarl · « **Reply #42 on:** March 26, 2011, 10:24:38 am »

Quote from: denb45 on March 26, 2011, 10:13:03 am

interesting just what you find about
a person after they die

TESTIFY BROTHER!!!

The best part for me was that after I proccesed everything, the predominant thing I felt was....stupid.
Stupid for having been so easily led. For having owned all of the responsibility for the situation. But that passed quickly enough. I realized that when all this went down, I was still just a naive kid, 23 years old. Half a lifetime ago...
CaptCarl

denb45 · « **Reply #43 on:** March 26, 2011, 10:31:56 am »

Quote from: CaptCarl on March 26, 2011, 10:24:38 am

TESTIFY BROTHER!!!

The best part for me was that after I proccesed everything, the predominant thing I felt was....stupid.
Stupid for having been so easily led. For having owned all of the responsibility for the situation. But that passed quickly enough. I realized that when all this went down, I was still just a naive kid, 23 years old. Half a lifetime ago...
CaptCarl

I can relate

I'm a lot like you in a lotta ways, I'm just 10 yrs. older, but you probably already knew this

BT65 · « **Reply #44 on:** March 26, 2011, 06:39:59 pm »

I only have myself to blame, and never pointed a finger at anyone else. By the time I got diagnosed with HIV, I had had enough STD's to last a lifetime. Sooner or later, when you pull the trigger, a bullet's gonna come out.

TakingAChance · « **Reply #45 on:** March 27, 2011, 07:27:12 am »

Quote from: CaptCarl on March 25, 2011, 07:12:08 pm

Ultimately, it doesn't matter the circumstances under which you were infected. What matters is that you are infected, everything else is just semantics really.

I have been infected for 23 years this summer, and I have spent twenty two and a half of them with the knowledge that I was infected during the period when my partner at the time and I broke up. That after we got back together, I infected him before knowing that I was positive myself. That he never once let me forget that I was going to be responsible for his death, and that he used this as a weapon against me at every opportunity. That he died in '95, and it was my fault. That I had spent a lot of time agonizing over that fact.

Until last November. That was when I learned from his sister, that he actually infected me, and he knew it at the time. I have come to realize also, that due to the extreme control freak personality he had, that not only did he know he infected me, he did it intentionally. It was his way of trying to control me, by making me think it was me who did this, and that the guilt would keep me submissive. And it did. For a while anyway.

You would think that finding this out would be the Ultimate Mind Fuck. And you would be wrong... After all of this came to light, I felt absolutely nothing. I even tried to get pissed off, upset, hurt, you name it. But ultimately I felt nothing because I realized that it didn't fucking matter one bit. This information didn't change my health status in any way shape or form. It meant, and means, nothing to me. Even then, I still acknowledge that I still have some responsibility for my situation. After all, I could have insisted that we be tested before getting back together, but I didn't. End of story.

CaptCarl

Thank You for sharing your story. It was courageous and inspiring. I hear you man. Why hold on to resentments, anger, rage and all those negative emotions that you dealt with while surviving this disease so far. I just found out who infected me because of my pheno type test. He lied about his status even though I asked him several times. He said he was taking steriods to body build not because he had any HIV complications. I knew when I first met him that I suspected he was lying. I know this person so I thought why would someone lie about HIV if they knew they had it and then ask someone to have condomless sex with them? Naive huh? Yes. low self esteem and low self worth helped him convince me that he was fine. Oh well. It helped me to know this because now I can let it go and move on to more important things. Like taking care of myself, not lying to people and being responsible for my actions. I sometimes hate to admit it, but being HIV+ has helped me to start becoming a better person to myself and others.

CaptCarl · « **Reply #46 on:** March 27, 2011, 08:43:39 am »

Quote from: TakingAChance on March 27, 2011, 07:27:12 am

low self esteem and low self worth helped him convince me that he was fine.

I have noticed that the low self-esteem/confidence issue seems to be a frequent theme in those of us who got infected. I was in pretty much the same category then. My partner who infected me was also emotionally abusive, physically too sometimes.

Quote from: TakingAChance on March 27, 2011, 07:27:12 am

I sometimes hate to admit it, but being HIV+ has helped me to start becoming a better person to myself and others.

Ah yes, this too seems pretty common as well. I find myself with the same feeling. I frequently wonder about why it is that it took something of this magnitude to learn how to have confidence in ourselves. Kinda extreme, no?

CaptCarl

TakingAChance · « **Reply #47 on:** March 28, 2011, 01:25:28 am »

Unfortunately, Capt. That seems to be how my life rolls. It takes extremes to get me to change for the better. Like when I quit drinking. I had to end up with a year in jail to learn that I couldn't drink any more.

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Author Topic: Ugh.....angry again (Read 16383 times)