My Boyfriend is Poz and I have questions.

[Tking19]

So I have a question. My boyfriend is poz and I am neg. He told me eight months before we started dating that he was poz. At first I disappeared. I was scared. I was ignorant and didn't understand. After months of reading and spiritual/mental growth I decided I was going to give it a shot. I decided that I would not let HIV status stop me from finding love. I mean, you never know; right? Well we started dating a couple of months ago. It's been wonderful. I seriously think this guy is my soul mate. It's like he was made for me and I was made for him. When you are hit with love, it's intense. I am a 23 year old gay man and have NEVER felt this way. I am here to support him and to learn more about HIV. My question is: how many serodiscordant relationships are out there? Is this common? Should I worry as much as I do about his health? I feel like sometimes I turn into my (god forbid) mother. Let me know what you think.

[averagejoe1977]

I know of quite a few people in serodiscordant relationships. I think it's sweet that you worry about him, but try not to worry TOO much!

Glad you've both found each other.

[mecch]

My question is: how many serodiscordant relationships are out there? Is this common? Should I worry as much as I do about his health? I feel like sometimes I turn into my (god forbid) mother. Let me know what you think.

Welcome to this forum. Serodiscordant relationships are quite common, yes.
You did a wonderful thing educating yourself and then pushing yourself to take the risk of love.
It seems your education about HIV was good enough to see that you personally can easily manage the "risk of HIV" by just having safe sex.  So the real risk for you was just to take the leap into loving another person.

Its a pity more people can't get the message that HIV is not a threat if everyone who needs to know, knows, and acts accordingly.

Why exactly are you worried about his health?  You didn't explain anything about his health, other than he is HIV+.    

So you worry in general about that, about HIV and the future, etc.  Or is he having some challenges now??  

Big difference, in my opinion.   If you have a general anxiety about the future so you are doing "mom like" nagging worry in the present, its probably not the best idea.  Worrying and caregiving is not necessarily the most tasty ingredient in constructing a newish relationship.  On the other hand, if your boyfriend is seriously challenged by HIV now, and you are worrying a lot now, I kinda wonder what are the other things in the relationship that made you fall in love?   Just want to check to see what situation exactly you two are in before commenting about the "too much worry" concern.

[Sebastian1969]

My boyfriend is poz and I am negative. 
Worry can consume your life if you let it--don't let it.  Worry when there is something to worry just like you would in any other relationship.  As long as my bf is taking care of himself, I don't worry.  People get colds, flu, and everything else and has nothing to do with HIV, I just keep a closer eye on him to make sure he is ok because I know his immune system isn't functioning 100%. 
Just like any any other relationship, be there for eachother.

[Inchlingblue]

I have a good friend who has had HIV since 1985, he's doing great overall and has been in a relationship for the past 10 years with a guy who is negative. They always use condoms with anal and the neg partner has remained neg.

Recent studies are confirming that if the poz partner is on meds and undetectable this makes the chances of transmission very low. I'd still use condoms anyway but I believe those studies looked at transmission rates without condoms among heterosexual couples.

LINK:

Antiretroviral therapy tied to decreased HIV transmission risk

http://sify.com/news/antiretroviral-therapy-tied-to-decreased-hiv-transmission-risk-news-health-kf1lElaieie.html


The couple I mentioned above had one scare in the 10 years. There was some blood involved, I forget exactly what happened. To be on the safe side the neg guy took PEP (post exposure prophylaxis) and he was fine.

If anything ever happens that is cause for concern, such as a condom break with ejaculation and you on bottom, you can go on PEP within 48 to 72 hours, but the sooner the better. If it takes a while to get to the doctor and get the Rx you can start by taking whatever HIV meds he's on. I'm not a doctor but that's what my friends did and that's what I would do so it's just a suggestion in case you find yourself in that situation. PEP should be taken for about a month.

There are many serodiscordant couples. If you approach it sanely and intelligently you'll be fine.

Is your boyfriend on medications for HIV with an undetectable viral load?

[Ann]

There has been at least one case of transmission during unprotected anal intercourse in a monogamous couple where the poz partner was on meds and undetectable.

[Inchlingblue]

There has been at least one case of transmission during unprotected anal intercourse in a monogamous couple where the poz partner was on meds and undetectable.

Yes, it can happen which is why I'd still use condoms for anal (and for oral that involves semen) if I were the neg partner in a serodiscordant relationship.

It's just good to know that when a partner is undetectable the chances of transmission are way lower but that doesn't mean condoms should be dispensed with.

One of the poz.com bloggers, Shawn Decker has been poz since he was a kid and his wife is HIV-negative. They do lecture tours stressing condom usage.

LINK:

http://blogs.poz.com/shawn/

[Tking19]

To answer the worry comment, my boyfriend is not just HIV poz (cd4 703 and VL undetectable) but he also has Hep C (VL 6,000,000). He contracted the Hep C in the military. The main reason I worry, is because I feel like I need to know more. I worry because he is having an issue with some side effects with the interferon's. I don't nag or anything. I am not that kind of person. Also, he knows when I grip at him, it is because he has a level of apathy that makes me worried. I think we are a good balance. I honestly just love him, a lot. I plan on continuing to educate myself and not not be dumb. I dig him and he digs me and that's all I am concerned about. I honestly love this site to because I have learned a lot of medical and personal facts. Thanks for helping me on my journey. 

[megasept]

Tking19:

Hey! As you describe it, your BF's HIV is well under control. That means he may also have a greater chance for success with his HCV treatment. Interferon is (still) included in every current successful treatment used worldwide. Adjusting with him (compensating, understanding, education) to his HCV treatment side effects might be a big help to him. You already seem to show that kind of attitude. As for "mothering" or "nursing" I don't know whether this would be attractive to him ("he cares!) or a turn-off ("smothering"). No two people have exactly the same dynamic. The plus side of HCV treatment is the virus may be cured (SVR),. Better to "only" have HIV.

I was in a long term serodiscordant relationship. My "ex" remains negative. Medical adversity, like other struggles, may have a silver lining. From my own point of view (30 years older than you), untested "love" really has no meaning or attraction for me anymore---life is full of struggles---not just medical challenges. Wishing you two success and happiness!

-Steven (aka    megasept)

[mecch]

A couple members here have been through HepC  treatment and its no picnic. I expect they will pipe in here soon.
He's lucky to have your support and love through the trying time.