POZ Community Forums
Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits => Mental Health & HIV => Topic started by: atlkewlguy on September 10, 2007, 02:23:32 pm
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I've been dating this guy for almost 6 months now and we get along good, we don't even argue.
I found emails in his computer before responding to people's sex ads in craigslist. At first I didn't say anything because the first time was at the beginning of our relationship, then in July I found some other emails by pure accident. I confronted him and he said he was sorry that he didn't know what he was doing, he loves me, etc.
We are always together and even after work he comes home to me but I have my trust issues and I hate 'em. I want to be able to trust him but I can't.
I am always thinking he's talking to other guys behind my back when he's at work, perhaps checking ads out, etc.
I feel at times I have no peace of mind because I am driving myself nuts with this insecurity he left in me since then.
I really care and love him and I want us to remain together but I don't know what to do, really. I don't want to lose him though.
We barely have intimate moments which makes it more stressful on me.
He's been Positive for years in comparison to me that I am still new to the whole thing still.
I need some help.. :o
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OK, I'm going to say something you may not like hearing, but I'll say it anyway.
You have no business going into his computer. There's a crossing of boundaries there that in my experience is not a good idea. I can't tell what his story is about this sex stuff, although I will say it's entirely possible it's all strictly on line and not any actual live stuff.
Without dumping on him I suggest you consider talking about how you feel. How you feel not as in "you're cheating and doing bad stuff and upsetting me," but rather from the point of view, I have these feelings and I don't know what to do with them. And I need your help. Ask him for help without accusing him of anything.
Now it is also not clear to me if you are saying you're not having sex or not having much of it when you refer to intimacy. You can clarify that if you want to.
Whether that is true or not I suggest that you guys would benefit from talking more together and trusting that your relationship is strong enough to withstand some truth talking from both of you. Generally I recommend that such conversations happen during the day as opposed to late evening when it can ruin settling down for a night's sleep. Daytime gives you time to digest the conversation.
The degree to which you can tolerate dissonance in your relationship will directly correlate with intimacy in every way. And the more intimate the relationship the more you get the whole deal, some of which you will inevitably not like.
But if you have something worthwhile together, and it sounds like you do, then it's worth trusting you can survive being truthful with each other.
Keep us posted.
Cheers,
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Hi. Welcome. Relationships are hard and both having the same illness for completely different periods of time might be difficult. Lots of men, if not most, experience lower sex drive like fewer/shorter duration erections, fewer orgasms, slower recovery (next erection) in their forties or especially a bit beyond. Men love to lie about their sexual prioress, so don't just go by what you hear middle-aged men saying (I might trust the gossip from their partner first). Your man may need more testosterone (He can apply Androgel). This info should be in his blood work and should be discussed with his specialist (hormones should not be taken like candy).
His comfort (not shame or inadequacy) with your higher libido would go a long way towards restoring some sexual happiness at home. And I got to agree with Andy that's a two-way street. Love the whole shebang, not just the "good qualities". My last man annoyed me in ways I have no right to speak about in public. We are no longer together for unrelated reasons. Guess what? I miss all his "annoying" habits simply because they remind me of his presence (forever lost). If things are going the wrong way, it's often not to late to get close again. Ignoring it (you're not) makes a problem fester.
As for trust, you guys need to communicate better or more. To me it's more important why he wants a hookup from CL than whether he ever follows thru. I didn't cheat on my last four men, becuase I decided I didn't like the guy I became when I cheated. So, I do understand. And I have met and played via CL as recently as last week. Honesty without punishment creates an atmosphere where NOT cheating (lying, hiding) can be the natural and happy norm. Provided you both care about one another, things might be salvageable. If one isn't motivated, then prepare for a split knowing you're really trying before giving up (I don't advocate sad sexless relationships; I prefer being single). I do understand that dispensing advice is hell of a lot easier than living the life with the challenges you describe. GOOD LUCK!
8) -megasept
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Atle,
I understand your email. Relationships are very difficult. Everyone isn't the same either. ALthough I had a relationship for 8 years it was before the internet was so popular. In this day in age when someone can sign online and talk to twenty diffierent guys in seconds it can make relationships difficult. WIth that said you have had a relationship with this guy for 6 months already and you say you love him. You also say you are always together and he 'always comes home to you'. So this is all a great start. When I was in a long term relationship before I went to see a therapist and his response was to get out of my lovers head/thoughts and into my own. I even had the conversation with my ex about losing him and he would always tell me that if he wanted to go he would but that he was happy with me. I spent many times worrying over nothing. In fact a lot of times I drove him crazy. I know it is difficult when you meet someone and really fall for them you want to keep them. Unfortunately with our actions sometimes we do things that makes the other partner run (I have done this in the past).
You should realize with all the guys out here your guy is coming home to "you". So obviously there is something about "you" that he loves even with Craigs list being out there. What is it about you that is different? What makes you unique? Focus on those things he loves about you and that you love about yourself. I am assuming that your concern about the "craigs" list is a concern because you think you might lose him to someone else. Why not calmly talk to him about your concerns. Not in a way that you are pointing fingers. I think if you focus on what is going well with both of you and appreciate this your relationship will grow. OF course if he starts not coming home / coming in very late etc etc then that is another story in my opinion.
It just seems like you have found something that makes you happy for the most part. I have always found in the past that talking things out with my partner calmly usually helped the most.
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Thank you so much for taking the time to reply back to my posting and for the nice advices you gave me. I really appreciated them.
I know relationships are hard, they are like FULL TIME jobs and we have to work on them daily for more than 8 hours a day.
I care a lot about this guy and I don't want to lose him, that I know for sure.
I'm willing to do anything that I can to work on it and I've told him. It's just
that at times it gets harder for me to deal with the whole thing but I am
working on it.
Once again, thanks so much ;)
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Atl, just remember you don't have to work on it alone. Talk to your fella. And draw on the support of others.
It's not your job to "fix things" by yourself or on yourself.
Just sayin'...
Cheers,