Crappy morning.

[Mouse]

I had a nightmare last night.

When I woke up, I felt like all of my muscles ached and I was very sore, but for some reason comfortable and awake. I heard the alarm go off but didn't get up. I don't know why. I didn't feel like sleeping anymore. I didn't mind going to school even. But I didn't get up.

After some time my mom forced me awake, I got up, momentarily, and my mom remarked that I didn't even have time to get ready to go to school now because I was going to miss the bus and she refused to take me to school. I asked her what she wanted me to do, then, and she screamed that she didn't even care anymore if I went and she didn't care if I just dropped out.

"You're not going to do anything with your life anyway. You're a flunkie. You're not going to college."

She repeated that she didn't care. Over and over and over and over.

"I don't even care anymore."

"About what?"

"ANYTHING. I don't care what you do with your life."

Whatever. She's normally cranky in the morning. I didn't really care that much what she was saying.

"You're not even Jaser anymore. You're EVERYBODY BUT Jaser ever since you started hanging out with those PEOPLE. You've been BRAINWASHED. It's like a CULT."
"No, mom, I'm just TIRED of being fucking harrassed every time I go to school. Getting called a cock sucker every twenty minutes or so gets old after a while."
She yelled at me for saying fuck, and then said:
"What about A**** [my boyfriend]? Does SHE go to school?"

I fucking. EXPLODED.

"YES. HE GOES TO SCHOOL EVERY. SINGLE. DAY."

I could've fucking killed her.

Just four more days and I don't have to worry about this anymore. Looking forward to being home schooled. I'm home. Someone please IM me or something?

[allopathicholistic]

I asked her what she wanted me to do, then, and she screamed that she didn't even care anymore if I went and she didn't care if I just dropped out.

"You're not going to do anything with your life anyway. You're a flunkie. You're not going to college."

Just because she says so doesn't mean it's true. In fact, it's not true, and you already know that -just a reminder

And just because she says she doesn't care doesn't mean she doesn't care. Most mothers care!

[Mouse]

I know she cares - that's the thing. She had even been really cool lately. I just don't understand why she feels like she has to talk to me the way she does. Or what kind of reaction she expects to get out of me.

And then she says things (like the thing with my boyfriend) on purpose because she knows it'll make me CRAZY. And it's almost like she wants me to scream at her so that she looks like the victim of this out of control, yelling child or something.

[Salteen]

Trust me you can still go to college.  I have had the disease my whole life and I just graduated in May, might be hard but you can do just about anything you put your mind to. 

[ndrew]

Hi Jaser,

I have had days like that where I don't want to get out of bed.  Some of it is just exhaustion, being spread to thin.  Sometimes you should take a sick day, but be clear what this is about.  You and your Mom sure know how to push each other's buttons...  underneath all of that there are a lot of real issues, fears, desires, motives, etc.  Who is going to manage your home schooling?  Who is going to motivate you?  Do you have the discipline?  School really sucks.  It is like prison baby sitting camp for idiots, filled with lackluster teachers, and a mosh-pit of hormones mixed with peer insensitivity and abuse, but it is a few years and then you are FREE.  How can authorities help you deal with crap at school?

Drew

[Mouse]

I absolutely plan on going to college and stuff now that I feel like I have some real direction and like I'm actually semi in charge of what I'll be learning. It's exciting to feel like I have control.

And me and my mom have bitched at each other since the beginning of time. She knows what gets to me and I know what gets to her, but I say this at the risk of sounding like 3 years old, she starts it. It just seems like she's fed up with me lately and she likes to say things that get under my skin, so I get defensive and yell back. She is used to the gay thing but it seems like she still says snotty things about it every once in a while to bother me. Like calling my boyfriend a she and commenting on how she THOUGHT I WAS GAY - because she doesn't consider my boyfriend a real boy because he's FtM. And I'm crazy passionately protective over him and I'll go nuts on her when she calls him a her.

She thinks that, since I've been going to this queer youth group, that I've changed. I hang out with mostly only other gays or bi kids or lesbians and trannys, and she thinks they're like brainwashing me or something or making me change. I'm just a lot more open than I used to be and I think it's scaring her. But I told her that I'm going to act however I want to act and I don't think she should care because I never hurt anybody and I don't plan on doing anything to hurt anyone so she can either accept me or not and it's pretty much up to her about her involvement in my life. And that kind of shut her up. She also thinks my boyfriend and these couple of gay kids I hang out with are a bad influence on me and shit. But they're not at all. If anything they've just made me happier and more comfortable with myself.

[ACinKC]

Replace all the bi, gay tranny references and insert rebel, nerds, jocks or whatever EITHER way it is a pretty straight forward parent-teenager conversation Jaser.

She loves you.  In a few years you both will be sitting back laughing about these times, just keep that in mind.  It gets better.

[bear60]

Sorry to hear about your "crappy morning". Hopefully it will fade into the background and become just another crappy morning.  I'm sure your mother was just angry and people say things they dont mean when they are angry.

[poet]

Hey Jaser.  Sorry about your morning.   I suspect that it's another part of the holidays, your mother under the usual pressure everyone suffers from that they be a certain way, that family's be a certain way, etc. and when they clearly aren't that way... add in the gay aspect which she is dealing with and may be under pressure from her own friends/family and, since it sounds like it's the two of you, when seeking an outlet, one need only look across the room at the only person there: she and you.  Clearly you know what you are about and where you are going and that will, one way or another, get you there. Win

[Eldon]

Hey Jaser...

You KNOW who you are and you KNOW where you are headed in this life. You mother is dealing with a number of unknown hidden fears and issues right now. She has made the decision to throw her hands up in the air as a reaction to all of this. Alex is right, she still cares. However, you are still an individual. You are not alone in this battle with the mothers.

Focus on the things that you need to focus on and get a move on with your life.

"Don't Give Up, Don't Give In... Cause it is ALL within you to WIN!"