Just a vent...

[Blessed1974]

I was looking through my old posts and see that I haven't been on here in 2 years, smh.  It just seems like time has flown by and I didn't notice or I tried not to notice it.  I use to come on here b/c even though I didn't have any friends to discuss how I was feeling or my status with at least I had the ladies here as women I could confide in. 

Since my last check in I had another baby.  So that makes a total of 5 since being positive.  All my children are healthy which is great but as I approach my 22 year of living with my status I'm feeling kind of down.  It is wonderful that I am here and that I have been blessed with a gang of children but I feel like I've wasted my time otherwise.  I've been with a man who acts like my status doesn't exist and who is more a roommate than anything else.  I just feel like we're together for the kids at this point but pretty soon they're going to be gone and then what, idk

Anywho, this post doesn't really make any sense I just needed to get it out of my head.  I hope all is well w/everyone and anyone that is still here from before 

[Snowangel]

Hey Blessed,
Congratulations on your new baby!

Your post made total sense to me, sometimes it is better to let it out on the table so you can acknowledge that you do have those feelings. 

Hope you have a good weekend!

Snow

[BT65]

Hey Blessed,

I was here before, but can't really remember what your story was (sorry).  Anyway, congrats on the newest addition!  I totally understand you feeling you're staying together with the man because of the kids.  I think there are many relationships based on convenience.

Now, you say he acts like your status doesn't exist.  Is it because you're so healthy there's really no sign of anything physically going wrong?  Because where I work my co-workers act like I'm not positive, and I have been for a long time.  Sometimes I want to shout to them "Hey!  I'm positive also," (I work at an ASO). 

And then I am grateful that I'm not ill.  I just found out today that one of my clients passed away a couple weeks ago.  Last time I saw her I could see the bones in her face, they were very pronounced.  And she had told me she was quitting her meds.  So, that made me sad. 

Anyway, welcome back and I hope you visit us more often!

Betty

[Blessed1974]

Hey Snow and Betty

Its always good to know that I'm not as crazy as I feel, lol.  Thanks on the congrats.  My new lil guy will be a year and a half next month.

No Betty when I say he acts like my status doesn't exist its not because I'm healthy its because he's nuts.  My oldest moved out to go to college and I told her because I hadn't told any of my then 5 children my status.  He went nuts!!!  He said I didn't have any right to tell her because of how it would make him look.  If I have to pick up medications he insists he stay in the car.  I guess as I approach another year of being healthy I kind of feel like I want to be happy too...

[BT65]

Blessed, you've been with this guy for 22 years, and he's worried about how you're being positive will make "him look?"  Wow.  Even if you haven't been with him that long, he needs to get a clue.  It's not about him. 

My daughter has known about me almost since testing positive.  I told her once she was old enough to understand.  So, the fact that you've told one of your children, I think, is a good idea. 

I honestly would re-assess the relationship with this man.  If he can't be even as supportive as going in with you to pick up your meds, he's obviously just worried about himself, with no concern for you or your feelings.  Sorry if I'm ranting, but I'm sick of men who think they're better and more worthy than their partners. 

You do need to be happy.  That may mean making the decision to end the relationship; or it may not.  But, think of yourself first and don't worry about this man (he's obviously not worried about you).  Keep strong!  You're obviously very strong if you can raise 5 children.  Just know that you deserve all the happiness life can offer.  Whatever you decide, please be true to yourself.

Betty

[Blessed1974]

Thanks Betty

I'm trying yo be true to myself or at least taking steps to work on me.  I've recently started school as a Pharmacy Tech and should be done in February.  We've been together for 12 years.  I'm just trying yo make sure I'll be able yo take care of the 4 children I have left at home before making any drastic changes...

[BT65]

Blessed, are you hooked up with an ASO?  Because the case workers there should be able to get you in touch with community assistance programs to help you with your kids.  There are many different ones and of course probably vary from community to community.  But I would definitely check it out. 

[Blessed1974]

Betty, there are no ASO's in my area.  We live in the middle of nowhere b/c he works for government making ammunition and it requires isolation.  We talked last night and mutually decided to stick with it until I finish school.  His biggest concern was child support and not being able to keep our sons.  What could I say to that?  Anyway, after all this time 5 months is a drop in the bucket and at least that will be during the kids spring break at school so it won't be that much of an upset in their school schedules.

[BT65]

Is there an ASO that you can drive to?  Even if it's like an hour drive, they can really hook you up with resources in your community.  I understand needing to stay together while you're in school, but if you do decide to end the relationship, I would go to the nearest town to find the ASO, or public assistance office.