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Author Topic: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?  (Read 7892 times)

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Offline em

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ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« on: April 29, 2017, 02:29:56 am »
am I infected questions after the fact

Has anyone living with HIV ever sat and thought o my god how did I get this and o my god. Who might I Have infected. I know I have.

Casual hook ups and one night stands ? even if we do not  want to think about it they do and did happen.

the popularity of am i infected. Just get tested every chance you can and know one way or the other it is not the problem it was. now not knowing is the problem  now. So you get tested if you have it get the pills and keep on living and you stop spreading it.

if you do not know you might be spreading it. stopping the spread should be top priority now that it is a possibility. Everyone knows it but do they do it?

sorry just thought that might be worth saying and thinking about

thank you for a place to share my thoughts



Offline Jim Allen

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2017, 02:48:01 am »
 :)

Personally I know who infected me. I did, sex comes with risks, I wanted sex, i accepted the risk.  But I like the thought you posted, on Test, treat, prevent.

Jim
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Offline newbie2016

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2017, 07:25:25 am »
Yes definetly and I have thought about this, I know who infected me, dealing with there denial while accepting it is there choice, listening to friends have you ever thought the same? are they aware or more cautious knowing

 

Offline J.R.E.

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2017, 10:18:08 am »


I knew the person, that I received HIV from in July of 1985.  I was also pallbearer, in his funeral, at the request of his mother, when he passed on in June of 1986.

Ray
Current Meds ; Viramune / Epzicom Eliquis, Diltiazem. Pravastatin 80mg, Ezetimibe. UPDATED 2/18/24
 Tested positive in 1985,.. In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started on  HAART on October 24th, 2003.

 As of Oct 2nd, 2023, Viral load Undetectable.
CD 4 @676 /  CD4 % @ 18 %
Lymphocytes,absolute-3815 (within range)


72 YEARS YOUNG

Offline leatherman

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2017, 11:31:15 am »
stopping the spread should be top priority now that it is a possibility. Everyone knows it but do they do it?
your assumption that "everyone knows it" is way off base. Most high schools don't teach medically accurate comprehensive sexual health education, so all those 20 year olds getting infected don't know. Television and other media rarely, if ever, discuss HIV information so all those 30 year olds getting infected don't know. Certainly no one tells the 40 or 50 year old recently-divorced sexually-active people about HIV, nor does any one tell the 60 or 70 year old recently-widowed people or those who have entered retirement or assisted living establishments about HIV.

In America, HIV is an issue that affects less than 1% of the population so it gets little, or no, attention by the vast majority of citizens and the media. With limited resources, prevention group target interventions (the methods by which "everyone would know it") towards those most at risk. So for "everyone to know it", everyone would have to be in a targeted group (mainly trans or people or color who are straight women or  MSM under 30) and live in the right place (an urban area with high HIV rates and services available in that area engaged in prevention interventions, or near a college/university with HIV outreach)

while HIV yearly infection rates have dropped somewhat from the 50k average that's been happening for over a decade, most people still don't know anything about STD/HIV prevention or HIV. Just knowing that 1.6 million babies are born out of wedlock a year (2015, https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/unmarried-childbearing.htm) shows that many people do not understand the mechanics of safer sex.
leatherman (aka Michael)

We were standing all alone
You were leaning in to speak to me
Acting like a mover shaker
Dancing to Madonna then you kissed me
And I think about it all the time
- Darren Hayes, "Chained to You"

Offline bocker3

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2017, 06:09:29 pm »
Just knowing that 1.6 million babies are born out of wedlock a year (2015, https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/unmarried-childbearing.htm) shows that many people do not understand the mechanics of safer sex.

First -- I agree with your main point.  Sex education is woefully inadequate in the US and HIV education is even worse than that.

I picked this quote because it, like the linked CDC information, leaves the impression that 1.6 million babies born to unmarried women in 2015 were all unintended.  The notion that one must be married before having children is antiquated and not realistic today.  Many people choose to start a family without being married.   

While I am sure it wasn't your intention - that comment stigmatizes anyone who chooses to have a family without being married.  It is time the CDC stops collecting and reporting on "out of wedlock" births and instead move to "unintended".  Of course, that would be more difficult and would make the government actually acknowledge that choosing to NOT be married when having a child is not, necessarily, a "bad" thing.
We can do our part by not using this outdated POV when trying to make a point.  Remember -- even married couples have children they didn't "plan" on having.

Mike

Offline em

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2017, 10:51:41 pm »
Maybe to be more clear I should have  said wonder as in guess what might have happened? A case of what could of should of might have been. A pain filled daydream nightmare. Well at this point it is already done just like am i infected the damage may already be done. (so get tested to know for sure) This is Just an observation.  So many variables to safely say conclusively what might have been the one instance that defined the condition? 
It can be painful emotional charged place to dwell.  sometimes my mind still goes their.

I went to HIV support groups from the late eighties to the mid nineties or so about a  little less then a decade. Before that some seemed to think you are going to die sometime live it up while you can ?? I guess Some people had thought when and how it happened they had there minds made up. Most thought it was there last encounter that was the defining moment. Not the first cause that would imply they had left a trail of guilt filled infections in there wake.

so this is just something I felt about HIV from many years ago. why I stopped going to support groups for HIV that and the one I went to everyone stopped going while so many had passed away.

 sorry side tracked memory about fear and shame and HIV. thinking about support group people reminded me about this time at the grocery store.  this guy came up to me and he was in a motorized wheel chair. He started talking to me and I could not help but feel over whelming fear. He looked like every breath might be his last. I had met him a few years earlier at a support group. He just wanted to reach out and talk. But in my mind I was looking at my own near future. It scared  me to know end seeing him so far gone and still trying, made me proud to know him, but the condition he was in and the thought the same might happen to me soon. That left me frightened filled with emotions of doom and gloom. I had seen others in this same condition but that day I was thinking of myself and my own future and what was going to happen next. Up it rolled my future wanting to talk to me in a wheel chair . Sorry to say I left the grocery store filled with fear and felt so ashamed about it. ( not my finest moment) (just a fear I hope no one else has to live through) shameful things do happen even to the worst of us.

that was one instance and there are many others . Like the guy who said he had gotten the virus from his last lover who had told him he had just tested positive and to get himself tested. he had said they were together for about a month a short while ago or so. the guy who said he had gotten infected by him his tcells were less then a hundred. I had thought both of them had the virus before they met and the guy putting the blame on the other was in my thought infected longer with a tcell count so low must have been infected for years. He was just saving himself by blaming the last guy? If that makes any sense? If he was infected by the last guy he can live the rest of his life guilt free thinking he did not pass it on. He saved himself by being the victim not the other way around. Just and observation like  Rock Hudson during in interview before his death said he thought he had gotten it from a guy he met 6 months earlier and thought that was it. My thought to protect themselves from guilt and shame of who he may have spread the virus too was over whelming for both people . i think many people came to the same conclusion about there status to save them from  the emotional torment thinking about spreading the virus would cause . self preservation recalling only what you need to feel at peace with your life. Truth may sometimes have nothing to do with what we chose to believe of our selves and others in our lives.

sorry sometimes I think to much i hope this makes some sense and sorry if it does not . maybe this should be another thread called ( fear, shame and the virus)

this is just a what might have happened recollection or a reflection on some past events what might have been felt during them .

Just an observation this is the internet and it does not have to be true just something I thought worth sharing some pain filled memories     

 

Offline em

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #7 on: April 30, 2017, 11:29:54 pm »
sorry I should have said everyone should know
everyone that does know should tell those who do not

unwed mothers o my god people still have SEX??

sorry

Offline em

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #8 on: May 01, 2017, 03:05:23 am »
would you want to know

in the beginning of the outbreak no one knew anything doctors could not do anything until the illness had already done its damage all they could do was notice the effects of prolonged damage nothing else it was unknown

they then found out how to recognize the virus

the dilemma of right to privacy.  life, liberty of the infected. Typhoid Mary being locked up.  if it was right or wrong?

The decision of patient right to privacy over disclosing infection to others to prevent infection. stopping people from living their lives. We have hindsight now. they did not have that luxury

the military rounding up and isolating and discharging the same thing could have spread to the civilian world if the powers that be had deemed it in the best interest of society health and well-being it might have happened. test everyone
 then quarantine AIDS camps what kind of stuff could they have done ? . how many would not have been infected if they had gone down that road. How many lives would not have been lived people running underground to hide from the health department.

I had heard this story about a brothel that tested its girls and found out two had the virus they were summarily taken out back and shot. that was a Ricky rumor scuttlebutt just the word goin around type story.

did the powers that be  just hunker down to ride it out? well not so much they found drugs to keep those infected alive and tried to minimize the spread I guess it just took time.

Just another question without a easy answer. I do not know I do not have all the answers.

knowing then meant in the eighties meant you had to be responsible and safe in our world of uncertainties that is not easy for anyone HIV + or not. Most of those affected and infected were young able body in the prime of life. not letting them live was a big dilemma. like the military taking the best,brightest,bravest, strongest and throwing them to the carnage that is the battles of war. Not something anyone wants to do. ( except a few who see through some sort of unfocused blinded vision of glory in death, carnage ,destruction some how being beneficial and glorious as it might seem to some. IT maybe not something most people see as an opportunity or  of a life goal on their bucket list )

I could write about military could write about struggles of life I could write about sea journeys. I just wish I did not have the experience or the  opportunity to write about HIV and AIDS. But a friend once said you have to play the hand you are dealt. SO hear I am an old man writing about a tragedy not yet over but still forgotten and not known by like I had said earlier in this post everyone should know about this but that is not the case is it? if people are still getting infected

sorry I have spent very close to twenty years in a self imposed isolation separate from the world.  A sabbatical trying to find meaning and purpose while trying not to die. So go ahead make fun of my spelling, grammar and lack of polish in my style of writing. This stuff is written late at night and I have little use for well written words in my life right now.  just spending a long time through thinking  enlightening even the most mundane thoughts in my life to me are something , maybe not to internet savvy hipsters looking for instant gratification and superiority .   I have a story to tell just no place to tell it. Here seems to be a place it might fit . It is my story people I have met  and it is in a way mostly about  HIV

Me at twenty I wanted to live a life of adventure travel and romance. did not want to sit at home doin nothing.

what kind of closed minded person was I not > at boot camp the drill instructor said at the end of training

this recruit runs into the drill instructors office and says I am gay and I want out of the military. drill instructor say O if that is the case he acts out by going  for his fly and says go to work on this. He then says recruit runs out of the office.

everyone in company smiles

stupid me while in company ranks says out loud with out thinking of the consequence. what no diner or dancing just right to it. so much for romance.
( sorry was that a gay response or just a funny one )
I look around and every recruit in my company eyes are bugging in a stare at me with there mouths hanging open. I just said what did I say something wrong?

My drill instructor laughed and went back into his office 

 I thank the people here for  this place and for being here. to give me a voice in the dark. again thank you

Offline harleymc

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #9 on: May 01, 2017, 04:08:42 am »
Well nobody 'infected me' i got infected by a virus through consensual sex.

Offline em

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #10 on: May 01, 2017, 07:52:29 am »
sorry just thought this morning there was more to the boot camp thing.

I had said no diner or dancing or even small talk so much for romance it must be  dead I guess. just right to it .   or it was something like that. that was around 35 years ago.

no one "infected me" consensual sex

( this one is goin to make some people angry)

an immaculate infection

 part of god's will ya I heard tell of this a long time ago. this truth I know there is a god and he has a plan. this I also know I am not god I do not understand this plan.

than again maybe god thought we would go insane in the garden of Eden. so to Eve Adam says like he could talk to anyone else, He says what happening today she says nothing what happening tomorrow she says  nothing. what happened yesterday nothing what happened last week nothing. Ya I think as nice as it might have sounded Garden of Eden might have been a tad boring. So god gave us this place.

sorry for the religious stuff

back to the original thread idea. still a high price to pay for sex even consensual . even though those born with it and those who got it through blood transfusions in the hospital. Its out there  and we are stuck in it. At least that is my opinion feeling on the subject stuck in the quagmire of HIV AIDS long term tormentor and around ill will provider. ( just not a very good time all around )


again sorry to go on and reply so much must be my idle life.

hope the response was not to long

this might be along the same lines this is about denial of the virus I see your reality and reject it and substitute my own. to say coming to terms with an HIV diagnosis is very hard at any age and shocking news for anyone. AN unwelcome guest  at any time in their lives.
« Last Edit: May 01, 2017, 07:59:36 am by em »

Offline Mightysure

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #11 on: May 01, 2017, 09:36:29 am »
I know who I got it from. He was more upset with himself than I was at him. I haven't infected anyone that I'm aware of. The only person who is risked infecting before I found out is ok.
This is probably a newbie thing. I'm 2.5 years into it and its not something I think about too often.

Offline Wade

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #12 on: May 01, 2017, 09:48:50 am »
I was infected in the 80s by a very nasty virus, no one to blame or hold accountable...
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Offline CaveyUK

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #13 on: May 01, 2017, 03:06:30 pm »
I infected myself by behaving like an idiot, when I fully knew the risks
HIV - Basics
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Offline Almost2late

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #14 on: May 01, 2017, 05:40:35 pm »
I don't really dwell on how I got it anymore.. just got tired of blaming myself for being stupid.. shit happens, and it could have been worst.. I may not be as fortunate as some but I'm more fortunate than many thanks to science.

Offline paintedroom

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #15 on: May 01, 2017, 06:10:41 pm »
For younger people it may be understandably different.

I`m 51 and have drunk deeply from the cup of life..shit happens.I`ve gone fishin` - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdxYS_zVByg
Dx`d mid July 2016
8/8/2016 - CD4 50     VL 50,000
5/9/2016 -  CD4 150
13/9/2016  VL  undetectable.
March `17 - CD4 193   VL undetectable.
March  `18 CD4 214    VL undetectable
March 2019 CD4 325  VL UD
Genvoya - Changed to Biktarvy feb 2021

Offline em

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #16 on: May 01, 2017, 07:28:59 pm »
My thing about this was does anyone  think about how they might have been infected? emphases on might any doubts inquires and thoughts that eat and tare at them when they are alone with there thoughts late at night?


I first thought I got it from living in a homeless shelter with people who had AIDS. One time in particular we were waiting in hallway for lunch at a church soup kitchen about a dozen people from the homeless shelter I lived in for a while and this guy who had gone blind and was as sickly as he could be and still alive. He cleared his throat then coughed in my face while I was stretching and  yawning I could not close my mouth and turn from the spray in time for it to miss  my eyes and mouth. Gross I know. One guy in the hall burst out laughing and pointing at me ?? But he mussed have had a viral load in the billions and billions at that point. I had thought that would be a blame free infection for self preservation of my guilt filled mind at least on my part In that case I did nothing wrong and still ended up infected. that would be the case if I had been an adult  virgin I guess it was just a might have been?

my point was I guess does any one else wonder about it ?

I know I do.

could it have been from that secret moment in my young childhood while I was dreaming about my first kiss with the girl next door. A  family friend had said lets do this and that. Then said lets keep this a secret cause you do not want anyone else to think you are a fag?  now that would be a secret even if it meant getting HIV ?

just pondering what might have happened and seeing if anyone else wonders the same way or they just think this was when and that is it. the defining moment is sure and no question or doubt about it. like it is carved in stone as factually as facts can be.

Me I do not know?

It could have been this time with an older nurse I had met when I was teen she had said her husband had passed away recently and we were talking and she had suggested if i were interested about having some fun that night . the condom broke and she started to cry and said If I am with child I will have to get an abortion and I think you know why. SO I smiled and kissed her and said it is alright I would not blame you about this. I left thinking what  Have I done i thought ? I was just exposed to HIV. that might have been the moment. I could go on and on about what might have been the cause but I have it and I hope I if it was spread do not have to much ill will anguish and anger thought about me or anyone else who might have played a part in this horror show of HIV infection  like everyone else, I was trying to live love and enjoy the life I have to live.


it could have been one time out drinking ending up in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and the infection was placed in motion. Just a dumb circumstance all around ending in life altering case of HIV


sorry no wonder I do not come across as emotionally and psychologically stable I think to much and the results are written above. 

I have the virus and I will do everything i can not to spread it. that has been my life for a long time now. Who I might have given it too I have tracked down a few intimate contacts and well they were a struggle all there own. I can not take the blame for every one else in the world who has this virus it was around well before I had taken my first breath and will by the looks of things be around after I take my last.

I hope this  makes some sense to others  thinking it might not be too crazy to think like this might be the brake through I have been searching for for forty years. If it is the cause of my mental anguish then I will let it end with this thread and give no more thought I have it and that is all the facts I need

thank you for letting me write these ideas I hope if there are others that have thought the way I do this gives some comfort to know they are not alone

I was just going to write a short answer and now look at this mess of stuff I had written above . sorry to go on so much

Offline Almost2late

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #17 on: May 01, 2017, 08:18:02 pm »
@em.. if that were the case and people were catching hiv like you would the flu, than there would be much more than 1% of the population catching it.. but I do understand your paranoia, I've been there myself...


Offline Jim Allen

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #18 on: May 01, 2017, 08:27:49 pm »
Nope, personally speaking that line of thinking does not cross my mind and so it has not kept me up at night. -  Coughing simply does not transmit HIV, if that was the case everyone would have it and after all the years it would have been known trust me, also if simple coughing was a risk to others we would be locked up in quarantine a long, long time ago.   

I can only say that to me it this sounds like torturing yourself if you have been sitting up at night wondering about that kind of stuff. - Hope you can shake it.

However I do understand somewhat, the only time HIV was on my mind and transmission and it has kept me up at night was a few times when the kids where born but that was simply irrational and daft on my part.

Jim
« Last Edit: May 01, 2017, 08:54:47 pm by JimDublin »
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Offline em

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #19 on: May 01, 2017, 10:26:57 pm »
sorry why would any one believe or say such an improbable thing this is why

Not to go into to much detail and turn this into a novel. At  that time at most hospitals people wore full gowns  gloves and masks with visors  Doctors came up to examine me wearing such items way back when.

That story about the cleared throat even if the virus was in every part of said person running out of control with no medication to minimize his infection from a near death AIDS sufferer. I had come up with that to keep myself from shame and ostracization from my family and the medical coverage I was trying to keep through the VA. I had mentioned this event to my ID doc and he said it was highly improbable and unlikely an infection could be caused by that type of encounter. I had said instantly highly unlikely like the lottery everyone believes  they are going to win. but that is  highly improbable and unlikely as well. but believed and sometimes slim chances give hope and cover the major despair losses can cause.   I did not want to go to my grave thinking my dad hated me. That loss I could not face. You should have seen his face when I came back on leave from the military so much pride I could not and did not want to take that away from him.

two main ways to get it from anal sexual contact with an infected person and IV drugs both ways would have meant my family especially my dad would have dis owned me. Shamed me and forgotten about me leaving me with out a family at all So that story would have to keep him from hating me.

I had told it to him that story and about the HIV. I then said I was ashamed to have HIV  and was so sorry to let him down.   Then I cried alot and he hugged me and said I could never let him down and he was not or ever could be ashamed of me.

This was 28 years ago. My dad was found in his easy chair a lazy boy recliner with the back of his head crushed in 17 years ago.  The police report said accidental death??

there was more to tell but that was the short version of my story and I am sticking to it

Offline Jim Allen

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #20 on: May 01, 2017, 10:41:00 pm »
Well people believe/say all kinds of things however untrue to keep themselves sane or from facing hurt or from hurting others feelings. This is not uncommon in life, and I can understand that.

However dwelling on "what if" or irrational transmission thoughts in the here and now can not be helpful or productive, coughing simply does not transmit HIV. I hope this does not keep you up at night in the here and now.

Jim
« Last Edit: May 01, 2017, 10:46:03 pm by JimDublin »
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Offline em

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #21 on: May 02, 2017, 08:49:22 am »
If I may ask what did anyone else tell there family and loved ones. Now that i had put my self out there for judgment and ridicule over a tough life experience.

Disclosing before and after ? time lines of hard ships, this way I can know I was not the only one who went through this , 

I could tell about others i knew who had HIV and how they dealt with it, after quite some time many years ago at HIV support groups.

No names just events and who said what and when.SO that others who have or had to go through this do not feel alone about having to face such hardship

just a thought to help ourselves and other through tough  times in our lives.

It was and is a very hard topic to talk about now and way back then.

A lost soul


Offline Jim Allen

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #22 on: May 02, 2017, 10:08:40 am »
Personally I just told them I had HIV and reassured them it would be grand.
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Offline Mightysure

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #23 on: May 02, 2017, 12:59:03 pm »
I haven't told any family. Why do they need to know? I'm not having sex with any of them or sharing any needles. I think you're in your head too much about this.

Offline CaveyUK

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #24 on: May 02, 2017, 02:17:36 pm »
I agree. I haven't told any family. I think it's easier to do these days with the drugs that are easy to take and light on the side effects and the far more 'normal' life expectancy than it was in the old days when the drugs could cause visible issues and no-one was quite sure what it meant from a longevity perspective.

That said - coming up with an origin story which helps with the impact of disclosure is fine, just as long as you yourself don't start believing it and start tying yourself up in knots about it all.

At the end of the day whats done is done, and whether you contracted the virus through unprotected sex, IV drug use,  from your parents or medical treatment (thankfully rare these days), the virus is the same and the treatment and outlook are the same. Knowing the virus can now be managed effectively and this also prevents onward transmission is a massive bonus in terms of being able to put the why's and wherefore's to the back of your mind and get on with life IMO.
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Offline paintedroom

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #25 on: May 02, 2017, 07:33:22 pm »
I`m another that decided to keep it to myself.For me it has multiple good reasons that i`m sure are quite common - why burden my family ?  Why bring another shadow into the winter of my Mothers life ? The most obvious reason is not wanting to be seen  as HIV first.. and then me..that old stigma story.
I`m something of a solo act so it costs me nothing to keep it to myself.Others live only in relation to others and so disclosing suits them better.
Dx`d mid July 2016
8/8/2016 - CD4 50     VL 50,000
5/9/2016 -  CD4 150
13/9/2016  VL  undetectable.
March `17 - CD4 193   VL undetectable.
March  `18 CD4 214    VL undetectable
March 2019 CD4 325  VL UD
Genvoya - Changed to Biktarvy feb 2021

Offline Jim Allen

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #26 on: May 03, 2017, 02:03:49 am »
Others live only in relation to others and so disclosing suits them better.

Personally my status was made public for me, so I had little choice in the matter.  It was ultimately better to hear it from me than the grapevine at the time and I was in hospital so that played a role i suppose.

I think circumstances often do play a role and depends also on the support needed, relationship someone has with family. Also where you live, access to care or not and when diagnosis happened all play do a role, I think/suspect. 
« Last Edit: May 03, 2017, 03:10:41 am by JimDublin »
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Offline paintedroom

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #27 on: May 03, 2017, 05:05:54 am »
Great comment Jim.

My previous comment now seems glib and insensitive..apologies.
I guess i was one of the lucky ones insofar as i wasn`t hospitalised with PCP.i have at times wondered how far from a hospital diagnosis i was with a cd4 of 50 ? I have some memory of a Nurse telling me that about 50 cd4`s are gobbled up per 6 months to a year.Doesn`t really serve any useful purpose to think like that but one has these fugitive thoughts.

But so right Jim,circumstances are different and can be complex and imposed.
Dx`d mid July 2016
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5/9/2016 -  CD4 150
13/9/2016  VL  undetectable.
March `17 - CD4 193   VL undetectable.
March  `18 CD4 214    VL undetectable
March 2019 CD4 325  VL UD
Genvoya - Changed to Biktarvy feb 2021

Offline em

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #28 on: May 21, 2017, 02:55:48 am »
flawed logic please elaborate; dramatic license to tell a story or blatant fiction
the rejection of disbelief to follow a story? i forget how that saying goes right now
 
the difference between plausible and possible?  May be slim but still a difference
very few absolutes in this life we live. we try not to think in them cause they do not inspire hope.

like half life if you cut the amount in half  and you keep diminishing by half you never get to an absolute. just infinitesimally infinitely smaller amounts.

when something is plausible it could happen just not always possible  that it might happen.

in life there are chances some times slim to almost nil but still there

sorry just wanted to add to the already over flowing info I wrote

but please feel free to enlighten me about logic?

binary thought it either is or it is not. logic statements it has been a while but the class I had taken on it the instructor had said the computer program they had developed should take at least a week to get through. I not to brag or nothing did it in one day granted it was about twelve hours of straight  thinking but I did the entire exercise in one sitting. 

on life sometimes things are a bit more complicated.

maybe some blasphemy but Mary who saved herself from being stoned and started a religion? based on an exception to a rule she made up? a plausible but not possible.

immaculate infection without guilt or shame may not exist but to some it might be just the thought to help sleep at night making it gods will. if infection without sex and the sin shame and guilt of actions like that  of sex as highly unlikely is still on the realm of possibility . like someone born with HIV they did nothing wrong but there parents passed on  the pain they had to a child. 

like being hit by a meteorite   highly unlikely to the point of infinitesimal but still possible however unthinkable. It could never happen but  it is not an absolute 

one time I told a friend the logic statement that most serial killers drive panel vans. they said everyone who drives a panel van is not a serial killer missing the  point of the  statement entirely.

O wrote that story to share some thoughts on HIV the guilt of carrying it and how it adversely effects those who have it and those who are afraid of getting it.

 just wanted some light in this darkness I feel

« Last Edit: May 21, 2017, 03:17:07 am by em »

Offline Jim Allen

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #29 on: May 21, 2017, 06:52:51 am »
Flawed as it's not even remotely plausible.

As for plausible and possible share 1 thing in common, neither are impossible.
HIV spreading like flu currently is neither plausible or possible.

As for Mary  :-X ....

Jim

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Offline em

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #30 on: May 21, 2017, 11:01:47 pm »
I had woken up last night and had gone outside and saw the stars in the clear night sky and was thinking about this. The thought of it was not our problem and could happen to anyone they might see as something worth getting a vaccine for or even a cure so much sooner then later

they are working on it but has taken so much time

It seemed to me if it was not us and them they might see it differently. It is us and them and we just have be patient and wait for the medical community and the powers that be to find something to help remove this burden from us and intern from our society, then helping all of us. just trying to explore avenues to help others understand how HIV makes me anyway feel so out side the normalcy of living.

I know it is almost impossible to think of anyone getting the virus from other then sex. SO many out there  figure they can not get it because they do not engage in activities that may cause them to get this problem. I was one of them. They feel safe and by questioning  there safety even slightly an infinitesimal amount  might be the push to help them help us. Far fetched as it might be. even a small nudge might be just what is needed even if it is infinitesimal unimaginably and ridiculously  small risk to them that it is.  they might think about it in new light.

There are people that will live and grow old never being intimate with anyone cause of the fear of getting AIDS.

It is impossible to get HIV from casual contact and to some this makes them safe from getting it. SO if there safety is questioned they might get involved in helping us to get a cure. even if the fear is impossible and HIV not being the threat it once was. Just trying to share the fear of being forgotten just like HIV and AIDS might be if no one sees it as harmful and non threatening which it is now and should be .

sorry just wanted to care and be cared about

again just free thinking about what might help push this into the light to be addressed as a problem worth thinking and debating over.

HIV spreading like the flew. the flew has been deadly enough causing pandemics of horrific magnitude with out HIVs  help  not to mention TB that can be spread from person to person without sex killing untold large numbers of people 
but the flew they care about TB they care about . I fear HIV if not thought about will slowly be forgotten  HIV I once heard someone say not my problem.

what if it they thought it might be there problem what then would be done about it

just a stray thought in a world of questions
 
As for Mary > what I wrote was something  I read on facebook,   that made me think that one person can change the world  true or just a good story  everyone has been affected living today by the story of Mary and her son

just wanted to add something worth while to the train of thought on HIV and AIDS
a way out there what if a slight misconception might motivate the world to help each other further the quality of life for all involved in living on this earth we live on .

again sorry to ramble on so much with pointless stray thoughts that will not change anything the cure will come some day and on that day

what would you do on that day ?

Offline Jim Allen

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #31 on: May 22, 2017, 04:27:17 am »
Quote
again sorry to ramble on so much with pointless stray thoughts that will not change anything the cure will come some day and on that day

what would you do on that day ?

Personally don't believe in a cure within our lifetimes, but putting that aside for the moment.

If it happened lets say than I would do nothing - My life on a day to day basis is unaffected now so a cure would not change it, i would wait for the cure to be available for use that would take a few months, or few years i suppose than i would take it and move on.

How-about you EM? - What would it mean to you? What would you do and why are you not doing that now?
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Offline em

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #32 on: May 24, 2017, 03:10:00 am »
I had thought either they would find a cure or I would die from it. this was many about almost thirty years ago. Yup I got old and did not accomplish much except staying alive

It never occurred to me that there might be something in between. That  they would find a way through pills to keep the virus in check without curing it making a illness limbo neither free of nor  pending doom,  just precariously  balanced between cure and  dying from the infection and not living fully at the same time

years ago I had thought if a cure had been found I started to say I would and then  was interrupted by someone else saying what would you do in a nasty tone. I had thought how rude of them trying  to think for me and thinking I had something nasty in mind before they were about to say something I would do that was not nice? I did not give them the chance to think for me and finished my thought by interrupting there interruption by saying . they would have to lock me up far away from everyone else cause I would never stop smiling and laughing. Instead of the depression that had been ruling my life at that time and maybe still shows its ugly face in my life more then I would like.   

It has been a long winding road never boring just not the life I had dreamed of as a child. That is how life works for most people With and without HIV

what would I do and why am I not doing it ?? I would probably in reality being doing just what I am doing now as little as possible but without the excuse of HIV and the fear of it keeping me out of better life.  It would have come up with something else and making it the reason and  fault  for not having my life as great as it should have been. An example would be  mental illness, laziness fear and thousands of other excuses I could think of given more time.

many things I did do while waiting for the virus to take me. If I had not had the virus I would have taken that job I had been offered as an assistant janitor cleaning toilets at a large hotel and who knows after years of duty full service became president of the entire chain of hotels

Offline ceerrece

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #33 on: May 24, 2017, 07:44:42 pm »
I infected myself by behaving like an idiot, when I fully knew the risks

Me too. Honestly, I always believed that being heterosexual, the risk of getting HIV was very unlikely. Obviously I was wrong. I do not know who infected me, I have frequented prostitutes since I was 13 years old, some of them were drug addicts who worked on the streets without regulation. Still, I do not blame anyone, I am the only one responsible.

Offline CaveyUK

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #34 on: May 24, 2017, 08:24:06 pm »
Me too. Honestly, I always believed that being heterosexual, the risk of getting HIV was very unlikely. Obviously I was wrong. I do not know who infected me, I have frequented prostitutes since I was 13 years old, some of them were drug addicts who worked on the streets without regulation. Still, I do not blame anyone, I am the only one responsible.

Thats some feat! What did you do? Skip out of playtime at school to get laid? :)
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Offline ceerrece

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Re: ever ask yourself those of us who are infected ?
« Reply #35 on: May 24, 2017, 08:50:12 pm »
Thats some feat! What did you do? Skip out of playtime at school to get laid? :)

Haha, no... let's say that we and some of my friends started very early. Obviously it's something I'm not proud of. It is a long story.

 


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