I just can't....

[Texan38]

I met someone this weekend.  He was nice, cute, mainly spoke Spanish and when he spoke English he spoke it with an accent which I found so sexy.  We walked outside and sat on the bed of his truck.  There was a cool breeze.  We talked, laughed, joked around, held hands, caressed, kissed.  We would look into each others eyes, kiss on the cheek then slowly have one of those passionate, long kisses.  No sex happened. Not even oral.  It was all......so very.....nice.  So I had to go.  He asked me when we could see each other again.  I smiled at him and said someday.  I put my hands on his cheeks and gave him one last kiss then I turned and left.  I just couldn't stay.  I can't do it.  I try, I really do but...I just....can't.   

[redhotmuslbear]

Tex,
Do you have someone close and present in your life to talk this stuff out with in reflection, like a therapist, clergy person, or counselor?  Someone reading your post could arrive at varied conclusions about your present state:

afraid of disclosure, despite knowing your HIV status for 15 years?

afraid of emotional intimacy? ......and the oxytocin high doesn't count....

classic "tease" needing to let someone down, though one wouldn't ordinarily associate such things with someone posting here

None of these three conditions would be a good place to be.

Best,
David

[Texan38]

Hey David,

No, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.  I once asked my Doctor once about anti-depressants and all she basically said, everyone gets depressed every now and then.  On my last appnt, the PA saw me and I asked him, he asked me how I was feeling and he told me it sounded as if I was going through a midlife crisis - that was all.  I guess maybe because I don't look or act down - I'm not.  I'm always cheerful and say HI to everyone with a smile.
I've disclosed a couple of times, willing to take a chance, and I was rejected.  Emotional intimacy...scares the shit out of me.  I wish I could go more into detail about that but I'm at work and...can't type for too long.

Thanks,

Take care.

[Iggy]

Tex,

You most certainly CAN do it, but you need to give yourself a break first.  I hope that if you just take it in little pieces (like going out with the guy again without strings attached) rather then worrying about the bigger issues, you find it is very doable.

Just a thought.

[steps]

I just just can't. your ethic of not wishing to expose others to the possible of infection is a high ethical standard.
It does not mean you will be forever alone it only means you have an honest outlook about you.
You need not worry or give up on being with someone your ethic will bring someone to you without you even trying to find it you only need to see the possiblity

[DanielMark]

Emotional intimacy...scares the shit out of me.

Hi Tex,

That was exactly what I wondering about when I read your first post in this thread. I've met other positive people (men and women) who have developed that problem after diagnosis (if they didn’t already have it before). Trust and vulnerability can be scary, and especially so for people living with HIV. Hope you can find a way to work that out some day.

Daniel

[Peter6836]

Tex,
I can so relate, emotional intamcy scares the shit out of me. Especially after my HIV diagnosis. I can so understand your story, all the way to the hands on the cheeks it was a picture of something I would do. I find that I just keep myself out of the situation all together.
I go to therapy and it is something that I am working on. But I want you to know that you are not the only one. Although I have no words that can make it better, I do know that at times knowing you are not alone matters.
Peter