15 July: A day I will not forget. My story.

[Madas]

I am recently diagnosed and thought it would be helpful to share my story. So, here it is.

I live in Australia. I grew up in a small country town with a pretty conservative farming type family.

I decided to move to the big smoke to study. I graduated law with honours. I got a good job with one of the largest law firms in the region. Things were looking good with my life.

There was one thing. One thing was niggling my happiness: I hadn't come out of the closet. In fact, I completely rejected homosexuality or being around anything that may resemble homosexuality. I dated girls. I had never been with a guy. It was starting to hurt me on the inside because I wanted to fall in love and there was something stopping me from getting to that point with women.

I treated them mean 'to keep them keen' (as you may have heard the saying). But it was all a well orchestrated show to hide what was niggling at me on the inside.

I found out the father of a close friend of mine at the age of around 55 told his family of four daughters and wife he was gay. He shortly moved out. He then unexpectedly died from a heart attack not long after. I went to his funeral. I was still in the closet. I was afraid I would die without having ever loved.

I moved departments at work and I was now working for a new partner at my law firm. It turns out he was gay. His team was energetic. They were fun. I was happy. I had a good role model to look up to and being gay now seemed okay to me.

One day, I had drinks and dumplings with a friend I had traveled Europe with. Out of the blue, I told her I was gay. She was so supportive and also excited for me. It was a relief. It was easy. It was the happiest moment of my life: I was gay, I told someone and the world didn't end.

My friend asked me if I had Grindr. I had no idea what that was. Later that night I downloaded that application to my phone. I spoke to a few people. It was fascinating. I had no gay friends: before that date, I rejected homosexuality entirely. I was 25 years old.

Shortly after, I told my housemate and we had a few drinks on the first floor balcony of my apartment block. Our neighbour came home and said hello to my housemate and I from the ground floor. We invited him up to tell him the news. We spoke to him often. He lived upstairs. He was around 50, was a senior lawyer and, as it happens, he was also gay.

He took the news well and was so happy for me to have come out. He went upstairs to his apartment and brought me down something. He gave me a small bag full of condoms! He also gave me a copy of a book: 'Holding the Man'. An autobiography written by Tim Conigrave, a well known Australian  activist.

I read half the book that night. It was about a man struggling with his sexuality (just like I did). Tim told a story which I identified with. It talked of inner pain one feels being closeted, the same pain I felt until I came out.

I read the other half the next night. It was about how Tim met his boyfriend. It went into promiscuity and other things that I had no idea about at that stage. How they found out they had both contracted HIV. Tim's boyfriend died. I was shocked.

I was too young when the AIDS crises of the 1980s hit. I had no idea. I knew HIV/AIDS was around but never thought it was a real risk. I thought it happened to other people.

I met my first boyfriend shortly thereafter through this new application I had downloaded: Grindr.  He was an intelligent, tall man with dark hair and blue eyes. He was a couple of years older than me. We fell in love. We always had safe sex. He insisted.

We broke up eight months later. I was 26. I moved cities. I had only used Grindr for dates but now I was in a new city. I knew no one. I used Grindr for all it's purposes. I met everyone. I made friends easily. I was happy. That was about a year ago.

Then one day, I saw a guy on Grindr and he was only a few hundred metres away! 'Smooth muscle' his profile said, but apparently he didn't like one night stands. I said 'hi' and I was confident as always. I told him I wanted to come over because I wanted the couple of bottles of red wine he said he had, not for a one nighter.

I arrived at his apartment. His name was Matt. He had just moved to the area. He had no furniture and we sat on his floor talking. His place overlooked the glistening lights of my neighbourhood. The dark silhouettes of the roofscape were brightened by his smile. It was cold and we wrapped ourselves in his brown, wooly South American blanket. We hit it off and cuddled, assisted by his good taste in great wine! I was at his house every night from then on. I was falling in love again.

About a month passed. Matt had to go away for a few days for work. I wanted to talk with him about being exclusive that weekend. I was scared. I thought: I don't want to be committed to just one guy again! While he was away, I got on Grindr. I slept with a couple of guys.

Matt came back from his work trip but I couldn't catch up with him because his parents had just told him they were getting a divorce. I didn't see him for about two weeks over this period. I decided to use this time to go get a regular check up with my doctor.

I went to my doctor on Saturday. I got my standard tests and I also got a 30 minute rapid HIV blood test.  The rapid test came back negative. I asked the doctor how accurate it was. He said it was very accurate. I was relieved. I was in love. I was going to tell Matt that I wanted to be his boyfriend. I was building up for it that following weekend. I thought, as young people naively do: 'We would buy a house, get a puppy and be happy together forever!'

That Friday I found out my promotion at work came through. It was announced to everyone. I was congratulated and felt like I was on top of the world. At 4.35pm on that same day, my doctor called me and said my tests had returned an indeterminate result and to come in on the next day to get re-tested. I had brunch scheduled at 11.00am on that day with Matt to have the 'let's be exclusive talk'. I was annoyed with the doctor at inconveniencing this so I said: 'Let's make this quick at 10.00am. I have the love of my life I need to share scrambled eggs with.'

I arrived at the doctor' clinic. My doctor explained to me about antigens and antibodies. My Western Blot was blank but my P24 was reactive. I understood that antigens develop before antibodies. I was worried but not overly concerned: This doesn't happen to people like me. My doctor took more blood samples. I asked for another rapid test. While we waited, the doctor and I joked and talked. I told him about Matt and my promotion. The doctor is gay too, we talked about his job and where he was at in life. I said it would be ironic if everything was going well in my life: I get a promotion, fall in love and then BANG - I get HIV! Surely this cannot happen to me and not now.

The doctor got up and walked to check the rapid test. The doctor's eyes were telling. As a lawyer you learn to detect these things. He said something but I didn't register it. It was like he was speaking another language. I didn't understand him. I asked him to repeat what he said.

The test was positive.

I stood up immediately. I turned around and stared out the colour stained glass window. I started to breathe quickly and heavily. I pulled out my mobile phone. I called my housemate, who was a doctor. No answer. I called again. No answer. I sent him a text message: 'call me, call me now!' 

I was in shock. I had no sex in the week since it was negative. What changed since last Saturday when I returned a negative test result?

My mind was racing: What do I do? It was 11.00am. Matt was sitting across the road at the cafe.

I walked the short distance over the road to see Matt. I was stoic. I stared across the table at him. My eyes teary and red. I just thought about him and whether he was okay: We had unprotected sex a couple of weeks earlier. I just wanted to tell him. I wanted him tested by my doctor. I thought: He needs to know and he needs to know now! My doctor is just over there with the answer.

I got up from the table. I walked outside. I was in tears in front of everyone. I called my doctor's mobile phone. I explained the situation I was in to him. He recommended I calm down and not tell him until the tests from the blood he just took were back on Tuesday. I calmed down. I told Matt I heard bad news about my mother and that's why I was in tears.

I decided to spend the weekend with Matt without telling him. After all, it could all be just a big mistake and the detailed tests on Tuesday could be negative. If they weren't, I thought we could have one last weekend together (without intimacy, of course) before I tell him on Tuesday.

I was in fear that we would both be positive, that I did it, that he would hate me. I cried to myself as we drove around in his car that weekend. He knew something was up but knew I didn't want to talk about it. It came to Sunday night and I said I needed to go home. I hugged him as I said I needed to go. He didn't understand as I stayed at his place every night. I couldn't tell him yet. I burst into tears and cried like I have never cried before. I fell to the ground on his bedroom floor, clutching at Matt. Clutching the man I wanted to love and the man I may have infected with a deadly and horrific virus.

Matt said I didn't have to tell him what it was that was upsetting me and to stay the night with him. I said I can't and I had to go. He asked if he would see me again. I said I didn't know and I got up and walked out.

I got home and felt like I had just left my life behind when I walked out on Matt. I thought I was going to die either physically, or on the inside, mentally. I cried on the floor of my apartment. Alone.

I told my housemate about he situation. It was like recounting something from a movie. We couldn't believe it. He being a doctor was resourceful and we quickly researched what was going on. It wasn't a death sentence. It was going to be okay. He said he would come with me to my doctors appointment on Tuesday.

At 4.05pm on Tuesday, 15 July 2014 it was confirmed that I had contracted human immunodeficiency virus.

I took it well. I had a series of questions. I asked for all my medical records. My housemate doctor asked questions. I thought: It was just a problem, my line of work was to solve problems everyday. I could work out a strategy to fix this: it was going to be okay.

That day, I booked an appointment for Matt with my doctor (who also happens to be a HIV specialist) on Wednesday morning. I told him I was expecting bad news and wanted him there for me. I lied to him because, of course, you would want to be tested straight away after being told.

On Tuesday night I walked home with my housemate. We bought a bottle of red wine. We sat in our apartment with the fire roaring, candles lit and just talked. We talked about a lot of things but mainly how I would tell Matt. It was time to walk over to Matt's place.

I arrived and I immediately remembered that first night we met and how happy I was. He is a smart guy and sort of knew what was going on by now. But being told, and telling it, is another thing. It was like coming out of the closet all over again.

I told him.

I was calm, composed and executed my well prepared speech like I was talking for the first time as a US president. I said it articulately and clearly. Despite my confidence, I thought: How could he ever love me now that I have this horrible, stigmatised illness? I was ready to get up and leave forever, never to see him again. That was before his reaction:

He said everything was going to be okay. He hugged and held me tightly for a long time.

I couldn't believe it. He didn't get up and scream and shout at me. He didn't put on a hazmat suit and quarantine his apartment. He did exactly what I needed: he said I was going to be okay, he had friends who had been through this.

I stayed with him at his place that night.

Matt knew something was wrong the previous Saturday when I meet him for brunch (immediately after finding out my rapid test showed a positive result). Being a smart guy, he told me he got tested later that Saturday and it was negative. I was relieved to find out he was okay.

Only Matt and my housemate know for now. They have both been very supportive of me. I will never forget it.

For those of us in advanced economies with universal healthcare, like Australia, anti retroviral treatment has made the physical symptoms of living with HIV easier to deal with. ART and all medical expenses are paid for by the government. But the fact society is paying for my mistake is disconcerting for me.

What is surprising to me, as someone who was HIV naive, is that it is the emotional and mental hardships that are and will be the hardest things to deal with.

I am now in the early days of treatment. I'm taking Kivexa (ABC, 3TC) and Dolutegravir (DTG). My infection was detected during seroconversion so my viral load was quite high at over 10 million and a CD4 count of 349. I have no health conditions or family history of chronic illness. I am suffering a couple of minor side effects but they seem to be going away as I get used to taking the medication.

I think back to when I came out and my neighbour gave me that little bag of condoms and the book Holding the Man. I think about all the warnings and information out there about this. I am smart and know there was a danger - I took the risk anyway. That risk did not pay off. It resulted in the worst couple weeks of my life. A period when I thought I couldn't go on and that I should end my life.

After writing this story and reading those of others, I realise I will be fine. If anyone who has just been diagnosed is reading this, you will be too.

I do have a question for others. I know about CD4 and viral loads, what other key indicators should I be tracking? Are there any health problems that can arise even though my VL and CD4 count will return to normal?

[Matty the Damned]

o.O

I'm an Australian. Welcome to the forums.

MtD

[TheDancingCookie]

Hi M

Diagnosed just over two weeks earlier than you. You indeed will be fine.  . This is a great place for help and answers. Welcome.

[mitch777]

Hey Madas,

That was quite a story for an opener! Welcome to the forums.

m.

[geobee]

Hi Madas,

Welcome to the forums.   Of course, it sucks that you're here   But it's also great.  I really liked reading your story.

As to your questions re: CD4 and VL, that's all there is to track.  Like you I was dx'ed shortly after infection (VL was a million or so). 

I live in Berkeley, CA, USA.   The clinic here is going to test for CD4 only once a year soon.  There's not much one can do about it, and getting undetectable is the real goal, so that's all they are going to look at. 

Glad you found us.

[Kardean]

WOW!!!   Dx July 15th and all labs done and on treatment already!   Australia rocks

What meds were you put on?  Since you've been only on them a short period of time, you'll probably notice the side effects diminishing fairly soon.

In any regard, welcome to the forum and best wishes forward.

[Tonny2]

  ojo  Hi and welcome

I think that your doc and you should look for your liver, pancreas and kiddny panels, and for your hiv, just cd4 and VL, will do it...good luck, and now is time to use those condoms your friend gave you, right?     ojo

[pittman]

Welcome to the forums and thank you for the time you spent on your introduction.

Your viral load is the most critical number to track over time.  Once CD4 returns to normal and is stable, it is much less important. Newer thinking even suggests that it is not needed as a long term test, or at the very least, much less frequently. Many still like to track it anyway however.

There are other tests usually done regularly, just to monitor possible side effects, and allow for treatment changes as needed.   In general, though I would focus on the viral load. With the early treatment, you should respond rather quickly. 

[tednlou2]

Welcome to the forums, even though it does suck you have to join us.  But, it is good you tested and are now in care.  I look forward to hearing more from you. 

All the best,

Ted

[Ruefulwonder]

Madas I so understand most of your experience, even tho I'm a hetero woman. The vulnerability and wanting love so much. The shock of the diagnosis, can't breathe, can't hardly stand, why me, this can't happen to me, fully expecting abandonment, etc. I completely understand. I have known I'm HIV+ for four months now. I'm still grieving for who I was before.

I got mine from the only escort client I cared for and was with the most often. I remember dreading telling him before I knew he was positive, fully expecting abandonment, both of us shocked when he came up positive. I still see him and care about him very much.