What would you have said?

[HealthyMomma]

Hey guys! I have something to vent about here. Nobody in my family knows I am poz other than a few people. Including my cousin which is basically my best friend. I talk to her several times a week and tell her about my doctors appointments and everything. She knows I have to take meds and how sick I was when I first started taking them. She has been on this little "journey" with me for the last 2 years. She just started dating some guy a month ago. He just moved in with her. They haven't had sex yet but I am pretty sure they will any day now. His ex is going around saying he gave her stds and everything. People make things up when they are mad. But how do you know if she is spreading lies or is being honest? You dont. Thats my point. You dont know when people have HIV or not. People can have herpes and you cant tell. So I mentioned something to my cousin about using condoms. And she just kinda blew it off. I asked her if she had any condoms or if she needed some. She said she had some but only used them a couple times and dont really like they way they feel. Um. Learn from my mistakes ok? So I try to talk to her and tell her that and she says "well I'm not on birth control anyways". I dont care! You shouldn't use condoms just because you are not on birth control. You should use condoms to prevent yourself from getting stds! So bascially from what I gathered, when and if she goes back on birth control they wont use condoms. She says " If we are together a long time then we are not going to be using condoms forever!" Fine! I told her to at least go and get tested together before they decide to go bare back. She just kinda bawled at the idea. She is kinda shy about sex so I'm thinking she would rather say nothing instead of insisting he use a condom or that they go get tested together. I think telling him she wants them to get tested together would be totally humiliating to her. Who cares? I tried explaining to her that it only takes one time and he might have something he doesn't even know about! I dont know if she will listen or not. Probably not. She tends not to take my advice when it comes to guys. Is there anything else you would have said to her? I am not gonna beg her to use condoms. She knows she should. She knows about HIV. I am thinking there is not much more I can do other than hope she protects herself  and uses condoms. I am going to see if maybe I can get a ride from her to my doc appointment in January. Maybe the nurses can knock some info into her head. I dunno what else to do. Every man to his own I suppose. Makes me so pissed and sad at the same time....

[emeraldize]

Reminds me of a friend of mine, who knew my story completely, and told me how she tracked her status via blood donations. I was shocked. Fortunately, before she moved away, I was able to have a serious, yet quite humorous, chat with her and give her a condom dolled up like a lollipop from some conference I'd attended. I emphatically stated that moving to California would increase her odds and that she really needed to think of me with any new relationship that started. It's frustrating for sure. You just want to shake the person and say " What don't you get about how possible it is for you to become positive? " At least you tried.

[Queen Tokelove]

I think you pretty much said what could be said. It seems to me that she has the mindset that it can't happen to her regardless of her knowing it happened to you. As far as this new man in her life, well the ex could be talking mess because she is pissed or there could be truth to what she is saying, who knows. Maybe you should try to meet this new fella and see what he is like. It is still your cousin's choice if she wants to be with him but maybe you could get a vibe and see what he is about.

[anniebc]

You gave her good advise Mom but unfortunetly if she is not listening then there is not much you can do about..and I can understand how fustrating it must be for you, but all you can do at this stage is hope that some of it got through...the important thing is you tried.

Take care
Hugs
Jan

[Peter6836]

Momma,
You said all the right things, and should feel good about the fact that you have been able to say them to her. I appreciate your honesty and you know she might also. Do not write off the idea that she did not hear you. Something may resonate with her yet. If not you did all you could do.
We need more people like you in the world!!!!
With respect.
Peter

[Basquo]

I think it's strange that they're moving in together and haven't had sex yet, but if that's truly the case, perhaps he's not the manwhore his ex says he is.  But that really doesn't make a difference in the idea that they should get tested together. I don't know what else you can say, maybe you should say it again.  Tell her you don't want to have to say "I told you so" later.

[HealthyMomma]

Well they had sex last night....without a condom...I think I did pretty much all I can short of hiding under the bed and sliding one on him myself! It just pisses me off that she seems to think its not a big deal.... I did what I could...thanks guys!