I feel like I want to give up. Still in pain

[guitargal]

Hey people,
I am so done with this pain thing. I really don't know how much longer I can cope.
On suggestion of my DR. I went to ortho.
I explained my joint pain, my muscle pain, the tendon pain. We talked about the bursitis I had in my hip in 2012 - 2015
They x rayed my shoulder as it was really bothering me for months.
Nothing mechanical wrong. No rotator cuff injury, that's good as I was not sure because I have done a lot of physical work, heavy lifting, in my life.

The options are ...can give me an injection in my shoulder and suggest physical therapy. I declined the injection. 1 cortazone injection in my shoulder is not going to address the wide spread body pain I have.

Over the summer I have been selling my possessions. I did ok on ebay. The auction guy came and took my furniture. I had a small yard sale on Saturday and by 4 pm I put half of it by the side of the road with a free sign. I could not move, walk or lift my arms. Anything I do that is physical leaves me in pain. Sunday I woke and I could hardly walk, I couldn't eat in pain.  but by 2 pm I decided to get out of the house and go to CVS for my blood pressure meds and triumeq , went to Staples and see if they had the right kind of photo sleeves to organize and preserve my fathers Korean War photos. I could hardly walk around the store..

I wanted to go to the ER yesterday, and again this morning,but it would be for nothing and cause more aggravation and loss of hope as I will be dismissed and stigmatized. I will cry in front of the nurses as I can't take it anymore emotionally and when I am drilled about it all by strangers I get upset.

I can see the whole scene in my head.
It's a small hospital so the wait probably would not be that long.
I would explain what has been happening since my doctor took me off hydrocodone last year. That I can't move my body, walk, stairs, cook, clean, drive a lot,  and it is painful to walk and even stand after I do something physical. That for years I balance and plan ahead to pace myself and rest up before I have to do anything physical.

I will have a few days where I am ok.
OK being I wake feeling like I was hit by a truck, take advil and sit outside with my coffee and then lay down again. a bowl of cereal, a smoothie, hot shower or bath, then I have about 4 -6  hrs to do things before I am exhausted in pain and have to lay down and prop my head as my neck hurts.

When I push myself, like the yard sale or visiting family in the city and the driving and walking on the sidewalks there I have to recuperate for days after with achy thighs, knees, sore back, neck and shin splints and foot pain.

 I would explain all the other medications I have tried in lieu of opiates. They will see my medical history of the long list of meds I tried. I will tell them I also have done acupuncture, massage, physical therapy, aqua therapy, guided meditation, etc. over the past 7 years.
That I had nerve conduction tests 15 years ago when the pain was only in my legs, that were inconclusive.  I was cured of HEP C and I got a little better, but was stillon pain meds at that time.  but the past year with no pain management has been really hard. That I have been waiting to get the referral and  go to the pain clinic for months and months.
They will want to draw blood again and all my labs from June were good.

I will either be poked and prodded, or just listened to and no real exam.
I will be stigmatized and shunned and dismissed as a depressed crying woman or an addict looking for drugs.

it is all too humiliating.  They don't care or understand that I probably got HIV in the late 1980's, diagnosed in 1992 and have taken every HIV drug that came down the pike to stay alive and live a good life. That I had the luxury to spend a month in the hospital with out food or water  from pancreatitus from DDI  and lost my muscle mass and was 100 lbs.
the  kidney loss and bone loss at 49 years old with tenofovir.

That I worked physical labor jobs that men do.

That I have fallen off horses, out of trees,  ass over elbow on skis, ice skates, sleds.   That I lived an active life and now spending days in bed , i live alone and have no friends near is literally killing me. I need to be able to drive with ease as knawing muscles or shooting pain in your leg when on the break pedal is not safe.
That a stiff and painful neck is not good when one needs to look in all directions.

Just to walk, cook, eat brush my hair and do things without being pre occupied with pain for a few hours would be such relief to my mind. .

I wanted to get a job again but with out pain management I can hardly eat, do errands.

Trying to sell and pack my stuff to move soon is excruciating. I have no one to help me.  I keep plugging away and have to give my self credit that I have accomplished so much despite the sadistic doctors that dismiss me. Do they think I am lying? Lying and living in poverty on purpose? for 7 years? WTF?

 I want to go to Colorado and go fly fishing. I want to go to Puerto Vallarta this winter and see my brother, his wife and son,  who moved there 10 years ago and are not coming back.

 Every one of the doctors and nurses don't believe me, or hear me, when I tell them that I don't do drugs. When my script ran out for hydrocodone last year I had no trouble weaning off by taking 1  pill then  1/2  a pill. I do not desire to be stoned. I want to be clear headed to work and travel.

I don't want to be tethered to a doctors office or pain clinic where you have to go every 30 days to pick up a paper script for a controlled substance.But that is better than suffering, loosing weight and not being able to pay my basic bills let alone travel.
 I want to be a little better but there is no diagnosis but that I have had  HIV for 30 years and reduced kidney function and fibromyalgia and Epstein bar test was active in January. I tried all the other meds they prescribed over the past 7 years and nothing worked or terrible side effects or more kidney loss. When we managed my pain with 6 mg hydrocodone I was doing so much better and living life without the side effects.

 They don't believe me that when I had my baby in 1990 I was given pain meds to take home and didn't take them because I was breast feeding. That when I had my wisdom teeth out in 1991 I didn't take the vicodin after the 1st pill as i had nausea from the anesthesia and didn't want to throw up with bloody gauze packs in my mouth. That I only took pseudophed and advil off and on for 30 years.

I have no answers. Either do they. They refuse to prescribe because of the opiod epidemic and I just can't keep living like this... loosing days in bed and in pain with weight loss and no income but social security and food stamps.

Am I wrong to be angry? Am I being mis treated?

When all my things are sold and I finish mailing to my son I am keeping, whatever does not fit in my car will be left behind and I am heading West with or without treatment.

I am not staying here isolated and alone in this incredibly noisy apartment I moved into a few months ago after begging and  fighting for a year with the housing authority for help. There is no help in my community. No help from the doctors to ease my pain and allow me a little relief and quality of life.

I will go back on the road again. I'll end up in LA where my son lives.

Camp and fish in the rockies? Go see the Foo fighters in Denver in October?  watch the jeeps rock crawl in Moab? Go to Escalante? Bryce canyon and see the hoodoos? 

How to do this with out pain meds will be reall hard, but maybe not. I'll take it slow..
 Last year I traveled and it was hard and exhausting and I had pain meds. But I did it. I lived life. I did not stay alone and isolated in an apartment.
 
.... standing next to El Capitan in Yosemite took all my pain away.

I'll let you now how it goes. You can follow me on my blog, instagram or you tube.
Just PM me for the links.

Like I said, I am done with rent, bills and doctors and inclusive tests. I will not keep listening to them and go in and out of their revolving door in hopes of a treatment and suffer waiting for an appointment that is months away Fuck them. I can get my blood pressure meds and triumeq at any CVS. In LA I can go to AHF if I need to.
sorry for the long long story, but I am layed up and have not spoken but a few superficial sentences to another human in days.

Onward and upward.