Feeling stupid

[Lamek]

So...it's now been about three months since diagnosis and on meds. CD4 was initially 480. Forgot about the VL.

With my issue of constantly forgetting things, I felt really stupid and silly and embarrassed, after I realised that I did not submit the answer sheet to an exam I wrote last week. I found the answer sheet in my bag! Gosh!

I am going to the doctor immediately. I read about HAND...really scary stuff. I guess this will be the end of my job!

 

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

Nothing to feel stupid about. I've done worse over the years.
Look now HAND, first it was side effects, switched no change, than depression, and  last week Diabetes.

https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=72440.msg
https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=72409.msg

I'm not trying to dismiss what you are going through although I think instead of leaping to conclusions or worrying about "HAND" & self-diagnosing things without proper context or medical support, you need to take a deep breath, stop reading stuff and instead talk to your doctor about how you are feeling and, your mental health, how you are doing.

See what they say and take it from there.  Its a journey, not a race so take it step by step.   

I do know you have a lot on your plate, getting settled into treatment, digesting the news, some guilt perhaps, maybe even depression (If so depression can cause loads of symptom) but with all this being a tad forgetful would be expected from the best of us without it being HAND.  In addition to everything that is going on, simply starting to suppress the virus and "healing" itself can make you tired at first.

So do try to take things one step at a time, work with your doctor. 

Best, Jim

https://www.poz.com/basics/hiv-basics/hiv-brain-hivassociated-neurocognitive-disorder

[Lamek]

Thanks Jim.

I am trying to cope. I want to LIVE. Every time I think of suicide I just look around...and I realise how life is sooo beautiful .

Yesterday doctor said there will surely be a cure one day. I am just lingering on those words. Keeping my fingers crossed.

[MarkintheDark]

I've read through your posts and, as @JimAllen has said, you're going thru an adjustment period.  That's normal.  And admittedly, catastrophizing/panic can be part of it for some.  [putting on my Spock ears] How is that useful to you or productive?  I'll also reiterate that self-diagnosis on the interwebs is often a damaging exercise in futility.

Though I'm most certainly not a mental health professional, I do have a li'l experience with HIV.  I suspect that, if you're wound up and/or distracted/unable to focus, that may be affecting your sleep and ability to concentrate.  Been there.  In addition to your doc, I'd strongly suggest you seek out the help of a therapist who's familiar with HIV issues - work, family, etc. - if only to get you through the adjustment period.  Plenty of us have had to use 'em.  Many folks here have needed help at some time.  You're in good company.

On a related note, do you engage in any strenuous physical activities or sport?  How's your diet?  Are alcohol or drugs part of your routine?  I wanna be clear, it's not intended to criticize.  But it sounds like you've been sufficiently agitated that help is in order and I encourage you to seek it out.  [monster hug]

[Pirata]

I can relate somehow, I was diagnosed  about four months ago, I started my treatment on the 25th of February, I feel fine but I am always scared that something can go wrong, I have read a lot of post here and I realize we all go through similar processes, every day I do my best to enjoy my life and fill myself with hope, these people in here are amazing, so we are not alone, keep living your life and always think that you are better now than when this story began.

[Marcanthony]

You will feel like this at the start- I did. I had an AIDS diagnosis and was very sick & hospitalised for 8 weeks, 5 of which I was in ICU. When I left hospital I thought I had HAND, I had a head scan as I was very forgetful. I couldn’t remember people, or conversations that had happened 5 mins earlier. BUT, with the right treatment, looking after yourself and not worrying- you’ll be fine.

I know how it feels, any slight twing, or anything odd you panic. I’m almost a year in now to being diagnosed and I feel great.

Stop worrying, do as the dr. Says & enjoy life.

[Lamek]

Hey MarkintheDark, Thank you.

I have had some counselling and went to see a doctor two days ago for counselling. For me what has be challenging me mentally has been the fear of losing my job that has been causing me anxiety. Normally I am always on my toes with work, woking throughout the night and day (excuse the exaggeration). Now that I am experiencing dizziness/confusion/disorientation I have been finding it hard to decide wether to face reality and quit my engineering job, or just keep on and hope my state will improve. I am naturally someone who can maintain mental stability only by being clear of things. That is my biggest issue. For example I would take a power nap and expect that when I wake up I will be 'sharp'. And when that does not happen and I am still dizzy, I get frustrated, looking at all the deadlines I have.

The doctor booked me off for this week saying I need to get rest because I never got a "break" to digest the diagnosis. I can't stay away from week. I am in a better mental state when I am at work. I would have the anxiety of falling behind. I am just a workaholic and that's my problem. The doctor also gave me "Urbanol" for enxiety. It kind of helped with the grogginess, but makes me sleepy throughout.

My diet is proper. I don't get time to cook I order proper meals from the restaurant. I also take Herbal Life supplements, and make shakes with all the healthy stuff I can throw in. I do not drink or use drugs. I try to exercise as much as I can, and I have membership at the gym. I have always been a fitness fanatic.

I am just praying that my memory to improve.

I just came from a grocery store now, and almost left without paying for the goods. They had to call me back. 

[Lamek]

Corrrection: "I went to see and doctor, and also went for counselling"

[Lamek]

Another correction: "If I don't get time to cook..." (I don't eat fast food though)

[Lamek]

Thanks @Marcanthony for sharing some tips.

You're right. I have actually started to wonder if I am really forgetting things due to a condition, or it is the effects of panic and anxiety. I have realised that that I am excepting myself to remember every single thing or every new word or name I have heard. Then I start panicking if I dont remember...then there is just a whole cascading effect.

My colleague today forgot something that I could remember quite well and at the back of my mind I was like "Uhhhmmm, wasn't that supposed to be me?"

[Loa111]

I came in with a very advanced case, aids too, cd4 22 about a year ago.
In the 6-9 months before I got Dx'ed I certainly had trouble focusing on things at work which I noticed within myself, aside from physical sickness starting to kick in.

Even though I am well recovered now and back to normal. I sometimes suspect the advanced state I was in did something to me. I just don't feel as sharp mentally as I used to, not as mentally swift. Maybe it did sometime to me, or maybe it's just approaching middle age lol! 

[Lamek]

Hello everyone!

I just want to find out from anyone who's experience 'brainfog', how do manage it? I'm trying to study for important exams and it's so hard to get anything iny brain.

I heard some people talk of MRI scan. Do u think I need to get my brain scanned? I run around, shake my head but still no difference.

[Lamek]

I also slept more than 10 hours last night but no difference.

Gosh, I could trade a leg for this state. I feel like I am my own ghost. Existing but not living.

Any tips welcome pls 😊

[Lamek]

If you watched the movie "Get Out" you will know what I'm talking about

[Jim Allen]

Hiya

Unless you doctor thinks you need an MRI you don't need one.

Take the week to digest the diagnosis, perhaps use the time to look into finding a therapist to help you with the journey   

Jim

[Lamek]

Thanks, Jim

News just in!

My VL is now at 62, from 70 000, in about three months

[Jim Allen]

  That's excellent results.

[Lamek]

I hope everyone is gonna have a fantastic weekend!

I thought I should create a new thread, but maybe that's not necessary. I just want to vent a bit...please bare with me.

I don't want to write long boring sentences, so I have summarised my thoughts into points:

1. I constantly wonder why this forums is so quiet. People rarely post anything here. Also, we the ones who post are normally the same people every time. I often want to post on this forum and i find myself deleting what I wrote before posting it. Is everyone else enjoying their best life and I am the only one with issues? Also, there are so many 'guests' who just come and view posts but have not accounts. It's a bit annoying. I honestly think that these people should have accounts to view posts, in order to benefit from the content.

2. I have been recently having frequent visits to the doctor...almost every week, for every issue. But I am wondering whether this is the right thing to do, or I must just suck up my issues, as these come with HIV? For example last time I went and told the doctor about my diabetes symptoms (I am not implying that I made myself believe I had diabetes)...the doctor prescribed gave Urbanol for anxiety...which was totally unhelpful. Now, since two days ago, I suddenly have insomia...I can fall asleep with sleeping pills but can't stay asleep. And my appetite is GONE!
Do you think I should cut my visits to the doctor and just go on with life? I am asking this especially because I pay for doctor consultations out of my own pocket. I avoid using my employer's medical insurance because I do not want them to start suspecting anything, based on my fund claims which would be many and frequent.

3. I have realised that the way I drive is suddenly clumsy, and a workmate even asked me today "dude, who taught you how to drive?". I am also highly irritable. It is as though my coordination is bad. I am also finding it hard to concentrate. As a result, I ask people to repeat themselves again and again. So annoying.

4. Throughout the day, everyday, I am constantly plotting my suicide...what I will write in the suicide notes, and the actual event. I guess this is a coping mechanism we naturally employ when we run out of options.

5. On a positive note, I am able to conduct my work daily without interruptions and have not been an entire day off at work since diagnosis.

Sorry to annoy everyone with my negative posts. I am just alone out here. No company. I am currently addicted to this forums and have probably read all the posts here. 

I am just scared for the future. Please be kind to share some tips with me. I am only 26.

Any youngsters out there please let's connect. I'm a highly educated individual, fun, and not as depressing as I may sound here. 

[Jim Allen]

1)

Lots of reasons, were to start.

Its a forum, not modern social media, also far less going on to start with compared to the past, treatments are way better and, many people post frequent when newly diagnosed,but once they settle into things and/or perhaps heal from OI's or issues they have they move on with their lives and, no longer need this forum. A few remain to keep the place running and support those that do need us, but plenty of people are just living their lives.

https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=72318
https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=72444
https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=71906
https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=71799
https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=72472

To be honest, my goal as a HIV activist is that one-day in the future forums, websites or other media focused on HIV will be redundant! Though ill freely admit a few of the older members I banned for being shitheads, something I don't regret.

1A) Guests, don't let it bother you. Fact is most sites have more viewers than contributors, also given I kick the HIV negatives ones out or limit them there is not much point for most of them joining.

2)
I think you need to keep working with your doctor on any issue that arise and, consider seeking professional face to face therapy to assist you in this journey and coping with your thoughts (Anxiety/depression)

3)
See answer to 2

4)
See answer to 2

5)
You boss will not be putting on your grave stone "Here lies the Best Employee every". Not taking time for yourself is unhealthy.

See answer 2)

Answer to 2,3,4,5) including your other posts on the forum is:

Keep working with your doctor on any issue that arise and, consider seeking professional face to face therapy to assist you in this journey and coping with your thoughts (Anxiety/depression)

Aches and pain, chronic joint pain, limb pain, back pain, gastrointestinal problems, tiredness, sleep disturbances, psychomotor activity changes, and appetite changes. emotional/ physical and behavioral symptoms, low self-esteem, loss of pleasure and, sometimes, difficulty functioning.

These are all possible physical & mental symptoms of depression and/or anxiety disorders, I'm sure I missed a few in that list. Point being you need to work with your Doctor, seek a therapist and start looking after yourself. I did not make this one a sticky for fun, its sadly a common issue.  https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=69487.0

Anyhow you can't without  professional help figure out what is causing your issues, let alone attempt to work on moving forward, so do seek support.

Any youngsters out there please let's connect.

I'm not old myself, mate. 

Though you should be looking and ill say it again for face to face peer support groups
The internet is great and, its provided us with unique opportunity to connect to people otherwise not possible but it does not replace good old fashioned human interaction .... Oh wait, just read that back, guess I do sound old perhaps from your perspective   

Best, Jim

[Lamek]

  ;)Thanks a lot Jim. You are a life saver.

Yes I am looking forward to joining a support group soon. But in the small little town where I live is not very promising in that aspect. There's probably none here. But I understand the importance of face-to-face meeting that you are emphasising here.

[harleymc]

You're not stupid, you're stressed.

4. Throughout the day, everyday, I am constantly plotting my suicide...what I will write in the suicide notes, and the actual event. I guess this is a coping mechanism we naturally employ when we run out of options....

Forget your other issues, this needs to be addressed as the priority.  Just because we are living with HIV we do not need to be suicidal or otherwise unhappy.


Get help from your doctor.

There are a lot of other things you may be able to do to assist your own mental health and moving toward psychological wellbeing. but they should be used in addition to your doctor's support.

Some of the things that help are Cognitive Behaviour Therapy,  I used to do mine through a website, but this is also available via face to face with a counsellor or even via phone apps. Mindfulness can help, again phone apps are great.

Regular exercise, volunteering, practicing thankfulness, socialising with friends and family, volunteering and (furry) pets.  All these things will help but they are not instant fixes, they need a bit of practice.

Hang on in there and in a blink of the eyes you'll be like me, 34 years post diagnosis and wondering how life got to be so good.