Hurting

[RobbyR]

Hope everyone here is doing okay. I’ve been ok I guess, just keeping busy with life and work and trying to keep a good outlook on things I really believe in the power of positive thinking. But it’s been really really hard. I’ve largely avoided the dating scene because I’m scared to get too attached to someone and afraid of their reaction when I tell them my status. I recently met a guy who I really liked and I thought he liked me. For once, a guy seemed interested in me for me and wasn’t asking me for x pictures or wanting to hookup. We went on a few dates and I actually let my guard down, because he made me feel special. Not long back we were on another date and he shared with me that he was on disability for right now because he had a chronic nerve pain condition from a pinched nerve that debilitated him at times. I felt the moment was right so I shared my status. I told him I would answer any questions he had and explained what being undetectable is. He was completely shocked and let go of my hand and just seemed stunned and kind of grossed out. He said he would just have to think about it. I was really hurt by his reaction and immediately regretted telling him. But I felt I had to and was sure he would understand, but I felt like an idiot instead. In that moment I felt disgusting and gross. The date ended and I hoped he would think about it and come to understand somehow, but he texted me a couple of days later and told me that he could not date someone with hiv because it would limit how he could be with me and he just couldn’t. He then said why didn’t you tell me from the get go so I could have saved gas money coming to see you. I was just crushed and I haven’t gotten over it and I feel really alone and that no guy is ever going to accept it because I live in the south and being gay itself is still not exactly a ok here. None of my family know I’m gay let alone have hiv either. My friends know I’m gay but nobody knows I have hiv. I just see all my gay friends in meaningful relationships and I want the same and I’m mad at myself for opening up to that guy like that and I’m just scared to date now because it’s always going to come up at some point if things got serious but I just don’t think I’ll ever find love now. Yea I’m undetectable but I still am hiv positive and no damn thing can change that. Sometimes I just want to die. The only time guys seem to want to get to know me is sexual but this guy was different I thought but obviously he thinks I’m just gross because he asked me not to contact him again. It just hurts a lot.

[Jackmydin]

Hi Robby,

I'm sorry to hear how you were treated after being completely honest and truthful of your condition and yet being rejected because the society still held certain fear against your status. But I think you did the right thing and its the bravest act to do. Somewhere down the line you would have to disclose your condition to him if you two are getting together, so please don't feel bad and stupid for opening out yourself.

I'm in a struggle to fight for acceptance too, and fear to be rejected by people we love, or care for. To be honest I am yet to find the courage to be completely honest. But I try to convince myself if people couldn't accept the way I am then it's their loss because they choose to see the outlined condition, not seeing the real character inside me.

I'm sure one day you will find someone. Don't give up hope yet. Fight the stigma. We are all in the same boat and you are not alone in this. The most important thing is we did what we could to protect us and people around us by remaining undetectable.

Take care.

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

There will always be assholes in life ...

Really sorry to hear you continue to experience rough times and, really sorry to hear about this guys hurtful comments and attitude, obviously in hindsight this guy was not the right person for you, but it does not excuse him being so hash about it. Asshole.   

I just see all my gay friends in meaningful relationships and I want the same and I’m mad at myself for opening up to that guy like that and I’m just scared to date now because it’s always going to come up at some point if things got serious but I just don’t think I’ll ever find love now.

You're not mad at all and lets be frank rejection at anytime is not a great feeling. The thing is dating with or without HIV means facing possible rejection, its a risk that comes with the territory, i know its little conform as rejection can be really hard blow in the moment or during the aftermath.

Do try to keep in mind that each person is unique and just because this guy rejects you doesn't mean everyone else will. You are worthy of the love and respect, neither   HIV or this guys problems change that.

Take it easy

Jim

[harleymc]

just text him back and tell him what a loser he has been to pass up the opportunity to be with you.  Then block him.

He is unrepresentative swill.

 Not everyone reacts like that.

[Loa111]

What a nasty person! You're better off without people like that in your life anyway. They'd only treat you like crap anyway, and if it wasn't about hiv, then down the line it would be about something else.

I met plenty of women in my life (this is years before dx), liked some, and they'd be real shallow to me with rejection, same feeling as you have but just over different reason. Hurt at the time but would have been worse if it did progress.

Please forgive me everyone if this comes across as a bit of an ignorant question, but I am asking a genuine question... I assumed that people in the gay scene might have been a bit more educated about Hiv and U=U etc?
I guess not in this persons case!

Anyway keep the chin up & good things will come to you in time 

[Hope4life]

Sometime somethings works as filter to filter out the filthy people from your life. Thanks to your condition that these kind of assholes didnt get oppurtinity to come near to your heart.
We should be thankful to god for that.
See mate, rejections are part of life. Sometime peopel reject us because of our looks or sometime not being able to perform in bed as per their needs  (NOT in MY CASE) etc. In past you also might have rejected few because of one or the other reason. But your way of communicating that would have been totally different, cos you respected the feelings of the other person. Well that quality of yours,  diffeentiate you from assholes like him.....
I am a person with PWS (GOOGLE Port wine stain on my face: large patch). This condition worked as filter to remove all contamination from my life who think that i am less than them. I suppose D condition only gave me enough confidence to face HIV too. However i have been rejected cos of that. There were few peopel which were really gud in communication but they step back when they used to see my photograph (Though i look great but my mark made then stem step back). But belive me i was blessed with best GFs, friends, family etc who saw real me behind that mark. I know when i will be out as poz there will be many people to discrimnate me but i know one thing that there will be few in this world who will love real me and I WILL NOT GOING TO WASTE MY LIFE BY THINKING ABOUT THOSE ASSHOLES.
YOU TOO DO NOT THINK ABOUT THIS AT ALL. LOVE YOU.

[RobbyR]

Thanks so much everyone for the nice comments I’m feeling a little better now I’ve moved on I guess. Normally I don’t let myself get so attached but I thought this guy might have been it. Looking back, i saw signs that maybe he could possibly have been a jerk, so recognizing those little things in retrospect makes it a little easier I guess. Most days I never even think about my status at all. I just live my life. I guess when I do really click with a guy, that’s when I start thinking about it because I know it would have to come up at some point then if things got serious. The hookup culture side of things is different. All you can do is just keep putting one stilletto in front of the other and move on! It still hurts but I’ve learned how to deal with it a bit better I guess. I wouldn’t want to date such a shallow idiot anyway. I’m an eternal optimist, so I hope I find love one day, with someone who will accept every part of me and where honesty and openness is ok. I hope the same for all of you.

[Jim Allen]

Could have been worse thought, you could have married the guy before finding out he's an arse. It happens, thankfully you were spared that

All you can do is just keep putting one stilletto in front of the other and move on!

 , Yup.

I wouldn’t want to date such a shallow idiot anyway. I’m an eternal optimist, so I hope I find love one day, with someone who will accept every part of me and where honesty and openness is ok. I hope the same for all of you.

Indeed, and wishing you all the best. The right person will come along, this was just another frog on the path to finding your prince charming.

Jim

[fabio]

Hi Robby,I'm very sorry you had such an awful reaction to you being hiv positive. I'm sure that you will be in a relationship,because you seem like a nice person.
I know things are hard most of the times,but you gotta pull through all the ignorance about hiv. Sure there will  be people who know nothing or don't want to know about u=u. What matters is that you know and that some people can listen to you.
All I say may sound repetitive,but taking your own life isn't  a road you can take. It's the worst thing to think about. You are not alone in this. I do struggle myself sometimes,but somehow I move along.
I would suggest telling a friend or someone you trusted your status about how you feel on matters of dating,I'm sure it will make you feel a lot less sad.
Also,you have us here. You have me here (I know that sounds corny),but every day I enter this forum and when I see a post about someone who is sad or struggles with all that dating stuff I can't help but comfort them,tell them that things are and will be getting better,that alone makes me feel even a little happy that I have done something right in my life and done a little good (even tho I'm 23 lol).
So please try to stay positive as much as possible.
Virtual hugs 💚💚💚