The boy in the anger bubble.

[Dan J.]

I am going to explain this the only way I know how...

On Star Trek when the Enterprise is under attack from some hostile ailien or other force Capt Picard will give the order to raise the shields to protect them from enemy fire. Ido the same thing, but I use anger to put a shield around me so no one can get close. I am finding myself in that bubble of anger daily & it's getting difficult to break out of this cycle.

If anyone can give me any advice on how to break out of this " bubble of anger" it would be much appreciated.

Dan

[Peter6836]

Dan,
Perhaps you need to do something physical to release the anger. If you look into some experiential therapists like Anna Halprin or Gabrielle Roth, or perhaps Alice Rutkowski, you may find some techniques that help to release the anger. Aggression therapy can work well also. I find that using the body to release the anger can open me up to dealing with things on a more cognitive level. I like to say Dance it off. Do some research on these people and their techniques you may find it beneficial.
Peter

[fondeveau]

When I think I am getting angry, I try to think of the kind, loving, person whom I wish to be.  I count to ten.  Anger is gone and replaced with clearer thinking.

[Bucko]

Dan-

When the need to intimacy overtakes the fear of being hurt the shields are lowered.

But without understanding the source of your anger (not the current events which make it manifest) it will continue indefinitely. To break free of anger it is necessary to deal with the underlying cause.

Brent
(Who has worked through such things before with decent results)

[Dan J.]

I don't know what the source is but I am angry with myself, so I redirect it to people around me. I lash out and say things I know I don't mean & then hurt those who have good intentions.

Thanks Peter, I will do some research of the people you have mentioned...

I need help & I can't do it alone.

Dan

[Bucko]

I don't know what the source is but I am angry with myself, so I redirect it to people around me. I lash out and say things I know I don't mean & then hurt those who have good intentions.

Thanks Peter, I will do some research of the people you have mentioned...

I need help & I can't do it alone.

Dan

Personally, I'm more apt to direct it inward. For me it's an artifact of sexual abuse in my childhood from an authority figure I couldn't escape. I wasn't good enough then to merit approval and in my darkest moments it resurfaces. But ordinarily it is all under control.

Have you ever sought counselling for this?

Brent
(Who sympathizes)

[Dan J.]

I have seen a counselor before, but not for anger. Iwas sexually abused when I was young.  all my lfe I've felt like I wasn't "good enough" & that I would be better off alone. We all know that doesn't work. It's gotten to the point I have to tell Hermie I am "in a mood" when we see one another on MSN because I don't want to hurt him. He gives me space to work through it & then we talk when I am in a better place. That better place is getting harder find. & I don't only misdirect the anger I have toward hermie, it's everyone around me that can be caught up in the line of fire that shoots out of my fowl mouth. I never get physical, but we all know that verbal abuse can be just  as damaging.

[DanielMark]

Dan,

I lived approximately the first half of my 47 years in a chronic state of anger much like the one you write about. Mine was so deeply-rooted and familiar that I didn’t even realise it was there most of the time. I tell you this to say that at least you recognise it in yourself. That’s a good beginning to being able to change it, at least in my case it was.

Over the years since I learned not to direct that anger at others or inwardly to myself, which was more often the case. When I think back on those years now, I’m rather surprised I survived them at all in fact. I did things to myself that no sane person would ever consider doing.

Feelings, I’ve learned, spring from thoughts. Change the thinking and you can change how you feel. It also brings a sense of self control and allows a person to then choose what behaviours will follow. I’ve been seeing a psychotherapist for (literally) years and applying the lessons of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Although my therapist said we’d come to the end of our progress long ago, I asked to keep seeing him as someone I trust to keep and eye on my mental / emotional state, lest the psychological ravages of AIDS return.

It’s exhausting to be chronically angry. Be good to you.

Daniel

[Buckmark]

Dan,

I too have used anger to keep people out / push people away.  More often I just
isolate myself.  Why I've had some help and success in modifying those behaviors,
I'm coming to realize that I need to understand the underlying reasons if I am to
make a real change.  I suggest you consider contacting a therapist to help you
through this.  That's coming from my perspective, as someone who hasn't been
able to figure it out on his own.

Regards,

Henry

[planonstaying]

Recognizing you are angry is  a HUGE thing and  i think with any issue  recognizing   it is the  hardest part  of dealing with it. i  hope you are able to be gentle with yourself  and give yourself the credit for being introspective and self aware enough to see a problem.  A lot of people never  get that far.  Now, you are asking for help on top of recognizing  it? I don't have any answers but i do have an observation. you are  dealing with it proactively   and doing a hell of a lot better than you are giving yourself credit for.

[Bucko]

I have seen a counselor before, but not for anger. Iwas sexually abused when I was young.  all my lfe I've felt like I wasn't "good enough" & that I would be better off alone. We all know that doesn't work. It's gotten to the point I have to tell Hermie I am "in a mood" when we see one another on MSN because I don't want to hurt him. He gives me space to work through it & then we talk when I am in a better place. That better place is getting harder find. & I don't only misdirect the anger I have toward hermie, it's everyone around me that can be caught up in the line of fire that shoots out of my fowl mouth. I never get physical, but we all know that verbal abuse can be just  as damaging.

For me, the sexual abuse was a form of punishment meant specifically to humiliate. 35+ years on and the autopilot set then still goes off. But recognizing this is a first step in stopping it. Many others have suggested specific tyes of therapy to help deal with it. I urge you, Dan, to take their advice. Misplaced anger is highly corrosive.

[Iggy]

The real dangerous thing about being in the bubble is not who you push away but who you attract.  I've been there Dan and I am amazed in hindsight at exactly who seemed most drawn to me and their motivations.

I think the idea of a physical outlet is a good one, but it is also only part of the whole solution you need as the physical offers a temporary release and not a way of dealing with the anger long term.

Are you talking to anyone in a face to face situation about the anger?

[heartforyou]

Dan,

Let me start by saying that you once more surprised me when it comes to taking a few steps back and openly discussing your major anger problem. The most important step and a conditio sine qua non to find healing.
It is because you asked me to give my view on your anger that I reply openly on the Forum.
Not to lash out at you or to make public what happened, but only to hold up the mirror you want to look into and to share my experience.
As I did with my story on the darkest of all depressions, as the person undergoing it, I will now try to be the observer and narrator.
Dan and I are in contact again, so this is no attack on him, just a view of Dan' s anger from my angle on his request.

Your Forum family here has given very valuable advice in this thread, over and over again. With love.
Take one advice and put it in action.

On Star Trek when the Enterprise is under attack from some hostile alien or other force Capt Picard will give the order to raise the shields to protect them from enemy fire.

What I experienced on march the 8th, when I was at your home , was not caused by hostile actions as you stated in the above, but by the sheer pressure that had been building up in the previous months.

I was free at last and ready to sleep in your arms , but your mom wanted me to sleep in the guestroom.
In my case it was strong, white, pure love that made you pull back and raise the iron shield, a simple word of love.

You wanted to remove me asap form your life and told me to get the f***k out of your house.

It looked like you wanted to hurt the one that showed you unconditional love.
Could it be that you projected the pain of being sexually abused, by verbally abusing the closest person to you?
Being in control makes you the abuser, may it not be sexual, but emotional.

Even when you told me you realised yourself at Memphis airport that  a simple question had made you lash out at me with no reason, the anger was in control. You were not accessible then. You stuck the knife deep in my heart, over and over again, yet you were not able to see it, blind with rage.
Like in my depression, you are isolated, in a black bubble of anger.

I often wondered if your low self-esteem, that you often talked about on these Forums, left you with a feeling that you were not worth to be loved. Why not destroy the one that loves you, before it proves you wrong that someone really loves you for who you are.

Fear I believe,plays an important role in looking at your anger.
Fear of having to let go of being the abused child, in a very contradictory sense.
Afraid that, when you step away form your anger and let love in, you may feel the hurt that has been stowed  away, deeper then anyone can get. Yet at the same time letting go of the strange comfort of being a victim.

Love cannot heal anger Dan. But it can defrost your emotions, IF you let it in.
I fully agree that professional guidance is a must.

With this honest post you have stated you have a problem. Obviously the only true start to taking control over it.

Your anger smashed my heart, shook my world apart, and left me  shattered for weeks.

Look at the consequences and promise yourself to end your suffering end the senseless suffering from the one(s)
that love(s) you.

It shows your courage and strong will to change. I can only applaud that.

Hermie

[antibody]

when you get angry ask yourself this.

self?
Do i have a just cause to be angry?
Are my expectations being realistic?
Am i jumping to conclusions?
Am i misinterpreting?
Is this issue serious enough to merit the time and energy?
Will this issue make a difference in my life in the next hour, week, year?
Does my anger help me avoid communicating?
what do i gain by staying angry?

let go....
say what you think
practice empathy

[BT65]

Anger is always a secondary emotion.  You have to deal with the root of what's causing the anger.  Only then will you be able to let go of the anger instead of letting go of the people who love you.  Get a good therapist!

[ndrew]

The buddah said that you will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.

Love.

[mjmel]

Dan,
Perhaps you need to do something physical to release the anger. If you look into some experiential therapists like Anna Halprin or Gabrielle Roth, or perhaps Alice Rutkowski, you may find some techniques that help to release the anger. Aggression therapy can work well also. I find that using the body to release the anger can open me up to dealing with things on a more cognitive level. I like to say Dance it off. Do some research on these people and their techniques you may find it beneficial.
Peter

I like this line of thinking because it has worked for me. Having any anger issues on any given day for any number of reasons, I get my ass outside and do some work out in the yard or in the garage/barn/barnyard. I find this excellent therapy. The anger or frustration melts away. Sometimes the anger is channeled to a task I've been procrastinating about and voila! it gets done.
I've not had any issues with being angry about being HIV+, specific. It just occurred to me that being angry would be a self-imposed hurdle. Plus, in the early years I thought I was going to die in about 5 years (or less) and I didn't want to waste time being angry about it. I will add that I had unresolved anger issues before I was infected and therefore the resulting behavioral patterns & indulgences.
Hindsight: what a kicker.
Mike

[heartforyou]

The Buddha said that you will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.

How peacefully said ndrew.
When I look at the face one of the several Buddha's in my apartment,  I can just feel the peace come over me.
As if they want to tell me : what is all the fuzz about?
I then take one or two very deep breaths and reconnect with myself and Mother Earth

True, being in an anger bubble is a frustrating feeling, by which you will be punished indeed.
Angry people are ugly. Just test it out.

As Moffie so often says : we are the architects of our own life.

Love

Hermie