POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: kmfdm221 on September 26, 2012, 12:15:07 pm
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Long story short: I'm beginning to wonder whether or not it's worth living life with HIV. I'm a 23yo straight college student approaching the last few semesters of my college career. Since I became poz 2 years ago, I am yet to go on a date, wake up giving a shit about my day, or see a point to my future aside from waiting for a cure. With the mistake that made me poz, I was barred from the only sports I ever cared to compete in and have forgotten what the sensual touch of another human being even feels like.
Every counselor I have seen assures me that someone will see through my status and actually give a shit about me...but then again, none of those counselors were positive themselves. Is there ANYONE out there that, after becoming poz, actually has entered a relationship with someone they would have dated BEFORE becoming poz? By that I mean someone with which there is honest mutual attraction, rather than whomever it turns out is actually willing to date you. Obviously there have been a few women interested...but not exactly anyone I would actually go on a date with, despite the desperation. I just want to hear an honest story of a poz guy entering into a relationship that's not based on desperation and loneliness.
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My last partner was HIV-negative, and yes I would have dated him before I was diagnosed, by a long shot. We met six years after my diagnosis. (note: not to mean that I went six years without sex or other relationships, and this wasn't my first HIV-negative partner post-diagnosis, simply the one that meant much more to me and lasted longer)
Is there ANYONE out there that, after becoming poz, actually has entered a relationship with someone they would have dated BEFORE becoming poz?
See, to me this is your problem -- it sounds like you would have been completely repelled by someone that was HIV positive before your own diagnosis, so now that you are HIV+ you see yourself as worthless.
It's also a bit sad that you're automatically writing off other HIV-positive potential partners as choices of desperation.
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Sounds like you have had a lot to deal with. Becoming Poz at a young age while in college, stopping playing sports, and it appears that you still have some issues with yourself in becoming positive. Keep working on those issues, it does and can get better and a meaningful relationship is definitely a possibility.
Short answer to your question, yes positive people can have meaningful relationships with negative people (my partner is negative).
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It's harder in the young straight community, but it is not uncommon in the gay community for a neg person to date a poz person because we are so much more affected by the disease.
You may need to ideally find a poz girl to date, it's hard but try to find social groups in your area where you can meet such girls or even a neg girl who will date you.
I used to like some KMFDM songs from the 90s,
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Hi K, Im also a straight male of around the same age as you (28).
Luckily I have a girlfriend already (neg), she was with me when I tested poz and even thou we were not talking family, engagement or any future plans before I got the dx, she decided to stay with me. We are still together and things are going great. It has crossed my mind that if we were to break up , how would I find another partner? Who in their right mind would like to date a man with HIV??!!
I think I was one of those who wouldn't have dated a HIV positive women before I got it myself, serves you right huh?
But after some consideration and soul searching I understood what a jerk Ive been, how shallow my thinking was. I didn't know that much about HIV before but I was just scared, I wouldn't date out of fear and I lacked that ability to see the real person, I just saw HIV when looking at someone poz.
Today I believe I am a much better man. I am in a process of turning the diagnosis to something in my favor. Get me right I didn't want this virus, h*ll no, but in the light of this event I didn't only acquire a virus, I acquired tools to change myself as well. I have more empathy, compassion and sympathy for other people. I am a catch and the women who can see me for these new found abilities and characteristics , that's the women I want to spend my life with!
Dont give up man, but I think you need to start to find yourself. Accept who you are and build from there.
If you want to chat a bit, send me pm.
Cheers,
C
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Interesting thread.
Those of you who are in relationships with seronegative partners, I have a question for you:
Can you list out some specific characteristics of your partners or past experiences that your partners had that they all seem to have in common and which probably made them more receptive to dating you, which those who have rejected you on the basis of your status seemed to lack?
I am open to dating both + and - partners, however, after 2+ years living with this infection, I am realizing that a bigger dating pool is a better bet, especially for us heterosexual women who want children.
Thanks in advance for your responses!
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Hi K, Im also a straight male of around the same age as you (28).
I think I was one of those who wouldn't have dated a HIV positive women before I got it myself, serves you right huh?
But after some consideration and soul searching I understood what a jerk Ive been, how shallow my thinking was. I didn't know that much about HIV before but I was just scared, I wouldn't date out of fear and I lacked that ability to see the real person, I just saw HIV when looking at someone poz.
Today I believe I am a much better man. I am in a process of turning the diagnosis to something in my favor.
Dont give up man, but I think you need to start to find yourself. Accept who you are and build from there.
If you want to chat a bit, send me pm.
Cheers,
C
Close, C...but I'm in this mess BECAUSE I was willing to date someone who didn't have the cleanest bloodwork. If I had been MORE of a jerk I wouldn't be on this site! (god I hope no Ayn Rand fans see that quote and take it to the GOP) Considering that this disease prevents me from competing in sports that made this pathetic excuse of a life entertaining, I don't much like the new me. That's why I can't hold it against any negative individual who isn't willing to date a poz one. I would never ask anyone to risk the freedom and joy I still vaguely remember for this shit. I was an idiot to take such a risk just to be with someone so early on in life.
Your reply is a good thought, and I appreciate it, what with the advice of starting to find myself...but I liked the me that was coming around. And unfortunately I'm still that same me...only now with HIV. **** taking the path that HIV forces me into...honestly I'd rather force several grams of lead through my temple than 'live' such a life. I still have the same dreams and aspirations, and am still attracted to the same people...only now the feeling isn't mutual. Considering the last woman I was interested in is receiving tens of thousands of dollars in sports scholarships, I really don't blame her for vehemently turning me down: I wouldn't risk my present and future life--not to mention financial situation--over a date so early on in life, either. I'd approach groveling just to snag a date with her, but I will not attempt to change who I am to appeal to anyone, including myself...found out way back in grammar school that that isn't a very longterm solution
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Long story short: I'm beginning to wonder whether or not it's worth living life with HIV. I'm a 23yo straight college student approaching the last few semesters of my college career. Since I became poz 2 years ago, I am yet to go on a date, wake up giving a shit about my day, or see a point to my future aside from waiting for a cure. With the mistake that made me poz, I was barred from the only sports I ever cared to compete in and have forgotten what the sensual touch of another human being even feels like.
Every counselor I have seen assures me that someone will see through my status and actually give a shit about me...but then again, none of those counselors were positive themselves. Is there ANYONE out there that, after becoming poz, actually has entered a relationship with someone they would have dated BEFORE becoming poz? By that I mean someone with which there is honest mutual attraction, rather than whomever it turns out is actually willing to date you. Obviously there have been a few women interested...but not exactly anyone I would actually go on a date with, despite the desperation. I just want to hear an honest story of a poz guy entering into a relationship that's not based on desperation and loneliness.
No one will see through your status and "actually give a shit about" you until you start looking past it yourself.
Thinking back to when I was 23 there is a good chance I would have shared the same feelings you have about yourself. I know it's difficult, but you have to learn to look at your future differently. It is what you make of it. And, whether your status is neg or poz, no one will want to be with someone who feels this badly about themselves. It's not attractive. I may be wrong, but it would be my guess that most observers can tell something is wrong just by the way you walk and talk.
With that said, I have to commend you on seeking the help of a therapist. I advise you to keep going, however, work more on getting yourself to a place where you can feel better about yourself first.
Whether negative or positive dating and finding love can be tricky. Some are better at it than others and trust there are many negative guys out there who are lonely right now because they simply have no clue.
In my own experience, I've had success with both positive and negative women. I admit I was surprised at the time that someone who was not poz would want to have sexual relations with me, but I guess they knew more than I did at that time. I no longer think that way.
I am now married to a very positive woman, both in status and in life.
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I am glad to see you opened your own thread. I just responded to the negative post you made in another, so I repeat my response here:
Hello. I am sorry you feel this way. That said, i don't see how this is constructive input for our original poster, sjks520.
You are living partially in a self-constructed prison. There are plenty, PLENTY of serodiscordant couples around. I encourage you to open your own thread to hash out your frustration, anger and sadness. (OK, good, done!)
I was around in the 80's when dating or loving an HIV+ person meant he/she might drop dead in little time. Still, even in the 80's, there were PLENTY of serodiscordant relations around and HIV+ and HIV- people fell in love with each other, or just dated, or just had sex. All the possibilities. And it hasn't changed since then.
Its not a pollyanna world view to say that an HIV+ person is entirely realistic to expect sex, dates, love and relationship. You can start working on changing your hopes and expectations, or your black hole may get worse.
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. I'd approach groveling just to snag a date with her, but I will not attempt to change who I am to appeal to anyone, including myself...found out way back in grammar school that that isn't a very longterm solution
This is a good observation but needs to go further. You can't change your HIV status. Can't change much about the stuff you are born with - your physical and mental limits of performance, your looks, your character. But, sorry, you CAN change your self-esteem to see that you are worth dating, flaws and all.
Yes, the people who can't deal with you can't deal. But really, when your self esteem comes up, and you change to be at least charming and "ok in your own skin" as the french say, some women will be attracted and some of them will deal with whatever baggage you have. Just as you will have to deal with the baggage your love object carries.
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Is it possible to date a neg person if you are poz? Absolutely. My partner is negative, of course, it is slightly different -- we were already together for a long time when I tested positive. He didn't turn and run though -- we even got married on the 1st of this month. So, yes it's possible.
Now -- however, I think you need to forget about dating others until you get more comfortable with your diagnosis. It seems clear to me that you view yourself as "less than" and/or "less deserving" now. That is not a good attitude to have in a relationship.
Yes -- things are different in your life now, but I don't think we become different people, unless we let the virus control us, instead of learning to control it. I know that sounds crazy right now, but many, many on here can attest to the fact that it can be done.
I'm not sure why you can't compete in sports, as before -- you aren't "dirty" and you aren't going to infect someone through casual contact.
I'm glad you are seeing a therapist -- stick with it, be open with him/her. You MUST learn to like yourself again -- you didn't do anything "wrong" -- you simply contracted a virus.
Mike
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Hi
The first person I dated post diagnosis was negative. He knew me before I was diagnosed, and had a romantic interest in me.I was also very interested in him. After I was diagnosed and I informed him, he still wanted to be with me. We dated for a while, but for professional reasons and immigration I had to move to another country. We tried doing the long distance thing after that, but it was frustrating for me, and we decided to each move on. We are still close friends.
Currently living with my HIV positive partner...in love...and we have plans and a future together.
Please dont give up. It can still happen.
I also have two hiv pos friends who are married to hiv negative men.
Take care.
Karry
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Well, I was married when I discovered I had HIV, few months after, I separated my wife (she is neg) for other matters than HIV, Iīm 34.
After that, I started a friendly relationship with a girl (also neg) and disclosed my status to her, she has been very supportive, after some months we started a relationship, she makes me really happy, we talk a lot, without tabous, we just take many precautions in regard to our sexual life, nothing more, and despiste this, it is much more better than relation I had in the past...
HIV sucks, but there is always the possibility to find open and tolerant people that see you as you are and not as a "no option partner"...
Be well, meet people, try to keep positive attitude, be patient, well, there are no reason for you to change, real love donīt look your condition, feeling good with any one has nothing in regard to economic or health condition or whatever, Iīve always thought that people that discriminate donīt worth the time...
Also, I donīt understand why to stop doing sport except if there is an evident possibility to infect anyone else (like in boxing), anyway, there are many sport that can be practiced and generate a lot of satisfaction, in my case, sport has helped me so much and I found people very supportive there... You can keep a very good health condition despite HIV, despite treatment, in my case, Iīm still playing rugby at a national level, train 3-4 times a weeks, eat weel, no alcohol, no drugs, sleeping properly and I probably havenīt had so good physical condition for years...
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Long story short: I'm beginning to wonder whether or not it's worth living life with HIV. I'm a 23yo straight college student approaching the last few semesters of my college career. Since I became poz 2 years ago, I am yet to go on a date, wake up giving a shit about my day, or see a point to my future aside from waiting for a cure. With the mistake that made me poz, I was barred from the only sports I ever cared to compete in and have forgotten what the sensual touch of another human being even feels like.
Every counselor I have seen assures me that someone will see through my status and actually give a shit about me...but then again, none of those counselors were positive themselves. Is there ANYONE out there that, after becoming poz, actually has entered a relationship with someone they would have dated BEFORE becoming poz? By that I mean someone with which there is honest mutual attraction, rather than whomever it turns out is actually willing to date you. Obviously there have been a few women interested...but not exactly anyone I would actually go on a date with, despite the desperation. I just want to hear an honest story of a poz guy entering into a relationship that's not based on desperation and loneliness.
I'm sorry to hear you feel like that. One shouldn't let a virus which is handled so well nowadays bring one so much down...
May I ask what sport it is you can't do because of HIV?
And as somebody said up there... it seems like you yourself wouldn't date somebody who had HIV if you were negative... and that's not good. For you I mean.
And to answer your question - my last boyfriend is HIVneg, we started dating a year ago, for years after my diagnosis.
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Short answer ... Yes.
I've had negative partners (just one at a time) for 18 of the 27 years that I've been poz. None have sero-converted. I'm old-school about condom use.
Which sports are you banned from? I play softball, soccer and I cycle (not too shabby for a 50 year old). There are heaps of sports you can participate in without any hassles.
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I dont think i could date a negative guy knowing that i'm poz now. it would be a different story if you were already dating someone and you became poz, you would have formed a relationship.
for 'me' it would be too much of a risk. even if you are safe 99 percent of the time, there is always that 1 percent, accidents happen unfortunately. i know there are a few guys on here that do it and have great success, but it takes a special person.
i wouldnt want to be with someone that i couldnt completely relate to with some of the issues that poz guys have to go thru and also the sex thing is something you always have to keep in the back of your mind.
these are just my thoughts so dont beat me up too badly, just giving my opinion, i know some folks have different opinions and thats great too.
I suppose if the guy you are dating is ok with it and is ok with that fact that there is a possibility he could become poz at some point, then go for it.
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My ex boyfriend was what I considered a reckless driver. I knew when we were dating and yet I fell in love and we were together many years.
I had my say about (the speed mostly) a number of times, and he was often less reckless if he was driving me. Sometimes I would subtly arrange so I "happened" to be the one driving. I wouldn't say he was a murderous driver, and to date he has never had a serious accident that hurt anyone. Sometimes I would just think about other things, the pleasure of the day, and he drove, and so be it.
This weak analogy is in reference to:
"I suppose if the guy you are dating is ok with it and is ok with that fact that there is a possibility he could become poz at some point, then go for it."
I was't "OK with the possibility" that there was a slim chance he was gonna kill the both of us while driving. I'm not "OK with the possibility" that I'm going to ski off a ravine in the Alps. Though my favorite sport is undoubtedly a bit dangerous, I "accept" the small risks, even though i am not "OK" with them. The rewards of skiing as a sport outweigh the disagreeable risks. So, me and my ski buddies make every effort to ski responsibly, and at mountains that are safe, and we "accept" the risk, while being careful to diminish them. Everyday I see families on the slopes who are teaching their young children to ski. Can you just imagine the decision they had to make, about what risk they are willing to accept for their children. And yet thousands do.
I guess there are two different kinds of people in this world. And some people can really really fixate on a particular "risk" and not be able to overcome how disagreeable it is.
But, in the end, I would say, most people are not "OK" about risks. They just compensate it with the value of the reward.
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I think some of my thought pattern on this is a bit selfish in a way. i became positive because i dont like having sex with condoms. if you date a neg guy then you have to safe, thats why i believe in the sero-sorting. I give Kudos to those guys that can do it, but its just a personal thing for me i suppose.
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Hi kmfdm221 ,
I am a gay man , now 58 :o
Bob and I have been together for over 30 years , he is negative !
We were together many years when I was told AIDS would kill me :-[
Our relationship has changed , But I will say it is a good partnership . We married in 2009 :)
I am concerned about the possibility of transmitting HIV to Bob . I think that concern we all have about loved ones .
Also we have a few straight friends that are in POZ - NEG relationships . They are happy people .
The comment about " Happy in your skin " , I am finally happy in mine , HIV is not the end of the life you have started to build .
I also would like to know what sports are not allowing you to be active ?
For the most part , After a meds change a few months ago I can do most of what I want to ;)
I hope you stay with therapy , Life is still wonderful .
Weasel
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Dating negative people is definitely a possibility. I just think your goals in this whole situation are a little off kilter. I am a 20 year old male, who also has HIV but I refuse to let it get me down or define me.
First off, you are young and should focus on you right now. You are more than someone with HIV and until you truly accept that you will have trouble. You don't need to be worrying about being in a serious relationship anyways.
As far as dating goes... take the girls you like out on dates.. get to know them. You can kiss and hug them. You are allowed to show affection. Then if you find a girl you like who you think REALLY likes you and you are ready to try sex... then tell her. If she is the right girl she will love you no matter what. If she leaves.. then she didn't love you enough. Someone that wholeheartedly loves you and wants to be with you will not leave you because you have HIV. They will support you.
But back to the fact that you are 23... you don't need to rush anything! Who know what will happen with technology and medicine within the next 5 years even. Focus on yourself and other things in life and don't try to rush a relationship. Who knows.. maybe by the time you truly find the one.. medicine will be way better and things won't be so hard.
Also... please don't give up on life. There is so much to live for... and your family and friends would miss a life without you. Think about that before you do anything silly. You are a valuable individual and can do something great with your life. Just take some time to sort through things.
From one young guy to another.. I promise things will be okay.
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**** taking the path that HIV forces me into...honestly I'd rather force several grams of lead through my temple than 'live' such a life.
Don't do that. Don't force any lead into your brain. Don't shoot yourself. I know everyone has basically said the same thing, but I just wanted to reiterate that you really, really shouldn't kill yourself.
Bottom line: dating sucks. It f-ing sucks. No matter who you are or what you have to contend with in your life. And I can say that having spent most of my 20s without HIV. I'm recently diagnosed positive, and while dating hasn't gotten any better, it certainly hasn't gotten any worse (yay!). It sucks when you're negative, it sucks when you're positive, it sucks when you're straight, gay, bi, male, female, trans. Most people don't like it and people who say they do are either lucky or lying.
Fortunately, there is more to live for than dating and when you DO find an awesome person to date (and you will) it'll be great because it's something you've worked for, earned, and deserve.
Everything falls into place... but only if you let it, and only if you stay alive.
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bloodtype, you speak so true!
I haven't encountered somebody speaking so true on some forum in a long time...
Dating does suck!
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Dating does suck!
Maybe your doing it wrong
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bloodtype, you speak so true!
I haven't encountered somebody speaking so true on some forum in a long time...
Dating does suck!
Really? While dating can suck, I have found HIV has precious little to do with that fact.
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Really? While dating can suck, I have found HIV has precious little to do with that fact.
Do you mean for you, personally?
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Do you mean for you, personally?
Yes. In the twenty years I have been positive I have found many things that trump HIV in terms of dating and marriage potential.
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Recently, someone approached me from Scruff, wanting to get to know more. I told him I was trouble, and that I'd be willing to get to know him better, and perhaps go on a date after getting to know him a bit better. He sent me some pictures, and I sent some back. One of the pictures exposed my biohazard tattoo, and he asked me if I was positive. It wasn't something I was prepared to talk with him about yet, because I didn't know if I liked him well enough to go on a date. But I answered with truth.
He told me that my being poz was not an issue, although he was negative, and that he still wanted to go on a date with me. He even went as far as to tell me that he has many friends who are poz. At that point, I began to feel like he was second guessing it all - so I provided him with many opportunities for an out, but he didn't take any of them.
Needless to say, a date was set up, and I found myself having dinner by myself because he didn't show and didn't have the testicular fortitude to say he wasn't interested. It made me sad, because all I ever offered was friendship.
I've come to expect this from people... But find it somehow cosmically karmic, as it is, sadly, the way I once treated others.
-joseph
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Recently, someone approached me from Scruff, wanting to get to know more. I told him I was trouble, and that I'd be willing to get to know him better, and perhaps go on a date after getting to know him a bit better. He sent me some pictures, and I sent some back. One of the pictures exposed my biohazard tattoo, and he asked me if I was positive. It wasn't something I was prepared to talk with him about yet, because I didn't know if I liked him well enough to go on a date. But I answered with truth.
He told me that my being poz was not an issue, although he was negative, and that he still wanted to go on a date with me. He even went as far as to tell me that he has many friends who are poz. At that point, I began to feel like he was second guessing it all - so I provided him with many opportunities for an out, but he didn't take any of them.
Needless to say, a date was set up, and I found myself having dinner by myself because he didn't show and didn't have the testicular fortitude to say he wasn't interested. It made me sad, because all I ever offered was friendship.
I've come to expect this from people... But find it somehow cosmically karmic, as it is, sadly, the way I once treated others.
-joseph
What a jerk to stand you up.
Also, little aside, if you don't feel like discussing your HIV status to guys on the net to whom you are sending, you probably shouldn't send pics that show your bio-hazard tattoo....
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Call me just a Silly Ole Queen, but isn't that the purpose of said tattoo in the first place?
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Hey,
Ok, so I was diagnosed when I was 26, a few months before Christmas. Felt terrible, obviously lots to think about. I rang my ex, told him the news, but he was fantastic. Came round, slept together without sleeping together, he told me he still missed me, but I didn't want to deal with getting back together when still getting my head together. Ex was (and is, as far as I am aware!), negative.
Fast forward six months, I decide I just need to pick myself up and get back on the wagon. Chatted to a few guys, met one, before anything happened let him know my status. He was fine with it, as he had positive friends and wasn't prejudiced. We hooked up, I quite liked him, he never called back. BUT! Moral of story was, I realised I wasn't going to be a leper forevermore. Hey, I got used! Haha. So that turned a corner.
Forward a year, met a very nice guy, after about 3 weeks of dating before anything got serious, told him I had something important to say. Let him know I was positive, said would understand if he wasn't comfortable with it and no reflection on him if he didn't want to go any further. He had a think and the next day said he was fine, it was a lot to deal with (definitely!) but wanted to see if it would work, and wouldn't let this stop him. He thanked me for being honest. I'm glad, as we are still seeing each other about 18 months later. To be honest problems at the moment are that work takes us apart a lot, HIV is neither here nor there!
But it pays to be direct I have found - I'd still pick and choose who to disclose to, and steel yourself if the response isn't what you want. Of everyone I have told, they have been really understanding and considerate, it soon becomes way less of an issue.
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What a jerk to stand you up.
Also, little aside, if you don't feel like discussing your HIV status to guys on the net to whom you are sending, you probably shouldn't send pics that show your bio-hazard tattoo....
I didn't realize it was among the pics I sent... Thanks.
and yeah, it was kind of assholic - I gave him several 'outs' and he didn't take them. Rather, he chose to stand me up instead.
-joseph
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I really get the impression we've been responding to a troll, not a real PLWHA. Notice how he(?) ramps it up after positive responses.
I may be wrong, but I haven't read such a load of inflammatory crap in ages.