POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => I Just Tested Poz => Topic started by: clubbin1980 on February 20, 2007, 03:34:35 am
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i always thought i played by the books and never did anything wrong.... i dont hook uo, dont do drugs, and try to stay a person that is a good example...
i am a public figure in my gay community in my city which makes it more hard for me to ask friends and people around me where to go from here....
i have my aoopintment soon to go and actually meet my doctor and get the beginnings checked and tests taken... what should i do if anythihng?? i know one would say live ur life regularly.... but how....? ive never had to deal with such a big weight thrown at me....
and advice or just a person willin to chat would help.....
thanks clubbin1980
e-mail cutegayboyct22@hotmail.com
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Hey Clubbin,
I know exactly what you are going through. It is not easy to deal with such news! You know, I thought that you could get hiv+ just by having anal sex which I never did yet, I still got it. Sometimes we think we are being safe and maybe we are but I don't think there is such a thing as being 100% safe (unfortunately). However, things are not as scary and hopeless and they were before 1996. There are many medications out there. My advise is to go see your doctor as soon as possible. Get the labs done and see where you're at (what your cd4 count is and your viral load). Your doctor will guide you from there. Hey, I know is scary but you have found a place where you will get a lot of support! Believe me, things are not as bad as they once were. If you need to chat with someone, I will be happy to lend you an ear!
Cheo
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Hello Clubbin,
Hang in there! Things will get better.
PositivelyYours
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I spent my first three years raging and drinking...please don't waste your time the same way I did. Go see a doctor,get your counts,then you will know where you are. I know how terrifying it is but try and be strong. There are people here who will help and support you, including me. Take care x
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Hej Clubbin,
Im so sorry to hear about your bad news.. I and all of us understand what you going through. The first while(I cant say weeks ioor months as its different with each person) but it will get better. Ive been pos for over a year and the first few months were extremly difficult. I was told by a doctor that i would be back to my old self in no time and i did. Its hard to see that at first, it really is but im time you will. I got through it by reading and learning about the virus and i had support from friiends councelors and the WONDERFUL PEOPLE HERE!! Remain in a positive mindset. I have made a desision that i wont let this ything beat me and I wont give it power.. eat healthy, exersise and express what ever you need to.. here is a great place for that.. Just know your not alone.
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Now you will have to live with a big weight and it will take time to adjust. Alot of time. This is the first thing you must realize. Learn to find peace and then react. Life is different now for now you are feeling things that you never felt before or had to deal with. Welcome to adult-hood. This is just a bump in the road. Take care.
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Let us know when you going to doc and what's said. We're thinking of you x
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docotr is coming up on march 6th..... i dont have insurance and im going to get medicaid.. this coming week before my appointment....
the only problem the city im in isnt that big and i think i know the guy in charge of paperwork at the clinic... and im trying to keep it a secret.... and i know confidentiality laws r never followed.... come on we all know how fags are.... i just dont want it out....
i could lose my status in the gay community if people know im positive... i know it sunds stupid but im looked at as an example... i am a public face in the lgbt community..... any advice??
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There comes a time when you will have to choose between "status" and survival. I certainly hope you choose to keep your health.
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Your 'status' now is HIV positive.Harsh I know, but thats the truth. The main thing right now is to see the doc, (fuck the paperwork guy,if he talks he's out of work). Truly I am hoping for the best possible results for you. I'm sorry I can't give you answers but I guess my only sage advice is to remember that something once said can never be unsaid. Thinking of you babe, you know where we are,keep in touch
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Hey Guy,
There are a lot of very supportive, nice folks here who will help you adjust to this new time in your life.
We are here for you.
hugs,
rob
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i know i should look at it in the harsh light..... but i live my life to make others happy... and thats just me.. i will make sure im healthy but i do need to keep myself going and not let myself down...
the way i keep myself going is being who i always have been... and thats a person in the lgbt comminuty in my area.. and if they think im this great person they look up to.. i will not let them down.. regardless to my own inside issues...
i will let you guys know the results from the doctors.....
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Um, not to start a fight, but I kinda wonder what sort of role model you are if you think that having HIV constitutes a character flaw.
I myself ran a grassroots ASO for five years after my diagnosis, and there are MANY HIV positive people in places of import int he AIDS/HIV/LGBT field.
You think that having HIV will cause others to look down on you? What does that say about how you really feel about people with HIV?
Seriously.
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i dont look down on people with HIV at all... and never have..... but i know it sounds dumb.... but buffalo new york.... is not a normal gay community.... it is a community of viciousness..... and people wouldnt think twice about bringin someone down....
i am a public person... and i think at this early stage keeping it a secret is my duty....
but i will be looking for advice on what my tests results are....and not how im handling a "status"
stay tuned
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I am truly sorry to hear your news. Reading your post sent me back a few years to the day I received my news that i had tested positive for hiv. Then i find out I had the diagnosis of AIDS with a cd4 count of 140. At that moment I knew what people meant by the term "I saw my life flash before my eyes". I was consumed with this disease for a very long time, went out on disability, blew my retirement traveling thinking i was going to die soon. I even had planned out my funeral to a "T". One morning I woke up, then i kept waking up morning after morning and soon HIV wasn't the first thing i thought about in the mornings and the last thing i thought of at night. Before i knew it I was living my life as I did in my pre-hiv days planning for my future, raising my children and anticipating the day I had grandchildren. Trust me!! you will get to this point with this disease. ;)
(((HUGS)))
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but i know it sounds dumb.... but buffalo new york.... is not a normal gay community.... it is a community of viciousness..... and people wouldnt think twice about bringin someone down....
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I don't want to belittle your situation, but you can replace the word buffalo, New York, in your sentence and get a handy quote from homos in just about every city in North America.
Public figures don't really have it easy, but mostly it's because of perception and nothing else. You think that "people are going to bring you down" What exactly does that mean? I know plenty of self absorbed "public figures" who are positive and are just as self absorbed after seroconversion as they were before. It's all about how you handle it.
It's interesting to me how drag queens and leathermen in the gay community feel a tinge of celebrity. I remember standing on the stage at IML, proudly representing my city and state. I remember having everyone know my name. I remember drag queens raising eyebrows when I walked by. I remember that the world didn't come to an end when I was emceeing a fundraiser and I told the entire room that I too was HIV+. And, mostly, I remember that the only thing that happened as a result of that was... well... nothing. I did get another invitation to emcee another event though. If people talked about me, well that's part of being a public figure, I suppose. We get more upset when they don't. God, I'm glad those days are long over.
It is now time to focus on your physical and mental health. It might be appropriate for you to step back and spend time thinking about your motivations for keeping stuff secret. And if you really feel that your mission in life is to help others, you might come up with a couple ways in your head to justify how you can use your newfound status to help people understand what it's really like to be HIV+.
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Clubbin! I am active in my community with the local GSAs (Gay/Straight Alliance) and also with the GLBT political and social action groups (The local HDC just gave me their volunteer of the year award!) I decided to go public about my hiv status because I saw more opportunity to make a difference if I did. I have not experienced negative repercussions so far. I have been invited to help develop strategies for a state-wide hiv prevention grant, so that is one thing that has come of this. My heart is for the GSAers especially and if I can make a difference in even one life it would be great for me. I figure if people have a problem with my status I will let it be their problem and not make it mine. In the meantime, welcome to the forums and wish you the best of luck on your journey has a poz brother.
Best, Rick
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Club, I really do appreciate your concerns. And of course this is still stunningly brand new to you. It takes time get used to living with HIV. I'm glad you found your way to our site. Welcome!
Now, what I'm going to say may sound harsh to you. But I can't also help thinking fate has handed you something which can actually be an opportunity. You have a chance to be out again and proud. And don't misunderstand me. I am not suggesting that at this moment you go on Buffalo tv and announce your status. Your first priority needs to be to do whatever you must to take good care of your health.
You're a man living with HIV. You're human. You got this virus. Now you can still stand up in the community and be an example in dealing with this challenge. As time passes you may find there will be circumstances where you can decide if you want to be out or not about your status, where in fact your being out will be of real help to others in the community. And not just to gays.
What the hell good is the value of what you represent to that community if you have to live ashamed of something like this! What a huge burden to struggle with unnecessarily!
Take a breath and trust that how and who you are is enough including with HIV. No kidding.
The first thing is for you to be accepting of yourself. Right now the biggest rejection you're dealing with is from yourself. Respect yourself and others will follow. (And any who don't, f**k 'em, no kidding).
Keep us posted on how it's going.
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it takes an awful lota wasted energy in covering it up. like the other guy said dont run out with a sign on ur back saying "hey im positive" <i think they actually make these shirts>. but like u said people cant keep their mouth shut <human nature i think> and people r gonna find out and people r gonna talk...itza fact. r ya gonna lie about it? thatz an awful lota lying.
after 9 months iv learned to say 'what the fuck'. iv disclosed to 3 people. i know these 3 people or @least 1 hasnt kept their mouth shut. telephone calls from people all the sudden change. "how r u feeling?" "r u okay?" now y would people all the sudden start telephone calls like that?
you said uv always bn concerned about other people and i was like that.....well in my opinion thatz the first thing u gotta change! itz time to start thinking about urself. screw the other people.
let go of the disclosure thing! i know it seems like a big deal to start w/ but in the big picture down the road it aint. wait to u start dealing w/ the crazy doctors ;)
good luck
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so.. i went to the doctors and they took like a million tubes of blood...... i wasnt sure if i was gonna have any blood left... :-P
and results are on march 27th... they r also sending me to pharmacy class.... my best friend will be going with me so that way him and i can go through this together......
ioll give u guys an update when i find out.........
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Yes it does waste energy and cause unnecessary worry trying to cover it up, but I do and it's working out ok. I drive an hour to another clinic so no one in this county will know (the people at the health department know but I hope they don't talk).
Most of the bitches at the clinic are rude, but I don't think they would disclose. hell they won't even tell me my numbers after I get bloodwork. I have to drive an hour each way the next week because they won't tell me my numbers over the phone.
It sounds cold but we don't mean it to sound harsh. But you have to think about what's important. F*ck those losers if they like to gossip. Just keep your head high and look at the big picture. The big picture is you keeping on top of this and staying healthy, NOT worrying about some catty queens and weather they shoot their mouths off.
Talk to us on here; it saved my life and changed the way I feel about having hiv. Good luck.
Love,
Sam in 'bama
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hi clubbin,
yes I thought I was making a blood donation when I saw 16 tubes!!!!! But this is a sign that your doctor is actually checking EVERYTHING, not just your blood count, cd4 and viral load. It's good to have a global assessment of your system, and it takes numerous tests, and lots of blood.
Now what's "pharmacy class" ?
Milker
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im sorry guys....... i havent been back to my own thread in a long time....
i know i said i would give u guys my test counts when i found out back in march..... but they were good and i just had my 3 test done....
so far counts have stayed about the same....
cd-4 1202
viral 56
i dont know to much about what that means... but they gave me a chart to keep track of my results every 3 months... and on both they dont even touch the charts... so which i was told i would be "undetectable" as of now.....
that makes me happy....
i have also told a few people... havent made it public but not denying it either....
im starting to be able to live with it a little better now....
thanks for all ur support
clubbin
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Hi clubbin,
Your numbers are great, I hope they stay like that on their own for a long time.
Have you read the "Lessons" available on AIDSmeds? You will find answers to a lot of the questions you have...to make it simple about the numbers ...you want a low Viral Load and a high Cd4 count and that is exactly what you have, so this is good news for you ;)
I am glad to hear that you seem to be adjusting well to your new status.
take care and remember if you need to vent, or if you have questions the forum is here for you
Rich
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Great to hear clubbin...keep on typ of your health and I'm sure you'll get through things great. Keep up the good attitude!
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I just found out on 10-02-07 I'm HIV positive and found out today my wife is negative I'm so happy for her. I just feel kind of alone right now. The worst part of this whole thing is the guilt I was feeling about maybe infecting her. My T-cells are 323 and Viral load is 13,900. I'm gonna start on Atripta soon I hope its hard to get into see a Doctor