ok my story

[surf18]

ok i responded to another posters post of dealing with it.
i was never going to do this as i practice the law of attractiong and don't want to focus on any of this shit.
but I'm inclined to do this right now ,and part of loa is if it feels good and down stream you do it.
 here goes

i was feeling crappy,tired, etc, thought it was over training.
had a physical scd'd for June 30 th, they called me to set up pre lim blood work. i told them to test for everything under the sun as i dont feel good. she said std? I'm like sure. she said we need permission for hiv test, I'm like sure whatever. thought nothing what so ever. as OK i may not have had safeish sex, but my bf was the only one to you know in me. most guys we played with i always did with a rubber and a few i had didn't do the rubber thing but didn't you know in me. thought two did in 2008.
so i call my doctor two days before the physical and ask for lab results faxed to me, as they always did and i can look over and ask questions on the stuff like cholesterol etc..
my doctors nurse called me back and said uhhhh there not all back yet but Dr really wants you keep your appt
didn't phase me then but now it all seems so fucked up.
so i show up and the Dr comes in and he has this look in face.(god i hate even typing this, it brings it all back and  i hate going back into this worst moment in my life)
and he says is there a reason why you wanted and hiv test? i said well she said i should and he said she wouldn't .
I'm like whatever she suggested it and i said fine. he said your hiv test came back hiv positive. I'm like what the fuck. fuck you. your wrong.i want to fucking die right here and now. he admited he knew nothing about this thing.
i was like i want death now.im gonna get fat and scrawny at the same time.i wont live like this. he said call this dr. never did the physical. i had to actually go to the check out window and pay my fucking co pay them insensitive fucking assholes. really?25 f in dollars? god bill me! let me out the side door. i never went back to work. i layed in bed. my bf came over,we went to clinic i got retested rapidly and he did too. i was positive and he was neg,thank god for him. went to local crisis center.she was like oh wow NY state your lucky you got this here as there is so much cases here ,I'm in my head saying fuck you.
i said I'm telling my parents now. went and did that.god bless them.
my bf called my Dr  and he gave me ativan
god they knocked me out .  a completed blur for 3 days.thank god i dont remember any of that.
had scd trip to Florida,didn't want to go .but really thank god i did.
i told my mom i want the book the secret,to read about it again as i loaned my copy out and i really needed something to grasp. so i spent the whole trip getting reacquainted with loa.
helped so muchhhhhhhhhhh
came home did the Dr thing, had a load of 16000 which is low and CD of 220 which was low. i wanted meds asap. did them. viramune/truavada. told him my issues what i was concerned with, such as wasting,fat, etc.
he said this was a good plan.
two weeks later i had a rash head to fucking toe. said it was the veramune. took me off it. this was august, its now fucking dec and i still have it! are you serious?? went to dermatologist and he gave me some cream for face and arms where i still see rash, but man i still got it and I'm pissed off been what five weeks on this freaking cream twice a day and now another six weeks? grrrrrrrrrr
so oh yea in august my butt felt weird so went to walk in and she says yea you read that right a woman Dr saw my butt! shes like you got hpv ,I'm like OK . shes like now you gonna get anal cancer maybe.I'm like are you fuckkn serious....!!!!!!!! to deal with this too. ha
gave me cream for that, that seemed to clear it up thank god. but i still got irritation from ths cream so my butt is sore.
so yea I'm fucking miserable but trying so hard to mask it as i try to follow the principles of loa. but man I'm at my breaking point i dint know what to do. i had  a friend and we were out and i took two of her zanacs and had a great night.i was like woooowwwwww for the first time in months i ha vent thought about this stupid thing.it was great!
my confidence has dropped, i feel like i look old and nasty. i really got to get over this shit asap.
but writing this helped so much.
by the way load is ud and cd is 406
and if anyone actually read this blabbering post your the best ,love you!

[next2u]

hey man,

give yourself some time. the first few months can be kinda rough. the first few were rough for me but things gradually shifted back to normal. congrats on the cd4 count and sorry about the ordeal. but it can get better and generally does.

best,
d

[ElZorro]

Venting is a great first step, Surf. It does get better, but you have to experience that yourself to really, truly believe it. Hang in there!

[surf18]

thank you man.
you know i do realize it could be worse.god bless those before us. so yea im thankful for the gentle meds we are fortuante to have but man i just want this crap out of me,i want the cure. like we all do.
thank you for the kind words.
what i want is to be cured or spontaisosly rid of this ,and to remember the lessons and the new appreciation for life.that is what i want.

[surf18]

thank you el!
i dont know does venting focus on it? i dont want to focus on it.i just want to move on

[ElZorro]

thank you el!
i dont know does venting focus on it? i dont want to focus on it.i just want to move on

Good question. I'm not sure that venting actually focuses on it. For me, venting is great therapy for purging myself of something so I can move on. I warn people that work with and for me that I'm a venter. If something is bothering me, I get it off my chest and I'm "all better". Beats keeping it bottled up and letting it eat away at you. 

[surf18]

this has been a remarkable night . thanks all.
i think that venting has helped me. i have kept this all up bottled up and that maybe i needed to let lose and not worry that universe will give me more of this if i focus on it.

[wtfimpoz]

God, your post brings so much back.  The frigid and inept medical complex, the awkward testing, being told "you're so lucky" when you're obviously not.  In a lot of ways, I'm still where you're at.  All I can offer is my understanding and sympathy.

This forum exists partly to provide support.  Don't worry about the "law of attraction", sometimes you just need to vent.  There is no shame in that, and no "law of attraction" is going to strike you down for it.  I'd like to recommend that you seek out a real therapist, rather than a book.  They can be absolutely invaluable in dealing with these sorts of crises.  In the meantime, stop using drugs.  Xanax and alcohol might make for a fun time, but they're not going to help you cope with your feelings, they'll just help you hide from them.  I have no problem with a little recreational use of anything, but when it becomes a coping mechanism, you're harming your long term emotional well being. 

[surf18]

thanks man. i appreciate you taking the time to post.
yes your right.it was a fun few hours that made me forget for like the fisrst time in like four months but right it also made me realize that i got work to do. and i need help in dealing with this. i could go to my moms shirnk she told her about me, apparently she is very good and it would be easy to talk to her since she already knows. telling people sucks.,i had to tell my plastic surgeon,ugh that sucked.

[nychope1]

Hey Man... You seem like a really good, level headed guy. I think you were smart to get on meds right away. Like the others have said, give yourself time to mentally and physically settle in and get things in order.
Once your body has settled into the meds it becomes a typical routine.
Though I've been around I have been pos for only two months. Honestly, this forum has been more helpful then I can express. Reading about what other folks are going through and better understanding what I am facing has been the best thing for me.
You are going to be just fine. If you're not I'll buy you a beer and a shot. That will surely straighten things out!
J
 

[Jeffreyj]

Things do get much better with time. Don't be too hard on yourself. I commend you for telling your story, good for you!
Better days ahead.

[BT65]

Surf, it's great to vent.  It's part of the healing and accepting process.  And everything you're feeling is completely normal.  Many of us felt the same feelings and emotions. 

Emotions and logic are two different things.  Like for myself, if life throws a curve ball, at first I get pretty emotional.  Then, I tell myself to think about it logically.  When I do, it seems to help.  Like I ask myself, "how bad is it?"  and "can it get better?"  When there's hope that the situation will get better, I try to focus on ways how to help it get better.  Sometimes that means enlisting another person for their assistance.  Don't feel bad if you need to see a therapist for awhile.

I would also encourage you to get in touch with your ASO (Aids Service Organization).  They have people there who are trained to deal with emotionally fragile people, and could offer suggestions regarding a good therapist who helps people with HIV, help explain all the medical things that have to do with HIV, and may even have a support group, that can be of tremendous help.  Burdens shared are burdens lessened and all that. 

Thanks for telling your story.  Just hang in there, and keep posting and talking about it.  It does get better.

[surf18]

Thanks guys! Your all the best!

[Theyer]

One off the best vents I have read, had a touch off  'On the Road '

I am glad you have found it useful, you had such a casual intro to having your test I am not surprised the truck came along after the result.

Good to see your numbers going up

Excuse my ignorance but what is the book you refer to ?

Take care ,the rash will eventually go and thanks for joining in.
t

[surf18]

ha what is on the road?
yea for sure yea im a gay man sexually active but i never ever ever ever ever ever thought id be dx'd with this.never never never. other people get that.not me. why me?i feel great,i looked good,i didnt look sick. you know all the things we thought before we were dx'd with this.

the book that was my intro into the law of attraction was the secret. i credit that with saving my sanity and life when i re read it and others on my immediate vacation after the dx.

[Hoover]

Surf,
Remember that you are not alone!
We have all been in your shoes and we are still wearing them.
As the ads for the gay teens say, "It gets better."
Life goes on and we adjust to our new reality.

Big hug,
Hoover & Dr. T.

[Theyer]

On the Road--- Jack Kerouac----novel that is basically an autobiography. Published the year I was born in a grizzled Beat told me
1957
t

[newt]

In the end, it's just a virus - matt

[aztecan]

Hey Surf,

That was a great rant. I find them helpful myself.

I still do it on occasion.

As Betty said, the things you are feeling are certainly normal for someone newly diagnosed.

The first year is rather a bitch, pardon the vernacular.

Hang in there.

HUGS,

Mark

Oh, and Theyer, I didn't know we are the same age!

[PeteNYNJ]

In the end, it's just a virus - matt

Let this become your mantra and you will get through some tough times.