I've been a bad boy!

[Ann]

The main thing here that I take issue with (and I'm speaking personally, not as a mod, just want to make that clear) is the idea of asking a person their status. What a crock! Too many people ASSUME they are negative. Occasionally, people LIE. People should be taking responsibility for themselves and using condoms or not having penetrative sex if they are with someone whose status they don't know.

I acquired my infection while in a relationship. I knew he wasn't being monogamous and I knew I was risking STIs by not insisting on condom use. But, stupid me, I thought the worst he could bring home to me was chlamydia. Hiv never occurred to me - and partly because he had been getting tested every three months, for years, while he was working as an aide worker in the Darfur area of Sudan. He stopped getting tested when he quit that job, and acquired his own infection in the UK. Funny old life, eh?

I take full responsibility for my infection. I didn't look out for myself and that's nobody's fault but mine. I'm sure I'd feel the same way if I were infected after a careless, condomless one night stand - regardless if that person disclosed their status or not.

If I were still in a position to enjoy the occasional one night stand, I would make sure condoms were used, I would make sure they were being used correctly (a correctly used condom rarely breaks) and I would have no problem not disclosing my status. There would be no reason to disclose in those circumstances.

Oh, and if the person I was with refused to use condoms, I would refuse penetrative sex and I wouldn't feel I had to tell the person why. No condom, no intercourse.

Ann

[sweetasmeli]

I for one am relieved that Jerry clarified things here about what happened. I must admit I was hopping around quite a lot about the issues raised in this thread last night, not knowing what to think, so thanks for the clarification, Jerry.

I do believe that as adults we are all responsible for our own sexual health. However as someone living with hiv, I believe - as someone with that extra vital bit of information - I have an extra bit of responsibility. Just my opinion.

As far as unprotected sex goes:
I for one could and would never engage in unprotected sex anymore - even of the one night stand variety. Yes, the other person may be being irresponsible in taking the risk, but I believe a hiv+ person is more irresponsible - not to mention reckless - by knowingly putting another human at risk. Again, just my opinion.

As for protected sex:
I have made the personal decision to not even engage in protected sex with someone now without disclosing first. I understand that that's not absolutely necessary but it's about what makes me comfortable. I would rather run the risk of being turned down rather than run the risk of a condom bursting and having the uncomfortable job of disclosing then...Just my personal choice.



Melia

(edited by request to remove personal information)

[bocker3]

Interesting how the word "responsibility" causes such churn.......  

Here is what I see are the key points around responsibility in this issue:

1.  Does everyone have primary responsibility for his/her own well being (i.e. using condoms when having intercourse -- YES -- whether you are positive, negative or unknown).  If you go from negative to positive, it is your responsibility (aside from rape, of course).

2.  Does this mean that I have no responsibility as a positive person?  Absolutely not!!  In my mind, my biggest responsibility is to insure that MY VIRUS STOPS WITH ME.  Just because someone else is OK with being "risky" doesn't give me license to neglect this responsibility.  I have no desire to give this virus to anyone else -- even if they want it.

3.  What about disclosure -- there probably is some "wiggle room" on an ethical level IF YOU USE CONDOMS.  However, there isn't a whole lot of "wiggle room" on the legal level in the US (can't speak for other countries).  Personally, I could not imagine not disclosing -- but that is me.  It seems to me the primary reason for non-disclosure in "casual" settings is less about maintain privacy and more about maintaining the opportunity to get laid.

I know that some may disagree, so be it.  I will try to keep an open mind, if someone can help me understand a rational way to get around #2 above.

This post is not directed at anyone, but at everyone.  I think Ann is spot on about taking individuals out of this discussion.  Although I do have my sense of right and wrong, I try (and often fail) to leave the judgement of individuals to a higher authority.

One last note -- I think some are being far too sensitive about Grinch's comment over how crappy life is with HIV.  My life hasn't changed much since my diagnosis, aside from daily pills, far more doctor's appts, etc.  I would not classify my life as crappy at all -- same job, same partner, same daughter, same grandkids, etc, etc.  I WOULD, however, classify having HIV as crappy -- anything that I have, but would give up in heartbeat if I had the chance, certainly falls into the "crappy" category in my mind!!

Mike

[Cliff]

Cliff, I have to respond to your following comment:
Speaking as an ex "neggie" now involved in pursuing police/court proceedings against my ex, I felt I had to speak out here. You know my history and I think you know that my action against my ex is not in any way about avoiding personal responsibility. I realise what you were getting at with what you said here but I just wanted to say either be aware when you are making such sweeping statements that there are more often than not exceptions to every scenario. Or perhaps be more specific with exactly what you mean. Just saying...

Melia,

Thanks for pointing this out.  Yes, I do know your history and the criminal case you are pursuing.  And I know of another member here who is doing the same (civil case).  I agree with pursuing cases such as these (both situations), so my sweeping statements were overreaching and not thought-out.  Thanks for pointing it out.

What I meant to say was that some guys (and gals) expect people who are HIV to always disclose (or even avoid sexual contact) and they mistakenly believe that because there is a law governing this area, they have nothing to fear.  The law doesn't take away personal responsibility to engage in protected sex.

Cliff

[DancerBoy]

This doesn't mean every aspect of every bodies life is crappy, it means on the whole living with aids sucks. 

I know everyone is gonna boo me for saying this, but Living with AIDS doesn't suck...  If you're LIVING.
It's dying from AIDS that sucks. 
I'm just saying...
-D

[skeebo1969]

I know everyone is gonna boo me for saying this, but Living with AIDS doesn't suck...  If you're LIVING.
It's dying from AIDS that sucks. 
I'm just saying...
-D

  I don't think it sucks at all.  It's definitely caused me to wake up and enjoy life on a different level than before.   I still remember last year when I was Baker Acted leaving the crisis center, some woman gave me a look like I was the scum of the earth.  Not due to HIV, but because I was barefoot and disheveled looking in the middle of Downtown Miami...  I knew then changes needed to be made.   It's been a long, hard road but I am happy with the results so far.

  Thomas

[scotttt]

Just my two cents.

1) If you are HIV positive and you don't know for a fact that your partner is also HIV positive use a condom for ANAL or VAGINAL sex.

2) As far as oral sex goes, I really think the odds of transmitting the virus that way are slim to none.  The UCSF study demonstrated it and my own anecdotal experience has convinced me as I have had oral sex (giving and yes swallowing) countless times to people later found out to be HIV positive at the time.

I agree, it is everyone's duty to take care of their own sexual health.  However, wouldn't it be nice if we tried to take the high road and protect those who aren't protecting themselves. 

Remember, not everyone entering into a sexual encounter is doing so fully aware of the consequences.  Some people are impaired by drugs and alcohol.  Some people are severely depressed and at that moment in time care very little about what happens to them and to their health.  Some people are severely mentally ill, and not culpable for the decisions they are making (yes, severely mentally ill people have sex too).  And let's face it, some people are not fully aware of what constitutes risky behavior.  I still know many people who think that "topping" poses no risk, and that as long as you pull out before ejaculation, you are having "safe" sex. 

In a perfect world where every person is entering into a sexual encounter with a clear mind, an educated frame of reference regarding modes of transmission, and the emotional capacity to make an informed decision, we wouldn't have to watch their backs as well as our own.

This "It's everyone's responsibility for his or her own sexual health" is great in a perfect world as I said before.  But it just isn't that simple. 

I would hate to think that those of us who know the real suffering this illness brings will not take an "everyman/woman for him/herself attitude".

I know it is a dog eat dog world, but I think we can put kindness first and look out for the interests of others.  No orgasm is worth putting another person's health at risk.