my story

[snoofle]

I feel like I have never really had the chance to tell my whole story. I tried writing in this blog thing, but it was too confusing and figured the best place to get everything out is here, with people that understand.

I have been in a relationship with one guy for 5 years. We're both Indian and it was absolutely perfect, because my parents liked him and his parents didnt really mind me..so it seemed like it would work. When him and I chose to have sex for the first time, we were both virgins and didnt think to use protection, since we were eachothers first and figured pregnancy was our primary concern so I went on birth control for the first three and a half years of our relationship.

In our five year relationship, my boyfriend's mother and father both died. In 2003, my boyfriend father died from pneumonia, but later found out it was PCP. And 3 years later, his mother died from wasting syndrome. I didnt know it at the time, but they both died from AIDS. And to make life a little more difficult, i found out he was HIV positive and he had known about it for 6 months and taking meds for it and never told me. I found out because my mother had heard rumors and she decided to voice her concerns; of course, I was in complete shock and confronted him to which he confessed three days after i confronted him.

Now my next huge concern was my own HIV status. I immediately got tested about three weeks after our last unprotected encounter..I was negative, but I wasn't comforted since I knew there was at least a 3 month window period and him and I were having unprotected sex for nearly 3 and a half years. In my mind, I had already come to terms with the disease and fully expected a positive result. During the next 4 months, my boyfriend got extremely sick with fungal meningitis and he couldn't walk, he went blind in one eye, and lost nearly 40 lbs.

At around 4 months, I tested and was negative! I was so happy but was now left with dealing with his disease..whether I wanted to stay or leave; whether I should be angry at his betrayal for not telling me about his status sooner or understanding why he didn't tell me..I decided to stay and not let this disease scare me away.

I later found out that my boyfriend's mother would've been perfectly fine if she took her meds, but she refused because she was in complete denial about having AIDS. The stigma and shame surrounding this disease made his mom not want to live anymore and I can only imagine how many more people, around the world, have refused medication, because they just don't want to believe they have AIDS.

It has been a year since my boyfriend was hospitalized and he can walk, but not like he used to. He is still realllly skinny and alot of our friends, who have not seen him in a while, dont even recognize him. I sometimes question God, why did my boyfriend have to get AIDS when he never did anything wrong in his life? and why was I the one who had to fall in love with him? I dont regret any of the decisions I've made, because he is my great love, and I like to think that God made me go through this for a reason. After years of unprotected sex, I'm thankful I didn't get the disease; I still sometimes cry myself to sleep knowing that he will probably die prematurely from this disease and I will feel alone. I can only hope that the future will bring better medicine and maybe a cure.

[komnaes]

Hiya Snoofle,

First, I wish you a wonderful holiday season and it's great news that you stay negative.

I don't know your religion exactly, but I would hate to think that there's this supposedly all loving and forgiving entity that has power over everything we do would give diseases like HIV to people just to teach them lessons. I grew up Catholic and it used to puzzle me a lot, like the Book of Job, which is mainly about God playing a cruel joke on one of his most beloved subjects. All those "whys", and whenever I asked I was told to shut up, because we were not allowed to question "Him".

At this moment of my life I don't see what I do is dictated by any outside forces other than myself. I am solely responsible for my HIV status, like all other decisions that have led to consequences in my life, good or bad, that I am living with now. If it's your faith that what you're dealing now is a divine intervention, I can totally respect that - but like Job says in the Bible - one never asks or doubts God why one deserves all the good things in life - like good health - that we have taken for granted; so why asks and tries to figure out His intentions when you're dealing with tough times?

Remember, a "stigma" can only hurt when one internalizes it. Yes, the society is hateful to us, but we don't have to hate ourselves. We can chose to love ourselves. Be well and fight against the expectation on us that we will all die horribly and miserably. Seeing it as a "punishment" does not help anyone, especially when most people are so willing to point their fingers at us.

Your boyfriend is blessed that you're here for him, and you love him. Both of your lives can go back to some normalcy - but first he needs to get his health back, both physically and psychologically. It's unfortunate that his mother died because she refused to take meds. He needs to avoid going down that road - many people, even in the first world, have a hard time securing medical supplies and if in wherever you're based he's receiving the right medical attention, he should see it as a blessing too.

What has happened to his parents are already in the past - look ahead my friend. This is certainly not the end, and you're here writing your own and helping him write his ending when the time has come. We, with or without HIV, have to meet that inevitable ending some days, whether it's happy or tragic one it's up to you and him.

Hugs, Shaun

[xyahka]

Hi Snoofle, i used to work with an Indian girl from Baroda when i lived in Moscow, i think i sort of understand a bit the way of thinking of Indian culture...at the same time the fears it may bring when facing a diagnosis like this one. As for now... i agree with komnaes, the best to do now is to look at the future and make it better and i am sure God will always be on your side.

Big hugs from Juan Carlos (who forgot the few Hindi he learnt)

[Dachshund]

Just remember this is a virus and has nothing to do with God. It is not God's retribution for your sins. It is a disease and I hope your boyfriend treats it as such so his health will continue to improve. I'm sorry you and your boyfriend are going through this and wish you luck. 

[Robert]

oops.......wrong thread....sorry.

robert

[majik13]

My wife and I got married even though our doctor told her and me that I were positive.And we continued to have unprotected sex for a year we both was denying what the doctor said to us.But what made me get tested again was when i got drug treatment methadone.That is when I told my wife, for now on, we going to use protection.And she is negative today.
Some times I look at her and thank God she wasn't infected.And if she was, I couldn't live with my self.Because I love this woman and she is loved by everyone.

[majik13]

Can of simular to my story.But my wife and i was in a state of denial.But after I got tested again,and she was neg.
ever since I was so happy.All the grand kids that love's her so dearly i would have just died.