It's been 5 months now

[Diamond]

I have been going through all the emotions from one extream to the other since I tested positive in May. But just last week the feeling of being alone and anger has resurfaced. For one my x-boyfriend (who infected me) has had opportunities to apology to me yet never even parted his lips to say anything. For two I met this guy last month, I thought that he was cool, but I brushed him off because of my HIV status is limiting me some what, of trying to move on and date again and that's where the anger comes in. I tend to ignore the men when I'm out because I don't want to mis-lead anyone, and in a way I fear of getting close to anyone because if I do I will have to tell them of my condition and the out come....well, I just may not be able to handle.   

[atlantabro]

Hey man...I completely understand. I'm kinda going through the same thing. Recently diagnosed as positive, it's been tough meeting and furthermore, dating. Ideally, I want to be completely open and honest from the get go, but the fear of rejection keeps me from doing so. Ultimately, I have to stay true to myself. If someone can't accept you or love you beyond or despite your status, then they're not right for you in the first place.

The emotions that you are feeling can and will be intense, but you've got to stay focused on you. Don't think about your ex-boyfriend. If he can't apologize, then don't sweat it. The guy that knowingly infected me has gone out of his way to avoided me as much as possible. It sucks, but there's nothing you can do about it. Keeping yourself healthy: physically, mentally and emotionally should be the utmost priority for you. No one else can do that but you. And please do not let your status define or limit you. You're more than that. Hopefully, you will get to a point where you can disclose your status to the right person at the right time. It takes time but it will happen.

It will all be ok. I'm here for you. We're all here for you.

[Eldon]

Hello Diamond, it is Eldon.

It is unfortunate that you have tested positive. You are not alone and it is a good thing that these forums exist for us. It is an excellent way to build or add to your current support system. As far as your "X" BF is concerned, he is more than likely experiencing some guilt on his side and he does not know how to talk to you about it. However, what is important right now is that you take action with your health. Focus on you.

I wish to extend to you a warm WELCOME to the forums. Here you will find encouragement, understanding, communication, support, some cries, some laughter, and many of your questions answered relating to HIV/AIDS. Please DO feel free to express yourself as we do have a great group of people who are listening as well as answering you.

Please DO take the time to read through the "lessons" section of the site to further enlighten you on HIV/AIDS. This is located on the upper left hand corner of the page.

Again, Welcome! and make the BEST of each Day!

[northernguy]

Hi, my 1st post - I'm five months into living with HIV too.  Still going through bouts of anger at myself for letting this happen.

I'm confused though about labs - I suspect I was infected in 2003, based on a seroconversion-like illness I had in Oct.  But my 1st set in April (shortly after a stomach bug) came back CD4 600, VL 10,000.  Three months later it was CD4 800, VL 9,400.  Why do some other posts here mention VL of 300 after a much shorter infection time? 

Meanwhile my scalp and face are flaking off!  Doc says its seborrhea but don't blame everything on HIV, it could just be genetic (always had sensitive skin).  Is this common, will it pass, or only get worse?

[slimbimale]

It's normal to be pissed off about being infected ...I was very pissed..but what helped me get Thur it  was acceptance ..I knew there was nothing I could do to change the fact that I had AIDS..The only thing I can change is what to do about it and I don't know what your beliefs are ..But the Serenity pray works very well ..not just saying it ..but to put it into practice of how I live my every day life ..As for the skin peeling ..I went Thur that also ..try T-gel or Tar shampoo , use it all over where ever you have flaks ..if that doesn't work ..you may have to see a dermatologist..there are some creams out there that works great ..Good luck and remember ...that were here for you to help you get Thur this ..Just like someone helped us when we were in the same spot your in ....hope to hear back from you

                                              Jim

[ndrew]

Hi Diamond,

I still have moments of anger at myself and the other person, even though its been over 2 1/2 years... gets better though.  Dating and disclosure is a difficult cookie.  It's hard to open your heart when its hurting or angry.  Take it slow.  You could just focus on having fun and meeting friends and as you become more comfortable, you will become more open...  I am not one to talk, however there are not a lot of dates for me to have where I am...

Kindest,
Drew

[Diamond]

I know in my heart that I'm going to be OK. It's just I didn't know exactly if I was being over emotional or if this was I would normally be going through. Like I haven't been angry like this since May. I pray and make my health where it needs to be. I remember the counselor who tested me said the first year is like a junkie going through withdrawl, on the shock of everything I didn't know what he meant by that. I just take one day at a time some days are better then others.

[Regretsafew]

I hear you...  I'm feeling exactly the same... 

big hugs to you guys


Joey

[Arkan]

I hear ya!!  I am starting to have the same feelings. Although my BF and I still together he has changed quite a bit after I gave him the news. He is not positive and I am glad we always used condoms. We are more like best friends now and I understand he is ready to move on. I wish him the best. It's all cool. But I've been thinking that if I were to start dating tomorrow were should I start. Other guys are scared to get infected all the time, I sincerely will rather date positive guys. But most guys are not openly gay and positive. Does anybody knows about a dating scene for positive gay guys on line or anywhere?

Best to all

[Diamond]

I also feel like I would have to date someone who's positive too, just because I feel like negative people are not even going to be with me. But so many people are not open about their status, like it's been 25 years and still HIV/AIDS is look down upon. When I'm walking around I look at people and I ask myself who's out here like me. I would never know, the guy I'm looking for might just be there in that crowd of people, but because of everything is so hush, hush. I'm having a hard time of if I do meet some one out there I don't know if I really can trust this person if I reveal that I have HIV. Because one thing I don't want to do is mis-lead anyone, that's why I would feel more comfortable going some dating service where I know we are all dealing with the same thing so if there is any rejection it's not because of HIV/AIDS. I told myself now if a guy try to talk to me I'm just going to tell them I'm married or something so I can by pass an awkward situation. But I an so ready to date again, where can I go?

[aztecan]

Hey all,

Diamond, I welcomed you in the thread in Living With, but I'll repeat it here. Glad you are here.

To all of you who are discussing feelings of fear regarding dating and the emotional rollercoaster you are now on, I can't really offer words of solace, but I can offer experience.

I've been turned down, walked away from and told to leave when I disclosed. At first, it was very hard to accept. I felt soiled, as though nobody would want "damaged goods."

But, over time, it has gotten better. Now, if they walk away, I figure it is their loss.
I also understand their fear. Were I in their shoes, I'm not sure how I might react. I would hope I would be more accepting than some have been with me, but I'll never know because I became positive before anyone knew what was happening.

Diamond, my dear, I would ask that you do one thing. Try to put the anger behind you. The guy who infected you may never apologize. That's just the way some people are. If he does, great, but don't expect it and don't let it eat away at you.

Now, look in the mirror. Do you like the person you see? Do you love the person you see? If you don't, nobody else will either.

You aren't damaged goods. But neither are you the same person you were prior to being infected. The bug changes things, but it doesn't put an end to living, to your hopes and dreams.

I don't know if this is much help. But, after more than 21 years living with the bug, it is what I have learned.

Will you get shot down on the dating scene? Probably, I know I did. I also have had more than my share of successes, even after I disclosed.

If you love and believe in yourself, you can take whatever the world hurls at you. What's more, that attitude will shine through you and people will notice.

A quick note to northernguy: Don't compare your numbers to others'. How the virus works in me is different than how it works in you or anyone else. There are some generalities, but each person is different.
For the record, my viral loads, prior to meds, used to hang between 12,000 - 13,000, Well, at least the first couple did. That test wasn't available during the first 10 years I was infected.
Your numbers look great.

HUGS,

Mark

[northernguy]

Thanks for the welcome

Most of the time I think I'm doing OK with the diagnosis, but then a sore throat or something sends me into a panic!   My GP, who has a lot of HIV patients, says I'm allowed to get sick, and not to blame it always on HIV. Sometimes its tough to remind myself of that.

[jms79]

Meanwhile my scalp and face are flaking off!  Doc says its seborrhea but don't blame everything on HIV, it could just be genetic (always had sensitive skin).  Is this common, will it pass, or only get worse?

hey....i had a problem with flaky skin on each side of my nose, and a little in the middle of my forehead, my hairline, and behind my ears.  it seemed to happen when it was colder out.  i did some reading about random things to help....i did a little tanning which seemed to really help, and i bought this Neutrogena T/Gel and put it right on the problem spots for about 10 (or 5 for some), and now its gone. 

[minus_25]

I feel like that too.  I used to be a very social, outgoing person when I went out and especially when I was attracted to someone.  Now I kind of feel like, "why bother?  They're just going to get freaked out or quit speaking to me when the time comes for me to disclose my status to them."  One of my best friends keeps telling me, "don't worry, you'll get your groove back."  I just wish I knew when.

As for the flaky scalp issue, use Nizoral - http://www.amazon.com/Nizoral-AntiDandruff-Shampoo-oz-200/dp/B0000532N9/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2/002-6102813-8702454?ie=UTF8&s=hpc&qid=1176665104&sr=8-2

After trying both Head and Shoulders and T-Gel, I can honestly tell you that THIS STUFF WORKS, AND FAST!  I noticed results after just one use.  Just remember to leave it in your scalp for several minutes while you're showering.