Confused more then ever....can't cope

[i_am_scared]

From the moment my partner tested HIV on his first rapid test (waiting for western blot results) I have been searching the net and reading up on HIV. It has got to the point where I have information overload and I can't cope anymore. Its been 4 days since we found out and i think I amhaving a break down. Maybe I am a drama queen.

I love my partner very very much and we are both attacted to each other. He is in Canada and I am in Australia.  In 10 days we will come together. We will marry on March 4th.

We talk to each other about 35-40 hours a week on the phone plus text messages, emails and cam. During these chats I put on a strong face. Once he is gone, I just break down and cry. I cant'e keep a strong face all the time but most of the time we speak, I do.

Since reading up on HIV, learning all i can it and have found some very interesting stuff on the net. Then there is the AIDS denialist. Kary Mullis won the 1993 Nobel Prize in Chemistry for his invention of the polymerase chain reaction technique for detecting DNA. This is the technique used to search for fragments of HIV in AIDS patients. This guy does't believe HIV causes AIDS. Then there is Dr Luc Montagnier who accused Gallo os stealing his HIV sample now says HIV doesnt cause AIDS. He helped find HIV.

A congressional investigation determined that Gallo had presented fraudulent data in his original paper on HIV, and that the virus he claimed to have discovered had been sent to him by Montagnier. Negotiations were conducted between the French and American governments to establish discovery and patent rights. These ended in a compromise, with Montagnier and Gallo sharing credit as the codiscoverers of HIV and ownership rights to the HIV test. Montagnier has since stated that he does not believe HIV alone is capable of causing AIDS. (Baffour A Are 26 Million Africans Dying of AIDS? December 1998 New African Magazine p34-42 )

What is one to believe. My partner being HIV+ doesn't change the what I feel for him. It make me appreciate him and life more. I am so affraid to let him go and when we say good bye it hurts. He feels the same way. We are so physically and mentally attached.

I spoke about sex with him today. I want us to have a normal sex life (using protection) and do all the things we talked about. At this moment, I just want to hold him and feel him. Sex is the last thing on my mind right now. I asked him if we can take things slow and not rush into the sex. He said thats fine, he will do what it takes to make this transition easy.

I also feel like slapping him and saying you idiot. You knew AIDS is out there why did you take that risk. He use a lot fo drugs trhough out his life..........due to low self esteem and hating who he was. He turend to drugs to escape his pain.

It hurts me to hear how he didnt value life and lived to die. He tried comminting suicide at 17 but it didn't work. He OD and almost died. He believe he should be dead right now. He said, he would often buy meth or cocoain and go to a bath house............he knows that protection wasn't always used.

My partner is a handsome well edcuated guy. Inspite of his heavy drug use and party life he managed to keep a job and become successful. He doesn't have any signs of ever using drugs. He told me he has taken 1000's of pills of XTC, pounds of cocaine, crystal myth, GHB you name it. He would do 13 XTC pill in one night. That is fucked up. From Thursday until Sunday he would be stoned, spending the next few days coming down.

I hate drugs......100% against them. Ive never tried any type of illegal drug not even dope. It's been almost 1 1/2 years since he left his hard party days. He has taken drugs now and then. the last was 6 months ago and it was coke. It made his nose bleed and he will never take it agian.

My partner is so greatful for meeting me, He puts me on  peddle stool and its very sweet. Since meeting me, he says I have shown him that life is worth living. He no longer has thoughts of depression, he no longer wants to die and he is happy that he has found someone who really loves him.

He said, if he knew that I would come into his life he would never have done what he did. I love him so much and I would give up my own life for him. I had this view before the test results. I love him from my heart and not pitty.

All he ever wanted in life was for someone to love him. He never got that from his parent, his friends, ex partners and casual sex partners. He thought he would never fall in love. I am his first love and now he wants to live.

He says he feels fine. He has not had any symptoms. He is a little more itred then usual but this could mean poor diet and staying up late getting little sleep. He says he has a strong immune system always has. He hasn't been sick and very rare that he gets sick. Things like sickness and cuts etc........heal straight away. This gives me comfort.

What I fear most is him getting sick and changing. I dont want to see the one I love suffer. I am seeingthat now with my grandma (lung cancer). I also don't want ot have to go to my husbands funeral.  I know HIV doesn't mean death but it is a possibility.

I am not doing so well and I don't know what to do.

Sorry for the long post.

[cubbybear]

Heya Buddy.

Sorry to hear you are having trouble coping.  I will be blunt here and say in regards to your last parapgraph...  Even if you take HIV out of the equation, there are no guarantees in life.  Everyone fears loved ones may get sick or change, and noone wants to see a loved one suffer, and most of all, we don't want to have to attend our partners (or anyone's funeral) but HIV aside, these are things we deal with regardless of our status. 

You say you know HIV is not a death sentence but it is a possibility.  So is hopping in your car to drive to the local shop for a 2L milk, or a loaf of bread.  Please try and put this all in perspective, I would hate to see this effect your relationship with your partner you love so much.  Sometimes new diagnosis can and often does effect relationships one way or another, and you need to be strong for your partner and he does you, but you also have to acknowledge it's okay to break down every now and then.

Your partner says he feels fine, has no symptoms, has a strong immune system etc.  Trust in that, and enjoy life.  Don't waste a minute of it dwelling on "what if's" and "buts" that will probably never happen. 

Be strong.
Matt

[marco23]

Don't go losing it!
Calm down..you stated HIV doesn't mean death but it's a possibility - getting hit by a car is also a possibility but we don't wait for that to happen.  Stop thinking about "his funeral" and him getting sick and start thinking about his life...start thinking about the life the two of you are going to have together. I know it's easier said than done but, honey, if you stay so focused on what might happen and what you'll go through, you are going to miss out on joys of life you can experience NOW. This is a scary experience for both of you but as long as you're both there for each other, to hold hands, to have each others shoulder to cry on, to laugh together...to enjoy life - you two will have such a long and happy life together. 
You'll be fine, you both will...everyone has a freak out every now then, it was time for yours!
Hopefully you'll look at the "whole" picture and not just HIV....

BIG HUG SWEETIE...

[i_am_scared]

cubby and marco,

thank you guys. i said to my partner, lets not make this our focus. i dont look at my partner and think HIV. i want to live a normal life. i want to see his HIV as someone who is treating diabeties. i mean, i take meds for my heart. i do hope we have 20-30 years togather. i also know that life is fragile. i survied the first bali bombing but 6 of my friends died. why didn't I die, why was my life spared. i went to bali with 6 friends and arrived home alone.

i think it is the distance playing a lot in my sadness. the fact that we are not in each others arms. the distance is hard. i hear him cry and i can't hold him. i reassure him that i will always be there for him. regardless. words are great but that physical touch means more.

i am anxious for his blood reults to come back. then we will know where he is at. i hope all is ok.

i was in my last relationship for 10 years. my ex dumped me at the end of 2004. he dumped me because he wanted to get into the party life. i didnt, i was settled. mind you, my ex was 12 years older then me. after he dumped me, i never though i would find love again but i did.

i havnt been tested for HIV for about 9 years. i was in a monogomous relationship. my ex has always tested negative. but the last year and half i have been sexually active but always practise safer sex. before meeting my ex ffrom age 15-23 i was very sexually active, being right little tart. i always played safe 98% of the time. i have topped 4 tims in my life without protection. that was years ago. i will be tested when i arrive into toronto. then i feel so what if i test HIV, we will go through this together but then again, i am scared. i am so fucked up right now.

i just want to wake up and find this whole thing a dream.

[Ann]

I am,

Aids denialists are a very dangerous group of people and we do not allow any of their rhetoric to appear on the pages of this website. To post denialist materials here is to risk being banned.

Do not think I'm threatening you - I just want you to be aware of how seriously we take this.

If you'd like to know a bit more, please visit this website.

You really don't need to learn everything about hiv all at once. You and your partner have a lifetime ahead of you, together, to learn all you need to know to keep each of you healthy.

Give yourself a break and slow down. It's going to be alright, really it is.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx

[koi1]

I'm with Ann,

Denialists talk out of their asses but have not helped people with AIDS. Their methodology is not science.

rob

[i_am_scared]

thanks. i am not saying the denialist are right, i didnt even know they existed until now. for someone who is new to all this, it is hard to process all the information out there. i promise not to mention it again.

i have checked out AIDSTRUTH.ORG already. i'm sure you there isn't a website I havn't visited.

i don't have an opinion right now. all i know is that my partner is HIV+ and his second blood test can come back and confirm that. i hope they come back negative but we both know they wont. i am 4 days into this whole thing. i am moving to a whole new continent. if i was ever to loose my partner, i would be alone. my family will be in israel and australia. that scraes the hell out of me.

i love this person more then my own life. i really want o just run away and let him go. i can't do that because i love him too much. i say to myself that this is not the end, this is not a death sentence and all will be ok. there is always something in the back of my mind that always brings the reality back.

i think i need a break from these sites. i find the more i read the more confused and upset i get.



 

[aupointillimite]

I am,

Hello.  I know exactly what you mean about trying to soak up all the information... you'll run into a lot of conflicting things, some of it will play to your wildest hopes (denialist nonsense), and some of it will depress the hell out of you...

It seems like you're trying to absorb too much... you've had a shock, and your mind and emotions are going into overdrive trying to organize all of it... it's hard.  I know.  I did it too when I was diagnosed.

Sometimes it's best to just stop looking at all the websites and books and things... let yourself process what you know and feel at your own speed.  Don't try to rush things... it'll only make you even more upset.

It's like exercising, I think... if you try to do too much, too fast... you'll collapse from exhaustion.  Trying to get all this information into an already upset human such as yourself will make you collapse, too... give yourself a break.  Rest.   

We call this thread "Living With HIV" for a reason, I suppose.  It's only natural and right to try to find out about what's happening to the one you love... especially when it's something as serious as HIV... but really, at the end of the day... we gotta live. 

[i_am_scared]

aupointillimite

thank you for you post. you are right, you are so right.

seeing as i am HIV-(as of my last test) and i will get tested once i arrive into toronto. if that comes back NEG and i continue to practise safe sex with my HIV+ partner, do i have to be tested for HIV every few months?
i can't stand the thought of having to be tested for HIV every few months.

i am getting personal here but my partner wants me to top. which i am fine with that and will use protection. i read on THEBODY that there is still a risk of HIV from topping even with using a condom? what is that?

sex is the last thing on my mind right now andmy partner too. can anyone know the answers ot my question?

thanks guys. i feel like a pest right now

[ACinKC]

if that comes back NEG and i continue to practise safe sex with my HIV+ partner, do i have to be tested for HIV every few months?
i can't stand the thought of having to be tested for HIV every few months.

You both will get through this but think of what HE is going to have to go through.  He has to get tested every three months.  My wife is negative and she tests about once or twice a year.

[aupointillimite]

Don't worry about it.  You're not a pest. 

Condoms... what they boil down to in real world terms is... if you use a condom correctly every time you have sex... you won't get HIV.  Period.

I've had four boyfriends and a lot of sex partners since I was diagnosed.  I always use the condoms and they are all, to this day, negative.

[marco23]

Hey,
you're not a pest...let out all the feelings you have. Everything you're feeling is normal. Don't keep anything bottled up. Let it all out. Condoms are a must these days and you can still have lots of fun!

[rick21007]

Hey---I don't think I could add much to the wisdom in these posts.  I'm glad you found this site and were moved to spill your guts.  You won't find a more genuinely caring group of folks.

Your story runs parallel to my own in a lot of ways except my husband is the negative one.  I told him the night I was diagnosed.  He was on business in Paris and I called him.  It was by far the hardest part of dealing with the diagnosis for me.  I really looked up to him in terms of his personal values.  I felt like I was basically calling him up to tell him I was a slut and had hiv to remove any doubt about it.  His first response was anger and when he asked me who gave it to me (like he was going to find the guy and beat the shit out of him.)  I had to admit I didn't know.  I think that really stunned him. And I felt dirty, embarrassed and ashamed as hell.  All he told me that night was, "We will fight this together."

Later he told me he walked the streets of the city all that night worried sick about me and wishing he was with me.  Since then  he has been totally supportive---he told me our love was stronger than the virus (which I have come to believe.) Just yesterday morning he told me the only thing my having hiv changed was that we became a lot closer together.  He still worries about me sometimes  (I have to remind him I am lucky I was not diagnosed with daibetes, heart disease or liver disease which would most likely kill me off first.)  He asks me nearly every day how I am feeling which is getting on my nerves a little.  (I did just get over a nasty OI last month though.)   Fact is now I am as healthy as he is pretty much.  But he was there when I needed him to be.

I can really identify with one thing your partner said that since falling in love with you he  cares about life for the first time.  That was sure true for me.  I was out there barebacking with whoever and whatever, not out of ignorance but simply because I didn't really give a shit.  When I met my partner the reason I got tested and subsequently diagnosed in the first place was that I wanted to be sure I didn't give him anything prior to our relationship becoming physical (imagine a guy who wants to actually get to know you first, fall in love and then have sex? Now aint that just a bassackwards way to do things!)

One more thing that really caught my attention in your post:  you mentioned being a survivor of that hotel bombing in Bali------Geez Man!  Don't you think this is a reverberation from that close call with the Grim Reaper???  You are calm man compared to what the rest of us would be right now had we gone through what you had.  Best advice is to reread the posts above.  I truly believe that none of us can really learn to be fully alive until we face our death first.  Seems to me you are well on your way!!!      Best to You Both, and Congratulations BTW.       Rick

[i_am_scared]

rick21007

thank you buddy for your post. it really means a lot to me to know that i am not the only one going through this. i know everything is going to be ok. my partner feels healthy and we have deiscussed about changing our life style. we are going to live an active healthy life style.

i have never did drugs, smoked or alcohol. my partner has. since meeting me he has given all that up. (he gave up drugs before he met me) but he will have a glass of wine or two..........which is good for you.
we are both going on a month detox to cleanse out our systems.

we plan on eating more fruit and vegies plus eat vegan twice a week. exercise together because we both put on weight. my partner has put on a ton of weight in the last few months. i still love him and he is still hot. oh and catching up on proper sleep.

he has an idea of who gave him HIV. they did use protection but the condom broke. they were both off their face on meth. he blames himself. he is really ashamed of his past life. ive told him that he has nothing to feel ashamed of. what is done is done. its in the past and we have to move forward.

my partner is a great guy and the most amazing person to have ever graced my life. i want to spend the rest of my life with him.............................

thank you for sharing your experience with me

[Ann]

I am,

Try not to sweat the hiv tests too much. A few negative results under your belt will give you confidence in condoms. It did for me and my (neg) partner. Have a read through the condom and lube links in my signature line - a correctly used condom rarely breaks.

Hang in there hun.

Ann

[rick21007]

my partner is a great guy and the most amazing person to have ever graced my life. i want to spend the rest of my life with him.............................

The truth is hiv is a pretty inconsequential thing compared to your statement above.  I know exactly how you feel.   For me being diagnosed showed me that for the first time in my life I could depend on someone else and that I could trust him to be there for me. I can tell you we are closer than we ever would have been had there been no adversity come into our relationship. This morning I was talking to my brother on the phone and confessed to him that sometimes I almost feel like it was worth it to get hiv because of all the good that has come into my life since.  My brother told me it wasn't the first time he had heard that. 

Real love requires courage and courage does not come without fear.

Best, Rick

[Life]

I am,   I echo what Rick just said.   HIV or not,  when you have chosen someone to be your mate / partner / husband,  you have taken a step into a commitment that is nothing to take lightly.   Something you do not duck out and run at the first sign of trouble or inconvenience.  Hopefully the Love and Companionship factor are strong enough to hold and bond you both together...   As you are familiar with long term relationships you know there are no guarantees.   If you like, you might as well spin something good out of the diagnosis and NOT let it be a wedge in any way shape or form.   For certainly, down the road, more things not even related to HIV are going to come down stream which you will both need to deal with....

Congratulations on your impending union...  I would tell you it is worth every bit of energy you put into it....

Love

[i_am_scared]

Thank you guys. I am getting stronger and stronger everyday. My partner is amazing. We are going on as normal.

My partner being HIV doesn't change a thing. I will love him regardless. He loves me. Can I share an email with you all that he sent me after testing POZ. He has sent me many many beautiful emails, ohhh he is such an amazing writer.

Words cannot describe how grateful I am to you.
You are the greatest person I have ever
known, and truly the best friend I have ever had. Your strength, your
compassion, your kindness and generosity has been something I have
never had before. You have shown me so many things I never knew
existed and I will never forget what you have done for me. You have
given me power where I have felt helpless and you have made me see
that life is meant to be lived. Although the road has gotten a little
harder now, I know that we can walk it. With your hand in mine, I know
anything is possible... even that which I that would be impossible. In
only a few short days, destiny will begin for us. I have never been so
excited about anything in my life. I love you!

I can't walk away from something so beautiful. Thank you for listening nad I hope you are all having an awesome weekend.

[koi1]

We hope to hear from you when you begin your life in Canada with your beau.

rob

[rick21007]

I AM SCARED-----My husband read this thread the other night.  It feels really awesome for him to read these posts.

What your beloved wrote is beautiful.  Thanks for sharing.  It is how I feel about my husband as well.  When he gets home today I am going to ask him to read it.  Ain't it grand to be loved like this!!!!!!

Rick