looking to the light

[Strayboy74]

"....oh, so life turns up empty, and you're so dissatisfied;
who will you blame then? blame them, blame them, why don't you know"
                                                      - You don't know, C. Lauper


I'm kind of lost right now. 

I became HIV positive December of 2004, and after that, I went into a self-destruction spiral that I really want to get out of.  In order to get away from the drugs and the disorder of life that I had created, I moved back to my home state, where I eventually became trained as a casino table games dealer.  I've been doing that, now, for two years..  My hours are crappy and I feel like I don't have a life or friends... I've been isolating and avoiding the world around me, and have begun having panic attacks and severe depression.

I don't really have anyone to talk to, but it's all my own fault.   And, I'm writing this not because I think anyone can really help me, it's about helping myself, and finding courage to do the things I know I should, and losing the fear.   However, with exception to my half-sister and half-brother, I am the only living person remaining from my family.  I feel like I've been just waiting to die.   When people try to get close to me, I push them away by pressing their buttons, because, after all, it's easier when they choose to leave me.

I want to change, I really do.  I'm just feeling really lost, and without direction.   I hate my job - because although I do it well, it's a very unfair work environment... and I want to go part-time, but that would mean giving up my benefits.

I'm scratching my head, in wonder...     How long, until I can get it right?   :/

-joseph

[Joe K]

Hello Strayboy,

I can both empathize and relate to your situation and I have a few observations for you. I suffer from depression and if you feel as if you might be depressed, that is the first thing you need to address. I say this because depression can alter your views of reality and make some things appear larger than they really are. I suggest you talk with your doctor about seeing a psychiatrist and then a therapist. You need a psychiatrist to prescribe any drugs, that may be indicated by their consulting with you. The drugs are used to help restore chemical imbalances, within the brain. Drugs however, are never enough for initially treating the disease. You also need a therapist who can help you to identify those issues, that are important to you and help you formulate ways to cope and accomplish your life goals.

I know you will benefit from this approach, because you are being far too hard on yourself. You talk about getting it right and I would ask, according to whom? Being confused or unsure, are emotions, which are neither right or wrong, they just are. Problems arise, when emotions override your other senses and they can present a very distorted reality. What I encourage you to do, is to change how your perceive yourself. If can be very easy to become your own worse enemy, if you insist on comparing your life, to what you think someone else expects you to be. The issue here is helping you to find your way, to discover what you really want and then make plans to gain the life that YOU want.

As I read your post, I see you as someone, who has overcome incredible obstacles and has the presence of mind, to want more out of his life. I see someone who is confused and has so many questions and emotions, that you are unable to sort them out or even identify them all. That is why I suggest you start with your mental health, because you have so much going for you, but right now, you just cannot see it. I know it can be hard to ask for help, I really do, but one sign of a strong person, is when you can recognize, that you need some help and there is never any shame in asking.

I think your screen name fits you perfectly right now, but going astray has nothing to do with right and wrong. Stop blaming yourself for being human and start to see the real you, warts and all. Once you start that process, I believe you will find that while you may have strayed, you can reclaim all that is dear to you and chart your own destiny.

If you ever need to talk, please PM me. If nothing else, please talk with someone about your depression. I have lived with it for over 45 years and treatment is the only way to overcome it. Treatment does not have to last forever, but until you overcome the depression, you will be unable to honestly assess just who and what you are, as a person. Best of luck, my friend.

Joe

[CitizenWill]

Joseph,

I don't have any answers for you but just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

Reaching out as you have in your post is a good start.

Will

[PeteNYNJ]

Just also wanted to say that you are not alone.  I have been there.  You have to be proactive to change your mindset, be it therapy, antidepressants, self help, etc.  It is work, but the best kind of work because it will improve your life. 

A good way to start is a book called "Mind Over Mood".  It is a workbook that helps you figure out the negative thought processes you employ without even knowing you are doing it.

http://www.google.com/products/catalog?hl=en&q=mind+over+mood&um=1&ie=UTF-8&cid=1121679650369677413&ei=cqtgTPPuJcH7lweGxK2ZCA&sa=X&oi=product_catalog_result&ct=result&resnum=3&ved=0CCQQ8wIwAg#ps-sellers

Hope this helps

Pete

[Strayboy74]

I had a suicide attempt in January, and have a scar on my neck and arm (the right way) to show for it.  I just get so frustrated at the desires of others to not be inherently good.   It's really hard to look for the goodness in others.  It makes finding the goodness in myself even more difficult.

why's it so hard to love one another.

I'm taking zoloft now, and it's helped me not to feel good or bad, really, but to tolerate a lot of the bullshit in the world, it still hurts, every day.

Now, I haven't been an angel, and i've not always been the best or nicest to everyone I meet, but I usually come around and ask for forgiveness... I can only think of one instance where this isn't the case, but it's so hard to let go of the hurt.

I'm seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist and I'm a work in progress...   I hope to see progress and learn to love myself.  :/

[phildinftlaudy]

Sounds like you're on the right track and handling your business Stray --
I'm reminded of the title of a book "I'm Not Okay, You're Not Okay... But That's Okay."
I'm also reminded of someone asking God how come all of the negative things happen in the world, the hate, the crime, the selfishness... God's answer:  I was about to ask you the same thing.
I have tried to live according to the story of the Starfish on the beach:
An old man was walking on the beach and saw a young boy up ahead throwing something into the water -as the man got closer he saw that the boy was throwing starfish back into the sea.  The old man said to the boy - What are you doing.  The boy replied: I'm saving this starfishes life - as he threw another one back in the water.

The old man said "Son, that is an admirable effort but look at the beach, there must be thousands of starfish laying out here -- what difference can you possibly make?"
The little boy bent over, picked up a starfish, threw it back into the sea and said "It makes a difference to that one."

I have made it my goal in life to help just one person in life - everyone else is a bonus.  Needless to say, I think I've been on my bonus starfishes for quite some time now.

Love yourself - do just for one person - everyone else is a bonus - which will increase your love for yourself and expand the bonuses -- it also helps to recognize that I am only responsible for my actions - I need to be the best person I can be -- that is why we are human BEINGS -- just be.

Best to you -- Keep sharing... I'm glad you are here.

[roy100]

When I read  a post by killfoile  :
 I am astonished, he has so much wisdom!

 Follow everyword he says, he knows a lot !

My words of advice couldn't be better than his..........

Good Luck