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Author Topic: Need to vent~ depressed.  (Read 3844 times)

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Offline Dantheman

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Need to vent~ depressed.
« on: July 04, 2017, 01:38:53 pm »
Hi everyone,

I hope everyone is having a great July 4th. I've been meaning to write a post for a while but just couldn't get myself to do it.

I've been poz now for a little bit over three years and its been full of ups and downs. The good news is I just got my latest tests and I'm healthy as a bull. CD4 900+

Recently, I had to admit to myself that I have depression. That this cloud of sadness is not going to go away easily. I was really hoping that I'd be able to get over it, but it hasn't. I'm contemplating taking meds to help me cope, but I'm scared. The down swings are so hard I can't function. Also, I feel like a failure if I had to (no judgment to anyone, just for me). I hated that I had to rely on meds for HIV because it meant I was tied down or something. You just feel like life likes to kick you down, repeatedly, sometimes.

I decided to not date for a bit. I couldn't handle the emotional swings. Just to preface, I'm 33 years old and I've never been in a relationship. It's perhaps one of the biggest, um, hole in my life. When I found out my status, that hole became even bigger.

So now that I'm older, dating has gotten harder. I decided to take a break because I wasn't getting anywhere, and I just couldn't handle the emotional toll.

About two months ago, a friend of mine enticed me to go to a circuit party. I never wanted to go because of the drug taking and it seemed like something I wouldn't like. But through his plea, I gave in.

I got high and met someone that night. We made out like fish. I felt secure. Loved. Included. It was a rush of all these feelings that I've been missing. I thought, wow, this is what it feels like. We didn't have sex that night, but he asked if we could go on a date.

We did, about two weeks later. And although I felt sparks, he didn't. We made out at the end, but later in the week he said he wanted things to be casual. Now, looking back, stupid me right? It's a circuit party. What I learned later is that casual really meant, I'm not interested.

And then I fell. I fell hard. I know it's the stupidest thing. But it was like he opened that gaping wound and everything came out. I ended up going to a circuit party again during pride weekend with him and his friends.... and I can tell you. It was the opposite experience of the first time I went. I felt so alone. He wasn't interested. I didn't know anybody and I felt lost. I'm already anti social already, and awkward. The drugs just exasperated every feeling.

Pride weekend was hard. Adding to the downfall of the drug, I was sobbing on the floor. I'd be walking on the streets and just bust out crying.

There's a lot more to this story, I guess I just need to admit how lost I am. That I need help? That I'm so alone in life. Today is July 4th and I have no concrete plans. I look on Facebook and I just feel like I don't have anyone. 

Last night I felt so alone in my apartment I went to the gay bars alone. At the age of 33, hanging out alone. The first one I went to I bumped into a guy I knew but it was clear he didn't want me around (longer story) so I left and went to the second bar. I started talking to this guy, and I thought we had some chemistry, but his friends seemed to give me the eye. Then I find out later he's partnered. And I just... I couldn't. I felt like a fool. Embarrassed. Desperate. I left almost immediately, without getting a number (I mean why) and cried on the walk home. Came home. Sobbed like a baby. I just feel like I can't win in this life.

Am I going to be alone forever?  Makes me scared of my future. Everything looks so bleak it's hard to see the other side. 

Along the lines of being in a relationship. I've had dreams of finding someone. Any advice?


Offline Ptrk3

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Re: Need to vent~ depressed.
« Reply #1 on: July 04, 2017, 02:00:02 pm »
I'm sorry to read that you feel depressed and have had a patch of rough days.

If you feel that you do need to take antidepressants, don't hesitate to seek the advice of a mental-healthcare provider.  Proper medication coupled wit cognitive therapy can do wonders for your outlook on life.

That said, you should know that you are not alone.  Everyone feels like you do sometime or another in his or her life--regardless of sexual orientation, relationship status, HIV status, etc.  It's called living, so do understand that your feelings are normal, part of the human condition, and are temporary.

It's tough for anyone these days to enter and remain in a nurturing relationship, so it does take work to find that relationship and build upon it.

Keep on working to improve your outlook on life, and good things will come in time.  It does and will get better, always remember that.

Do keep in touch with these forums, perhaps become more active on them, make them a part of your daily routine in finding support, encouragement, and enlightenment.

It's great that you are doing so well with your health-related issues; now, spend sometime working on your self-esteem.

Best wishes to you and please keep us informed of your progress.
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Offline Dantheman

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Re: Need to vent~ depressed.
« Reply #2 on: July 04, 2017, 05:35:35 pm »
Thank you @Ptrk3 just by posting I feel a little better already. 

I think the tough thing is I don't know if it's temporary, or if things will get better. I mean, statistically, sure. But I just don't see it right now~ if I haven't been in a relationship yet, then when? I feel pressure that if I don't find someone, I never will.

Offline Ptrk3

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Re: Need to vent~ depressed.
« Reply #3 on: July 04, 2017, 06:04:40 pm »
It is the insidious nature of depression that when afflicted, a person can not see beyond the temporary, so things appear to be bleak in perpetuity.  The feelings you have now are the feelings you are having in the moment.  They are not permanent.

You are young and healthy, so try to ease off a bit on putting pressure on yourself.  Keep searching for a soulmate and it will happen, sometimes when you may least expect it.  Easy does it.

Remain socially active, join groups, join social clubs, try to get out of your own head (though I know that this is not always easy).

In the meantime, do discuss with you healthcare provider the possibility that you may be suffering from depression.  Depression can be treated and dealt with, just like any other health challenges a person may face.
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Offline 3DollarBill

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Re: Need to vent~ depressed.
« Reply #4 on: July 04, 2017, 11:09:23 pm »
I've dealt with depression all my life and I'm 61.  At about your age I stopped drinking like a fish and, after a few weeks of sobriety, realized I always felt so sad and worthless and woke up wishing I'd died in my sleep because of depression.  It can be so overwhelming it clouds your thinking, distorts your self-image and self-confidence, and can negatively affect many aspects of your life.   

If you're lucky enough to have insurance get a referral from your GP or another source to a psychiatrist or psychotherapist or both.  If those aren't options is there an AIDS Service Organization in your area?  My first therapist and psychiatrist were with the local ASO and treatment was free.  I've also been to therapists who charged on a sliding scale but that was so many years ago I haven't a clue if such humanitarians still exist.  I've been on Medicare for 12 years and thank dog my psych still accepts the crummy insurance and my $30 co-pay.   Meds are a necessity for me but maybe not you.  Don't be too antagonistic to them, though, because they might literally change your life.  If you had diabetes would you refuse to take insulin?

Dating with HIV has challenges but dealing with depression was, for me, much harder in that arena.  I've never been to a circuit party (ugly as a toad), so I infer from your experience you must be attractive enough to have had the experiences with the men you described.  You have no reason to feel bad about their lack of common goals with you.  It's a dull truism but a lot of gay men are only interested in sex as casual entertainment: seems like you met two.  You're young, your HIV is in check, and you have a lot to live for whether you know it or not.  You'll meet someone worthy of you but now you need to take care of yourself.  Don't put so much pressure on yourself to find someone and odds are he'll come along in time.  There is a big difference in simply being alone and feeling alone.  I suspect you have more friends and people who care for you than you realize now. 

I intended this post to be positive and upbeat but upon previewing it -- hmm  ... I wanted something reassuring and supportive because your words made me sad to see another person in such familiar pain.  What seems unbearable and without a happy resolution now is temporary, and I know that as a fact. 

Good luck and take care!
Puteo ergo sum

Offline Dantheman

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Re: Need to vent~ depressed.
« Reply #5 on: July 05, 2017, 10:19:48 am »
Thank you @3DollarBill

I went to a friend's rooftop yesterday to watch the fireworks that helped a lot. When I'm alone I tend to go into a downward spiral.

I'll talk about meds the next time I see my counselor. Maybe as a temporary solution.

Offline newbie2016

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Re: Need to vent~ depressed.
« Reply #6 on: July 06, 2017, 07:03:40 am »
Sorry to hear you feel depressed, lifes ups and downs can take its toll.
Look after yourself and sleep well, including a good diet, get out and go for walk, find a way to deal with your downs without drugs and alcohol as these are a temporary fix.
Keep up the therapy, its a great place for a neutral person, keep us on track and a vent is so healthy
I was always told anger or sadness is wrong or unacceptable, accept it and dealing with the fact you realise is a good place to start as are our emotions.
We all will meet someone special one day, how or where, maybe look at interest clubs or through friends?
I think isolating ourselves makes us less healthy, so find what makes you happy or at least good and I hope things improve for you,,take this time by yourself to care for yourself before you care for another. we are all worthy of being loved :)







Offline Wade

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Re: Need to vent~ depressed.
« Reply #7 on: July 06, 2017, 11:07:29 am »
Hi Dan, don't ever feel your meds or your status are keeping you from having a relationship. You simply haven't met the right one yet and when you do none of this will matter.

You're 33 , that's young !!!
I was your age when I met my soul mate 30 years ago, sometimes people meet the right one at 17 and sometimes it takes a while, and don't settle for second best.

And WTF is a circuit party...lol

Hugs, Wade
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Offline Dantheman

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Re: Need to vent~ depressed.
« Reply #8 on: July 06, 2017, 12:48:27 pm »
Thanks @wade and @newbie2016

lol Wade. I really hope you're right. Short story:

So this guy I dated very briefly last year, I bumped into him two weeks ago. He asked me why we never continued dating. I said this and that, and whatever and he didn't believe it. So... we were both drunk, and I just said, "I also have HIV."

He basically said I should give people more credit. 

Somehow that stuck with me. So I want to try to be more honest with my status.

I'm so jealous of you Wade. That's amazing. 

And I'm not an expert in circuit parties, but basically they start around 11pm until 6am usually. And people there do drugs and it has this euphoria kinda of experience.


On another note, today I'm not thinking of the circuit guy so much. Perhaps there's a glimmer at the end. But I'm going to take it one moment at a time.

Offline Dantheman

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Re: Need to vent~ depressed.
« Reply #9 on: July 20, 2017, 07:54:52 pm »
Just a quick update:

Yesterday I told someone whom I've been semi dating. The date went great, we were hanging out in the park when I mentioned my status. 

I immediately felt a shift in the air.

Today I get a text essentially saying he had to think really hard to be involved with someone who is poz.

I have to say, it hurt. It really hurt.

I'm alone tonight and wondering what to do with myself.  Drink?  Go out?  Cry?

Offline Jim Allen

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Re: Need to vent~ depressed.
« Reply #10 on: July 20, 2017, 08:28:31 pm »
Hi

Quote
Today I get a text essentially saying he had to think really hard to be involved with someone who is poz.

His loss if that is a show stopper for him, but yeah rejection sucks no matter what the reason is, no denying that.

Also give him time to think about things and let him digest it, maybe he will come back with questions.

I admit over the years I've been rejected for many reasons I can't change, such as: My manky legs,  My Height, My looks or the fact that I have two kids, for some that is a big road block.

What can I say its not always easy finding someone who is compatible, and if someone can't see past my faults or my situation in life well "fuck them". I don't waste time on them, they were simple not the right person for me, and to be honest once i know this, I can move on. That is my thinking.   

Also and I am not pointing fingers but I found that how you deliver the message of your status helps. If your going with the: "He see that, really nice tree ... BTW I have HIV ... Oh look a squirrel!"  Its not going to go well.

I am glad to hear you were out dating and trying that is at least a positive (no pun intended) and sooner or later I am sure you will find the right partner.

Quote
Go out?

Go out, get laid, forget about him and tomorrow is another day.

Jim
« Last Edit: July 21, 2017, 02:37:30 am by JimDublin »
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Offline Tonny2

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Re: Need to vent~ depressed.
« Reply #11 on: July 20, 2017, 09:08:16 pm »
Just a quick update:

Yesterday I told someone whom I've been semi dating. The date went great, we were hanging out in the park when I mentioned my status. 

I immediately felt a shift in the air.

Today I get a text essentially saying he had to think really hard to be involved with someone who is poz.

I have to say, it hurt. It really hurt.

I'm alone tonight and wondering what to do with myself.  Drink?  Go out?  Cry?

        ojo        Hello there...I'm sorry fot the rejection....question. how long have you been seeing this person?, Was this your first date?. I hope not...I think if you want to start dating you have to get to know the person first, you are not going to introduce yourself as "my name is John Doe and I'm hiv positive", I think you will be getting rejected all the time...if you have been dating this person for a while, as Jim said, give him some time, you were in shock when you got the news of your dx, right?, so, give him sometime to consider the possibilities, if he soen't come back, it wasn't meant to be, just move on.I know it is a bit more difficult to find love while positive, but love is still love, if somebody really loves you, will accept you for who you are, it happened to me, my partner stayed with me after my dx, he was negative...take your time, get to know the people you are dating before dropping the bomb, by then, you might even know if it is worthy to disclose, comprende?...best of luck...hugs                                                                                                      ojo

Offline JosephP

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Re: Need to vent~ depressed.
« Reply #12 on: July 21, 2017, 11:28:02 pm »
Sorry you feel rejected! You are 33 and just at the begining of life... I have been very lucky in the sense that I dont get depressed easily. Do I get the 'blues'? yes... HIV is not an easy proposition... Hang in there. Talk to your doctor, maybe he/she will recommend a therapist and/or medicine... Yes, we are all chained to the 'pill' but that is what is keeping us alive and well.. We all have suffered rejection sooner or later. And yes, it sucks. It hurts. But we are stronger and bounce back... PM and we can talk in private...
Today January 20, 2020, I have taken 2378 pills of my ARV since first pill. This means 79 bottles of 30 pills of ARVs at an average of $3950 per bottle or $313,103 USD for my treatment. I have a compliance of 99.83% taking my meds and only .17% (or 4 pills) non-compliant. Of these four pills two I forgot completely, One I lost and one I didn't have with me while traveling! I became UD 3 months after treatment start   ***We are all dealing with this. And we will live long and productive lives!! AND, yes the Lord is my shepherd. Life is good... And thanks for the meds! ***

 


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