Author Topic: Diagnosed, is life over? (Read 10581 times)

idunno · « **on:** March 31, 2011, 02:11:46 am »

This hit me like a ton of bricks.

Basically I tried looking for love. First girl I dated in a while, used protection, condom broke once briefly. I freaked out and went to my local physician about a day after it happened, I didn't know her status but I wanted a preventive dose of medicine, they said it was a low risk and the doctor advised against it. First test was negative. a month later and the test comes back positive. Sigh. I don't know if I should be mad at her, myself, or the physician that advised against the prophylactic or if I should even be mad?

I'm going through so many emotions.

I'm in my late 20's and I feel like my life has been taken away from me and I'm essentially a dead man walking. Although I've read and heard that life goes on I still feel like I will never experience my potential. Such as having kids, finding love (and all it comes with), living carefree.

I've read quite a lot of inspiring posts from people dealing with HIV+ for more than 20 years, but essentially they all come to the same conclusion of being lonely and how hard it is dealing with it still. All of this bundled with the chores and rigors of treatment, side effects, stigma, heart ache.

This leads me to ask a simple question. Is it worth enduring the hardships that this virus brings or would it be better to die/rest/whatever you want to call it? Simply put, to be or not to be?

spacebarsux · « **Reply #1 on:** March 31, 2011, 02:50:36 am »

Hey, sorry to hear about your diagnosis man. I too am in my late 20's and I was diagnosed only a couple of months back. I had exactly the same thoughts as you.

Anger, self-loathing, blaming someone else or yourself i something we all go through, but in time the only thing we can and have to do is come to terms with our diagnosis and move on with life.

Its hard at time but I try my best not to dwell on the negatives, cos it gets me NOWHERE and is self-fulfilling prophecy. Stress+ depression = feeling horrible for long period of time = lower immunity.

The way I see it, we all have limited time and we just have to try and make best of the given situation. Giving up is not going to solve a damn thing. Give it time and things will normalise soon.

Good luck man.

sdguyloveslife · « **Reply #2 on:** March 31, 2011, 03:00:48 am »

Sorry about your diagnosis. Make sure your diagnosis is confirmed with a western blot and that you get educated about the disease and your options before making any decisions "to be or not to be."

It's common to feel these emotions when we get hit with "a ton of bricks," whether that is HIV or any number of unfortunate occurrences that can happen to any one of us in life.

You can certainly still experience your potential of having kids and finding love. The living carefree part, however, is not a guarantee for the negative folks either. Give yourself some time - you will eventually discover that the only thing keeping you from reaching your potential is you, not HIV.

Maelrod · « **Reply #3 on:** March 31, 2011, 10:28:19 am »

Hey guys. I know is sad discover the Poz status, I'm just 28, that's I though when I faund on augost last year I doing pretty well now. Im worry about many things but life is no much diferent when you learn to deal with guys never is too early and never is too late we are here Wearing same red shoes between be or not be we are

skeebo1969 · « **Reply #4 on:** March 31, 2011, 12:00:07 pm »

Quote from: idunno on March 31, 2011, 02:11:46 am

This leads me to ask a simple question. Is it worth enduring the hardships that this virus brings or would it be better to die/rest/whatever you want to call it? Simply put, to be or not to be?

Once you become more knowledgeable and finally accept having HIV you'll see that life is very much worth living. This is nothing more than a bump in the road.

Welcome to the forums.

woodshere · « **Reply #5 on:** March 31, 2011, 12:29:04 pm »

Is life over, of course it is.....at least in the way it once was. That doesn't mean that there won't be love and joy in your life!! Sure adjustments have to be made, but life is not over! Reliving the past, placing blame, being consumed with anger and guilt really accomplishes nothing.

There are many str8t men that still find love and have children. We have one guy on the forums that I know of that has done just that.

Quote from: idunno on March 31, 2011, 02:11:46 am

I've read quite a lot of inspiring posts from people dealing with HIV+ for more than 20 years, but essentially they all come to the same conclusion of being lonely and how hard it is dealing with it still. All of this bundled with the chores and rigors of treatment, side effects, stigma, heart ache.

I think you are making a huge, very wrong assumption that long term survivors are lonely. There are many involved in long term relationships. Before long the rigors and chores as you call them become routine. You don't mention anything regarding your cd4 count so no way on knowing if you are on meds or that time is fast approaching. If you have not started yet due to a good cd4 count and relatively low viral load meds might be several years away. As far as side effects go, I have been on my combo for over 5 years and none yet. Will I eventually have some due to meds or other health problems due to HIV most likely. But in growing old I am going to have some anyway. Can't help the stigma part really. But as you disclose to close friends you probably will be surprised at the support you get. And heart ache, well that happens regardless of being poz or negative.

Sure I get pissed, depressed and hurt by being HIV+, but a lot of things in life have that effect on me. It really makes me sad that newly infected people think life is over, because it's not. Life is a journey with twists and turns, now your life has taken a new turn but it still goes on.

hope_for_a_cure · « **Reply #6 on:** March 31, 2011, 01:45:52 pm »

Quote from: idunno on March 31, 2011, 02:11:46 am

This hit me like a ton of bricks.

That is a normal reaction. I doubt very many folks have a lackadaisical attitude about it when given the news. My diagnosis was only a year ago (still a newbie) but I already know the future holds some really good things. Others have stated and I will repeat, being HIV+ is not the end of it all. Take the condition seriously of course, but do not get so bummed out that you think its all over.

A quick answer to your question (in the subject line) is NO! Life is not over by any means. Take care of your health, educate yourself, and continue to make plans for the future.

Joe K · « **Reply #7 on:** March 31, 2011, 02:57:09 pm »

Quote from: idunno on March 31, 2011, 02:11:46 am

I'm in my late 20's and I feel like my life has been taken away from me and I'm essentially a dead man walking.

This leads me to ask a simple question. Is it worth enduring the hardships that this virus brings or would it be better to die/rest/whatever you want to call it? Simply put, to be or not to be?

I suggest, that for right now, you simply allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, without the need to do anything about anything. You have been given earth shattering news and it will take time for it to sink in. So you can spend your time adjusting in one of two ways.

The first way involves reading everything you can on HIV, often to the point of your head wanting to explode and then assuming all the horrors you read, are certain to come your way. It involves second guessing yourself and playing the "What if?" game. What if I did this or did that has no basis in reality, unless you insist on giving it one. Nobody deserves HIV, nor did you do anything wrong, so stop beating yourself up over something that you have no control over.

The second way to adjust, is to accept that emotions are neither good or bad, they just are. Just because you feel something, does not make it real. It involves taking whatever amount of time, you need to start feeling better about you. It means you take care of yourself, your mind, body and spirit and you do something nice for yourself everyday, because you matter. It requires a great deal of work, coming to grips with the fact that your life has changed, but certainly not ended. It is understanding that you possess the abilities to get through this and whatever new tools you may need, you will develop them and use them successfully.

Most important is that you simply believe in you. You must believe in yourself and your actions and rather than assuming anything negative will happen, try to believe that you will be fine, you will adjust and one day, being poz will just be another facet of your life. I know you believe your life is in tatters right now, and to a point you are right. However, what I see, is a man who has hopes and dreams and if given enough time, will regain his life and resume the pursuit of those things that make him happy.

No matter what anyone tells you, you do possess the power to get through this, so be kind to you and give yourself some time.

manc · « **Reply #8 on:** March 31, 2011, 04:09:05 pm »

I can't add much to Joe's (Killfoile's) post which covers it really, but 'to be' certainly.

The diagnosis hit me like a ton of bricks as well and I wondered whether I could handle it. I took a few days off work - recomended if you can do it - to digest the news. I'm one of Joe's research too much and freak out big time, people.

But its been pretty good, I've met new people I would never have met without HIV, and the meds are ok for most people diagnosed now. Will it change your life, yes, for me. It changed my perspective of what is important in life. Family and friends yes, not necessarily your career or possessions.

Malinka · « **Reply #9 on:** March 31, 2011, 04:54:36 pm »

Hi there

Just wanted to say.. I'm 22... have had two serious relationships with negative guys, plus dated a bit too..and all this with negative guys (who knew my status..and after getting educated a bit, were totally fine with it).. oh and I have an adorable 2 yr old boy..also negative!! So, you see, it IS possible

I wish you all the best, and I'm glad you found this site, it has helped me alot (I just found it recently and already it feels like a weight off my shoulders)... many people on here have lots of good advice and have gone through similar things, so you're not alone!!

Also, I would like to add... been positive for 6 years.. and at first, I too felt like life was over... but if I had given up then, I wouldn't have the love of my child, I wouldn't be able to marvel at the beauty of the cherry blossom trees with their flowers littering the streets around my house.. making the ground seem like pink confetti.... I wouldn't be able to fall in love, I wouldn't be able to plan my trip back home to Europe as I am now...granted, I have moments (as seen by my recent rant) where I'm severely anxious.. but I can walk, I can run, I can sing, I can dance!!! I can go to a hockey game!!! I can cuddle with my son!! I can dress up and go to the beach!! And that's something that not everybody can do..

Take care!! And if you have any cherry blossom trees around where you live, I guarantee you that the beauty is spectacular this time of year!!!

<3MALINKA

drewm · « **Reply #10 on:** March 31, 2011, 05:02:48 pm »

Diagnosed, is life over?

No, it's not. It is akin to being hit with a ton of bricks, although I have never been hit with a ton of bricks

Take some time, breathe deep and hang in there. The initial shock from diagnoses will fade and while paying attention to your health will become a priority, labs, meds and so on, life goes on and so will you.

Lora · « **Reply #11 on:** April 02, 2011, 07:48:46 am »

I'm still quite angry sometimes when I think about my diagnosis and I try to push people away because I'm worried they'll think I'm 'dirty'.
The truth is I'm still the same person I was before and I still get offers from men - even when I tell them my status.

It's just a small part of you, it doesn't define you

CaptCarl · « **Reply #12 on:** April 02, 2011, 10:00:28 am »

Quote from: Lora on April 02, 2011, 07:48:46 am

It's just a small part of you, it doesn't define you

Lora has stated exactly the truth here as have all the others. I too was diagnosed at an early age (23), and life has been very much worth living. Yes there will be times of anger and frustaration, as well as fear, but you'll learn to make your adjustments. We human beings are amazingly adaptable, and you will find yourself adapting to this new situation almost without even realizing it. Just remember to relax and take it as it comes. One day yes, your life will be over, as will alll of ours. But not likely any day soon. BTW, I'll be 46 this summer, so you DO have a lot of life ahead of you, it's what you choose to make of it. Good luck, and keep coming back.

CaptCarl

idunno · « **Reply #13 on:** April 08, 2011, 11:13:55 pm »

Thanks everyone

I wanted to honestly thank everyone that took the time to share their experience and advice with me. I'll never forget it. You guys kept me grounded and gave me great insight to help my parents and myself understand that I would indeed live a long life. I am chocking up as I write this, it has been a traumatic experience. You guys helped me answer my own question.

My thoughts and prayers are with everyone here. I am forever thankful.

btw how can i get in contact with a forum admin? Seems like thrre's no option to PM someone. Thanks

Ann · « **Reply #14 on:** April 09, 2011, 09:31:23 am »

Hi Idunno, welcome to the forums.

Quote from: idunno on April 08, 2011, 11:13:55 pm

btw how can i get in contact with a forum admin? Seems like thrre's no option to PM someone. Thanks

You will not be able to use the PM function until you have posted three or more times. We had to do this because spammers where joining and instead of posting in the forums, they were spamming people via PM. One more post and you're good to go.

Ann

thunter34 · « **Reply #15 on:** April 09, 2011, 10:08:49 am »

A few of my better days have been since diagnosis....just as a lot of my pre days weren't my proudest moments.

Just sayin'.

idunno · « **Reply #16 on:** April 09, 2011, 02:55:35 pm »

Ok, thanks.

buginme2 · « **Reply #17 on:** April 09, 2011, 03:12:08 pm »

This is an odd post.

What straight man goes to the doctor after having sex with a woman and the condom breaks (one time)? And then to ask for prep, and test positive. Are u in the U.S? Did they do a western blot?

And the comment about people with HIV being lonely. I think if you read the posts on here you would assume the opposite. My partner didnt leave me when I tested positive. Having HIV doesnt automatically equal being alone.

And the drama of wording of the post. Its suspect.

spacebarsux · « **Reply #18 on:** April 09, 2011, 03:42:49 pm »

Quote from: buginme2 on April 09, 2011, 03:12:08 pm

This is an odd post.

What straight man goes to the doctor after having sex with a woman and the condom breaks (one time)? And then to ask for prep, and test positive. Are u in the U.S? Did they do a western blot?

And the comment about people with HIV being lonely. I think if you read the posts on here you would assume the opposite. My partner didnt leave me when I tested positive. Having HIV doesnt automatically equal being alone.

And the drama of wording of the post. Its suspect.

Other than the necessity of the positive test result being validated by a Western Blot test, in my opinion, there is nothing suspicious about the post.

Ann · « **Reply #19 on:** April 09, 2011, 04:35:12 pm »

Quote from: buginme2 on April 09, 2011, 03:12:08 pm

This is an odd post.

What straight man goes to the doctor after having sex with a woman and the condom breaks (one time)? And then to ask for prep, and test positive. Are u in the U.S? Did they do a western blot?

And the comment about people with HIV being lonely. I think if you read the posts on here you would assume the opposite. My partner didnt leave me when I tested positive. Having HIV doesnt automatically equal being alone.

And the drama of wording of the post. Its suspect.

Idunno has contacted me via PM and explained a little more fully about his testing history. It looks to me like he's had a false positive result. I've advised him that he needs to have additional confirmatory testing done with a fresh blood draw.

Please do not give this man a hard time. He has posted here in good faith according to what he has been told - perhaps erroneously - by his doctor.

Ann

buginme2 · « **Reply #20 on:** April 09, 2011, 04:47:54 pm »

Its sad that people today are receiving false positive HIV diagnoses and from doctors no less. Reminds me of the HIV testing sites in South Africa from the movie House of Numbers (horrible movie).

Ann · « **Reply #21 on:** April 09, 2011, 04:55:01 pm »

Quote from: buginme2 on April 09, 2011, 04:47:54 pm

Its sad that people today are receiving false positive HIV diagnoses and from doctors no less. Reminds me of the HIV testing sites in South Africa from the movie House of Numbers (horrible movie).

Well, even doctors are human and sometimes mistakes are made. My motto - shit happens.

We'll have to see what happens with tests run on a fresh blood draw. From what idunno has told me, it sounds like that's what needs to be done.

Ann

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Author Topic: Diagnosed, is life over? (Read 10581 times)