POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: Dan J. on August 24, 2007, 01:55:43 pm
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I want the day off from HIV. sorry meds your staying in the bottles. I'm just not interested in taking them today. One day won't kill me. I might take them tomorrow, maybe not. I'm getting tired of all this everyday.
I'm going back to bed with the covers over my head...
See ya later
Dan
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You're probably right, but probably ain't good enough for me.
I have this weird thought process that kicks in when I'm even a little late taking my meds, like I can imagine the virus replicating and mutating in me. It freaks me out enough to keep me in line.
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Dan, I wouldn't really want to make a habit. The amount of time it took you to type and send this post you could have downed your meds. ;)
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I know that, but today Dan doesn't give a shit.
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Dan, just get up and take the damn things. Is your stomach upset or something or are you just mentally "over" it all? I sometimes contemplate just not taking them for a day but I rarely have ever just skipped a day or a dose intentionally.
If it's just a mental thing my suspicion would be that you may decide to skip more than one day, which concerns me and you know we all care deeply for your well being here.
So, I offer this encouragement: TAKE THE PILLS FOR LIZ FRASER
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If it's just a mental thing my suspicion would be that you may decide to skip more than one day, which concerns me and you know we all care deeply for your well being here.
Ditto
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Dan, I enjoy reading your comments and remarks.. but, even I can relate to skipping my meds and sometimes I just want to put the covers over my head... but, reality hits! I want to see tommarrow... the next day and next week... so I just keep moving. I asked my grandmother how she lived to be 107 shes now been deceased 10 years... she said you get up and keep moving... whether you feel like it or not... I think that advice she gave me keeps me going... even in the darkess moments... thinking of you.. John
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Does anyone besides me see the relationship to gay men and having safe sex inherent in this topic? ???
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Dan,
I won't make a long post out of this. 3 words: Take your meds.
Then go to bed, do whatever you want, and we can discuss this tomorrow.
Milker (who cares).
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Does anyone besides me see the relationship to gay men and having safe sex inherent in this topic? ???
huh??? i dont see the relationship
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Does anyone besides me see the relationship to gay men and having safe sex inherent in this topic? ???
actually no, I don't
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Does anyone besides me see the relationship to gay men and having safe sex inherent in this topic? ???
I'm reaching here - but the only even somewhat distant correlation I can make is in regards to being tired of always putting a condom on?
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Does anyone besides me see the relationship to gay men and having safe sex inherent in this topic? ???
Marc,
FYI- I am in a monogamous relationship with an HIV+ man I love very much & I take great offense to your insensitive remark directed toward me. Back off.
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Does anyone besides me see the relationship to gay men and having safe sex inherent in this topic? ???
This has nothing to do with raw butt-fucking. It's about chronic depression, which is a common enough issue here on the boards.
I can sympathize, Dan, but urge you to keep on keeping on.
Brent
(Who suffers from depression himself)
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Good Lord! Does everything come down to raw ass fucking???? Jesus Jumping Christ, the dude is just having a bad day and does not want to take his meds today. I think we all have days where we would rather not think about it. Not EVERYTHING is related to raw ass fucking.
Dan, I know the feeling, but I do hope you took a second to take the pills. Then, do what ya got to do. I have spent a few days in bed with the covers over my head too .... nothing wrong with that. Take care!
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One day won't kill me.
No, but losing you would kill me and many more! Take your meds tomorrow morning, and I will see you in a few short weeks!
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Can someone explain this raw ass sex thing to me? I don't get it.
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I want the day off from HIV. sorry meds your staying in the bottles. I'm just not interested in taking them today. One day won't kill me. I might take them tomorrow, maybe not. I'm getting tired of all this everyday.
I'm going back to bed with the covers over my head...
See ya later
Dan
I get that a lot.
Those are the days I am late for work...I hit the snooze a few times before throwing the alarm clock on the floor. Then I get up grab the bottle of water and a Videx next to my bed, go to the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I try to lighten things up by making faces in the mirror and it usually makes me laugh or say to may self "just take your candy little boy"..other times I just scream at mirror and curse the heaves for feeling like shit, sometimes I cry and sometimes I just stand there, naked with a bottle of water in one hand and a Videx in the other.
I always end up taking the Videx, after all, I'm already up, so what the fuck...let another day begin.
Hope you feel better soon
BIG HUGS
Rich
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Can someone explain this raw ass sex thing to me? I don't get it.
I don't buy the fractured logic, but I believe that the poster meant to say this:
People, and gay men in particular, are apt to become self-destructive when depressed. The more they are depresssed, the deeper into risky, self-abusive behavior patterns they plunge into. If one is eventually depressed enough, then they might even resort to that riskiest of all actions, unprotected sex.
As we all know, no reasonable, rational thinking person who is concerned about his health would ever do anything so fool-hardy as to engage in unprotected sex.
I may be off-whack, though. That's just my presumption of the inference.
Brent
(Who has been known to be wrong)
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I get that a lot.
Those are the days I am late for work...I hit the snooze a few times before throwing the alarm clock on the floor. Then I get up grab the bottle of water and a Videx next to my bed, go to the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I try to lighten things up by making faces in the mirror and it usually makes me laugh or say to may self "just take your candy little boy"..other times I just scream at mirror and curse the heaves for feeling like shit, sometimes I cry and sometimes I just stand there, naked with a bottle of water in one hand and a Videx in the other.
I always end up taking the Videx, after all, I'm already up, so what the fuck...let another day begin.
Hope you feel better soon
BIG HUGS
RICH
I woke up today & I could just feel the super massive black hole of depression come over me for some unknown reason. When I fell like this I get mad @ myself for being in the situation that I put myself in 20+ years ago. I've tried for many years to forgive myself, but I just can't seem to do that. I think about what I lost: My career, & personal independence from having to rely on help from my parents just to make it through the month to meet my obligations & the shit they throw at me for not being able to do that. Nothing upsets me more than having to rely on the whims of their "goodwill with stipulations" When I do everything I can to keep the cost of me living from day to day at a bare minimum. I missed my AM dose, but I took the second one after dinner. I don't feel any better, but at least I took the damn pills. The only person that makes me feel better is 6000 miles away & I need him now. He has this way of making me see things differently. I would call him , but it's 3:25 Am in Belgium. He will call me Saturday.
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Dan,
I won't say I've been there as for many of the things you describe I have been fortunate enough not to...yet, but I have been in darkness and that I know all too well.
I'm glad you did just take the damn pills and didn't let your feelings about things change what you know you need to do.
I'm sorry you are feeling so down right now and I hope Saturday morning comes soon enough for you so that you can speak with your beloved.
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Baby, I have nothing to say, but this: I love you! That's it...
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Dan,
I hope you have a brighter day tomorrow.
I completely understand what you are talking about; it's something I have dealt with a lot this year. The depression and being "sick" work together to form a vicious cycle....you get depressed, your body feels sick, that makes you MORE depressed, and so on.
I was feeling real low the other day; popped "Paper Moon" into the DVD player, it can always make me laugh. I prescribe a good comedy !
Love you,
Alan
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Dan,
Good for you! And shame on everyone telling you what to do.
What's the big deal missing one day of MEDS? Nothing. It's what Dan chose to do. So the fuck what.
I have been taking drugs for 23 years now.
If I had a dollar for each time i missed a dose, I'd be wealthy.
Hmmmmmm. Guess what all of you geniuses that get freaked out because Dan missed ONE Day of meds.????
WE are both sill here.
So take a valium, or whatever, and relax. Don't y'all have other things to worry about???
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Morning Dan,
How are you feeling today?
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I'm wondering how Dan is doing myself....
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Nuttin' to worry about, he's got his priest calendar to keep him occupied.
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Dan, sometimes we have to keep doing this for the man in our life..
Steer clear of stepping in that same hole. I know you know what it looks like. Step around it if you can honey..
Hugs,
Eric
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I'm OK. I've got 2 puppes in my lap giving me sweet kisses so that's good. There is nothing better to chase the blues away than from a fur babies unconditional love.This long distance relationship thing sure is hard on a middle aged queen. 18 days & I will see Hermie!Yesterday I recieved a very nice card from a forum member thanking me for sending them a bottle of Kaletra. That made put a big smile on my face when I opened the mailbox! . You know who you are, THANK YOU!
The job search isn't going all that great. That's gotten me down some, but I'm going to keep on keepin on'.
I'm gonna call my "huzbund" & get phone smootches, ain't nutin' mo betta than that!!!
I Love you all very, very much!
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Okay, before everyone gets the baseball bats out after me, what I am trying to illustrate here is that at a certain point, we become "tired". Tired of people preaching the safer-sex mantra, tired of being told, take our meds, etc...
Dan I assure you that in no way was I directing any of my statement at you but instead about how we need to find ways to get beyond thinking about doing and instead just doing. Further more, who's talking about raw ass-fucking? I'm talking about TALKING about it so much but not doing it.
If I was to make any point from my post it is that we need to find ways to continue the positive behaviors as well as continue to encourage these positive behaviors in such a way as to make them no longer tiresome or conscious. To make the thought of them secondary to the action.
I believe that we are placing way too much value on our thought about something and way to little on our actions.
That being said, I'll readily admit that there have been days when I have had the same thoughts and have also acted upon them as is noted in another thread here on the aidsmeds forum.
<deep breaths>
As Jeffreyj said, "...take a valium, or whatever, and relax."
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Does anyone besides me see the relationship to gay men and having safe sex inherent in this topic? ???
Nope, but I can guess where you're going with this...
8) -megasept
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if I miss a dose it's in the morning and it's one pill. but at night if I head to bed and I remember it's on my mind and won't let me sleep until I get up and take the damn thing.....
It's our own life we deal with, whether we reach perfection isn't reality. Try your best.
I had a lover that always used to point out that his grandfather lived to 95 and died in his sleep. Like that was somehow perfection. And the guy could have been a jerk, I don't know. Dieing early doesn't mean you failed. My ex died at about 49 and he was a jerk to me which is why I left him, I'm 53 does that mean I'm more sucessful? I try to be as nice as possible and do my best. These days tho I have to lower the bar physically but I feel I have more compassion for others after what I've been thru. He didn't have that.
am I rambling? making sense? Oh shut me up.....
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Okay, before everyone gets the baseball bats out after me, what I am trying to illustrate here is that at a certain point, we become "tired". *snip*
I believe that we are placing way too much value on our thought about something and way to little on our actions.
Mentally "tired", emotionally "tired" ... Yeah. We have emotions associated with the whoel meds experience
Using my imagination, emotions might be
e.g.
"Dam - I'll have nausea in a few hours."
"Shit, 10 years ago I didn't have to take these when I was HIV negative."
(Actually, this one's sort of been my personal "tune" lately LOL)
"Thank goodness I have these pills. I won't die now!"
(This one was me back in 2005 when I started meds)
or just plain
"Ughh, you again."
(This one would be akin to the old saying "familiarity breeds contempt", sort of like having and seeing the same ratty old couch for 20 years)
And the list goes on and on. So, emotions can make us tired. And I guess your point is "Less thinking, more doing" would be the ideal.
It probably would be the ideal.
If so, how do we get there? I would love to separate my emotions from taking meds and just have it be mechanical - but I don't know how
...
Oh, and to Dan, stay strong and do the right thing...
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Dan: I'm glad you're doing better today, and I'll see you in a few weeks! No worries if you are holed up in your hotel room for a while, though!
Jeffreyj: I am guilty of telling Dan what to do, but I did so because I care about him, like everyone else who posted including you, Mate. Firsthand, I don't have experience taking HIV meds, but I do take 7 pills daily for other conditions, and I know when I miss a dose because my guts remind me. I don't want anything sneaking up on Dan! And that boils down to another day of not taking meds, then another...It seems that most of us have verged the black mass called depression, and some of us get bogged down while others of us dance along the edge...
I just ordered him to do what I think is best because I'm selfish and I want to keep him around!
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"Dam - I'll have nausea in a few hours."
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"Ughh, you again."
(This one would be akin to the old saying "familiarity breeds contempt"...
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Oh, and to Dan, stay strong and do the right thing...
Boy, can I sympathize with you Dan. I used to barf every day from the meds I was taking. After a while, it even became a psychological problem. Touching the pills, or sometimes just thinking about them, and I'd be heaving. It wasn't a pretty time.
My meds are better now; but I still barf about once a week from the stupid meds. (But it ain't EVERY day, so I try to take some solace in that). Because I'm never quite certain which days my body and the meds are going to play nicely, I've been know to skip a few doses here and there. I used to have a terrible compliance problem when the side-effects of the meds affected me more, so I only feel a little guilty when I skip a dose a month.
I mean, it's hard to feel guilty when I've skipped the dose so I don't barf on a trip to the amusement park. Recently on a trip home for my Grandmother's 90th birthday, I tried to be a good boy and take the meds every day while out of my regular routine. I ended up barfing right after the birthday luncheon. ::) Go figure.
Damned if I do; damned if I don't.
However there is the part of me that just hates myself when I miss those dosages. Whenever I gone "uncompliant" for a short time, my VL has gone off the charts and I've gotten really sick (much more than just barfing every once in a while >:( )
Can I advocate that you skip your meds once in a while like I do? Heck no! Should I be doing it? Of course not! But I can understand how you feel. The only real advice I can honestly tell you (cause it's what I tell myself) is if you do skip a dose, try harder next time you feel the urge and take the meds.
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glad to hear you took the 2nd dose.
i sometimes don't get dressed or wash my face for the whole day, or leave the house, so i know what you mean. i just wanna log off for a while.
i am unable to work and things are accumulating. i so often feel like just giving up, why bother?
i do throw up a lot but not when i take the drugs. i am sure it's related b/c i didn't before. i even threw up right before dinner in tigger's house. i definately regard them as toxins but at the same time can't stop taking them, so i just do, and each day is pretty similar...
i just have to ask did you ever contemplate moving to europe? i don't know about belgium but if it's like the netherlands gay marriage/civil partnership is legal there and you could get all the rights and an eventual citizenship.
i am sure you have considered it i am just wondering. long distance relationship is my personal horror and i will do anything not to undergo that with my BF, who is spanish.
and btw, he really appreciated the priest calender, i got him the 2007 one when i was in italy last year and its hanging in his office.
Love is most probably the only effective painkiller...
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Love is most probably the only effective painkiller...
Matty the Damned can assure everyone that love is a shithouse painkiller. He can say, without fear of contradiction, that fentanyl is the most effective painkiller.
MtD
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I can buy fentanyl on the street a few blocks from my house I'm quite sure.
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I can buy fentanyl on the street a few blocks from my house I'm quite sure.
I have never "done" one, but Fentanyl "lollipops" are very popular around Jackson.Okay, before everyone gets the baseball bats out after me, what I am trying to illustrate here is that at a certain point, we become "tired". Tired of people preaching the safer-sex mantra, tired of being told, take our meds, etc...
Dan I assure you that in no way was I directing any of my statement at you but instead about how we need to find ways to get beyond thinking about doing and instead just doing. Further more, who's talking about raw ass-fucking? I'm talking about TALKING about it so much but not doing it.
If I was to make any point from my post it is that we need to find ways to continue the positive behaviors as well as continue to encourage these positive behaviors in such a way as to make them no longer tiresome or conscious. To make the thought of them secondary to the action.
I believe that we are placing way too much value on our thought about something and way to little on our actions.
That being said, I'll readily admit that there have been days when I have had the same thoughts and have also acted upon them as is noted in another thread here on the aidsmeds forum.
<deep breaths>
As Jeffreyj said, "...take a valium, or whatever, and relax."
Thank you Marc. I get what your saying now.
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I have never "done" one, but Fentanyl "lollipops" are very popular around Jackson.
It's mixed with heroin here I think and called something else, and every once in a while they find people in fetal positions dead right on the sidewalk.
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(http://opioids.com/fentanyl/perc-a-pop.jpg)
Manufacturer's spokeswoman: "Like any
opioid, there is a potential for misuse."
http://opioids.com/fentanyl/perc-a-pop.html
Source: CNN
Date: 27 April 2004
Lollipop drug hitting the streets
HARRISBURG, Pennsylvania -- A narcotic painkiller that looks like a lollipop -- designed to speed relief to cancer patients -- is starting to show up in illegal sales with the nickname "perc-a-pop."
The drug's ease of use and sweet taste have law enforcement officials worried about the potential for abuse. Actiq, a berry-flavored lozenge on a stick, contains the synthetic opioid fentanyl.
"We're starting to see it emerge as a drug that is, as we call it, 'diverted,' which is a legally prescribed drug being used illegally," said Kevin Harley, spokesman for state Attorney General Jerry Pappert.
"It's a drug that is easily administered or taken by somebody who might be afraid to either take a pill, snort or inject a needle in their arm."
The attractive taste -- described by the manufacturer as a "mild berry flavor" -- makes abuse more likely, he added. Harley said each Actiq lozenge retails for $9.10. The street value of a perc-a-pop is $20.
"We started seeing them in Philly, and that's where we understand the nickname came from," he said.
Manufactured by Cephalon Inc., Actiq's active ingredient is absorbed by rubbing the lozenge against the inside of the cheek.
It is approved by the Food and Drug Administration to combat "breakthrough pain," flare-ups suffered by cancer patients who are already taking narcotics in more conventional liquid or pill form to cope with chronic pain.
"Like any opioid, there is a potential for misuse," said company spokeswoman Stacey Backhardt. She said the company believes, however, "there has not been a substantial diversion of this product in the state or elsewhere."
Fentanyl was first introduced as an intravenous anesthetic called Sublimaze in the 1960s. Besides being taken orally, it is also dispensed as a transdermal patch under the trade name Duragesic.
Hospitals in the lower 48 states reported 576 incidents of non-medical use of fentanyl products in 2000; the number rose to 1,506 by 2002, said Leah R. Young, spokeswoman for the federal Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.
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tee hee... they even reference this drug den city where I live.
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Yeah, I thought you would get a kick out of reading that.
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i definately regard them as toxins but at the same time can't stop taking them, so i just do, and each day is pretty similar...
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Love is most probably the only effective painkiller...
i whole heartedly agree with both these points! ;D
The meds are toxic but are killing off the virus more than me, so I swallow them down. ::)
And love is the best! :-*
See the chart in my sig? See where the graph turns good these past three yrs? Ah, that's when I fell in love! And for all I gripe about being sick, I'm still the luckiest guy in the world. I haven't had just one perfect mate; but two! I still miss my Randy; but so glad to be with my Jim. :-*