out and about twenty years ago

[em]

I had hit hard times and was broke which is hard enough on it's own but broke HIV and hopeless overwhelming me. I had tried unsuccessfully to kill myself a few times but failed. obviously cause  I would not be here to write this.

Anyway one night after an extended time of isolation and seclusion. I thought I should go out an mingel go to were the fun was. I went to night spot that had a live band. I got in by asking if I could come in, the door man sound the owner who asked me if I had an reason why he should dead head me. In other words why should I get in free. I said this looks like such a nice club  I just wanted to have a good time. I turned out walk away and he said OK come on in. I thought wow there are nice people out there. I had gotten a glass at the bar and went up to a couple drinking from a pitcher of beer and asked if they would share they're beer. The guy got mad and his girl friend got angry and he pored me a glass. I then watched the band and thought wow this is great. Then I asked others for beer with no luck. The band had noticed what i was doing and decided to set me straight and teach me a lesson. During this song were the line goes something like I asked the Doctor what was wrong and he said you are in love. the first verse was like that or something  Forget how the song went it was popular way back when. Then after a a few cores es and lines the singer said I went to the Doctor and asked what was wrong and he said you have AIDS and pointed to me .

I laughed at them and looked around and everyone just stared at me with disgust. I left thinking how wrong was I about people. They can be the cruelest creachers with regard for what they do or say. It just amazes me that humans think OS fun and worth saying sometimes.

well that was twenty years ago and people are so much nicer now ( NOT ) The virus is not so deadly anymore but people are not any better then they have been or will be. 

thank you
em

[em]

Here is another HIV story from about twenty or twenty five years ago

I worked at a restaurant as a dish washer for a while. The place went under and closed. A while later I saw a coworker from the restaurant. He said our boss from  there  had died from AIDS. When he said it he had this serious focused stare that made me burst out laughing. He was trying to be stern and show concern  . He was so confused and angry He then said it's not funny. I did not explain that My out burst was not because of there death.  I was  laughing at the look on his face  not that they had died. I was also laughing and did not take it so serious because I in all likely hood I would have and almost did have the same fate.

Maybe not funny but just a little accidental HIV incident.

[weasel]

 Hi EM ,

 spent ten minutes writing .
It went POOF 

   I feel your pain .

                                                HUGS , Carl

[undeniable]

15 years ago family member was surprised that I was pregnant.. she assumed I would have been sterilized since I was positive.  How crazy is that?

[em]

thank you for your response undeniable

15 years ago I believe that is when the new drugs started to make mother to child transmission a non issue.  I think I could be wrong ? Still must have been very scary though.

I remember reading about sperm washing to remove the HIV form the sperm and using it for artificial insemination. they mentioned it on the old POZ forum website.

 before it was available I had said to my ID doc I know there are very small mammary glands in the male reproductive system from reading an anatomy book on male reproduction that goes along with the immune cells and that might be ware the virus is hiding. Then the  sperm cells that I had felt did not carry the virus might be separated out maybe using a centrifuge or something  . like separating cream from milk I barely started to explain my thought and the first part when he said there is no milk in sperm ? A few months later he had mentioned they were doing sperm washing to remove the virus form the infected immune cells in the ejaculate. I looked into it and it was being done in New York city at $800 a try. Around the late nineties or so I think.

now you might regret getting my started at typing

sorry I was goin to start a new thread but do not want to take away from others who might have more to say and worries to share.

It is a concern of mine from support groups I used to go too and was even in the stage version of rent  I saw in New York city when I was there years ago.

How do you feel today ?

 in rent  the song that says  will I loss my dignity was played. I do not recall if it was in the movie ?

Me personally I never speak to anyone anymore and keep to myself.

I had spent the major part of today working on this and just copied over to here I have no where else or any one else to send it too.   know it is more of blog or even a sermon but I really wanted to share it I hope you do not mind to much any way if you are not in the mood to read it please stop here and go read someone  else's short entry.

thank you for letting me share my thoughts 

how do you feel today?

I am alive.

what do I say about HIV today  I just wish there was no fear to this but there was and still is. It is like real life before HIV with an emotional multiplier attached. Making the good ever so much more special and the little things more valuable. That makes every breath taken and savored  worth a feeling of special celebration . Then the sorrow and fear well they are just extremely enormous and unbearable.
 Like the country song  to live you are dying

I have been reading a lot of these forum messages lately maybe to much.  Like I once heard a priest say on a movie when questioned about life  there are two things I know one is that god has a plan and the other is I am not GOD.

Life with HIV is better now and  will only get even better. I hope life gets better and my ability to deal with it improves. Even after a confirmed  25 years of carrying this load.

sorry I had wanted to write something inspiring and emotional to help myself and others. most of the stuff I have been writing I just save to my computer and will maybe just delete it when I feel it serves no purpose anymore. maybe it never did serve a purpose but I had wanted to try. Maybe the purpose was to clear my head.I guess being an inspiration is beyond my grasp and  the feeling I try to convey just comes across as over emotional and worthless.

Like the author of crime and punishment I will not even try to spell his name after writing the first draft he took it out and burnt it cause it was so emotional he could not let it exist

like Steven King after getting his first book Carrie rejected for so many times he through it in the trash were his wife had found it and told him to keep trying

what am I trying to say do not give up to myself and to others maybe some day we will over come and be victorious

I am still alive ; filled with all life has to offer. I just hope I can find away to live as much and as well as  I feel I can and should.

just some nonsense I hope may inspire and make others feel not alone as  I want to feel as well and give some order to the chaos by sharing a thought others maybe thinking but not putting to words.   

I know a bit wordy and drifty without any real point just some words thrown out to scatter in the wind hope fully finding  a spot to settle and make some one think things are not so bad HIV positive or not

I read this and rewrote it a grunch load of times so please do not think I am being frivolous with your time

grunch load my own term it means a lot, many, large amount 

all my best to you

EM






 

[em]

HI Carl

I write and think to much, some, well most times.

sorry your ten minutes spent writing disappeared.

I just wrote another long winded response and deleted it because I have already written way to much.

thank you for seeing and responding to my rant

all my best to you

EM

 

[undeniable]

My thoughts drift around me, engulfing me
before falling to my feet like rain drops.
Absorbed into the soil
Filtered by the sands of time

Sometimes we are given burdens to learn how strong we are. 
Other times our burdens are so that we may learn to ask for help. 
And then there are the burdens we carry to teach others the value of strength and humility. 

How can the immortal soul truly learn empathy unless it experiences and witnesses human pain and frailty. 

My comfort is knowing that I am exactly where and who I am meant to be.