POZ Community Forums
HIV Prevention and Testing => Do I Have HIV? => Topic started by: Justlookingforhonesty on December 11, 2013, 09:41:14 pm
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Ok here goes. I am a MSM (man who has sex with other men) and I had unprotected anal sex (VERY high risk, I know) about two months back. I was so disappointing with myself. I very rarely have anal sex, I mostly just engage in oral sex and rimming, but on the rare occasions that I do have anal, I always wear a condom.
I just got carried away in the heat of the moment. I made a huge mistake that I am regretting so much and cannot stop thinking about. It was at a gay bathhouse, me and this other guy went into a private cubicle and he wanted me to fuck him, he had two condoms with him and I tried to put the first one on and I just couldn't - I kept losing my erection in the process of trying to get it on, then once it was on I lost my erection again putting lube on my penis. I just do not get on with them at all (which is one reason I rarely have anal) I then tried the second condom he had and same problem with keeping my erection.
I rimmed him for a while and we kissed, sucked each other off and jerked off together and then I started rubbing my penis against his rectum (frottage).
He then asked me "are you negative?" and I said "yes" to which he answered "ok, just go for it then" and in the heat of the moment (I was so turned on and was so horny !) I pushed my way inside him.
I am so angry with myself, I have never barebacked in my life to this point, I have always been so anti-BB and so against unprotected sex because of the risks involved and have always been so careful - and I made this huge error in the heat of the moment. I just cannot believe it.
I was pumping away inside him for about 5 minutes or maybe a little longer, and then when I felt my orgasm mounting, I pulled out of him and ejaculated onto the floor.
Again, I have to say I regret this so much, and I cannot stop thinking about it. The pleasure that my penis felt being inside his anus was the most intense and enjoyable feeling I had ever felt....yet that situation could prove to be the end of my life as I know it, forever more.
I am extremely worried and frightened, I do test regularly for HIV and have always come back negative - as I have always practiced safer sex - I just got carried away in this one situation and my feelings of hornyness took over. I know I have said it lots, and have been very repetetive , but I am just so so so so shocked at myself.
This was unprotected anal sex with an anonymous stranger whose HIV status is unknown to me, so I know that's how most HIV transmission takes place and I know the odds are all against me - I performed the most high risk sexual activity as far as HIV transmission goes, and I do expect I shall be told the worst news when I go for my test at the 3 month mark. I never even thought to go and get PEP.
I'll stop rambling, I just need honest advice, although I don't know why, as I know what the result is going to be........by the way, all of you (Andy, Ann, Jeff, RapidRod and others) cannot be thanked enough for the time you spend on this site, advising people and just being there for people....you spend so much time on here that you could spend doing other things and it is not something that should go without appreciation - I am sure most of us who come to the forums do appreciate your honest opinions and advice....which is what I know I will get :)
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There are only a few things I can advise that you haven't already touched on . Its in your favor that you were the insertive partner, that makes it somewhat of a lower risk than if you were the receptive partner . Although you had a risk its important to remember that not every exposure ends in a HIV infection so all is not lost . You can test 6 weeks past any possible exposure and again at 3 months to confirm the results .
If you haven't done so its a good idea to have full sexual health care checkup for all STD's, some can be present without symptoms and are much easier to get than HIV so get your checkup and good luck .
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Justlooking,
It sounds as though you could do with sexualising condoms for yourself. It appears that they are a turn-off for you at present, but you can fix that. After all, 90% of good sex is all in the head (the big one, not the little one) anyway.
What I suggest you do is that next time you are viewing porn, get some condoms out and start practicing putting them on and wanking with them on. This will serve two purposes.
One, practice makes perfect and you'll be able to put a condom on correctly, without fumbling around, in no time. Fumbling around with a condom is a mood killer for both parties.
Two, if you can start associating condoms with pleasure, it will go a long way in helping you maintain your erection.
My suggestions come from helping partners get over their condom problems, so I know they work - if you put the work in yourself.
You can also use the act of putting on a condom as part of foreplay (ie getting him to help in a sexually playful way), although I realise that the concept of foreplay doesn't really fly in a bathhouse. However, you can do this during more intimate encounters.
While I do not expect you to end up hiv positive over this one-off insertive incident, you must test to be sure. Like Jeff said, make sure you also test for all the other, MUCH more easily transmitted STIs as well, as they can be present with no obvious symptoms.
Ann