POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: YaKaMein on June 14, 2008, 04:32:59 am
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Like many, I've lurked for months, finally registered and after a few false starts ... am finally posting. I'm in the process of restoring my life. A final vestige is confronting the world as a survivor of male rape who was infected with HIV. I know there are other men like me BUT are silent. After being diagnosed with PCP in 2006, I could no longer avoid dealing with my attack. However, I've been focused on improving my physical health and managing my HIV infection. It's been a difficult challenge but have done quite well. Now, in forging an emotional recovery I'm starting to disclose about my rape and knew this forum would be a good and safe place. It's a remarkable community and look forward to being a part of it. Kudos to the most comprehensive and positive [no pun] HIV/AIDS resource available!!
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hi there YaKaMein,
I always wonder who the lurkers are...
I'm glad to hear you're recovering from the horrible thing that happened to you & unburdening some.
welcome! :)
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Welcome. :)
MtD
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Hey YaKaMein
Welcome to the forums. I wish you the best in dealing with the horrible stuff that has happened to you and looking forward to a better future.
Matt.
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(http://img211.imageshack.us/img211/1705/633077035389898ma0.gif)
welcome
ronnie
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Hi Yaka
Welcome to the forums, I'm sorry to hear you have been through such a terrible ordeal but it's good to know that you are starting to come to terms with everything, I'm sure it has been a huge challenge for you but you seem to be coping well dispite all the trauma you have been through, it's always good to talk and the guys here are good listeners, so if you have any question don't be afraid to ask they, the guys here will give you the support you need.
Take care
Hugs
Jan
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Welcome to the forums. Hope to hear more from you.
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Yakamein,
Hello, and welcome to the forums.
Ray
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Hello YaKaMein,
I don't check in here often, but welcome to the forums nonetheless. Good for you in for being courageous and confronting this challenge!
Daniel
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Welcome to you.
Aelwyd
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hello & welcome
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Hi There.
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YKM,
Congratulations on adding your voice to those of other survivors of man-on-man rape. Whether perpetrated by a stranger, a family member, or an intimate partner, sexual violence eats at one's core, regardless of one's sexuality, until the silence is ended. I was violently raped on October 16, 1984, at the end of an abusive relationship; and I limited and minimized myself for many years until I began to speak of the experience.
While resources for male survivors are sparse, they are out there. You can find many through the organizations listed at: http://www.rainbowresponse.org/links.html (http://www.rainbowresponse.org/links.html)
Namaste,
David
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Welcome YaKaMein and hope you find much support and assistance here.
Jody
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I salute you for the courage it requires to come out. I am glad you found your voice here. I don't know quite how to say this but honoring what you have lost is important and speaking out and being listened to is part of this. rick
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Welcome to the forums!
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Welcome, YaKaMein! Congrats on graduating from lurker to member.
Peter Staley
Founder
AIDSmeds.com
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You guys ROCK but you know this. It seems silly now but that little blurb took me hours to compose and then, rewrite ugh.
My rape was in 2004, Like many, I did not report it to police or seek medical attention at the time. I simply fled. It seemed enough just to have not been killed. It was survivor mode. I was a pro at rationalization and processing and still am. I know now it was clouded judgment at best with shock and disbelief. Immediately, thoughts flooded in that had me reassessing and second guessing what had happened. Fear and shame arrived with their friend: denial. I knew that one day I'd have to deal with the rape but welcomed the delay. Fast forward almost two years [and much stuff in between], my declining health was the eureka. The delay was over. But, I had to literally fight for my life and begin a new journey. I was on the mend; then my insurer of two months cancelled me. That betrayal was the catalyst for my anger and rage. NOT!!!
With my rape, my ability to trust, even myself, was damaged. Anyone who has been raped or physically attacked knows what that violence does. It's astounding how quick it is to blame yourself, feel responsible, wish you had done more, and how hard it is to express the pain and anger. My attack was random, not domestic or with incarceration; though that hardly matters. With therapy, the emotions broke like the levees. I scoured online for resources for adult men who are raped and walked the aisles at bookstores learning there were/are limited resources that directly address my needs. The local rape crisis center was very empathetic but acknowledged the lack of help available. Male victims are more often invisible and pose an understandable threat to the majority of rape victims who are women. By now, I had idealized a male rape support group so my therapist at my local ASO put out feelers. There was some interest but nothing materializing.
Over the last few months in addition to finding poz/aidsmeds, I located these sites each with pros and cons
http://www.findingyourmarbles.com [not current or interactive, but positive and helpful[
http://www.malesurvivor.org [actually improved their site and outreach focus recently]
http://www. scarleteen.com [mostly focused for women but men can benefit a lot here]
My set of family and friends are wonderfully supportive insisting they are giving me what I give them. I have an ASO that's fantastic as I need them. I take little for granted and am very appreciative. I feel more alive and better now than I have for a long time. My disclosure has been very careful about my health and the same about my rape. I know others are willing to listen but I have a hard time talking openly about my feelings and of my rape. Until recently, I've been far too narrow in my scope of who could 'understand' what I've gone through. FYI, I'll be joining a HIV support this week .... no promises on how much I'll participate. I'm naturally supportive and a good listener but retarded at allowing others to reciprocate. It's a big and anxious step for me. OK, I'm getting better [no longer a victim but a survivor] and trying to integrate my rape with a better perspective: It's my history and not my life.
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Ya...Joinging that support group is a great idea...Dedicating what usually amounts to an hour or so a week is the least you can do for yourself and others living with HIV...when you go for the first time it is of course difficult as you think the usual questions- Will I be liked, will I fit in? But going back a second time is perhaps even more difficult as you think, was I liked, do the folks want me to return?...Chances are excellent that a bright fellow like you will not only be accepted but embraced and that you will gain much knowledge and support and have much to offer after a time.
Good luck,
Jody
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Yaka, welcome. We're glad to have you here. And thanks for opening up more about what happened to you. You've done an impressive job of dealing, something which along with obviously being good for you, will no doubt also be helpful to others.
You're always welcome to talk about anything that's on your mind and of course to ask questions.
Cheers,
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Hello Yaka,
It takes time to trust again, and sometimes it feels like it will never happen, but with the help and support you will get there in your own time. Be patient with yourself and don't blame yourself. You were attacked against your will and no human being should ever be subjected to this or any kind of violence.
I think you will like it here Yaka. Peace.
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My gut told me it was good to post here. So, I guess I'm really ready since I've said more here than anywhere else. Gosh it feels good and somewhat stupid that I've waited so long. Again, thanks for everyone's support and understanding. It fortifies my resolve.
RedBear: I'm glad you shared your experience. I only know of one other male who 'knows' how it is to be attacked.
Anyone other guys out there??? Yeah, it's not entirely altruistic that I've posted. I acknowledge some selfish motives here. I've been silent too long and feel your pain. Just know when you're ready, you'll know it!
Jody: Not sure if it will be a good fit. I've processed with my therapist and conferred with the group leader. Nothing ventured I guess. Thanks be to lorazepam right now. LOL!
OutofDarkness: Part of my insight has been to admit the damage to my trust. I was far too trusting [defensive, i know]. I want to find that continuum again and move more to the middle.
Good News/Bad News: the group i'm joining is only for eight [8] weeks. Maybe I'll renew my option.
I"ll keep you informed about how it goes or not. YaKaMein
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Hello and welcome to the forums. Even though you don't really know us, the fact that you are able to describe your feelings is good. Keep on posting (it always seems to help when something's on my mind) and take care.
David
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Yaka, welcome. We're glad to have you here. And thanks for opening up more about what happened to you. You've done an impressive job of dealing, something which along with obviously being good for you, will no doubt also be helpful to others.
You're always welcome to talk about anything that's on your mind and of course to ask questions.
Cheers,
I'm sure the links provided on this post will be a benefit to many others.
The forums here have many kind people who are always there for you.
good luck to you my friend, and welcome to the forums
Lucas
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YaKaMein,
As others have already, I wish to offer my welcome to the forums.
Your experience is a tragic one, but one that you have already handled much better then others - and I speak from my own personal experience.
I think you are wise to recognize the issues that have arisen from the traumatic experience because by knowing of their origin, you already know that you can overcome the consequences of that horrific moment.
My best to you, and my awe and support in how well you have come to discuss this experience to all of us.
Iggy
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Attended my first meeting of the HIV support. When I arrived I could feel my heart leaping in my chest. It wound up being fewer members than anticipated. We had some introductions with yours truly always opting to speak last. We were served lunch and HIV 101 information before breaking some more ice. Overall, it went well and am sure it can be helpful over the next few weeks.
My goal is to utilize the group to open up more about my rape - or at least that's my hope. I'm aware of having the same issue I have in individual counseling. I'm anxious to put the attack behind me, that is, rather reconfigure it in some way. I know I can do it--just not sure how. It affects my trust, safety, physical intimacy [zero, here] and some nagging emotions. Some call that moving on but I'm just a little stuck on this right now. Sounds as clear as mud, right?
i seem to have 'moved on' with HIV to a large degree. Don't misread me: I'm not at all nonchalant about how HIV affects my life [you know the struggles] and I've had my share. I think in the future which wasn't the case two years ago.
Anyway, am looking for PMs from any men who have been raped and are ready to or need to talk about it.
Hope everyone is doing well today or the best we can.
Later, YaKaMein
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Update: Okay, so I still avoided sharing in the second meeting that I was raped.
In answering a question from the facilitator, I could have seized an opp to mention it. It was in my head, but other words got in the way. So, I chickened out a little.
Upside was the interaction was good among us with some interesting discussion of HIV histories. Plus, it's the only other place I hear [literally] others speak of meds, side effects, disclosure, etc ... that is aside from this wondrous forum. Like being here, I'm glad I'm there too.
Next week's topic is 'Sex after HIV' something I've avoided as well, hmmm YaKa
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Yaka---
Welcome to the Forums and thanks for sharing. I was raped on my 20th birthday back in 1989. When I reported it to the police they dropped it because it was a date rape and the person who raped me passed the lie detector test. Considering how hard it was for me being a woman, I know it had to be even worse for you as a man.
I am glad you found some support with the group you are in and joining the forum. Don't feel bad about not wanting to share about the rape with your group. It is only your second meeting and when you feel like sharing it, you will.
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I appreciate that Queen T! and I admire that you had the courage to report it -- at least you did. I hope that you've healed some pain.
Yeah, there's some mindf*(K, more then than now. It is what it is, right now for me. I"m working on it though.
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Well, I'm halfway finished with the eight week group. Last week we talked about sex after HIV, disclosure, tips and information on safer sex [complete with condoms, sex toys, sexy attire, demonstration purposes only] - am practicing the safest of all, abstinence. Admittedly, my avoidance of sex has less to do with HIV and more with physical intimacy issues. Few know about my health and even fewer about my rape. Those who do know are understanding about my reluctance.
Am pretty social so others ask if I'm seeing anyone, my answer is 'nope, not interested right now.' Of course, that's never the end of it. What follows is the drill ... are u dating?, why not? when will u start? blah, blah. I know it's typical conversation. Still, I get a little anxious and annoyed if they try to press with the whys???. Who likes interrogations anyway? LOL
Truthfully, removing myself from opportunity removes me from having to deal with it, obviously. Not being open to looking means, not having to deal with dating, disclosure or doing something that might freak me out in an intimate situation. Physical intimacy seems taboo right now. I used to be concerned about possible anger and striking out. I'd like to think the rage I felt toward my attackers has lessened; it seems so, but how do you test that with someone? I'm not ready to tackle that yet. So, worrying about how I might react to a loving touch or embracing action the wrong way leaves me a bit uneasy. It's even more crazy if I have to disclosure about HIV status and being raped.
I know they're separate issues but for me they're so intertwined. It's hard talking about one without the other. It was one of the reasons why initially I didn't want to apply for SSDI because I felt like I'd have to divulge about both and I was 'ashamed' of the rape. Luckily, there was no pressure about it. My therapist helped me sort through my feelings and see it a medical claim. We even marked through all references in the medical record I gave SS.
So, these are some of my ponderings. Since it's a HIV support group, there was sharing of what some have done and how they negotiate and when or how they disclose ... and then there's the not-ready-for-prime time me. Anyhow, that's my update. -YaKaMein
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Hey YaKaMein,
You sound like you're doing wonderfully. Fearing (or just avoiding) intimacy after being raped is normal. When you're ready, you'll know. Good luck and thanks for letting us know how you're doing with it.
Luv,
Betty
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Hey Betty,
Am beginning to think my trust issues (distrust of others) may just be I'm not trusting myself enough. Go figure! huh?
I think you're right: I'll know ready when it appears. Or at least I hope so. Until then, am trudging along pretty well. :'(
Luving ya back for the support.
-YaKa
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Hey Yaka-
I was drugged and raped myself about three years back, by a friend of a friend (I did not get HIV from that). I have not really spoken about it much but it is a lot to handle on one person. I no longer let it affect my life and try and let the past be the past but you sound like you are doing great these days working it all out. Way to go! I do still have trust issues and major insecurities about myself probably due in part to my experience, you are not alone. I wish you the best remember to focus on the here and now and enjoy the little things!!
~J
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Here's an update. The HIV support group took a three week hiatus for the summer and has two more meetings left. It's a nice set of fellows with good camaraderie. Not surprisingly, I decided not to 'come out' about my rape with the group. The group facilitator, who is not my therapist, is aware of why I joined the group. He's quite understanding of my hesitancy to reveal. The issue is mine and not reflective of the nature of the group. My therapist is overjoyed at where I am with this. She's admitted how proud she is that I've gotten where I am.
I do think i more confidence about being willing to reveal about this. Actually, my birthday is tomorrow. Maybe, a nice present to myself will be to tell someone who doesn't know of my rape over the weekend. Hmmmm, who will be my victim? LOL, a recipient of more information than ready to hear. Maybe I've over-intergrated HIV+/rape survivor.
Meanwhile, I was also asked to consider being on a local council. It's a regional AIDS planning council that is charged with prioritizing and allocating RWHC. part A funds to local ASO's. I applied and had an interview this week. They were glad and surprised that I've stated a willingness to serve as a known HIV+ status member [what will they think if they know i've been raped <grin>?]. If recommended to serve, it may be a few weeks before approval. Apparently, the funds are contracted to the city, so my nomination must be okayed thru the Mayor's office. I've been somewhat self-isolating for the past few years for many reasons ... this seems like a big deal for many who know me. I've not been involved in any community for years. I enjoyed when I did and look forward, I think, to getting my feet dampened again. So, I'll may the join the ranks of many here who contribute something back. I've certainly benefited recently and am so grateful.
Such are the tales of my so-called life. Hoping all here is healthy, doing well, and wealthier in every way possible.
hugs. -YaKaMein
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congrats on the progress and happy bday!
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Hey YaKa,
Happy birthday, first of all. About the rape, when you talk about it, it is as if you are the rape. Remember, it's not you, it's something that happened to you. I had a hard time with that when I was raped when I was 14-15. Good luck with the council seat. You'd make a good member.
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Thanks Next2U & Betty for the b-day shout.
Also, thanks for the observation Betty. I hadn't realized this. I don't know if it's because it's near four yrs now, or some defensive coping thing. My efforts have been to integrate it as part of my history, to own that it happened to me [as opposed to wrestling with second-guessing blaming myself], and to figure how the best ways to put it behind me. You know the pains being raped reaps ... FEELING damaged.
There's a part of me, however slight, that feels damaged emotionally by the rape and physically by HIV. My fears range from freaking out at a physically intimate moment that I'll misread or overreact ... to ... feeling unsafe, unclean. These are just feelings since I know in my head none of that is real. I've avoided testing reality by avoiding physical, viz., sexual intimacy. I know I"ll get there, trust me.
Anyway, the bday has been quiet so far [like Obama's VP pick] but with various well wishes from loved ones and jokes about aging. I did get a letter in the mail today from the Council's nominating committee saying they're 'submitting my name for approval by the Mayor' [way too formal] ... quoting Jack Nicholson as the Joker in Batman: "Wait until they get a load of me!" LOL
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YaKa,
Even if this happened four years ago, if this is the first time you're really dealing with it, of course you're feeling all the normal emotions every rape victim feels. When I was raped, I didn't totally shut down physically; I went to the other extreme (fucking all the time [though I did get paid most of the time ;)]). I didn't have counseling right afterward and I think that's why I did what I did-'cause I never emotionally dealt with it.
Anyway, as you know, it's a process and every emotion, feeling etc. you feel is normal and has been experienced and worked through by others. I wish you luck in this and please let us know how that council seat thing comes out. :-*
Luv,
Betty
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LOL Betty .... I could use the money and the release 8). I'll get over this hump or lack of humping :'(
Heading out to join have some bday drinks with friends .... big hug at ya BL ... luv , back -YaKa
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YaKaMein,
You may me surprised to find out there are others in your support group that have been raped or sexually abused. The topic came up when I was in a support group in southern Florida about 7 years ago. There were 10 guys in the group. Some how we were talking about why we were gay and the conversation turned into a discussion about if any of us were sexually abused when we were younger. Eight out of the ten guys had been raped or forced to have sex with an uncle, older brother or a father. I was totally shocked. As I got to know each person, I learned most of their stories.
Sexual abuse is more common that most people are aware of. Those affected, just don't want to share their experience. If you get to a point in the support group, you may want to ask the group leader to bring up the topic of sexual abuse and see if others have had similar issues. I was surprised how everyone in the group opened up and shared their experience. It ended up being quite a bonding experience to know what others had endured.
Good Luck if you get involved with the Ryan White Council. The group does a lot of good for the community. Just beware that politics is everywhere there is government funding.