Just Got Dumped

[spc14]

My partner broke up with me 2 days ago. I'm poz - he's neg. We would have been together 8 yrs this week. Our serostatus was not the problem. It was my depression. Five years ago I was diagnosed with anal-rectal cancer. This happened just as he started his second your at a prestigious medical school. I moved in with him a year before, med school and was commuting to work every day.

Then I got sick. REALLY sick, from the cancer, because the tumor itself was tiny and had not perforated through any tissue, and hadn't affected my lymph nodes. Stage 1. The treatment though, almost killed me. Literally. I went from having almost 1000 T-cells to 209 in one month. Chemo is like a big Gorilla...it just kills everything in site. That in addition to 30 days of radiation, was very bad. I developed a fever of 105, three weeks into the treatment. None of the doctors knew what was the cause...they were all very worried. Somehow, even though I could have died. I never thought it was possible. Perhaps that's why I'm alive today.

So after the treatment, what was a undiagnosed underlying condition, depression, came out full on. I was then diagnosed with Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and PTSD, with a mild case of ADHD. WOW! Then I was laid off from my job, while I was having followup visits. I was in the CAT scan room when I got the message that I had lost my job. To which I was supposed to return to the following week. Who wouldn't get depressed?

So the last 5 years I have spent struggling with depression, being with a partner who was never home, all sorts of therapies, and only until very recently, I was starting to see glimmers of who I was before all of this happened. Started to volunteer, so I could ease my way back into the work force. Started to meet friends of my own. Started a mindful meditation group in my home, with plans to expand to offering sitting meditation at the LGBT Gay Center. That was the me that I knew. Coming back to life. And my partner was being very supportive of all this. This past Sunday, like a sledge hammer, he said: "I don't think we should be together anymore". This is also our 8Th anniversary week. I'm devastated. I'm still in love.

You may think this post has nothing to do with HIV. However, ana-rectal cancer is becoming more prevalent among people living with AIDS. Well, at least, studies are beginning to show a pattern. Don't freak out! Very few people are coming down with it. I just happened to be one of the "lucky" ones.

Thx...I needed to vent.

[Matty the Damned]

My partner broke up with me 2 days ago. I'm poz - he's neg. We would have been together 8 yrs this week. Our serostatus was not the problem. It was my depression. Five years ago I was diagnosed with anal-rectal cancer. This happened just as he started his second your at a prestigious medical school. I moved in with him a year before, med school and was commuting to work every day.

Then I got sick. REALLY sick, from the cancer, because the tumor itself was tiny and had not perforated through any tissue, and hadn't affected my lymph nodes. Stage 1. The treatment though, almost killed me. Literally. I went from having almost 1000 T-cells to 209 in one month. Chemo is like a big Gorilla...it just kills everything in site. That in addition to 30 days of radiation, was very bad. I developed a fever of 105, three weeks into the treatment. None of the doctors knew what was the cause...they were all very worried. Somehow, even though I could have died. I never thought it was possible. Perhaps that's why I'm alive today.

So after the treatment, what was a undiagnosed underlying condition, depression, came out full on. I was then diagnosed with Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and PTSD, with a mild case of ADHD. WOW! Then I was laid off from my job, while I was having followup visits. I was in the CAT scan room when I got the message that I had lost my job. To which I was supposed to return to the following week. Who wouldn't get depressed?

So the last 5 years I have spent struggling with depression, being with a partner who was never home, all sorts of therapies, and only until very recently, I was starting to see glimmers of who I was before all of this happened. Started to volunteer, so I could ease my way back into the work force. Started to meet friends of my own. Started a mindful meditation group in my home, with plans to expand to offering sitting meditation at the LGBT Gay Center. That was the me that I knew. Coming back to life. And my partner was being very supportive of all this. This past Sunday, like a sledge hammer, he said: "I don't think we should be together anymore". This is also our 8Th anniversary week. I'm devastated. I'm still in love.

You may think this post has nothing to do with HIV. However, ana-rectal cancer is becoming more prevalent among people living with AIDS. Well, at least, studies are beginning to show a pattern. Don't freak out! Very few people are coming down with it. I just happened to be one of the "lucky" ones.

Thx...I needed to vent.

I've gotta say this is amongst the better First Posts I've ever read in this place, and I've been here a while.

Welcome to the forums SPC! Sorry about the ass cancer and sorry about the ex-husband.

But I'm not sorry you've found your way here.

Have a kiss. 

MtD

[wolfter]

Sorry to read this but am glad you found this place.  There's a lot of great advice and support here.

Take care and best sehsiw.

Wolfie

[Jeff G]

Welcome to the forums . I'm sorry you are going through the heartache of a breakup . I found the forums when I was pretty low and the support I got here made a huge difference in my life and recovery . I hope we can make it a little more bearable for you too .

[Lad_Liam]

Hi Spc, I agree, sad news but greatly written post. Hope venting it helped.

In your post I can see that despite the challenges you have always risen. Now you in a strong position to deal with this sudden departure:

You are well connected
There are people around who care for you
You are strong and resilient

Also, now you are more aware that you prefer boyfriends who are home more than once in a while. So, you can use that info for choosing the next one :-)

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you feel how much those who read it empathize and wish you well in this.

[spacebarsux]

I concur; your first post greatly exhibits your resilient spirit.

Sorry about the break-up and the cancer.

Look forward to your participation on the forums spc. Welcome. 

[spc14]

Thx you guys. You're all very sweet. Thanks for the encouragement. I'm glad I've come here.

MtD it's very funny that you call it "ass cancer" because I was thinking that I should start a campaign similar to those produced for breast cancer...only use the term "ass cancer" instead. I think most people would identify with that term, more than "anal-rectal" cancer. It feels as if I should be wearing opera glasses and gloves, while snobbishly reciting the term.

Thanks for all the compliments on my composition. Perhaps I should write publicly more often. However it would be nice to actually learn how to spell, because if it weren't for Spale Shek, I don't know where I'd be.

Thanks again for warming my heart.

W

[buginme2]

I was thinking that I should start a campaign similar to those produced for breast cancer...only use the term "ass cancer" instead.

I think you should.  I've been going through treatment for anal dysplasia and it's a pain in the ass.  I can't imagine if it progressed.  More HIV positive people should be aware of it. 

Sorry to hear about the break up.  Sounds like you've been through a lot.

[Miss Philicia]

spc14, sorry to hear of your travails. I hope you hang around and always feel free to vent some more, you have been through a lot.

ps: I went to the colorectal doctor for an inspection just last week, and it went so well that when he stuck the anoscopy device up my hole I had to ask him if it was in there yet. I've always been a sloppy bottom.

[spc14]

spc14, sorry to hear of your travails. I hope you hang around and always feel free to vent some more, you have been through a lot.

ps: I went to the colorectal doctor for an inspection just last week, and it went so well that when he stuck the anoscopy device up my hole I had to ask him if it was in there yet. I've always been a sloppy bottom.

LOL...thank you...you made me laugh.

[HereIAm]

Dear SPC

I will add my welcome to the others here who have already written. I too thought your story was well written though sad. Thank you for sharing it with us.

It is encouraging to read of successes. This may sound strange but I am calling your story a success. But, in fact it is a success. You like the rest of us here have obtained a virus that used to kill most people, yet you are living. You got the now infamous ass cancer, took the treatment (which was obviously no picnic) and have yet lived. I will tell you, on a side and personal note, my little tough Republican grandmother died of ass cancer and she did not have HIV.

I'm so glad you are here and sharing your story with us. Obviously, none of us have any magic words to make you better. But sometimes just speaking it, or writing it as the case may be, helps!

I can't wait to read more things you write.

Regards,

Auntie Here!

[Raf]

Man, you have survived both teh aids, and the ass cancer, and you are still here writing, so you could call yourself a warrior. Keep your head up.

I still have some depression issues even with 4 years living with this virus..if I get a cancer dx on top of that, the depression might kill me (that is if the treatment doesn't kill me first). I don't know if I could manage a thing like that.

[LiveLaugh]

So sorry to hear of your trials.  I am recently diagnosed and starting to go through some depression....so I cannot really give any vital information.  But I will say I have gotten some wonderful Information on this Online community and hope to continue.  As well, hope to educate some new comers one day!  Hold your head up.  You are a good person and life is here.....grab it and make what you want it to be!

[spc14]

Dear SPC

I will add my welcome to the others here who have already written. I too thought your story was well written though sad. Thank you for sharing it with us.

It is encouraging to read of successes. This may sound strange but I am calling your story a success. But, in fact it is a success. You like the rest of us here have obtained a virus that used to kill most people, yet you are living. You got the now infamous ass cancer, took the treatment (which was obviously no picnic) and have yet lived. I will tell you, on a side and personal note, my little tough Republican grandmother died of ass cancer and she did not have HIV.

I'm so glad you are here and sharing your story with us. Obviously, none of us have any magic words to make you better. But sometimes just speaking it, or writing it as the case may be, helps!

I can't wait to read more things you write.

Regards,

Auntie Here!

Thank you Auntie. Everyone has been very kind.

[brenner]

Sorry to hear about the butt cancer...glad you are here though.  We,re here for you.
Kisses

[pozniceguy]

great  posting  welcome to the  group....sent you a PM  look for it..

Nick

[Rev. Moon]

Hi Spc and welcome to our disfunctional pozzie family.  Sorry about all that you've gone through, but I'm glad that you found us --and I get the feeling the you are one tough cookie.  I look forward to your future contributions.

[spc14]

Man, you have survived both teh aids, and the ass cancer, and you are still here writing, so you could call yourself a warrior. Keep your head up.

I still have some depression issues even with 4 years living with this virus..if I get a cancer dx on top of that, the depression might kill me (that is if the treatment doesn't kill me first). I don't know if I could manage a thing like that.

You'd be surprised how much one can muster when they have when confronted with a bear like cancer. It tried to kick my ass literally, but I kicked its ass instead. Chances are you're not going to come down with ass cancer. But just to be sure, why not have a doctor look up your bunghole. I'm so used to it by now, I barely think about it. I think I could read a book while it's happening. But then I would just fall asleep, which always happens when I'm reading on my side.

I like the idea of being a warrior. Yeah that's what I am. Thanks. I hear stuff like that all the time in my crossfit classes. I just never thought of myself one.  Thx for your encouragement.

[tednlou2]

Spc, welcome to the forums.  Man, you have been through so much.  So, you've kicked cancer's ass and are kicking HIV's ass.  How are you doing with this break-up?  I realize it has only been a few days.  8 years is a long time.  And, it comes right on an anniversary.  Take care of yourself. 

Anal cancer screening is something I mention at just about every doc visit.  So far, here in Louisville, no one seems to be screening for it. 

[Miss Philicia]

Anal cancer screening is something I mention at just about every doc visit.  So far, here in Louisville, no one seems to be screening for it. 

There's a colorecatal division at the Univ. of Louisville -- do they honestly not do a regular anoscopy there?

[tednlou2]

There's a colorecatal division at the Univ. of Louisville -- do they honestly not do a regular anoscopy there?

I did have that procedure at UofL where you lay on the tilting table and it raises your ass up in the air.  Doc looked inside.  Is that good enough?  I mean, I know that would show anything that was already developed.  But, this isn't the same as getting the screening of anal cells, right?  That is what I keep hearing needs to be done to find something before it develops into something serious, but no one here does anal paps. 

[Miss Philicia]

I did have that procedure at UofL where you lay on the tilting table and it raises your ass up in the air.  Doc looked inside.  Is that good enough?  I mean, I know that would show anything that was already developed.  But, this isn't the same as getting the screening of anal cells, right?  That is what I keep hearing needs to be done to find something before it develops into something serious, but no one here does anal paps. 

If you had, and are having regular, anoscopies done then you don't need an anal pap smear. Then again, it seems you have no clue what they did to your body so it's kind of hard to help you now isn't it? Don't you ask you doctors questions when they have their fist up your ass?

[Theyer]

Welcome.
Love the idea off the opera glasses white gloves, take care
michael

[Buckmark]

Welcome, Spc!  Congratulations to you for your courageous fight against cancer *and* HIV *and* depression.  I'm sorry to hear about your partner dumping you.   It was a complete surprise to you?  Ouch.

Hugs,

Henry

[drewm]

Welcome the the forums 

[jkinatl2]

Hey Spc

I am so sorry that you are in the position to need this place - but at the same time, glad as hell you found it.

Yes, we're mostly on top of all the science here, and will gently beyond harshly correct misinformation when it's posted. Many of us have also grappled with cancer and depression, often with much success.

The breakup thing sucks. Isn't it funny that when faced with serious medical issues and a chronic immune disorder, the real heartbreak is when someone says you shouldn't be together anymore? I kinda had the same experience shortly after seroconversion. Maybe it was transference on my part - easier to wrap my heart around one overwhelming situation than, well another overwhelming one.

Like someone stated earlier, yours has to have been one of the best written introductory posts I've read on these forums in a while. You seem to have a great deal of self-possession, which will serve you pretty well.

I've had several butt-cancer scares, though so far nothing malignant. I do however have a stable supply of Epson Salts and an inflatable donut, which for months on end were by BFFs.

One of the important things is to remember to take care of yourself. You know, eat, drink fluids, keep self-desctruction to an absolute minimum. Basically none of the things that instinct wants you to do.

You've been remarkably brave. And it sucks that you will need to be even braver. But this forum can help. Maybe not so much with the bravery (though our cheerleading section is fairly impressive) but maybe just knowing that you never have to feel alone, not truly alone. There's usually someone loitering around here almost any hour of the day.

You didn't mention meds. Are you on any? As you are likely aware, some of them interact with the brain, especially in the brains of those with a history of depression, in a scary way. I was one of those folks, and it was al sorts of ugly. I hope you and your doctors are all on the same page regarding all that.

I have so many more thoughts racing around my head, but am rushing out the door (no I'm not! I am sitting at a keyboard) for a doctor thing to get my own innards looked at. But I am glad you are here. And I hope that that glimmer you mentioned continues to grow.

We need more glimmers. We really really really do.

[Pilot]

I have a t shirt that says if you love someone set them free...if they don't come back...hunt them down and shoot them...
Now that i think about it, it could explain why I am still single.

[LM]

You're quite the warrior, spc14. I'm sorry for the breakup, but I'm sure things will turn around for you, you deserve great things. All the best, dude!