Just made a year positive

[Always worried]

I just made a year. I am undetectable but my white count is low. I take meds twice a day. I didn't know I was positive till I went to the dr for other problems and tested positive. I was told that I have been positive for awhile. I have a wife and a one year old son. They are both negative . That is a miracle, but one I am grateful for. I feel sad a lot of the time, like I'm not ok to be around. My wife helps me with eating right and getting exercise. She is getting frustrated with me though. She doesn't understand though what it is like living with this. She expects me to be up and going and reading and trying to find out new things about my disease. There are times I just want to forget and act like I don't have it. There are days when I'm nauseated, tired, sick from the meds or just mentally beat, and I don't want to do anything or think about it. I get depressed. I am trying though. Today she tells me I won't leave you but I'm tired of you not trying and this will be a loveless marriage . This doesn't motivate me, it only drops me deeper into my sadness . I know it's been a year, but I'm still trying to adjust. I am still trying to deal with my illness . I'm taking baby steps but I guess it's not enough. I guess all I can do is keep trying.

[Jmarksto]

Hey Always; 

Welcome to the forums and congratulations on getting undetectable - you have found a good place for support.  I also have a wife and child, and have to say that the first year for me had some of the same themes that you describe in your post.

There is quite a bit packed into your post - regarding your medical and mental health as well as your relationship and your wife's response to all of those.  Here are a few thoughts, in no particular order:

The one thing that pops to the top of my mind is whether you are getting any support other than from your wife - are you seeing a counselor, going to support groups, etc.?  We all process this disease differently - and I don't believe there is a right or a wrong way.  I found it VERY helpful to get counseling with someone that really understands HIV, and in fact had been living with HIV himself for 14 years.  Are you in an area and situation where you can reach out to someone (your local ASO) for that kind of support?

Being nauseated, tired, and sick from the meds is something to discuss with your doctor.  You don't mention which meds you are on (and I am not the person to give advice there, but there are others here that can) but that information may help to start to sort that out here for a conversation with your doc.

We all process this disease differently - whether we are the ones with it, or our loved ones who are supporting us.  Your wife's reaction is the way she would prefer to process - it may benefit her to participate in the "Someone I Care About..." forum.  She could get the perspective of others that are supporting someone with HIV as well as others with HIV.

Depression and HIV commonly linked -- it could be one's mental condition, it could be the meds, it could be the virus itself.....hopefully counseling and/or medication adjustments can help.

Things have gotten better for me over time, and I am sure they will get better for you and your wife too.  I liked your last sentence -- keep on trying.

Wish you the best,
JM

[Always worried]

Sorry for putting so much out there, it's just I have no one to talk to and this is my first time really talking about it. My dr has me on Kaletra and Isentress along with bacterium . My wife has tried to find me a counseler, but I don't think I was really ready to talk about it till now. My wife says a year is plenty of time and I need to come to grips with it. I feel like I'm just starting to go threw the different emotions. Like I have been putting it off this whole time. I guess no one really knows what I'm feeling, sometimes I don't know what I'm feeling. I can run threw all of them in minutes, mad, sad, sorry, denile, all in a minute.

[Always worried]

Thank you for talking to me. It helps more than you think.

[Jmarksto]

Always; 

No need to apologize....you should feel free to express yourself here.  While we all have very different paths with HIV, I think you will find some level of shared experience that can help bring some understanding and perspective. 

In terms of when it is time to come to grips -- we are all different.  There have been folks on here who have been in denial for many years (not that I am advocating that) before coming to grips with being HIV+.  In terms of your wife's reactions - it sounds like she is trying to be supportive in the way that she knows how to do.

It sounds like you are ready to talk to someone about your diagnosis and perhaps its time to find that counselor.  I would also ask (rhetorically) if you could identify why you have the emotions that you do - why are you mad? why are you sad? why are you sorry?  There is likely something about being HIV+ behind each of these emotions.  To the extent that you can identify the story/thought/preconceived notion behind the emotion it will help process the emotion.  Again - I think you will find someone understanding and common experience here.

Also, you may want to review the threads in the "Questions About Treatment" forum to learn more about your meds (if you haven't already).

best, JM

[klassykitty]

Always,

 When my ex was diagnosed we had been together for almost two years.  He was in the hospital when he was diagnosed with AIDS.  They also were running other tests and he was in for almost three weeks.  By the time he got out I had located the local ASO, had gone and talked to them, I knew what forms to fill out and where his AIDS doctor was at.  Well I knew the address not exactly where it was.  I would have made the appointment for him if they had let me.  For 3 years after that I went with him to his doctor and after his appointment the doc would talk to me as long as it was stuff that she could legally discuss; Side effects, diet, that kind of stuff.  I knew what meds he took, when he took which ones and when to order them. 

At the same time I was kind of like your wife, i could not understand why he didn't want to know everything he needed or should know.  I complained when he took to long to get out of bed or stayed in all day, ate the wrong stuff, drank and smoked to much (My mom says it is the mother instinct in us). 

One of the things we had available to us was counseling for both of us at his ASO.  Since I was negative at the time I was only allowed 2 sessions, 1 told me about a bunch of medical stuff.  The other was the emotional stuff that he could possibly go through.  Those two sessions were the best things that I did.  (I didn't know about this site at the time).

Jmarkso's advice on the depression, counseling or support groups is good. 
When I was diagnosed 3 years ago, the first thing I did was schedule counseling, the next thing I did was look online for people who had been through it and that's how I found this site. 

I am single now but that counseling that I had 8 years ago was a big help for when I was diagnosed.  Maybe your wife would be willing to attend counseling, or a support group on her own.   I belong to a support group that is for women only but it is for women that are positive and those who are negative and in a serodiscordant relationship.

As far as your nausea, tiredness they could be side effects of the meds.  I have found there are things I avoid eating/drinking right before or after taking them.  I take most of my meds at night when I am going to bed since they make me tired and upset my stomach a bit.  I figure it's better to go to bed with an upset stomach than spend the day at work and school like that.  When you go to your doctors talk to him/her about it they may have suggestions for you.

The guys/girls on here have a wealth of information and most of them I trust as much as I do my doctor.

Keep taking them baby steps, eventually before you know it those baby steps turn into big steps.

Michelle 

[Ann]

Hi AW, welcome to the forums.

 My dr has me on Kaletra and Isentress along with bacterium .

Bactrim is well-known for causing gastrointestinal upset, notably nausea. What is your CD4 count? When it gets (and stays) over 200, you should be able to discontinue the Bactrim. In the meantime, let your doctor know about your nausea and how it's impacting on your quality of life. Quality of life is important, so don't feel like you shouldn't bring it up and complain.

My wife says a year is plenty of time and I need to come to grips with it.
 

It's not your wife's place to give you a time-line regarding when you "come to grips with it" - everyone is different. In many ways coming to terms with living with hiv is the same as the grieving process after a loved-one dies. The stages are the same, involving denial, anger, regrets and finally coming to terms and being at peace with it. Many of us need help along the way, and having someone nag you about it just isn't helpful. She probably means well, but she's not helping.

Having said that, now that you're feeling ready to enter into therapy, please do. You'll thank yourself for it.

[emeraldize]

Hi Always

Just wanted to respond to your white blood cell count comment.

Do you know what it normally was?

Mine was always low, long before contracting HIV.

And an immediate family member is the same way.

Maybe you could check into some old records?

Plus labs differ in their ranges so you have a few variables to sort out.

I hope it's nothing to be concerned about.

Em

[aaware72]

Hi

First we almost share the same anniversary I was one year on the 18th.

My partner is also 1 year and he was experiencing some stomach issue and low white blood counts.  He ended have a scope put down into his stomach and they took some biospy and ran some test and it was determined he had GERD.  He was put on prescription strength anti acid and his stomach issues had disappeared and his white cell counts have returned to normal.

Wish you the best