Tested Positive 2 Days Ago

[philemon23]

So I went in for a routine STI panel and got the results no one wants to hear. The lab tests confirmed the positive result I got on the rapid test so its official. I'll likely have my CD4 and VL results by Monday.

I'm on medication already, and based on everything I've read I'm not terribly worried about my physical health. I haven't been getting sick and since I test regularly I'm confident it was found very early. For that I am grateful.

But I'm also absolutely devastated. I felt like I was destroyed when the NP told me the results. I still feel that way. I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know how to stitch myself back together. This happened during a period of my life, maybe the first ever, where I felt I was in control and everything was finally going to work out. Now that feeling is gone. I guess it was only ever an illusion anyway.

I have so many feelings I can't articulate them all. I guess my question is does life ever start to feel normal again? Or do you just carry the weight around forever?

[Jim Allen]

Hiya

Sorry to hear about the results, but what test was used to confirm the rapid test results?

I'm on a day trip so will post a longer reply later, however, wanted to say hi.

Best, Jim

[philemon23]

I don't know the specific test but I will ask when they call me back with the rest.

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

Just got back from my day trip, monthly cross-border shopping.

Glad to hear you have access to treatment and have started. What medication did they start you on?

But I'm also absolutely devastated. I felt like I was destroyed when the NP told me the results. I still feel that way. I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know how to stitch myself back together. This happened during a period of my life, maybe the first ever, where I felt I was in control and everything was finally going to work out. Now that feeling is gone. I guess it was only ever an illusion anyway.

I have so many feelings I can't articulate them all.

Sorry to hear you had a rough time I presume and felt finally in control when this happened.

Look, it's only been a few days, and at first, hearing about a possible HIV diagnosis can be overwhelming, I think some people go through a type of grieving process. I would say it's pretty common for people to feel overwhelmed for a while until they get their heads around it and digest it.

Give yourself time. Also, what does your support network look like? Family, friends, peer support or counselling/therapy?

I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know how to stitch myself back together.

Well, HIV didn't change who you are. Essentially you are the same person you were yesterday, we all change every day as to how to get back on track, well, one day at a time, seeking additional support if you need it and learning to accept you have a manageable health condition and that it probably will not be your last in life. 

I guess my question is does life ever start to feel normal again? Or do you just carry the weight around forever?

I can tell you that my life feels relatively normal for me, I have a bit of AIDS, and it's not the end of the world, I pop a pill a day, and I get on with my life, so I just don't think about it.

Overall I have other issues in life not related to HIV that cause me far more thought, problems or issues than HIV ever has.

I don't know the specific test but I will ask when they call me back with the rest.

No prob. For now, ill ask you to only post in this thread until you have some results. Ask any questions, thoughts or concerns you might have and people can reply to you here.

Take it easy, best Jim.

[Tonny2]

          ojo.             Hello there!


Welcome to the forum. We all here, understand how you are feeling right now and it’s ok, it takes time to learn how to live with hiv. It’s good that you are on treatment now, usually when we get to undetectable, we start to feel more relax and see things different…you will be able to continue making plans tor the future, teyst me, you will be around for a long time all you have to do is being disciplined in taking your med/s as prescribed and have a positive Ttitude…now that you are positive you got to be more positive with your life….hugs and here we are four you!!



Ps. What med are you taking?

[leatherman]

now that you are positive you got to be more positive with your life

there's no better advice than that!!


TBH you'll feel like crap off and on for a while. You're gotten a rather serious diagnosis of a medical issue and there's just no making that better. Luckily, it's not the 90s anymore, so while I can't offer you advice to make you feel better about your situation right now, hold onto the fact that things will get better. Take your meds, count your blessing you caught this early, and try to live every day to it's fullest. Having a positive attitude will certainly help you reach those goals.

[philemon23]

Thanks for the kind words guys. I'm on Biktarvy, I've not noticed any side effects other than maybe being more tired than usual. Then again I haven't been sleeping great.

[Jim Allen]

Biktarvy, good solid first line treatment.

[philemon23]

Update:

So I told the last person I slept with to get tested... which I thought was the right thing. He was a friend so I made a point of telling him in person. It did not go well and now I'm devastated all over again. He made it sound like I had done something malicious. But I had no idea at the time. I had zero reason to suspect I had it until I got tested. He made it pretty clear he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I've known him for years, I would never do anything to intentionally hurt a friend (or anyone for that matter). Did I fuck up? Should I have told him anonymously? That didn't feel right given our history but now I'm full of doubt.

Ps apologize for swearing if thats against the rules, I didn't see anything about it.

[Jim Allen]

Sorry to hear your friend reacted badly to the news. It can be a shock so prehaps give them time to get their head around it.

Sharing your HIV status with someone, you can never control how they are going to react, you can, of course, work on the delivery.  Anyhow, once someone knows, they can also pass that information on, so I recommend caution and thinking about what you hope to get from sharing your HIV status before you do.

In your situation, you were right to make sure your past sexual partners are informed so they can test and get treatment as needed, but prehaps a service or getting the clinic would have been better at delivering the news, particularly as you are still digesting the news yourself and vulnerable at the moment.

Anyhow, don't dwell on this, its done now and it was the right thing to do.

[philemon23]

I've told a few close friends and one family member. It's helping me come to terms with the reality of the situation and feel supported. I agree I need to be selective about who I tell, thats probably everyone I will for the time being. I'm going to a support group in a few weeks so that may be enough.

In hindsight it probably would have been better to request that my doctor call them anonymously. I felt obligated to be the one to tell him because of our history, but that may have been misguided. I guess there's no good way to deliver that bad news though.

[Jim Allen]

Glad to hear that your family are supportive and you have looked into peer support. Keep us posted on the VL & CD4 results on Monday.

There is also a POZ.com forum members meeting online on the 18th of Feb that might be useful to join if you wish; it includes people who have been living with HIV for a few weeks and others who acquired HIV in the early 80s.

I would disagree and say there are good ways to share your HIV status, bad ways and terrible ways, but that's not relevant at the moment and a discussion or something to learn another day.

[philemon23]

I got my VL and CD4 results and they are... encouraging I think?

CD4 was 691, VL was 12,000. So no suppressed immune system and (according to the nurse) a very low viral load for someone not receiving treatment.

I also feel like I've come to terms with it a bit better. I spoke to a friend yesterday who has been poz since the early 90's, hearing their story helped put things into perspective. There were so many people who never had the chance to live a long healthy life like I likely will. I think the best thing to do to honor their memory is to live the best life I can and try to help others where I am able. At least that's where I am at present. Likely I'll be bawling again this evening but hey its a process.

[Jim Allen]

(according to the nurse) a very low viral load for someone not receiving treatment.

 

I got my VL and CD4 results and they are... encouraging I think?

CD4 was 691, VL was 12,000. So no suppressed immune system and (according to the nurse) a very low viral load for someone not receiving treatment.

I also feel like I've come to terms with it a bit better. I spoke to a friend yesterday who has been poz since the early 90's, hearing their story helped put things into perspective. There were so many people who never had the chance to live a long healthy life like I likely will. I think the best thing to do to honor their memory is to live the best life I can and try to help others where I am able. At least that's where I am at present. Likely I'll be bawling again this evening but hey its a process.

Glad to hear you got the results back and have been able to talk to someone to gain some perspective. Now you started treatment the viral load will soon be suppressed and then HIV can't do unchallenged measured and unmeasured damage to you. 

Likely I'll be bawling again this evening but hey its a process.

Yup, ups and downs are pretty standard at first and you are not alone and were here if you need us.

[Grasshopper]

CD4 was 691, VL was 12,000. So no suppressed immune system and (according to the nurse) a very low viral load for someone not receiving treatment.

Hi, I'm a bit confused reading your posts.

Here you say that you are not receiving treatment, while in your first post on jan 28th you wrote :
"I'm on medication already, and based on everything I've read I'm not terribly worried about my physical health. I haven't been getting sick and since I test regularly I'm confident it was found very early. For that I am grateful."

Goodluck, hope you regain your old self soon.

[philemon23]

Those blood samples were taken before I had taken my first dose . So at the time I was untreated, they fortunately were able to give me a 7 day sample so I began treatment immediately.