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Randal Rapp (1963 - 1994)

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May 25. 5:55am. My eyes flew open, and I realized it's been 28 years since you had to leave me. Well, actually, I realized it was going to be many years late the night before when, 10 minutes to midnight, google calendar decided to give me a notification. (Thanks for reminding me google. That's almost as bad as Facebook showing me pictures of my dead dogs.)

Of course, your mom called me this morning. She told me, as she always does, that even though I moved back home to SC she'll always be my mother-in-law. She's always been good to me and I miss visiting her. Although I so wish I could miss her and I touching base every May 25 and July 9 (your bday) because I hate that our bond contains so much of our grief for you. I did chat with her about the visit with I had with my newest mother-in-law when Larry and I took a vacation to AZ. After the call, I sat and thought a little bit about our OhioMom (the closest I got to a mother-in-law for Jim). So much of my life in Ohio seems a million miles away without you and Jim.

Speaking of Larry though, can I mention that there's this tiny piece of me that worries? (I know you're not surprised about that though. All three of my guys have always known I'm a worrier. But you know since you did live some of the deaths, fires, car wrecks, burglaries I've dealt with that I have valid reasons to be concerned about potential future disasters) While Larry is still healthy at 55, we are coming up on 10 yrs together (we got together aug 2012 when I returned after AMG 2012) and you know firsthand that my guys tend to die at the decade mark. 95% of me really isn't worried, but there's 5% of me that knows that life can suddenly flip and be nothing like you thought it was going to be, and that part is worried.

I still miss "us". I still miss you. But if all I was going to get was 10 yrs with you, I'd do it all over again because it was so worth it. :-*


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