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Mental health and OI's

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It has been years since I have diagnosed bi polar. Last year before I became ill and was diagnosed with AIDS, I became extremely disoriented in life. I know I was fighting the symptoms of bipolar. I became quite manic at times as well as depressed. I began to cry for no reason, I cried all the time. I smoked to excess and drank to sooth myself. Disorientation became a way of life. I did not know if I was coming or going. I sought out therapy, I ended up with a cognitive therapist that I played mind games with. It was more the fact that I would pose philosophical questions to him that at times he had a problem grasping. I would read Jung, Pagels, Campbell and others and then go and try and have some sort of conversation with him. He did not get it and I continued to spiral down.
I know that my manic episodes contributed to my HIV diagnosis. I have always functioned and prided myself on that. But moments would arise and I would change. Literally, physically. I would dress myself up and hit the town. The last big hit I ended up in the inner city of Detroit dancing on the main drag at 5:00 AM looking for attention.
Then bang!!! I was sick, in the hospital, and looking toward eternity like I have never seen before.
Well I am feeling that way again. I take my meds religiously. That is my HIV meds and my psychotropic drugs. But I can not stop what is happening. I am crying again. So much so I go to work and can not hide the fact that I cried all night. I drink all night and smoke excessively, I used to smoke a pack a month now a couple a week. I feel like I am loosing control over my emotions. Of course in the last three months I have attended two funerals. I continue to deal with neuropathy. But my numbers have improved.
Now I am going back to the Doctor. I do not quite know how to breech this subject. I am hoping my numbers have not taken a retreat, and my manic depressive episodes are not a precursor to getting sick again.
Has anyone else experienced this type of spiral, am I imagining all of this, is it just me dealing with my diagnosis. I thought I was doing FINE, yeah Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Empty.
Advice, thoughts, opinions?


--- Quote from: Peter6836 on June 18, 2007, 06:54:36 pm --- I am crying again. So much so I go to work and can not hide the fact that I cried all night....

Advice, thoughts, opinions?

--- End quote ---

Hello Peter

I quoted the two items to which I believe I can safely respond.

First, I can share my thoughts, or better stated, my experience. However, advice, is best left to professionals. If you've not been to see a mental health pro recently, it's time to see one for whom you've got some regard.

Here's why I think so...Crying frequently is one of the clearest signs of depression. It is such a wonderfully simple physical clue and a cue to get help.

I saw your post and I know that sometimes such posts are made at the height of emotional pain. I wanted you to know as quickly as possible that although I am not bipolar, I have certainly experienced depression. The sooner you can begin to address your current state, the sooner you will feel some relief.

Depression's impact on the body and crippling impact on the mind are worth paying attention to as quickly as you possibly can. I'm confident others will post soon and add their experience, and perhaps someone among them will  offer some professional-level advice or send a PM to you.

Wishing you improved health.


Andy Velez:
Peter, there's every good reason for you to not attempt to struggle on handling what's going on by yourself.

It's always a good idea when you're having physical problems to check them out with your doctor. As for the emotional aspects of what's going on, you don't have to take on the burden of diagnosing or resolving them by yourself.

For instance, are there any service organizations in your area that have either individual or group counseling or both? Isolation is corossive when we're struggling to cope. Keeping yourself open to the support and company of other people can be very helpful. The more you can express yourself in truthful ways with other, the less isolated you are likely to feel. Be daring and let people really know who you are and trust that's going to be enough.

If you end up seeing a therapist again, work on keeping what you say as simple and as direct as possible. It's not about winning a game. It's about becoming clearer about what you need and want and working to get it.

Keep talking here about how things are going. I know that what you're talking about is in varying degrees experienced by many others.


Thanks for your responses.
I just feel like I am not quite able to express what is going on here. I am afraid that I am on the verge of getting sick again. ALONE, yeah I feel alone. I go to a group here for HIV people. I talk, it just seems that I do not get the responses that I need. Sometimes I feel like I am just saying things and no one is listening. Then I think how foolish, I am just not saying it so they can understand? I just do not understand I see someone on here start a thread on pee and hundreds of people respond. Is it that I am mundane, uninteresting, unworthy of a response. Just foolish in my thoughts.
I am trying to fight the good fight here. Sometimes I just do not see much of a reson to fight. I know that I am not as productive as I once was. I have lost my car due to finances, yeah I bought another. I lost my house due to finances, and illness, yeah I found somewhere to live.
I have a care giver I take care of. I have kids that seem to be waiting for me to kick so they can collect something, (things, money I do not know what). I know they are dissapointed in me because of all this. I feel failure, I feel dirty, I feel unlovable. I just want someone to here me!!!!! I am afraid!!!!!

hi Peter,

I hear you saying that right now, things feel really overwhelming & frightening - despite all your best efforts, you're experiencing a re-emergence of those old warning symptoms, and the fear about where that may lead.

Might sound a bit contradictory, but I think it's very positive that you've been able to identify these changes in your mood - it means you're in a position to make choices about how you want to manage things, & regain that control & balance. People who are able to identify symptoms of either "highs" or "lows" at an early stage, & take appropriate action, are usually much more able to quickly get back to feeling well & prevent a full "episode". 

I'm glad to hear that you are going to make contact with your doctor, and let them know how things stand. It may be that you need to discuss making some alteration to your medications, and the option of other support that may be available to help make things easier at the moment. If you have close friends/family etc, maybe talk with them about how they could best support you over the next few weeks, in both an emotional & practical sense too. Try not to feel too discouraged by how things are right now, eh?  - it doesn't mean that you've lost control, or the ability to feel well again - rather that the mind/body chemistry is a very dynamic thing, & over time, treatment strategies often need to be adjusted in order to best respond to this.

I know that you've spoken previously about your use of movement/creative dance to help with some of these feelings - I really hope that you're able to use this now, both to get some release from the sadness, & to reconnect with your self.

keep posting... we are listening - Kate


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