I feel so lonley

[worried100]

I am in a long distance relationship with the person who gave me HIV. When i found out we got married but i have tried to help him everyway possible to cope by himself financially but he cant keep anything going long enough. I go out and see him twice a year and when i do we get on really well. He is my best friend. I just dont think the relationship is going to work. I know if i end it i will lose my best friend too

I think i am partly scared as i dont want to be alone, i had trouble finding partners before i was positive but now i have 2 things against me.

I am carrying this heavy burden around with me. Only mum knows i have HIV  and i have to keep up this happy go lucky attitude with everyone thinking everything is fine in my life and what do i have to be down about.

Also husbands CD4 count is rising which is good but if i leave him who would take care of him food wise. (The meds in the carribean are free). There are not alot of jobs ot there, all of my family are unemployed. I know if i left him he would go back to hustling and therefore get into trouble etc.

I dont know why i feel a need to take care of him as he gave it to me after i asked him to have a test, i dont belive he gave it to me intentionally. The advisor asked him to come in and get his results and he wouldnt go, the advisor told him everything would be alright and he took this to mean he was negative. He wasnt. I do take responsibility for my part in being too trusting which i very unusual for me in the first place.

I live in a little town in the uk about an hours train drive to london. I work late and the meets that they have in London are in the weekdays so i cant get to them.

I hate my job and i am really down on life. I do appreciate being alive though and being physically ok so i know i have alot to be grateful for but i just dont know what to do for the best

Love
Worried xxxx

[27years]

sometimes you have to do whats best for you and your life not what is best for everyone else.  Until when you take the challenges of life and have trials and errors that is the way you can learn and move forward.  Your boyfriend is an adult and he can deal with his life as he please. if he gets into trouble that's his own lookout, Do not hold on to a relation that is not working because you think you owe it to him you can loose him as a boyfriend but you can remain friends, although i am not advocating for you to break up, from the sound of your thread i think you need a bit of space in order to find yourself. Relationships are difficult with or without hiv but life still goes on. i think you are dealing with a lot of things at the same time, first address the issues that you have control over like your job and where you live, maybe consider relocating to other parts of UK where you have potential of meeting other people in the same situation. there is more to life than being in unhappy relationship and job.  life is too short make the most of it and enjoy

[Jessy]

Hi
Sorry you are in this situation,I cant really advise on the relationship but my take on it is "if you are having more downs than ups in this relationship then take a step back" also stop finding excuses for this man....he needs to man up.We can be friends if you like,I think you could use some one to talk to in the same situation.Isolation is not good for you.I live in Brighton South East England.We can chat on phone skype or by any means you  can.I hope to read from you .

[thepostergirl]

I agree with the other comments. I'm no professional therapist but it sounds like to me that you are staying out of guilt and the "what if's". Are you really ready to sacrifice yourself and your own happiness to make sure this man, an adult, does the right thing? People don't change unless they want to change. I would hate that taking care of him would make you more sick. I've learned an extremely hard lesson these past few years and that is sometimes the people in our lives aren't permanent fixtures. Sometimes we're only meant to be in someones life for a brief moment. Don't at all feel guilty about having to take care of yourself first and don't fall for guilt trips. I hope this didn't sound too harsh but I believe that at this moment it needs to be about YOURSELF. You'll make it through this - we're all stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Believe in yourself. With love, me

[jm1953]

I agree with other members have posted.  Your story sounds much like mine.  I have been in a long distance relationship for seven years with another HIV individual who is not financially sound.  We both had HIV when we met via the internet, unlike your situation, but became very close.  We flew back and forth to see each other the first few years on my dime.  Then my father died and lot's was happening with my health too.  He too has had many health and financial problems.  As such, I have been helping support him for years.  But a relationship has to be somewhat balanced, and you do have to look after yourself number 1 as other members have said.  After a request for me to provide travel monies for him after I had already sent him a check he broke it off with me.  Granted it was long distance, granted we hadn't seen each other in five years but talked on the phone every day.  But now I realize it was probably the best thing for me anyway.  I miss his friendship and conversations, but ultimately if he felt the realtionship was just going to be about me supporting him, I think it was the best for both of us.  I look at it as a door closing, and perhaps a new one opening in the future.  I'm trying not to feel guilty as I feel I gave and gave and gave.  Please do what you feel right for yourself and your own health and well being.  You owe yourself that.  Just some food for thought.  That is what this forum is all about. 

Best to you,

JM

[Jeff G]

Jm , I think you didn't realize you were posting in the Women's forum ... if us guys post here it wouldn't be the women's forum . I think you get the point .