POZ Community Forums
Off Topic Forums => Off Topic Forum => Topic started by: ManISOMan on February 24, 2007, 09:32:16 pm
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......................is coping with an alcoholic. There is no shame in being an alcoholic, but I just don't know how to deal with one that thinks they don't have a problem. Yes, when I was younger I had my moments of having way too much to drink, and there were times when I too would've had a DUI had I been stopped and asked to perfom the various tests.
I have a theory that we all have the propensity to be alcoholics. They say it's hereditary, and who doesn't have a relative that was an alcoholic. I never met my maternal grandfather and from what I hear, I'd have to believe that he was an alcoholic. He hung himself in the basement of his home. When I asked an aunt about him, she just told me that he couldn't hold a job, and would end up in a bar on Saturdays and told his wife other men bought him drinks. My Aunt did say that she didn't think my grandfather was an alcoholic. My mother didn't really drink, but she did smoke. My father would drink on special occasions and I never saw him drunk. Although after my mom died and my dad remarried, they would keep a keg of beer in the basement and my stepmom would always have Paul Rose wine in the evening, and she wasn't sloppy.
And what did people drink in ancient/medieval days?
So the heredity factor and the history is there for all of us, isn't it?
Okay, so what I didn't mention under the topic of feeling stuck, is this...............my ex(roommate)is an alcoholic. He does not get fall down drunk all the time, it just happens every now and then.
He is the kind that laughs at everything and thinks everything is funny.......................until he gets mean and ugly, which of course seems to happen when he gets home.
He is retired now. He's usually up early and then out the door sometime in the afternoon. I know for a fact that the people he associates with also like to drink alcohol. And, I really do think that whatever people want to do is their business and that's that. But, I do have a problem with people that are fall down drunk and get in their cars and drive and the people that are drinking iwth them and let them drive in this conditon. Being on a limited income, I sit home most of the time. I also have a bird that I enjoy spending time with.
Well, if he returns home by 6pm, then I know he's had a few, but I don't worry. It's when he's not home and the clock is ticking, that it seems all I can think about is just how messed up is he going to be when he gets home. We've had major fights about this before, and he'll say in the morning he's not going to do it again. We all know the drill.
What really scares me is how he just becomes a completely different person when he is terribly drunk..............very mean. I'm just afraid, not knowing what could happen. Also, when I have to go away and that is not a pleasure trip, but my occasional trips to NIH, I worry if he'll get drunk and hurt my bird. I know that he wouldn't mean to.................but that really wouldn't matter if my bird were to be hurt.
I'm writing under a new topic, as I was really hoping to hear some stories about how people have gotten back on their own two feet and didn't have to rely on someone else. And I do apprecaite the welcome I received and the replies. Yes, I've made silly comments here and have had fun, but I'm not feeling like fun right now.
My roommate came, home, barely spoke, made something to eat and is now in bed, lights out. No fight, I kept my mouth shut about how I felt about him being drunk and driving.
He suggested we go out for a pizza last night, and I said if you're paying. I knew he'd had a few drinks before getting home, but I agreed to go and I always drive. Well, he had one beer with dinnner and I wanted a canolli for dessertt so he didn't mind staying and had one more beer. There was man and his wife and children next to us. The man and his son were also drinking beer. They hadn't gotten the pizza they way they wanted it, and the man is just talking about the pizza and that he doesn't mind paying for anything, he just wants it the way he wants it...........and my roommate just laugh and laughs as if it's the funniest thing you've ever heard. Now, I didn't mention that my roommate is 61, soon to be 61. We were together when I was in my mid 20's for five years.
I know that now the problem is mine, as I am living in his home, and don't have any right to tell him how to live his life. I care about him a great deal....................and at the same time, if I had a place to go to.................I would leave and be so happy that I didn't have to deal with the stress of living with the uncertainty of living with someone that is mean when they drink too much.
I've thought of going to Alanon, but I think how can that help, it won't change anything.
I know people deal with many worse things in their lives and struggle with serious health problems such as cancer or deal with the aftermaths of tragedies such as hurricanes and tornadoes and have no home.
I guess even if you live in a place where there are tornadoes, you do never know when the next one is coming......................i guess it may seem rather like living with an alcoholic.
For some reason, I think I'd be less afraid.
I know I have to find my way through this like anything else. I'm not a prude by any means. I don't care to drink at home, it's never been something that I've done. Being a bartender, I would always go out afterewards if there was a place to go to wind down and have some fun. I don't care all that much for the taste of beer...............but I do love to have a Corona if I drink beer when I go out, when I have some extra money. And that isn't often, just when I get so bored of doing nothing and hope I"ll meet someone. I would enjoy sometimes having a glass of wine with a nice italian meal, or a margarita with some Mexican food.....................but the thing is I would enjoy it...................I don't have to have it.................and I feel if I would I'd just be encouraging my ex to drink. He won't bring beer into the house after we fought about it the last time he came home severely messed up.................I honestly don't know how he drove.
I haven't even talked about his smoking..............smokes like a chimney and hacks/coughs at most mornings very badly.....................I'd think a person would want to check and see if they do have cancer. He does only smoke in his bedroom, which is right next to mine, and when he is up he'll go out on the porch and smoke and he doesn't smoke in the room where my bird is kept.
Again, I think if people want to smoke they should smoke..............but I can't stand the smell and it can give me a headache at times. I don't know if it's me or what...................but it seems really difficult to find someone that doesn't want to drink or smoke(cigarettes or pot) or do some kind of drug. And, yes, a joint has touched my lips, cocaine has gone up my nose, and I did ecstasy once. I was a bartender and i did live in South Florida, and yes this is a part of my life, but it wasn't part of my daily life. I'm being honest, not defensive. (insert here, You'd have to know me.) It's ironic as I said I assumed my grandfather was an alcoholic, you may draw the same conclusions from what I've told you. Before I typed that last sentence, I had typed,"You'd have to know me," erased it as I had thought about my assumption about my grandfather. I'll think of it myself, before you point out my faults.
And, I do think to myself, am I being a hypocrite, I have a disease because I decided to have unprotected sex, maybe I won't live as long as my ex that smokes like a chimney and drinks too much.
I do just want to live my life and be as healthy as I can be, and it would be great to share that with someone else that wanted the same thing.
Sometimes, I think I should go live on an island. I'm pretty sure my bird wouldn't mind. Now, how does a person acquire an island.....................and get Mr. Right shipwrecked unto that island?
I'm thinking now, that most people on here won't like me because of this posting, well, those that drink and smoke anyway. People do like their alcohol, it's evident wherever you look, I mean people joked about it when talking about nutrition and washing greens with vodka.............and yes, it's funny......................but sad in a way as well.
I'm sorry if anyone feels offended or hurt by my posting, it is not my intent. Just needed to get this out I suppose.
P.S. What I also know about my maternal grandfather is that he emigrated from Poland where he had been drafted in the Russian army.He met and married my grandmother, also from Poland, in the U.S. They had fourteen kids, my mother the youngest. And one child did die I believe during the period when many were kiled from the flu, I'm guessing at this. I'm sure it must have been hard coming to a new country where you spoke a different language. I don't believe he spoke much English if any, I know he could not sign his name in English. His name was Joseph and he lived to be 79 years old, and I didn't get to meet him. All, I can remember about his wife my grandmother is kissing her hello and goodbye, until she died when I was 8 or 9. She also didn't speak English.
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After thinking about it, what I really should have said is:
What bothers me a great deal more than HIV/AIDS.....................is my inability to cope with alcoholism.
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When I asked an aunt about him, she just told me that he couldn't hold a job, and would end up in a bar on Saturdays and told his wife other men bought him drinks.
Considering the stigma of being gay I wonder if this is so many gays are substance dependence.
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After thinking about it, what I really should have said is:
What bothers me a great deal more than HIV/AIDS.....................is my inability to cope with alcoholism.
Dear headless man,
Do you really think you have to be everything to everyone at any given time? You have enough on your plate. (your own set of challenges & circumstances)
The man (ex that now has you for a roommate) is old enough to make his own decisions in life. It's not pretty. I understand. Until he ask for your help, bud out. Otherwise it'll just cause further resentments. Could he still be in love with you? That would make it difficult for him to be at home.
(am not using a harsh, cold tone here; just being straightforward, you understand?)
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After thinking about it, what I really should have said is:
What bothers me a great deal more than HIV/AIDS.....................is my inability to cope with alcoholism.
One word. Al-anon. It's the companion program to AA. It's a support group designed for family and friends of the alcholic. Many of the things you said are just exactly what you will other people in that group say. They will understand you and what you are dealing with right from the begiinning.
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I'm a smoker and a drinker, and I'm not even slightly offended by anything you have said. I was married to a mean drunk for 5 years. I was beaten unmercifully almost every day of that marriage, so I understand where you are coming from.
Alanon is a good place to start. Then you need to think long, and hard about what you need to do for your own good. You know you cannot change this man. Challenging him about his drinking will get you no where.
If you need to get out, then craft your plan carefully, and follow through. It makes no sense to stay, and continue to tippy toe around on eggshells for the rest of your life. I know you think you have little, or no options, but you are too close to the situation to be objective.
Find a way to get free, and save yourself. You can't save him.
He has to be the one to do that for himself.
My thoughts, and prayers go out to you.
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Here is a tip or two from a recovering alcoholic (sober since 10/29/89).
You can NOT change him, don't try. He needs to want help.
Al-Anon is a great place to get some answers to your questions/concerns and to hear from others who have dealt with what you are dealing with now.
If this living situation is causing you stress -- then figure out how you can get yourself out. Again, Al-Anon may be able to help with any guilt that might be stopping you from taking this step.
Remember alcoholism is not really just about how much you drink or how often you drink -- it's really about how it affects you.
To repeat -- you can NOT change him, but you can change your own situation. It's not always easy, but that is the way it is.
Feel free to PM me if you have any other questions.
Mike
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Chiming in with Mike, as a "reformed" alcoholic I know the only person who can make the change is the alcoholic. I was very lucky since I never had problems with work, never had a DWI or alcohol-related accident, and my liver and kidneys still function.
If your friend stops drinking you can be supportive but only he can stop.
Boo
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Hello, and thanks everyone for the good advice, it's all good..................I do realize I can't make him want to change or stop any habit..................I just can't stop caring.
I do think it just may be a good idea to at least attend an alanon meeting and see how it goes.
We had a terrible argument before I left to go on my one night trip to Bethesda to be at NIH on Monday morning. And this evening, he did tell me that he had a talk with himself on Sunday and wasn't going to drive and drink any longer. Of course, I've heard this before, but at least he does think about it.
I do know I need to work of finding my own space, just not so easy. I didn't go to the beadstore or the movies on my trip and all I bought myself was dinner and some chocolate at Godiva at the airport...............two key lime truffles and a smalll milk chocolate bar...............so just a small fortune was spent on the chocolate.
Thanks, everyone for your suppport, it is greatly appreciated to hear kind words.
Sincerely,
Scott