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Not so sure I can do this anymore...

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Hi Trixie,

Your husband needs your tears.  Sometimes you can be a caregiver and still show emotion.  Your husband tells you that he loves you.  Tell him that you love him too.  Look him straight in the eyes and tell him.  And let him see how you feel.   Remember, your vow is "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health".  It goes two directions, even when he is the one who is sick... right now you are the one who is "worse".  Does that make sense? 

It would be impossible for anyone to post a thorough response to your situation.  You and your husband have been together for a very long time, created many stories together, loved each other.  We do not know the whole story.   But our hearts do understand your pain. 

Do not feel guilty because you are in pain.   The people on TV express a mere shade of what it's really like to experience the loss of a loved one.  They make poor role models.  Life is more nuanced, more gripping, more personal. 

Your husband's illness does not necessarily have a predictable ending.  While we all understand the bracing reality of "til death do us part", this does not mean that he will be gone soon.  If you remember that either one of you could pass on today, through forces beyond your control, then you might start seeing that there is a way to still be sad, and then still appreciate the things like your husband telling you he loves you more often. 

Thank god he does that.  Do not deny your own feelings now for the sake of being strong.  There is a strength unsurpassed in emotion.  You might feel terrified right now that if you touch that place inside of you that the whole world will come crashing down, and you won't be able to be the strong woman you hope to be.  I am telling you that you already are that woman.   Share your feelings with your husband, and at least give him the chance to give you the gift of his love, and let him help you too.

There is no reason to be embarrassed with us.  Much love.  Puck

Hi Trixie,

before anything i think its great that you decided to express yourself, sometimes we need to release somethings..i just recently became a member to this site to be able to express myself  my situation is somewhat like 28 my fiance is 39 and after being together for 4yrs i just found out he has aids it has been ok lately he doesnt really talk much about that subject and i recently started going to a therapist just so i could express my concerns and anger towards life.. but one thing i do know is we should never lose faith as simple as it sounds i know its hard but at the end of the day he has survived so much and with faith he can survive much fiance had his t-cells at 13 when his doctor informed us that he had full blown aids i thought i was going to die..

i couldnt even imagine what is going through his mind..nobody knows our situation thats very hard

i am so sorry that u and your husband are going thru this, it helps any i have down some research on the atripla and my hubby is taking it now so far so good next month is blood work so we will see how good he is  doing

i will pray for u and your family


--- Quote from: Trixie on March 03, 2007, 04:41:37 PM ---I just finished reading the "Being supportive and understanding" thread and now I feel even more guilty!

I am so tired. And I want to cry. Hanging on by a thread right now.

But you do give me hope... and for today that will do.

Thank you!

--- End quote ---

And how are you today? Good we hope

I am doing better today... The emotional tide seems to be turning in the opposite direction and I am feeling much more hopeful. We are having a beautiful, sunny day here. A walk together this morning helped to buoy both our moods and gave us time just to enjoy being together.

Everyone here has been great. I cannot thank you enough for the words of encouragement, your thoughts and your prayers. I feel much better knowing that wherever I am and whatever time it is - I can come here and find your support. With that I am starting to believe that I can get through the months ahead.

Sincerely - Trixie

Trixie, you are an amazing woman.  You are strong and you are doing more for your husband's health, both physically and mentally, than you know.  Trust me, he knows it.  Its also OK for you to have your moments of doubt and frustration and, as was previously mentioned, its OK for your husband to see you are only human and that you love him so much.  I truly believe your presence is doing just as much for him as the meds would be.

Convince him to continue the fight for your sake as well as his.  He is truly blessed.


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