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Author Topic: Not doing well  (Read 5559 times)

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Offline derektoronto

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Not doing well
« on: June 19, 2006, 01:07:01 AM »
Hey Guys,

Old friend Derek here....The new site is good, but it doesn't feel like home anymore!

Well, things have been good on my end, however lately my OCD is creeping up. In the past year and three quarters, i have not been tested, due to the therapists advice (overtesting in past years) and have been pretty good with not checking like crazy due to good meds and lots of schoolwork!. I am coming up to a test soon and am all paranoid. For the trusted vets, my activity in this period of non-testing has been as follows: intercourse with two women, condoms every time with both, no breaks known of (of course i wonder if there was!)

What has been troubling me is a bit of very mild seborrheic dermatitis on my nose folds which waxes and wanes and is not itchy or particularily visible. Other than that no other symptoms. Of course, its implanted in my head neither the presence nor absence of symptoms ..............

I guess i got all scared reading the correlation between seb derm and HIV. Whats up with this guys? Maybe i have always had this (seb) and the worry is just amplified now due to the upcoming test?  Weirdly, i was always good with being rational in other people's cases but not with my own. I had negative chlamydia, syph, and gonh tests a few months back. Lately, i have become agorophobic and it sucks. I haven't been out other than work in months.

Whew.  i guess thats it.

Hope you guys are all doing well

I scrolled around and saw the familiar faces and it felt nice to see you all helping so many out so generously.

Derek (on and off forum devotee).

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: Think i'd get it by now (five years)
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2006, 01:10:23 AM »
Oy vey Derek!

Seb derm is seen in HIV positive people (I have it myself) but it is quite common in people without HIV and who have healthy immune systems. I would advise you to read our divine Welcome Thread but you've been an AIDSMEDer longer than me!

Seriously babe, you need to keep working with your mental health people and manage your OCD. I accept that it's hard, but it can be done.

Nice to hear from you though.

Regards,

MtD (formerly xdenizen)

/edited for a bloody buggery typo sweetie darling/
« Last Edit: June 19, 2006, 05:27:20 AM by matty.the.damned »

Offline Ann

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Re: Think i'd get it by now (five years)
« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2006, 04:56:33 AM »
Hi Derek,

I just want to reinforce what you already know - protected intercourse is not a risk for hiv infection,  and when condoms break, you know about it without doubt.

And as Matty says, seb derm is not hiv specific. I know quite a few people who have it who are not hiv positive - in fact they are all people of a ... um... nervous disposition, so it is very likely that your recent flair up is due to nothing more than your testing jitters. I used to suffer from excema and it was always worse when I was upset about something. I haven't had a flair up in years and I think a lot of that is because I don't let things bother me in the same way as I used to when I was younger.

It sounds like it's time for a therapy top-up and maybe even a review of your meds. You really don't have to live like this - the ocd or the agoraphobia. Have you looked into cognitive behavioural therapy? For many people it's much, much more effective than meds and studies show fewer relapses. Ask your therapist.

Take care Derek, you're going to come through your test with flying colours - negative flying colours.

Ann

PS... Check out the HIV Transmission Lesson - it's brand new since you were last here, published in May. I think you'll like it. ;)
« Last Edit: June 19, 2006, 05:05:02 AM by Ann »
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline derektoronto

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Re: Think i'd get it by now (five years)
« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2006, 01:14:14 PM »
Thanks so much for your replies guys !

I really appreciate it (it sounds cliche'd but it sincerely do)  Ann and Matty- Your posts have inspired me to actually do a run before work today. Ive been eating super healthy and lifting weights a lot but not a lot of outside contact. CBT....i have done 12 sessions, but they are not covered by OHIP (ontario health coverage) and cost 200 dollars per session. I do it when i can afford it, but on a student budget, its not as often as i'd like. I agree, it helps a lot. In fact, when you become dedicated to it there are certain rules (no internet) and tons of exposures (going to hospices, sitting in test centers, forcing yourself to live with the anxiety and let it almost take you over). You know what? If i look at stuff now compared to a few years back, i'd say that I am in a lot better shape.

I gotta admit, the new site is really comprehensive. As much as i liked the old "look", this one has loads of stuff. Ann you are the best (of course i have a soft spot for Andy as he has always been a steady voice of reason on this forum!  ;))

Offline derektoronto

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Re: Think i'd get it by now (five years)
« Reply #4 on: June 20, 2006, 05:11:10 PM »
Are you around Andy?

I guess you probably agree with Ann eh?


Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Think i'd get it by now (five years)
« Reply #5 on: June 20, 2006, 06:08:35 PM »
Derek, did you really expect me to disagree with Ann and tell you that you absolutely should be terrified and worried about your dermatitis???? 

Come on, guy!

I'm glad to read that your level of OC has been reduced.

And no, there is absolutely nothing to be concerned about in what you are reporting. But then honestly, you really knew that already didn't you? But the mind does have a tendency to chew on things like a dog with a bone.

Cheers,
Andy Velez

Offline Ann

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Re: Think i'd get it by now (five years)
« Reply #6 on: June 20, 2006, 06:25:03 PM »

(Andy knows what's good for him. ;) )

LOL

You know you're ok Derek... now what was that you were saying about staying off the internet?

Relax, ok?

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline derektoronto

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Re: Think i'd get it by now (five years)
« Reply #7 on: June 20, 2006, 08:54:34 PM »
Ann haha. I couldn't live without the internet. How else could i concoct brilliant schemes to undermine right-wing politicians and greedy businessmen hell-bent on profiteering. :P

I think its a good idea if i post in the off topic forum so i can still hang out here without getting myself into fits and becoming a forum nuisance.

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: Think i'd get it by now (five years)
« Reply #8 on: June 20, 2006, 08:57:48 PM »
Babe,

I agree. Am I Infected? is a trap of madness for the OCD types. Off Topic is, as always, pumping along. ;D

MtD

Offline Ann

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Re: Think i'd get it by now (five years)
« Reply #9 on: June 20, 2006, 09:03:53 PM »
Quote
How else could i concoct brilliant schemes to undermine right-wing politicians and greedy businessmen hell-bent on profiteering.


Well Derek, if that's what you're doing with your internet connection, then you have my blessing. :D

And speaking of getting off the internet, someone should give me a sound spanking for stay up past my bedtime.

nighty-night!

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline derektoronto

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Re: Think i'd get it by now (five years)
« Reply #10 on: July 19, 2006, 09:05:03 AM »
Hey Guys,

Derek here... I haven't been doing well lately and just came by to talk (one of the only places i have left). I have been very sick with the obsessing and have been forced to take time off work. Luckily school starts back up in the fall so maybe a change of scenery will be better. Thank god for my folks, or else i'd probably be on the streets. They give me a basement to burrow in. Even watching movies is not even much fun anymore..

I chickened out with the HIV test, and i now regret it a bit, as i have been sitting around for weeks on end researching seborrheic dermatitis. I went to the GP and he diagnosed me with a "mild case" of it by examining the sides of my nose and he said that im lucky there is no erythema as it can be tougher to treat, but the condition will come and go as it pleases. He said that lots of people get it and that made me feel better. Maybe i am just zeroed in on HIV as the cause i dunno. All the hotlines, docs, and forum experts here have said i shouldn't worry but man i don't know. I keep going back to the incidents where i slept with the two women and i know with one i didn't have a condom breakage but with the other i might have had an ingrown hair on the shaft that had scabbed which could have provided an opening maybe not covered by the condom at one point?  The other std tests came back neg but i was too scared to do the HIV.

Since i started this episode of worry, i have begun to get really, really depressed. I have an appointment today with my psych and he will likely increase the dose of cipralex. A friend of mine who is HIV positive told me that not all positive people get sebderm, and said that he usually sees it presenting in people more severely and resistant. He told me to expect a good result not a bad one on the test but i guess i always just dread it and am now too afraid. Geez, i have tested so many times in the past but now that i have a symptom that is correlated with HIV i am pretty scared. I haven't noticed any other health problems but i am wondering if this is the beginning.

Dammit this is so frustrating. Im sorry to blab on here guys. I just needed to talk.

Derek.

Offline derektoronto

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Re: Think i'd get it by now (five years)
« Reply #11 on: July 22, 2006, 07:45:22 AM »
I am glad you guys didn't respond to my last post in the thread. I was on low meds, and in a downward spiral. I bucked it up, went to the psychiatrist, and got a med overhaul. Starting to feel better. Not replying to my neurosis was likely the most compassionate thing to do. Here's to brighter days

Derek.
up to 20 mg of cipralex ( equiv. to 40 mg of paxil) the right OCD dose.

Offline Ann

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Re: Think i'd get it by now (five years)
« Reply #12 on: July 22, 2006, 08:09:45 AM »

:)
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline derektoronto

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Not doing well
« Reply #13 on: October 30, 2007, 11:52:05 PM »
Hi guys,

It pains me to have to write here. I was doing really well until today. I woke up and noticed that the seborrheic dermatitis i had on the left side of my nose, is now faintly on the right.

It just so happened I went to the hospital to get an infected hangnail removed, and I mentioned it to the doc. He said its extremely common and all that jazz. Then i told him my risk was two women and that I got nicked by the straight razor two years ago at the barbers. He said i shouldn't lose sleep, but then said "Could you be HIV positive right now? Sure, but the risk is low but not at all zero even with the condoms." This made really afraid.

 Then he said lots of people with and without HIV get this skin thing. I am just suddenly really nervous and am scared about the testing issue. Sorry to write in with this old concern guys, but the people here at this place have helped me so much over the years.? I am all over websites that say some HIVers get in and some don't. It is so confusing. I am just a really down on this and it is coming at the worst time with tons of school stuff.

Hope everyone is OK/Well

Derek.


Offline thunter34

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Re: Not doing well
« Reply #14 on: October 30, 2007, 11:57:06 PM »
Derek, your posts need to go in your original thread.  Thanks.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: Not doing well
« Reply #15 on: October 30, 2007, 11:59:42 PM »
Hey Derek,

If you're having trouble finding your old thread click here, babe.

MtD

Offline anniebc

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Re: Not doing well
« Reply #16 on: October 31, 2007, 01:18:37 AM »
Derek

I have merged your threads so please keep all your question in this one from now on...thanks for your cooperation.

Regardless of your skin problems and hangnail you had protected sex...HIV is not your problem..but I think you need to talk to someone about your OCD..for information on Condoms please read Anns signature line , that will give you all the answers you need to know.

Jan
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Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline Ann

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Re: Not doing well
« Reply #17 on: October 31, 2007, 07:34:08 AM »
Derek,

If you haven't seen your therapist in a while, perhaps it's time for a few top-up sessions. You know we can't help you with your OCD here.

I notice you didn't tell the hangnail doctor about your previous negative results. You already tested hiv negative, remember?

Ann
 
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline derektoronto

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Re: Not doing well
« Reply #18 on: October 31, 2007, 02:17:00 PM »
Dear Ann,

I haven't tested in two years due to this fear. Since the few times i slept with the two women with condoms i have not had a test. The seborrhea is really scaring me. It isn't that bad but it is relatively peristent. 

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: Not doing well
« Reply #19 on: October 31, 2007, 03:33:28 PM »
Derek,

I agree with Ann here. You need to keep up with the OCD therapy, especially the counselling. You know as well as we do that sebborhoea is a common condition in both HIV positive and HIV negative people.

MtD

Offline derektoronto

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Re: Not doing well
« Reply #20 on: October 31, 2007, 03:57:14 PM »
Thanks Matty and Ann for your caring words. Matty, it is weird...I can think rationally and acknowlege that seborrhea affects both people with and without HIV. It is just that my mind is fixated on it. I was suffering from night sweats about 2 years ago, six months after the condom sex with the first woman. I was on a really high dose of paxil at the time and my doc said that in the absence of fever it was because of that. Also, i get the odd canker here and there. Because i get cankers more than a few times a year, and with the seb derm, I have virtually convinced myself that i am positive. I am not certain why I would have the seborrhea otherwise. My sister gets flakes with a red underbase on her nose, but mine is not on the nose and more inflammatory at the side. It doesn't peel that much and is more like zits at first but a doc looked at it and said it was seborrheic..


Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: Not doing well
« Reply #21 on: October 31, 2007, 04:08:52 PM »
If the seb derm is persistent Derek, why don't you ask at a pharmacy for an over the counter cream that can relieve the inflammation? Something with 1% hydrocortisone can be helpful. Whatever you get make sure you use it strictly as directed and make sure you ask the pharmacist or your doctor first.

I know you've struggled with bad OCD for years now and oftentimes medication is simply not enough. Are you still seeing your therapist/psychiatrist? If you're not undergoing it already, then maybe you should enquire about cognitive behavioural therapy. CBT will give you the skills you need to let your logical mind win out over the fears and daemons that plague your brain.

Best wishes babe,

MtD

Offline derektoronto

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Re: Not doing well
« Reply #22 on: October 31, 2007, 04:23:23 PM »
Hey Matty,

It is hard to believe, but I have been on this board since the beginning of 03'. Thanks for the advice. I guess what set off this worry is that the seb was only one one side of my nose until yesterday. So for a year and a half, it only resided on the left side (with a bit in the ear and a couple of tiny spots on the scalp.  I use creams and it goes away, but then it comes back at times. So really, I was doing OK up until yesterday. I am not sure if stress affects it. I have been under stress with grad school and did a major paper on the weekend...

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: Not doing well
« Reply #23 on: October 31, 2007, 04:26:22 PM »
So really, I was doing OK up until yesterday. I am not sure if stress affects it. I have been under stress with grad school and did a major paper on the weekend...

Bingo, kid.

Seb derm comes and goes and hydrocortisone creams only provided temporary relief. Be sure you don't use them for an extended period as they can have nasty side effects. Stress can certainly cause a condition like seb derm to flare up, particularly in a stress bunny like yourself.

On the upside it's good to hear that you're still beavering away at your studies.

Take care babe,

MtD

Offline Ann

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Re: Not doing well
« Reply #24 on: October 31, 2007, 06:07:06 PM »
Derek,

Before you even think about posting again, remember that "condom sex" is not a risk for hiv infection. Negative test result + no risk = negative test.

Please make sure you're familiar with our posting guidelines found in the Welcome Thread

This forum is not the appropriate place for your to work through your anxious feelings. Please see your therapist. And good luck, Derek, I know you've been working on these issues for years. Keep at it.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline derektoronto

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Re: Not doing well
« Reply #25 on: October 31, 2007, 08:43:43 PM »
Dear Ann,

I didn't receive a negative as I haven't tested in two years. That is the root of this worry related to the Seb.
I will take your advice, and appreciate it.

D

Offline Ann

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Re: Not doing well
« Reply #26 on: October 31, 2007, 08:59:56 PM »
Derek,

When you tested two years ago, unless I'm missing something here, you tested hiv negative.

Since then you have had sex - using condoms. This means since the time you tested negative, you haven't had a risk. Condoms prevent hiv transmission. There is no reason to think you are anything other than hiv negative.

As I said, this forum is not the appropriate place for you to work through your anxieties. Please keep working with your therapist.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline derektoronto

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Re: Not doing well
« Reply #27 on: October 31, 2007, 10:33:58 PM »
Sorry Ann,

I will look for an OCD support site. I can see you guys have tightened things up here and I apologize for being a nuisance. It is just that after so many years coming to this site, it feels a bit like a familiar respite. I will definately take you up on your advice. I had my OCD med dosage increased today after a consult and will abstain. The last thing I want is a 'time out'. I would feel awful if it came to that.

Kindest regards
D

 


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