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Others' reactions to your testing poz: what happened?

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CalvinC:

Hi all

You're all so great in responding to my last topic on the first three weeks. (I printed the thread so I can reread them at home...they're very very thoughtful.)

Similar to that topic, I'm interested in how others reacted to your news and how you FELT about it.

My story (yet again): the most important person I told (three weeks ago) was the guy I was dating. His response?  "You're kidding." Then, "You're not serious." (The reason I tested was because there was a skin abrasion while we were having safe sex and he was worried about it. I had assured him I was negative and went for a test to reassure him. So much for that.) My ordeal quickly became his ordeal, and I was doing the comforting. He even called his GP to see about testing right away (which I told him was useless since he wouldn't know for at least two months).

The eventual result was that he, the next day, told me he needed "room" to sort things through. I asked him a number of times, in calm, reassuring, non-threatening ways, if this was meant to mean not seeing me anymore, to which he said, "I don't know" repeatedly. Long story short: I saw him on campus a few days later, he said he'd call...and that was it.

What I feel about this is tearing me apart, less so now than the first couple of weeks. His apparent dumping me is so closely tied to my experience of testing poz that I can't separate the two. I'm angry with hiim for not being more straightforward, angry because I am feeling like a heel because he made the issue seem like his tragedy that I must somehow account for, angry because I can't figure out how I can like someone so much yet be upset with him, angry because I''ve lost him. I wanted to forgive him, but I see now that I need to work through all this anger first.

When I asked a friend of mine how come my ex gets off scot-free, so to speak, and I don't, my friend said, "Because he can...no one is holding him to account for what happened between you, and none of his friends likely really knows why you broke up." (The ex had said that he needed space but not because of the HIV.)

All I'm left with is guessing, inconclusion, and anger. Pray for me that I might move past this with grace and eventual forgiveness.

cal (and I promise I will not repeat this story again!!)

jkinatl2:
Honestly? If he freaked out over safer sex wth a skin abrasion to the point where you got tested, he likely had/had a severe phobia about HIV, and perhaps OCD.  We get people like that in the "am i infected" forum all the time, and they are FAR from rational where HIV transmission is concerned. Please believe me. It wasn't you. It wasn't even HIV, really. It was him.

CalvinC:

You're right jk. I know it's him, not me. But I'm still left to do his emotional work, or at least the stuff that got dumped on me.

But I do like your way of putting things!! I need to hear these things more often. Otherwise, I might remain stuck.

Many thanks,

cal

allopathicholistic:

--- Quote from: CalvinC on June 18, 2006, 10:52:22 PM ---Long story short: I saw him on campus a few days later, he said he'd call...and that was it.

--- End quote ---

You'll move past this with grace and growth. As far as him saying he'd call and then not - Well, what's he gonna say? "You won't receive any further calls from me. Good luck to you." ???  ??? You'll be fine.

Sdgirl:
Calvin,

It has become very apparent to me that I must now start taking care of myself.  I can not be consumed by other peoples reaction to my status.  This disease will separate the men from the boys BIG TIME.

I no longer worry about what people think because now, for the first time in my life, it is all about taking care of me first before all others.  Once you get over the heartache and hurt, you will be better able to focus on what is important...........YOU.

Lisa

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