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Author Topic: I am becoming a bitter lazy lonley jerk. Is it a phase?  (Read 1077 times)

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Offline Ihavehope

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,366
  • Yes, I'm a cry baby, AND WHAT?
I am becoming a bitter lazy lonley jerk. Is it a phase?
« on: February 19, 2007, 02:00:09 PM »
Hi Boys and Girls

I admit that I been a difficult person to deal with before HIV but now I can't even stand myself. I get annoyed when people try to be toooo nice to me. I get annoyed when people talk to me when I don't want to talk and tell them to go away. I get annoyed at my mother when she asked me how I feel, especially when i haven't told her anything.

I don't help around the house anymore, I don't wash my dish after I eat anymore and expect others to do it for me. I don't pay my bills on time because I simply don't feel like getting up and going to the bank to deposit money. I get very impatient when people make me wait and the subway takes to long. I don't answer phone calls from friends no more and I don't take care of my appearance no more. I don't care how wrinkled my clothes are when I go to work and I don't even bother to brush my hair.

The depression is kicking in REAL hard and I can bear to think that from now on I would have many days feeling like this. I don't look forward to anything anymore. I dread weekends and don't go to family events or parties anymore. I don't want to feel or act this way but as much as I try to keep a positive view of life I am scared and pessimistic of what is to come.
Infected: April 2005
12/6/06 - Diagnosed HIV positive
12/19/06 - CD4 = 240  22% VL = 26,300
1/4/07 - CD4 = 200 16% VL = ?
2/9/07 = Started Kaletra/Truvada
3/13/07 = CD4 = 386 22% VL ?

Offline aupointillimite

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,229
  • FUS DO RAH!
Re: I am becoming a bitter lazy lonley jerk. Is it a phase?
« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2007, 02:09:22 PM »
Lonely lazy jerk?  You're turning into me!  Huzzah!    ;)

Dude, I will say you've been through a lot... and it's February, the most god awful miserable of the winter months.

But I remember that happening to me a few times the first year I was diagnosed... it is something of a phase... but one that you shouldn't have to deal with. 

Are you getting any therapy or anything?  I know that's the usual question... but I think in your case, you might really benefit from it. 

And really, there's nothing worse then lethargy for making depression worse... it feeds itself, and it's craptacular.
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline Ihavehope

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,366
  • Yes, I'm a cry baby, AND WHAT?
Re: I am becoming a bitter lazy lonley jerk. Is it a phase?
« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2007, 02:16:17 PM »
Hey Aupo

Yes I am in therapy had my first session a week ago and I am in a support group. It's been helpful but i've had many issues pre-HIV and HIV makes my problems feel 100x worse. It's hard being me. The therapist is a queeny gay guy who gt annoyed when I got there 5 minutes late on a friday at 4:30 and she wanted to probably go home since I was his last session. So I even annoyed my therapist.
Infected: April 2005
12/6/06 - Diagnosed HIV positive
12/19/06 - CD4 = 240  22% VL = 26,300
1/4/07 - CD4 = 200 16% VL = ?
2/9/07 = Started Kaletra/Truvada
3/13/07 = CD4 = 386 22% VL ?

Offline aupointillimite

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,229
  • FUS DO RAH!
Re: I am becoming a bitter lazy lonley jerk. Is it a phase?
« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2007, 02:18:22 PM »
Hey Aupo

Yes I am in therapy had my first session a week ago and I am in a support group. It's been helpful but i've had many issues pre-HIV and HIV makes my problems feel 100x worse. It's hard being me. The therapist is a queeny gay guy who gt annoyed when I got there 5 minutes late on a friday at 4:30 and she wanted to probably go home since I was his last session. So I even annoyed my therapist.

What a tool!  Not you... the therapist.

I wouldn't think anything of it... you're probably a bit more sensitive than usual right now, and when someone acts like that, you feel it that much more... that was still a pretty bitchy thing for the therapist to do though.
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline bear60

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,104
Re: I am becoming a bitter lazy lonley jerk. Is it a phase?
« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2007, 02:28:50 PM »
Well, I was ready to  jump down your throat....but was relieved to see that you are in therapy.  Thats good. Even if you have to switch therapists....stick with it.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: I am becoming a bitter lazy lonley jerk. Is it a phase?
« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2007, 02:46:42 PM »
As I remember it, the first year or two after diagnosis, I had horrible mood swings. Pile years of depression-related anger on top and you've got an angry, cranky person on your hands. Impatient too, like you wouldn't believe.

In my unasked for opinion, these extremes in feelings will settle down ... eventually.

Daniel
« Last Edit: February 19, 2007, 02:49:38 PM by DanielMark »
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,486
Re: I am becoming a bitter lazy lonley jerk. Is it a phase?
« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2007, 05:23:31 PM »
like Bear said, stick with it. I think it's good you're recognizing what your issues are. If you don't feel comfortable with the bitchy queen, go get a hottie. My ex went to one in Manhattan once, and I was asked to join them one session. I couldn't get over how good looking his therapist was!! lol
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline Peter6836

  • Member
  • Posts: 391
  • Me and my Granddaughter Noa
Re: I am becoming a bitter lazy lonley jerk. Is it a phase?
« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2007, 10:30:34 PM »
I say find another therapist.  Also talk to your Doctor about some meds, hey there is nothing wrong with taking an antidepressant at least until you get over this funk. Depression can be serious and hurts a lot, do not punish your self and those around you. You deserve to feel better.
Peter

Offline koi1

  • Member
  • Posts: 713
Re: I am becoming a bitter lazy lonley jerk. Is it a phase?
« Reply #8 on: February 19, 2007, 11:48:48 PM »
Hey Iva,

I am so sorry to hear that you feel your depression is getting worse. I hope I don't sound too cheerful for you. I know this sucks and depression is normal at this point. What I do know is that staying at home is worse for me. As much as I have to drag myself out of the house on the week-ends, it helps. My trip to San Francisco helped me get a bit distracted as well. I am back and I do feel lonely. For me I just don't like to be at home.

I know this does not help, and I feel for you. I wish I could be there to help. Too bad you are so far away.

rob
diagnosed on 11/20/06 viral load 23,000  cd4 97    8%
01/04/07 six weeks after diagnosis vl 53,000 cd4 cd4 70    6%
Began sustiva truvada 01/04/07
newest labs  drawn on 01/15/07  vl 1,100    cd4 119    7%
Drawn 02/10/07
cd4=160 viral load= 131 percentage= 8%
New labs 3/10/07 (two months on sustiva truvada
cd4 count 292  percentage 14 viral load undetectable

 


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