Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
E-newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr MySpace
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
September 20, 2014, 12:25:03 PM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 639576
  • Total Topics: 48546
  • Online Today: 206
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: Love, Dating and HIV?  (Read 2278 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Angelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 7
Love, Dating and HIV?
« on: February 19, 2007, 11:21:51 AM »
Hello ~

My hope is that you'll forgive my intrusion in your communication medium, but also that you'll allow me this venue to tell you about a recent experience.  Journaling or "Blogging" has always served the purpose of being one of the greatest therapies I've known and in this case I think telling the details to people who might get it could help me and maybe even some of you depending on how people respond. 

The story goes like this...

My friends, those very few that I've allowed to know my reality, but who offer the support I thought I could do without, but realize now I need, kept telling me... You have to try … “ you are too good of a person and have too much to offer to hide your heart away and to never give anyone a chance to love you”.  I think mostly I'm afraid to try. First, because I don’t want to ask someone to carry this burden with me and second, because I fear the blow to my self esteem if I tell them and they move away from seeing me as the "10" I liked being at times prior to my diagnosis.  I know what you're thinking... right away you'll say you can be a "10" and be poz, and truthfully I know that having this and dealing with it well makes you an "11", but it the moments when I  realize the world most often doesn't see me that way that cut me sort of deepest. And by no means should you think that I believe I'm a perfect "10". I'm well aware of my flaws, but I'm sure all of you can relate as some point to the times when those who've fallen for you see you as “10” and how good that feels.  

Anyway, all that aside I've waited two years to try... well almost two years.  I was diagnosed on Valentine's Day in 2005.  This story starts a bit over four years ago, but picks up just over a month ago. 

I'd met him, as I said, about four years ago.  He was one of those guys that all my friends noticed the moment he walked into the bar and hit on right away, but for whatever reason they'd been unsuccessful.  This fact alone was surprising to me because my friends are gorgeous and rarely get turned down. However, in this case he wasn't really into any of them.  He was sort of somehow above their obvious good looks and charm.  He and I started talking and kept doing so for an extended period.  Eventually I grew tired of yelling over the music and decided to go home.  He offered to walk me and I reacted with my usual... "Right, I've heard that line before"... which seemed to truly offend him.  He said he was trying to get to know me and I apologized for being so skeptical (not a normal trait for me, but when it comes to guys in bars... well you know how it is).  Anyway, he walked me part way home in the freezing dead of winter and when the cold got to be too much but our desire to keep talking stronger, we ducked into a convenience store and stood by the magazine racks talking for almost an hour.  Eventually I went home in the wee hours, he walked me only a bit further before turning to go, and that was that. I saw him only occasionally over the next few years as I sorted out what turned out to be a long and painful breakup from my now ex.  Flash four years forward and add my poor response to my broken heart, a momentary lapse in what used to be impeccable judgment, my resultant diagnosis and we are at the beginning of the story I want to tell today. 

I'd switched my training regime after Christmas this past year to incorporate more weights.  The combination of being a triathlete and my at the point nearly six months on my med regime had resulted in my being thinner than my vanity could handle.  I didn't want to stop racing, knew I couldn’t stop my meds and decided it was time to add weights again.  I'd work out in the mornings and noticed that he was there at that time too.  He'd smile and chat and always made me laugh.  He's super social like me and truth be told loves the sound of his own voice.  It wasn't long before I realized that the surprising ease of my five a.m. wake up was not the result of my morning workout buzz, but my desire to share his company.  Regardless, as long as it got me to the gym I considered it a bonus.  Not long after, our friendship seemed to be blossoming and I invited him to accompany/assist me with one of my best friend's surprise birhtday party.   Truth being told again, I was organizing the thing and needed some man power to pull the thing off, and it was a great excuse to extend our visits outside of the time we had in the early mornings.  He was so cute about arriving early, even though I was late and added to the event in a way that only someone with true social grace and a genuine desire to focus on the b.day boy could.  I was impressed.  We drank too much wine and he ended up accompanying me to my house, but sleeping alone on the air bed in my living room.  In the morning we had breakfast, chatted, he told me he was smitten with me and we ended the event with an incredible kiss/make out session.  Yes, I know too much information... but I need to tell this story.  What was I thinking? I guess I wasn't.  And so, the romance began.   

My plan as per the last two years was to allow him in only a little bit.  Find out what it was about him that would make him an unsuitable life partner and send him back out of my world.  I was hesitant to go down this road with him because having him in my world even if it was only in the mornings was wonderful, but he'd made his move and it could not be unmade so I'd have to play out the now common story where I tell myself I'm giving love a chance, but never really do.  Prior, I'd made up my mind that I don't have to tell every man who like me my reality.  I have the liberty of waiting until I trust him enough to do so.  I live in a larger city, but a smallish gay community, and my reality would result in a segregation that I'm not prepared at this point to face.  I have an amazing support system which I mentioned earlier and so only those who add to it get to know what is happening in my mind, behind my eyes and beyond the image of myself I show the world. 

The trouble started when I couldn’t find a reason to end the budding romance.  He's patient and kind, takes his time, focuses on his future, is driven, intelligent, he has a social and global awareness, acknowledges his flaws.. I could go on and on... Anyway, my next choices... get to know him and in time tell him the truth and see how he handles it.  My decision was to move forward, no sex, nothing that could put him at risk and when I believed I could trust him enough to sleep with him, give him the choice by informing him upfront. 

Believe me that alone scared me to death.  I have a hard time trusting men.  My experience has been that when the going gets tough they drop the ball and run... I won’t go into all of that, but my history makes it very hard for me to believe that there will ever be a man who will see me beyond my diagnosis.  Still I had to try.  He seemed so wonderful in every way I could imagine... Maybe he just might. 

Well, the relationship continued to move forward.  He was patient with my request to not have sex until we are sure we loved each other... but let’s just be clear that we are both men and that the heavy petting evolved quickly into what he and I now call "not sex".  No oral, no penetration, just heavy petting, masturbation, and lots and lots of kissing.  I had no issue with restraint.  He was clearly interested in going further, but respected my boundaries. We were safe.  

Yeah, that was until this past Valentines' day.  We had yet another amazing date.  The make out session afterward was incredible and things started really heating up.  I was afraid they'd get out of hand and truthfully wanted to go a bit further... so I put flavored condoms on both of us.  We graduated to oral and it was... "alright".  Not great, but alright.  We talked about how it was going, but didn't want to stop.  I changed our position and we were rubbing ourselves together.  We were still wearing condoms having not reached orgasm.  Eventually I was rubbing against his anus and yes... you already hear the "jaws music" in your heads.... He wanted me inside; I wanted to be inside... I knew better, he believed I was negative... despite our never having discussed it... and before you knew it I was inside.  It was only for less than 30 seconds.  I was still wearing the condom I'd put on earlier.  We quickly pulled ourselves together. I couldn’t seem to move and he felt awkward and so we stopped.  We moved back into our pattern of very safe "not sex"... and that was the end of the night.  However, it was the beginning of my worrying. After he left the next day I reread everything I had and could find about safe sex, HIV transmission, incubation periods, the works.  Two day later he called me after 10pm, way past both of our bed times, to tell me that he'd been throwing up.  I'm a nurse; I know how this disease works... I couldn't imagine that it was related, but still I worried even more... I had to do something. 

I'd wanted to tell him the weekend before all of this happened.  I had convinced myself that he was a great guy and would protect my reputation even if he needed not to see me anymore.  The problem was that the Monday following that weekend he had an assignment due in a professional course that he is taking and so I decided it could wait. Maybe I should have told him on Valentines' day. But that day was the two year anniversary of my diagnosis and I really just wanted to let the day be about something other than HIV.  I made up my mind that I would tell him this past weekend.  He had to get tested.  I had to make sure he was ok. Everything in my mind was telling me he was, but what if he wasn't.  What if I'd let the window of intervention pass (aka needle stick-prophylactic protocol), what if... too many what ifs.  I thought about just getting him tested without telling him know why; knowing that he'd think it was so that we could move forward in our sexual relationship.  Not being able to shake the fact that it was me who had dropped the ball, I decided I had to just tell him the truth. 

I'd been preparing myself the entire time I was dating him.  I was weighing the pros and cons. Being a nurse, I'm a teacher at heart and so... I prepared a diagram of my reality, my plan for him, how we'd gotten this far... I needed something.  I read everything I could find on this site about how to do this...  I knew I had to keep it simple, be direct, offer whatever assistance he was willing to take from me, and prepare for whatever consequences were to come.  I let go of how great it felt to have someone see me the way he had over the past while, to feel normal and beautiful and sexy and... to have someone dream of a future with you by his side.  I just wanted to do the right thing, which now seemed like damage control... I wished over and over I'd been able to stick to my original plan... to have given him a choice, a chance to make an informed choice about moving forward with me in that sort of direction. 

Yesterday was one of the hardest days since my diagnosis.  I'm ashamed of myself for not having had better self control.  I was a fool to think that over a month of being able to say no at critical points meant that I always would be able to.  I feel selfish even though I know that people with HIV deserve to be loved and must be courageous and try to let people in.  I looked in his eyes as he listened to my news.  I felt his hand turn clammy and his pulse quicken.  His shock was apparent, and despite it all, his concern for himself and for me shown through.  He used humor in his response and he stayed to talk.  He told me he'd try to be my friend, but that he knew that a relationship with me would be too much for him.  I listened.  I offered my support.  I told him that I'd understand if he needed to tell a friend to get through this and asked that he try to be as discrete or discretionary as he could, but to put his needs before my own and that I'd deal with the consequences.  He was kind, he was scared, and then he left. 

Today's a holiday here in my province.  He's surely at home still panicking about not being able to get tested until the clinic opens tomorrow.  I'm not sure if I should call him.  I made it clear that if he needs my help I'm here, but maybe I'm the last person he needs to hear from.  I'm a fixer by nature, but feel helpless to do anything.  I don't really know who or what to turn to...  and so I am here.  Making my first post on your site and opening who knows what kind of Pandora's box.

Am I a criminal?  How could I be so selfish?  How could I be so stupid?  I'm a nurse for crying out loud! My goal, my mandate… is to heal, not to hurt.  Am I really like all the men who've displayed for me the weakness in our gender?  Why is it that trying to be brave and in trying to do the right things, I never seem to be able to do enough?  AAaaggghhhh!!!! 

Ok, that's the story.  I don't really know how this site works.  I'm not certain that anyone will even read this.  Or that I've posted it in the right place.  I'm so afraid that I've hurt him.  I'm so sad that I've lost him.  I'm not certain that I can do this again.  How do people do this?  It's beyond me really.  If you could, would you pray that he is ok?  I'd appreciate that. 

J.  
« Last Edit: February 19, 2007, 01:57:36 PM by Angelove »
It's the chance of having a dream come true the makes life so interesting.  Paulo Coelho ~ The Alchemist.

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,486
Re: Love, Dating and HIV?
« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2007, 12:12:28 PM »
J,

Hi. I read the story so carefully. I was diagnosed 12/05, and I've just lately been able to allow myself to look for love again, so I was very interested in what you were going to say.

There have been many discussions here at AIDSMEDS on when to disclose to a potential BF. I'm of the belief that sooner rather than later, for obvious reasons. You have known this man for years, and lately so much more involved.

I can understand the fear he's going through, as I got symptoms a few weeks after attempted insertion, and it took me weeks to get tested due to me wanting a location away from my home area. The stress was insurmountable. Since you are on meds already, I'm going to assume you have an undetectable viral load, and therefore hopefully he didn't get infected. My benefactor was unaware of his status, and was probably high up in VL. Your friend is going through alot of emotions right now, not the least of which is wondering how someone he was falling for wouldn't have told him something so important, sooner.

I don't usually pray, as praying goes, but I willpray for him, and at the same time I will pray that you can find the strength you need to realize that you are more than good looks, great body, etc. I could tell you are just from this post.

There are so many people in pos/neg relationships. They do work.

I hope you will stay around here for awhile. I think you can use the support and answers you'll get from the great people here.

Until then, I hope everythings works out for your friend.  Welcome to Aidsmeds~

P
« Last Edit: February 19, 2007, 12:14:09 PM by Longislander »
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline redhotmuslbear

  • Member
  • Posts: 605
  • A genuine certified freak of nature, and a hot one
Re: Love, Dating and HIV?
« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2007, 12:33:44 PM »
J,
Some of this may sound harsh, but it's intended with honesty and caring.

Are you saying that you penetrated your boyfriend raw just last week?  If so, getting tested now isn't going to tell him anything valid about the encounter, as it's way too soon for markers to develop -- a nurse should know this.  If he does test now and come back HIV+, then it wasn't you who bugged him up, and the two of you can move forward once you get over the breach of trust and the idiocy of a neg guy letting anyone fuck him bare. 

Still, take some comfort in knowing that unless you were gushing precum during the brief time you were in him, the odds of infection are infinitesimally small.  And remember that no one can give you absolution but yourself.

Cheers,
David
"The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do." - BF Skinner
12-31-09   222wks VL  2430 CD4 690 (37%)
09-30-09   208wks VL  2050  CD4 925 (42%)
06-25-08   143wks VL  1359  CD4 668 (32%)  CD8 885
02-11-08   123wks off meds:  VL 1364 CD4 892(40%/0.99 ratio)
10-19-07   112wks off meds:   VL 292  CD4 857(37%/0.85 ratio)

One copy of delta-32 for f*****d up CCR5 receptors, and an HLA B44+ allele for "CD8-mediated immunity"... beteer than winning Powerball, almost!

Offline Angelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 7
Re: Love, Dating and HIV?
« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2007, 12:54:05 PM »
Hey..

Thanks for your post.  No, I didn't enter him unprotected and yes, I do know that getting tested now wont really tell him anything.  He just needs the peace of mind, based on having been sick for the past few days.  I had already assessed his symptoms and felt his lymph nodes which at this point are clearly not swollen nor could there being swollen, be at all related to HIV after such a short period.  Considering the time it takes for initial sero-conversion, I'm not worried about his latest sickness, but am worried about the future.  I also know that the next three to six months are going to be harried for him as he undergoes the procession of tests at the marked window periods that might tell him something (three months and six months). 

You couldn't possibly be more harsh with me than I already am, so no worries there.   

Again, I thank you for taking the time to read my post and for commenting. 
It's the chance of having a dream come true the makes life so interesting.  Paulo Coelho ~ The Alchemist.

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 24,705
Re: Love, Dating and HIV?
« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2007, 02:25:12 PM »
Your bf doesn't need to test beyond 3 months. The CDC, which is quite conservative with regard to testing, has for sometime considered 3 months post-risky incident to be sufficient for a reliable result.

Good luck with his result.

Andy Velez

Offline Florida69

  • Member
  • Posts: 428
Re: Love, Dating and HIV?
« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2007, 03:22:17 PM »
I am not judging you, and can really appreciate what you are going through, however you know in your heart where you went wrong.  I hate that you are having to beat yourself up. D
Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.
Calvin Coolidge

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,486
Re: Love, Dating and HIV?
« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2007, 03:23:26 PM »
J, I think I'm misunderstanding something, You had a condom on went you inserted? Ok I see you edited. I athought you went in without a condom.

I'm not the professional here, but I'm not sure his risk is very high??
« Last Edit: February 19, 2007, 03:25:13 PM by Longislander »
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline poet

  • Member
  • Posts: 934
  • Poet living and working in Central Maine
Re: Love, Dating and HIV?
« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2007, 05:18:25 PM »
Hey J.  Welcome to OUR forums, not 'your.'  Please know that everyone here (except moderators :) is here at the same level and despite some eruptions, should feel always welcome to post, especially when comfortable to post such direct situations.  You clearly have given us all the details.  As someone also in healthcare (mental health now) it's difficult to be yourself and a professional at the same time, all the time, and when the former supercedes the latter in any way, disappointing to us?  You will find lot's of threads here (at least since I started posting) about disclosure, about when guys do it, why they do it when they do, so if you don't find enough answer through replies in what is, correctly, your thread, do some digging around here.  My best reply is that your friend has the tools.  He is going to need to figure out which ones he needs and when.  Best, Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline Angelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 7
Re: Love, Dating and HIV?
« Reply #8 on: February 19, 2007, 06:04:42 PM »
No, you are all right... his risk isn't high at all.  It's not just that.  Yes, there is still a reason to be concerned, although it is extremely remote.  For the entire month and a bit that things were happening physically between us there was no oral or penetrative sex.  On Valentine's day there was oral with a condom (both giving and receiving) and penetration with a condom (me as the top and him as the bottom).  The duration was short there was no orgasm and on top of all that I am on meds and undetectable. I know that poz/neg couples have sex like this all the time and that they maintain status quo. I get that there is very, very, very little chance that he is infected.  Despite all the fear, both on my end and his... which no matter what, you can't shake when you're in the situation.  All of that said, I'm really glad to have you all remind me of the facts.   

Beyond that, there is the issue of dating at all.  I tried to do the right things... I really did.  For two years I've avoided letting anyone in.  He broke through my defences because he's just that amazing of a guy and believe me I'm not an easy nut to crack. One of you pointed out my knowing where I went wrong and you're right.  I should never have put myself in a situation where I might get in over my head.  I had planned all along to allow him an opportunity to make an informed choice.  I should have backed away from anything sexual and therefore not put temptation in my path.  I get that now too.  I just sort of feel a bit hopeless about all of this.  I'm very much a believer in the good coming in time, but you didn't see what I did inside his eyes.  I'm really not concerned about dating so much right now...  If not with him then what's the point and all... I guess I'm just not sure how to proceed.  Time is always my answer.  Time for him to know he's ok.  Time for both of us to heal.  I'm sure by then I'll be ready to face my reality again.  I'm just not sure how anyone can do this.  Where do you find the strength? 
It's the chance of having a dream come true the makes life so interesting.  Paulo Coelho ~ The Alchemist.

Offline Angelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 7
Re: Love, Dating and HIV?
« Reply #9 on: February 20, 2007, 02:14:50 PM »
For My Own Peace of Mind

   I keep asking myself if anyone will be able to see me beyond my diagnosis.  The question resurfaces in my head no matter how hard I attempt to focus on my work, my training, and the activities of my daily life.  I think about what it was about him that made me go so far.  I ask myself if it was him or what he represented.  While it is clear to me that I loved feeling normal for a time, loved having someone look at me the way he did, and loved dreaming about moving toward the future I always hoped for.  This alone could not have been it.  If that were the case I would have gone further earlier with the others who tried to talk the talk with me.  Instead I am left wondering.  What were the qualities of the man that made me believe in him?

   Clearly I was attracted to him.  Despite not being tall or dark, he was truly handsome, but it wasn’t that.  The others were handsome as well; more my type as they say.  It was deeper... more behavioral.  He was social, could talk to anyone, loved to hear himself speaking, as evidenced by the frequency with which he repeated things he’d already told me despite my insistence that he’d already mentioned whatever he was saying.  Yet, he listened.  Even if he was often too stubborn to change his mind, he did listen.  He was funny.  Not in the way that wins literary prizes, or provides enough material for a career in stand up, but in the way he perceived the world and faced his challenges.  He played with words and images in his mind to see the brighter and comical side and used his physical ability to animate to express the humor that lies beneath all of life’s trials.  I really appreciated that.  Lord knows there’s nothing I like better than to laugh... at myself and at the world around me. 

   I really loved that he was honest, practical, strategic in his approach to everything and driven to succeed.  There was a balance there between self awareness and a desire to face fears and to accomplish things.  I was aware of a budding and growing confidence in himself as a man, that I hoped to watch grow over time.  Sort of like if he told me he’d try I’d have every reason to believe he’d succeed.  I think that’s hard to come by.  He respected his own time and mine.  Wasn’t afraid to spend time by himself and when our schedules didn’t coincide, would remind me that it was ok, “he wasn’t going anywhere”.  There was clearly a time to focus and a time to play and his discipline assisted him greatly in choosing wisely.  I appreciated that too. 

   He loves his friends and it’s clear that they love him in return.  They speak always with historic references and of plans for the future together.  I watched them doing this and realized that it was from that frame of reference that he was so quick to make statements about a future with me.  It’s how they communicate and dreaming out loud is accepted among them and always allowed.  I know I panicked a bit when he’d say... “at our wedding” …     “you’ll get used to me doing this”…    “when we buy a house”.  I liked the idea that he figured from the beginning that I’d always be around. It seemed so easy for him to imagine a future with me.  I guess I found that intoxicating too.  It’s so the opposite of what I was used to and so reflective of dreams I’m afraid to think about now. 

   Mostly, I just liked when he held my hand and the way he’d smile whenever he saw me.  I loved that he believed in talking about our disputes, even though we only ever had one to go on. He was so aware of the importance of showing the world that we care about one another, not that we air our disagreements.  That level of maturity impressed me more than most of what I’ve already said.  He is a man who recognizes consequences before they occur.  And that I guess brings me to the harder part of this entry. 

   He, like me, is aware of consequences and works to avoid them.  He makes “good” choices.  That’s why when he said “if you’d told me sooner I’d have made different choices” it hurt so much.  Worse than that was when he said, “you can’t trick someone into loving you”.  Well, despite knowing that it could have been much worse than that, it hurt just about enough.  I can’t help but think that if he had it to do over; he would never have gotten to know me at all.  How can someone who saw in me what he was looking for, suddenly wish he had never known me?  Well, I guess I know the answer to that.  There is no way in a month that he could have experienced enough happiness to warrant what he now sees as the potential to never be happy again.  Lord knows I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.  Despite how isolated I feel in this and the extent of worry regarding my future, I don’t want anyone else to have to shoulder the same load. 

   I am doing my very best to accept the happiness that I knew because of him.  This brief reprieve was just a taste of a future that I will someday know again, with someone else, but next time permanently.  It’s hard for me to imagine a man who could see the world the way he does, but still see me.  Is it too much to hope for?  Can my heart and mind stand hoping and never have it come?  Can I stand trying over and over again?  Will I someday lose my battle to believe and to focus on the good in the world, and become cynical and bitter?  God I hope not. 

   I do wish for one thing.  I wish for him to be ok.  For this nightmare I’ve brought to him to pass.  I won’t wish for him to see me or for him to remember the man behind the diagnosis.  Wishing it makes me angry.  I believe still that he has the potential to do so, just maybe not yet and not for me.  Life will bring him challenges and maybe from this he will face them more bravely, stronger and with more of a willingness to accept the reality.  I can’t say he didn’t show kindness and that he didn’t show grace.  He did all of that in excess. 

   I’ll miss him.  I already do.  “Our” hypothetical plans for the future, having a date for Saturday nights, knowing that someone was thinking of me and smiling, and telling his friends that he cared for me; I’ll miss all of that. I hope someday he thinks of me with more than a sense of relief and a passing shudder.  It’s ok that he couldn’t love me.  I can and I do. 

   I thank God for the friends who support me.  I thank God for modern technology, the meds that keep me alive, the people who are working hard to address this issue and those who work to make a difference in the lives of the people forced to face it.  I thank God for the kindness shown to me by strangers and the love of my family.  I’m ok, better today than yesterday and it will be even better tomorrow. 
It's the chance of having a dream come true the makes life so interesting.  Paulo Coelho ~ The Alchemist.

Offline lifechanging2007

  • Member
  • Posts: 29
Re: Love, Dating and HIV?
« Reply #10 on: February 20, 2007, 03:54:41 PM »
Hey J,

I will try to make this as short as possible even though i read your thread like 4 times. OK here we go :

For me the most important thing that keeps this weird world spinning is love. Not necessarily LOVE between a man and a girl or a man and man but love in general;  mother's love to her child, brotherly love, best friendship love.
You did NOTHING wrong, it is hard as it is to live with HIV, and the only thing that keeps us moving day after day is hope for a "normal" life as close as it gets.
the only thing that you should have done was telling him before doing any "intimate" "anything".you see I learned one thing with HIV, it's a different world for different people. I blow-jobed a very very very close friend of mine 7 days before my diagnosis, it's true that he got tested and it came negative and he is waiting to get tested again, and he's being supportive and everything but everytime I look in his eyes i sense a fear and a hate of being potentially positive and for putting him into this situation.
noone will ever understand you unless he is positive. Its true that there are several poz/neg relationship but the majority of them were in the same relationship prior to diagnosis.

I really hope that the guy you're in love with will SEE behind the virus, but I am sure that HIV has given you the lesson "expect the worse". I will be praying for him to be YOUR ANGELOVE and if he was!!! you have to hold him tight, it is hard enough to find someone like that in the "neg-world" what if its in the "poz-world"  ;D

Good luck with your story, keep us posted
keep in mind that you're only mistake was trying to live again and try to spin your world around through love and feeling alive.

you have my prayers.

lifechanging2007@hotmail.com
27/01/07 CD4=15.36%=245 VL=542000
14/03/07 CD4=13%=241 VL=858000    STARTED COMBIVIR AND SUSTIVA ON APRIL 27, 2007
05/09/07 CD4=22%=361  VL=undetectable
21/12/07 CD4=22%=451  VL=undetectable

The greatest adventure is what lies ahead
Today and tomorrow are yet to be said
The chances, the changes, are all yours to make
The mold of your life is in your hands to break.

Offline poet

  • Member
  • Posts: 934
  • Poet living and working in Central Maine
Re: Love, Dating and HIV?
« Reply #11 on: February 20, 2007, 05:17:36 PM »
Thanks for keeping it coming our, J.  It's going to help you to process things and, if you can keep everything that was right about him, it will give you a measure against anyone you meet in the future, how does he compare, in the same way that gay writers used to write about first loves and how they always intrude.  I can also add that we have had one or two posts here in threads about dating and disclosure in which the guy who went away eventually came back.  I can't say that this is in your future, but I can say that it has happened.  Best, Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline Florida69

  • Member
  • Posts: 428
Re: Love, Dating and HIV?
« Reply #12 on: February 21, 2007, 12:36:09 PM »
For My Own Peace of Mind

   What were the qualities of the man that made me believe in him?

   I am doing my very best to accept the happiness that I knew because of him.  This brief reprieve was just a taste of a future that I will someday know again, with someone else, but next time permanently.  It’s hard for me to imagine a man who could see the world the way he does, but still see me.  Is it too much to hope for?  Can my heart and mind stand hoping and never have it come?  Can I stand trying over and over again?  Will I someday lose my battle to believe and to focus on the good in the world, and become cynical and bitter? 

   I do wish for one thing.  I wish for him to be ok.  For this nightmare I’ve brought to him to pass.  Wishing it makes me angry. 
   
   

  I am so sorry that you are hurting, you know that time has a way of healing people's hearts.  You seem like a truly wonderful person, I don't usually post in this forum, but I do want to make it clear to you from my earlier post that you were not all wrong.  It takes two, and you just wanted to be accepted for you not for being virally enhanced.  It is okay to love and to be loved in return.  The qualities that made you believe in him are simple, he was real, direct and honest with you.  You deserve that and you also know you have to be that person too.  The most important thing is to learn from this experience like all of life's experiences.  What did it teach you? How will you handle the next situation differently? We all deserve to have hope in our lives, and so do you.  Remember what you had and why you made the choices you made. My mom used to say you have to take the good with you in dealing with the bad, and most of the time the bad outweighs the good.   

My wishes for you are to not stop trying, believe in yourself and give yourself a break, you seem like you are a truly wonderful person with a good outlook on life roll with it. Life is to short to be unhappy.

Take care, and take a deep breath and get back out there.   HUGS to you...   D   

[attachment deleted by admin]
« Last Edit: February 22, 2007, 10:16:36 AM by Florida69 »
Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.
Calvin Coolidge

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.