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help -- still trying to cope emotionally -- ALONE feel very alone

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bimazek:

help -- still trying to cope emotionally 8 months after diagnosis

every day since June 1981 i have been in dread and fear and terror and anguish and worry and suffering.  I was young, a teenager really, i went to my first gay pride in June 1981 in SF and was so happy and out and excited then one week later i was one of the few people on the planet to hear the news first hand in the castro... a gay cancer a gay disease a gay plague, suddenly my happy childhood was over and death hovered and pursued me with a vengence.  I can say that in a way I never had another carefree day.  I watched and lived thru the nightmare that was SF castro from 1981 to 85 and i was so so very young, as i write this in 2007 i feel like a ghost who has been walking for decades in a fog in a cloud, in SF in those dark days as anyone who was their knew, death came fast and furious, there were no treatments or understanding of any OIs.  I saw the most gorgeous men and friends go from perfection of 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s men to skeletons in weeks, it was so terrifying for someone just out of their teens like me.  Then in 1984 i had some weird diseases, and i told the dr. about ending up in a hospital in london in 1982 for a week with high high fevers, he gave me some tests, (one new fangled one for a virus that they could test for... this was before there was an hiv test)  bascially he asked me how many sex partners i had had, and it alot, and based on that, and my poz result to a eb virus test and having had some hpv warts removed, he encouraged me to put my affairs in order, to me at that time in 80s it meant i had two years to live.  i quit my corp. job, ran, hide, tried to live each day as it was my last, put myself thru too much torment saw and heard of many friends passing, years passed, it was 87 ,88 and i was still alive, the test was accurate then, should i take it to see is it possible i wasnt infected, after all, i thought of every cold every flu every aging process in the 20s and 30s as a sign of my demise, i got the test,

one shocking day back in sf after having run away for years, and i was negative, how could that be, i had to get tested again and again, finally i accepted it, i was not going to die, all those 3 years of worry had been for not  ...  but then every time i had sex for the next 20 years every bj every encounter, i worried would this begin my early death, this is a long long story, i am trying to condense, i go tthe test numerous times again over the years, saw many more new friends in calif, nyc, miami etc pass away, it was a terrifying time the early 90s when i saw my friends grasping at straws and disappearing, so many lovers, friends, best friends mentors gone, i tested negative in 1999.  each step each year was like climbing up a rock wall hoping to get a little older
hoping to not make a mistake, loose my footing, fall,

i was crippled emotionally, crippled in some human way that only someone who has been thru the largest plague in mankinds recorded history can understand, i always felt a distance from people,

finally in 2003 i got tested and was negative, and i thought well i have made it into my 40s at least now with the new meds if worse comes to worse i do make a mistake, then i can make it to at least my 60s right right right, please tell me i am right.  i thought i was immune or that i dont know

i made a mistake, one loosy mistake in 25 years and sometime in like 2005 i got it, i was tested poz for the first time in 2006 june.  it was and is a terrifying scary thing, one billion, one trillion times worse that i ever imagined, from the outside from seeing my friend coping courageously, much worse than i imagined , and i am still very healthy, and havent started meds, i have had two very very though health issues, one a lung mrsa that caused 800cc of fluid in plural space and a abscess in a bad area thats taken months to heal and this is with high t cells of 500 to 592 or so and 24% and vl form 22k to 75k

i dont know, i am isolating alot, feeling alone

i know that i want to have a child that is clear to me, i need to find a poz woman i guess, or something, somehow having my own blood child means that i wont die in some way to me, i am gay or bi or whatever, i havent been with a woman for decades, but

some days are better, i am so fearful of starting meds, i can barely get thru 2 weeks of antibiotics cause it makes me feel off,

why didnt i be perfect not make any mistakes not get it
why didnt i become celebate, throw myself into work, forget sex
why is life so hard, people so self motivated,

i know i can get thru this and i will live for along time

the dr. say hey you will live for decades, and you will have normal life span without diminished capacities

but somehow the darkness has caught up with me

i feel incapable of love, of trust, of caring
i dont want anyone to know i am pos
to write it with a z is too harsh
i look to science to come up with a miracle for all the money to pay off
how could it have taken this long
already

why didnt the govt take aggressive steps in 1982 when it could maybe have been contained
how is it possible that bush et al have taken over the world
why has usa become such a brutal expensive fast paced place
where is that happy summer in SF in 1981 when the love hippy energy was still around
and music was live

why cant i tell my family, why are the doctors so over busy over worked, nurses too, why is there so so many super rich people with expensive everything,

why me

i am trying to keep on track, go to exercise, work out, keep fit

life was already too challenging for me

now i dont know if i can deal with all the new challenges

i am changed
time is even more important, do not compromise on bad situations bad moments, make change stay up stay positive

so many people disappeared
where did they go

my spiritual teacher says that in an orgasm for one second there is a feeling of being connected to another person for a second, and death is a billion times more blissful because suddenly you are connected to everything in the universe forever, that makes more sense to me than christianity





lifechanging2007:
wouw,

talking about emotions, well don't beat yourself too much, at least you were infected in your forties I am only 26.
we all have regrets on that time we weren't careful. It is just human to make mistakes. Keep that in mind!!!!

Somehow you story really makes me sad. I am newly diagnosed AND believe that in time i will feel better but it has been 8 months for you and you're still feeling down. Well i hope i will have more strength to fight it and start living again.

stay strong and good luck

Cheo63:
Hey Bimazek,

Read your posting.  I understand how you feel.  I believe that we all felt that way and some of us still do.  I had so many thoughts crossing my mind just like you.   I too asked myself so many times why wasn't I more careful.  But, like Lifechanging2007 above stated, we all make mistakes.  Unfortunately, this was a huge mistake.  However, it's done.  But we should all consider ourselves fortunate that there are new medications out there.   Back in the 80's people were dying from AIDS all the time.  Now, it's become more of a chonic illness than a death sentence.   We must do our best to look at our situation in a more positive way.  I believe better medications & treatments will be available for us in the very near future.  The last thing we should lose is hope.  So stand firm buddy!!   There is light at the end of the tunnel!!

Be at peace and have hope!!

dtwpuck:
Hi Biz...

It's really tough to get your thoughts in order.  I appreciate your posting because it reminds me of how I felt when I first found out.

Understand that there are no easy answers, but it will get better.  Take the time to be with yourself and try to make decisions slowly, deliberately.  Don't do something just because you are afraid of losing time.  What others have said to you (your doc and the posters above me) is very true.  You have decades inasmuch as we all have decades.

I remember often all the friends I have lost.  Your words "where did they go" echo for me.  While I don't know the answer, I do feel they are still part of me.  And my love for them and memory of them helps me want to live.   

It sounds like you have a spritual side.  I encourage you to explore your feelings that way and to discuss your situation with someone you know you can trust.  You will hopefully find solace and help that way.

And, my friend, let your mind continue to race a little.  There is nothing wrong with a stream of thought... get it all out.  We are here to listen.

puck

tigger2376:
Thats what makes this place great. The posts before me have said it brilliantly. It took me 5 years to come to terms with having  HIV and I hope you can find the strength to be at peace with yourself long before then. We may not have that amount of time to waste and we'll definately never have it again,so try and see there is hope and don't let it run,(or ruin) your life. Take care  :)

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