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Author Topic: Why am I alive?  (Read 6192 times)

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Offline Oscar

  • Member
  • Posts: 244
  • 20 Years POZ
Why am I alive?
« on: June 17, 2006, 01:53:29 AM »
I found out that I was HIV+ @ the age of 23. I am 43 now. I never thought that I would live this long. What am I  living for? To wake up tomorrow and feel more lonely than I am today? Why am I here? What purpose does my life serve? Sorry for being such a downer.Yeah, I', a little drunk and feeling sorry for myself. It happens sometimes. Why is it that I fall in love with a person (Stephen) I know that will never love me back the way that I want them to? I'm feeling like I have nothing to live for at the moment. The only thing I  have to look foreword to is Montreal. I miss my Oscar. That little dog meant more to me than anyone will ever know. But he is gone now & I feel like I  have no one to love & to love me back. The job at the bank isn't working out. They want me to work more but if I do I will loose my disability and Medicare. I can't pay for my prescriptions they are over 2000.00 dollars a month. At this moment I want to give up & not take another antiretroviral med. It would be a long slow death I know but death would be better than waking up tomorrow and feeling more lonely and dirty than I feel right now. I want to quit, throw in the towel & die. I'm feeling a little sick at the moment and need to go throw up.  I tell myself most of the time "I want to die." Dan is a failure. I live @ home with my parents. I feel members of my family think I'm a failure because I'm 43 fucking years old and I live with my parents. That they think I sponge off them to pay my bills and support me. They don't. I pay my way. But all I live for is to make a damn car payment & pay off credit cards that I ran up because I lived it up thinking that I wouldn't be here now.  I pay my bills and I should be thankful that I am able to do so. But I'm tired of having nothing left. I can' type anymore  right now. I gotta hurl.

Offline Teresa

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,753
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2006, 02:10:38 AM »
I know you miss your dog. Have you thought about getting another dog. There are plenty of dogs that need to be rescued to a good home.
When u hired on that bank wasnt it part time? Just tell them u were hired for part time and thats all u can work. Doesnt seem fair they can try to make u go full time.
So you live with your parents, that is no ones business but yours and your parents. WE live with my brother and i know some people have raised their eyebrows at that...i say screw em..they dont know the whole story and people that judge like that im not waisting my time telling them shit.
Unfortunately we cant choose who we fall in love with...hell most of the time thats just a crap shoot. All we can do is try and if it doesnt work out....cry for awhile..then try to move on..i know its hard.
Well i for one dont want you to die. You have answered a few of my post and got me thru a rough time. It would be a shame..a crying shame not to have you here in this world. You are un replaceable!

well im not feeling very good either...i harldy ever drink..the room is starting to look kinda weird so i better get to bed.

Please hang in there. Alot of people here love you!

Hugs
Teresa
Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
CD4:320
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)
 

Offline Oscar

  • Member
  • Posts: 244
  • 20 Years POZ
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2006, 02:29:26 AM »
Yeah I've thought about getting another dog but I'm just not ready yet. Oscar helped me through a very difficult time in my life. After my last case of PCP he was there for me.  I want to wait until after Montreal to get another one. I'm saving $ for another Schnauzer.  I need a dog that doesn't shed fur because of my allergies. The bank did hire me as part time but  a lady that works @ the branch I do just retired and they want me to work more. If they offered me insurance I would probably take it. If I did I could earn enough to move out of my parents house & live on my own again. But I don't do well alone.

I'm feeling kinda of jealous because Stephen has started dating a new girlfriend. I shouldl be happy that he has found someone but at the same time I feel left out & cast to the side. the only time he seems to call me is when he needs a ride or $.

I don't drink often either, but tonight I needed to change the way I felt. Didn't work. Seemed to only make things worse inside my head. Maybe I should just go to bed and hope I feel better Saturday. I doubt it though.

Offline lydgate

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,022
  • Virgin, can't drive
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2006, 02:32:23 AM »
Hey Oscar... I've told myself "I can't go on another day feeling like this" many, many times -- and not just over HIV, and sometimes for no reason at all. I had my first depressive episode when I was 10, second at 15, third at 21, fourth at 23... and then every two or three years since (I'm 33). Mostly, no triggers. I've accepted this illness (depression) as part of my life, and know that, given my frequent episodes in the past, I'll almost certainly be on anti-depressants for life. When I'm not depressed (majority of the time), life is life, sometimes wonderful or shitty, but ordinary life, no feelings of despair, worthlessness, I can't go on.

Online amateur diagnosis: What I'm trying to say is: it sounds from your description that you're undergoing a bad depressive episode. Are you on, or have you considered trying, taking antidepresants. Think about it, talk to your doctors about it, make an appointment with a psychiatrist who's handled HIV patients before. There IS hope. I should know, I've grit my teeth and gone through some bad unbelievably painful times times. But they pass. Really they do. I'm not undermining or underestimating how shitty you feel right now. But rather than throwing in the towel, so to speak, please think about seeking med/psych help. Probably the last thing you want to do is see another doctor or deal with another medicine that may take a while to work. But it IS a viable option. And when you feel better, you'll be in control of your life again, and make decisions about what needs to be done to make it better -- as a strong man who's beaten HIV for 20 years. None of this meant to sound platitudinous. I mean every word. Get in touch if you want talk about how crappy you're feeling. I'm here to listen, and offer my help in whatever little way I can.

With a hug from someone who occasionally drinks too much to numb the pains of existence as well...

lydgate
Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

George Eliot, Middlemarch, final paragraph

Offline Teresa

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,753
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2006, 02:34:37 AM »
Next time he calls wanting money or a ride tell him to call his new girlfriend.

You deserve better than that!

Hugs
Teresa

P.S. feel a little better since i puked...do you?
Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
CD4:320
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)
 

Offline cubbybear

  • Member
  • Posts: 510
  • Joined August 2005.
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2006, 02:36:18 AM »
Hey Dan,

Wish I could say or do more.  Hang in there matey.

((((((hugs))))))
Matt
There's a bear in there!
Positive since 2000
Diagnosed 17/9/2005 CD4 35 VL 293,000
Meds 23/9/2005 Sustiva/Truvada
Currently CD4 232 VL Undetectable

Offline Oscar

  • Member
  • Posts: 244
  • 20 Years POZ
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #6 on: June 17, 2006, 02:46:29 AM »
I know I should tell him to call the trampy bitch but the need to have him around is strong> I can't seem to say no to him most of the time. Can you say codependent, insecure hiv+ faggot? It's what I am. I puked but I don't feel any better.  I need to go to bed, but the room is spinning.

Thanks Matt. Seeing your photo & reading your post helps more than you know.

Offline Teresa

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,753
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #7 on: June 17, 2006, 02:51:42 AM »
Sending you a big hug!

You hang in there hon..it will get better.

Hugs
Teresa

P.S. going to bed,,if i can make it.
Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
CD4:320
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)
 

Offline Oscar

  • Member
  • Posts: 244
  • 20 Years POZ
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #8 on: June 17, 2006, 02:54:46 AM »
I need to  go to bed also. Hopefully things won't seem so bad Sat AM.

Teresa thank you for being here for me.

Love,

Dan

Offline bobik

  • Member
  • Posts: 315
    • My worksite
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #9 on: June 17, 2006, 03:41:46 AM »
Hey Dan,

I hope your saturday will be a better day...........you found out drinking doesn't help, that is one thing you know already.

I hope knowing that we care does help a bit.....

Coen
Coen Honig at Facebook

Offline Cliff

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,645
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #10 on: June 17, 2006, 09:05:30 AM »
Dan,

I'm sorry to hear this.  I wish I had some answers for you, but I don't.  I know I haven't walked in your shoes and what I have to say may sound naive, but this is what I was thinking...

1.  Have you sat down and crunched the numbers of what would happen if you worked full-time at the bank?  I would think you would consider the following:

- Will you make more money working for the bank than you would from your disability check (probably the easiest part to calculate)?
- Will you have access to health insurance at the bank, if you worked full-time?  Will that health insurance cover all of your meds/illnesses as does Medicaid now?

2.  Have you thought about whether you can handle working full-time, health wise?

3.  Have you thought about what needs to happen in order for you to see a change in your life?  As with anything in life, it's a matter of taking risks.  Not all risks are the same, so I can't tell you that you should just start working full-time and see how things go (cause obviously there are other considerations)....but having said that, you know how things will proceed if you remain on disability and continue to live at home with your parents.  That's unlikely to bring you any happiness.  So maybe looking into small things you can do to break that cycle.  Okay, so maybe getting off of disability is not the best option right now....then check into possibility getting a place of your own (perhaps applying for Section 8 housing) or maybe even moving in with a roommate (even someone you don't or barely know)..

Again, I'm sorry things aren't going well for you right now.  Keep looking forward and I know things will get better for you.

- Cliff

Offline allopathicholistic

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,258
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #11 on: June 17, 2006, 09:24:30 AM »
I tell myself most of the time "I want to die." Dan is a failure. I live @ home with my parents. I feel members of my family think I'm a failure because I'm 43 fucking years old and I live with my parents. That they think I sponge off them to pay my bills and support me.

As Teresa said thats your biz. plus in the old days (ancient times too) large extended families lived together. Today's society has all these fascist parameters about who's a winner and who's a loser. all bullshit, all negative, and the scary thing is people eat that shit up like it's the truth. ha

REMEMBER - THINGS CHANGE. you're not weak, you're strong. strong, strong, strong!  8)
« Last Edit: June 17, 2006, 09:28:09 AM by allopathicholistic »

Offline fearless

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,191
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #12 on: June 17, 2006, 09:27:22 AM »
hey Dan,
Wish I could pop over there and give you a big hug. You're no failure matey. You're a fighter and a survivor.
Peace to you Dan.
Stephen
Be forgiving, be grateful, be optimistic

Offline jordan

  • Member
  • Posts: 239
  • What I want is a celebration
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #13 on: June 17, 2006, 09:41:47 AM »
Hey Dan:

I'm new to the forum, but just wanted to say hang in there and keep going forward.  I have often asked myself the same question you posed in the subject line.  I was recently diagnosed with HIV this February.

I'm not sure how long I may have been infected, because I never was tested until I had  swollen lymph node.  The good news is that I started treatment and the medicine seems to be working.

I'm inspired by caring words from the people on this forum and take  comfort in knowing that there are other people like me.  Coincidently, last night they had Magic Johnson on Jimmy Kimmel Live - he is another person that inspires me to go forward and a great example of someone who is a survivor.

Bloom where you're planted.  You may be knocked down, but your not knocked out.  For me it's helped to stay busy with activities and that means biking, working in the garden, and doing things that I love.

There's on old saying, that goes "I once felt sorry for myself because I had raggedy shoes, until I met a man with no feet."

Peace,

Jordan
If you think your lonely now, wait until tonight.

Offline david25luvit

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,409
  • Member since March 2005
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #14 on: June 17, 2006, 09:48:39 AM »
Dan....


                 Believe me when I say I understand perfectly.  No I don't live with my parents (haven't since I was seventeen) but after David passed away I was asking myself the same questions.  Today I can truly say that life
is a GIFT.  There are times when we all ask ourselves WHY but I think in the long run its important to remember we all go thru stages and "periods" in our life.  Maybe Steve is not the right one...  and maybe living with your parents is a drag...I don't know but I can tell you one thing.  I for one am glad you're around.  You've touched my heart on more than one occassion :-* :-* :-*
In Memory of
Raymond David McRae III
Nov. 25, 1972- Oct. 15, 2004
I miss him terribly..........

Offline krakerjm

  • Member
  • Posts: 107
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #15 on: June 17, 2006, 10:24:00 AM »
Hey man, I do the pity trip often especially if I drink too much.  In the last 4 yrs I've lost two cats, my beloved golden retriever(no I don't have another dog, don't think I ever will), a younger brother, and my best friend to HIV.  He was 30 something and decided he didn't wanna live like this anymore, quit his meds and yes, a long slow painful death.  I loved him dearly but knew the kind of relationship I wanted was never to be, so I had to be his friend to keep him in my life.  I too am living on disability, medicare and medicaid; while I have my own place as meager as it is, I can't do it without a rmmate to help with rent and expenses.
At times I too wonder why I am alive, for what?  I've had a good life til now and at 63 see no future, no new goals, hopes or dreams. BUT, while the spectre of death plagues us all, I have never seriously given up; tho it has crossed my mind when I'm down, I know I'm fooling myself.  Even tho many of my days are long and boring and I don't see a lot of purpose in my life now, I know the truth is, I donot want to die, and will not before my time and will fight it then with all the energy I have...
GWM, 63, PN w/footdrop
"I swear there ain't no heaven, pray ther ain't no hell"

Offline krakerjm

  • Member
  • Posts: 107
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #16 on: June 17, 2006, 11:01:54 AM »
I got interrupted...guess what I really wanted to say to you is, no matter how bad it seems at times, there are many people worse off than you or I; I know that's no consolation.  I have no great words of wisdom or insight as to how to find a reason to go on living.  It just isn't normal not to want to see the next new day and if you are seriously considering giving up by any means of suicidal tendency, perhaps counceling is in order.  I have never been able to understand anyone taking there own life(or anyone else's for that matter). I think you have just forgotten for a moment the good things in your life...
GWM, 63, PN w/footdrop
"I swear there ain't no heaven, pray ther ain't no hell"

Offline blondbeauty

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,784
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #17 on: June 17, 2006, 11:08:35 AM »
My life is not very different from yours and I like it.
I live with my parents because I donīt like living alone and I know I will never be able to live with anybody else. I canīt even sleep with someone on the same bed and nobody is going to tolereate my bad mood long enough.
My life has always been like that, even before I knew I was HIV+. I know my relation with Manuel will never end up in "marriage" and I will end up being "Uncle Juan" looking after my brothers children. But I like that. I enjoy every minute I spend with my family. Nobody is going to love me more than they do and I will never have the feeling of having wasted my time as long as I spend it with them.
Try to focus your life from another point of view and take your meds. Remember we have to meet sooner or later.
I think all of us shoud purchase share options (or whatever you call them) of the labs that manufacture our meds. Then we would feel we are making profits every time we take our pills and become "rich" thanks  to HIV.
The only member in these forums approved by WINBA: World International Nail and Beauty Association.
Epstein Barr +; CMV +; Toxoplasmosis +; HIV-1 +.
Counts when starting treatment:
V.L.:80.200 copies. CD4: 25%=503
Started Sustiva-Truvada 14/August/2006
Last V.L.count (Oct 2013): Undetectable
Last CD4 count (OCT 2013): 52%= 933

Offline water duck

  • Member
  • Posts: 397
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #18 on: June 17, 2006, 11:14:37 AM »
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{DAN}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}  :-* :-* :-*

When u hit the bottom , the only way to go is UP !!!
Just let go , let it happens.
Why not consider now is time for a new beginning : new job, new fantastic numbers
GO GO GO !!!

Sending u warm regards.

Siang

Offline Life

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,388
  • Member 2005
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #19 on: June 17, 2006, 11:29:30 AM »
Dan,  I cannot possibly know what it is like to be around our condition for the time you have.  You have stuck it out..  I am sure this is not the FIRST time you have felt this way.  "Don't give up until the miracle happens" was a phrase I was told a long time ago.  I want to apply this to my life now with HIV.  Maybe you can to.

When Oreo died after watching me waste 10 years of my life boozing,  Oreo saw me at my worst and saw me at my best just before I had to put him to sleep.  I took him up to a very private place in the mountains and berried him.   Do not morn for Oscar to long.  After the Canada trip,  find Oscar 2!  It makes a big difference.  We took Johnny up to visit Oreo a couple weekends ago.  I cried allot.  "The passage."

Your relationship to your parents and living with them is yours.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with this...  Stigma again, Jebus!   

Lastly,  depression sucks..  I would say along with my ADD and depression, if I can bang my way out of that fucked up box, so can you.  But you cannot do this alone and you probably cannot do this by just the internet.  People in your life Dan can.  Maybe get some new ones in your life and you can afford to be choosy!  Your struggle as valent as it is will be easier if you shoulder the burdon with others... 

If the job is not what you want, find another...  It is just that easy.  Don't make the peak taller than it is..  I tend to make mountains out of total bullshit.   Then I walk outside my house and look at what a real mountain looks like and say.. Fuck me, what am I doing to myself?!?  I am learning more lessons.  Life is not thru with neither you nor I or all the beautiful people who come here to give support.  There is a purpose to us living with HIV/AIDS.  There is always a purpose and its not a vein one.   If this does not work.   I find putting my head between an open door and the frame and slamming the door a few times helps.  At least the pain outweighs the feeling of loneliness or sadness..

Put your shorts on, put your tank top on and go outside... Its quite lovely out no matter what the weather is doing....

Love
« Last Edit: June 17, 2006, 11:36:20 AM by Eric »

Offline krakerjm

  • Member
  • Posts: 107
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #20 on: June 17, 2006, 11:34:03 AM »
Am having probs with my DSL connection today for some reason...
One thing I do know a lot about is loving someone who doesn't love you back the way you would like.  There is more to love than romance and sex, much more.  If you love the person enough to accept that and want them in your life, it can be rewarding and fullfilling.  Todd(my friend that died, killed himself by giving up) became my best friend becuse I backed off and let it happen.  We shared great times and adventures together even to the point his lovers would accuse him of being closer to me than them.  I have a str8 friend of 20 yrs with whom I had sex with a couple times early on when we were drunk, LOL, and developed a serious crush on him and wanted much more.  I had to let it go; he is still very much in my life and closer to me than a brother or friend.  No sex or romace, but he loves me and I he and we play an important part in one another's lives.  
Okay, I'll leave you alone now; we hope to hear from you and know that you're okay.
GWM, 63, PN w/footdrop
"I swear there ain't no heaven, pray ther ain't no hell"

Offline Oscar

  • Member
  • Posts: 244
  • 20 Years POZ
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #21 on: June 17, 2006, 11:53:37 AM »
I am not feeling suicidal. I  was drunk and feeling sorry for myself when I started this thread. I feel somewhat better today. a little hungover but better. I haven't crunched the #'s but working full time at the bank is definantly more $ than disability. I need to check into the insurance stuff though. I don't know if there would be any problems with that since I've been on Medicare for the last couple of years. If I work full time I could definantly move out into an apartment. That would solve two things at once. I would feell better about myself because I have my own home & it would finally get me away from Stephen. I wish him the best & hope he stays clean & sober but I can't fix his problems & he can't help me with mine. It's just hard to let go when the he is the  only friend I have in Jackson.

I know I really don't have much to complain about & that there are people out there that have it alot worse than I do. I'm  gonna have to work on not being so negative most of the time.

Thanks,

Dan

Offline Cliff

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,645
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #22 on: June 17, 2006, 12:01:24 PM »
Dan,

I'm glad you are feeling better.  If you ask me, I say take the risk and get off of disability and work at the bank full-time.  PROVIDED, you can confirm that their health insurance plan is available to you from Day One (i.e., no 6 month waiting period) and its the typical group health insurance plan where they accept everyone regardless of preexisting conditions (probably the case if it is a large bank).  You can even use that ticket to work thing to ease into working full-time while keeping some of your benefits.

It sounds like you need a change and maybe this offer from the bank to work full-time is just the right change you need.

I wish you well guy,

Cliff

Offline krakerjm

  • Member
  • Posts: 107
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #23 on: June 17, 2006, 12:08:01 PM »
Good to hear from you, know you're felling rough, been there many times.
Be careful giving up your disability, hard to get back; and check carefully into the banks insurance if you do decide to go that route.
We all have bad days and don't feel embarrassed or anything; these are good folks and have put up with a lot from me these last few years of trying times.  I know there have been times some of them want't to reach out of my pc screen and strangle or bitch slap me back to reality; but their patience and kindness did more than a good spanking...
GWM, 63, PN w/footdrop
"I swear there ain't no heaven, pray ther ain't no hell"

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,705
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #24 on: June 17, 2006, 12:11:42 PM »
l
« Last Edit: February 17, 2007, 07:12:50 AM by skeebo1969 »
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline heartforyou

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,105
  • I must be a survivor in many ways...
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #25 on: June 17, 2006, 06:29:36 PM »
Sweetie,


You damn well make a difference and you know how much I care about you.

Take all he advice in consideration. And remember we all have our demons to fight.
Talk to me about depression.

Hang in there and wait for Montreal. It will make a hugeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee difference.

Wished I could hug and hold you.

Hermie :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Diagnosed in 1987 and still kicking
Viread, Kivexa (Epzicom),Viramune once daily

Happiness is the freedom of breathing fresh air every day.

Offline AlanBama

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,642
  • Alabama: the 'other' 3rd World Country!
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #26 on: June 17, 2006, 07:16:04 PM »
Dan,

I'm feeling your pain sweetie.   I understand.   I wish I had the 'answers', but I'm afraid I don't.

Montreal is going to be a tremendous spirit booster for us, I believe.   Hang on.

Love & hugs,

Alan
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline Robert

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,646
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #27 on: June 17, 2006, 07:50:15 PM »
Dan.

I'm glad you're feeling better today although you're probably hungover as shit.  Not much you can do about that except go outside and walk it off.

I agree with Cliff.  Crunch the numbers, look at the insurance qualifications, the Medicare Return To Work program to see how much leeway you have there, and if it's doable, then give it a shot.

Like Thomas said, you've been complaining about this for a long time now.  You've already made one  step by taking the part-time job.  DOn't back away from that.  See if it can evolve into something more.

It seems like you're having a hard time with Stephen situation and it's unlikely you'll leave home anytime soon so do the next best thing.  Stop drinking. It's a depressant that drags you further down.  Also, start getting out more.  Exercise. walk. Get on your bike and start tooling around town.  Give yourself a nice goal to work for.  Like Alan said, Montreal is coming in August.  There is your goal right there.  Work on your own mental health so you'll be on top of the world come Aug. 17,

good luck

robert
..........

Offline Oceanbeach

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Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #28 on: June 17, 2006, 07:50:39 PM »
Dear Dan,

First question:

Do you feel well enough to work 40 hours per week, 52 weeks per year?

If your answer is YES!, we can move to the next question, which is:

Is the HOPWA move-in grant funding available to you in your area?  In most Title I EMA's HOPWA funding is available for first month's rent and security deposit with some conditions on security deposit amounts.  Your Case Manager has that local information and funding availability.  Find out about HAF funding in your area from the Case Manager.  HAF is housing assistance which will cover catch-up on one months rent (per year) and/or utility assistance.  The funding levels on these programs change every year so Case Management becomes your new best friend in this program.

There are over 40 million people on disability in the U.S. so Social Security has developed a program called "Return to Work," you should have a voucher in a file somewhere.  The use of that voucher gives your employer a tax break for hiring the disabled.

You are also entitled to try and return to work for 9 months with no loss of Social Security, Medicare or Medicaid benefits.  This program can be extended for up to 1 full year under certain circumstances but if you do try this program, any disability monies received after that time will be paid back so, it is advised to stop spending their money after the initial program ends.

Prior to Medicare Part D and possibly still in effect is the option to extend Medicare coverage for up to three years if you pay a share of cost.  Before Medicare Part D, that share of cost was minimal, I believe it was approximately $56.00 per month.  I do not know what the current amount is but those figures are available by calling Medicare.

IF YOU SHOULD CHOOSE TO ACCEPT THIS ASSIGNMENT Your homework will be to call each of these organizations to obtain current facts and figures.

If I may be so bold to offer more advice:

Take Mr. VISA and MR. MASTERCARD out of your wallet, into a drawer and keep your payments current.  The reason I suggest this is because, in my personal credit history, I have not had a job in over 10 years, have lived on a disability income for the entire time and can go to any real estate office and get funding to purchase a multi-family dwelling IF the seller will carry a 20% second deed of trust.  Not bad for an HIV+ faggot, who is over 50.

If I may be bold enough to offer even more advice:

When former BF's call to ask for money, the correct response is, "Do I look like an ATM?

When former BF's call to ask for rides, the correct response is, "You have seen those big things going up and down the street and stop every three blocks?  They are called a Bus, try one."

The reason you are still alive is because you have earned that right.  It is an entitlement program and as an individual, you contribute every day.  I know this because I log on the forums almost every day since September 2005 and every one of those times you have offered support to someone who, like all of us lives with HIV.  Have the best day
Michael

www.Commission-on-AIDS.org

Offline Jeffreyj

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Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #29 on: June 18, 2006, 05:50:47 AM »
Dan,
We have all felt the way you are feeling right now. You are to be commended for having the balls to say how you really feel. You are a real person man, and I respect you for being so honest.
F&*k what other people think! They don't have a clue how difficult living with HIV is. So you live with with parents? As Teresa and allopath pointed out, that is your business.
Tomorrow is another day. Things can get better if you let them. You are a good man with a great heart. Don't lose it!
Love to you man,
Jeff
Positive since 1985

Offline Optimistic

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  • An Apple A Day Keeps The Doctors Away!
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #30 on: June 18, 2006, 06:28:36 AM »
Dan,

You are not the only one who feels lonely at times....we have all been there.  If you want someone to love you, you have to be able to love yourself first.  I know it is very difficult to get over someone you love very much, but this Stephen guy is not the only guy out there.  There are plenty of other guys out there...all you have to do is put yourself out there....go and meet new people, have some fun.  You never know when Mr. Right will show up. 

Here is one purpose for you to keep battling and be strong....because you are still around, which I am very thankful that you are.....you are giving me hope that I will be around as long as you.  It may not mean much to you, but it sure means a helluva a lot to me.  Because you have been around and have beaten this disease for 20 years, you are my roll model, and provide hope for those who is newly infected.

I have you are feeling better....know that you have a friend in California.

Justin
12/06 (Atripla): cd4 - 260; cd% - 33%; vl - 169
1/07 (Atripla): cd4 - 267; cd% - 38.1%; vl - 132
4/07 (Atripla): cd4 - 373; cd% - 33.9%; vl - <50
7/07 (Atripla); cd4 - 287; cd% - 35.8%; vl - <50
9/07 (Atripla); cd4 - 356; cd% - 39.5%; vl - <50
12/07 (Atripla); cd4 - 517

Online Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
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Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #31 on: June 18, 2006, 09:57:17 AM »
Hi Dan,

Sometimes it doesn't seem so when we're feeling particularly down, but really we're all just stumbling and find our way the best we can through this journey.

I'm glad you reached out with this thread. You've gotten good, throughtful responses which remind you that if you're willing to reach out here and elsewhere there are people who will respond and who are glad you're around.

What kind of HIV/AIDS service organizations are there in your area? I'm wondering if there are such resources where you might get either individual or group support. Isolation is what you want to work on avoiding because then all the old tapes take over in your head that make everything seem pretty hopeless.

It sounds like you have some good options for changing things in your life. Keep us posted on how it's going.

I'll go out on a limb and say that I know there is stuff coming along that you're going to be glad about. Not everything for sure, but some of it is going to be real good. I promise. 


Cheers,
« Last Edit: June 18, 2006, 09:58:50 AM by Andy Velez »
Andy Velez

Offline Moffie65

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,755
  • Living POZ since 1983
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #32 on: June 18, 2006, 11:48:28 AM »
Hi Dan,

Please do me the favor of sharing a bit of time with you in private in Montreal; we need to talk.  There are some things that you can and should do to help yourself at this time.  I want to share some ideas, and ask you for the time to do it there.  ;D

In Love and Support.
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline Oscar

  • Member
  • Posts: 244
  • 20 Years POZ
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #33 on: June 18, 2006, 12:33:19 PM »
Andy, there is not an ASO in Jackson if closed 2 years ago because of lack of funding the nurses at the clinic I go to help as much as they can but we really don't have much support here in West TN.

Moffie,  Thank You. I look foreword to talking with you.

I am going to talk with my doc about going back to work full time. I have too much time on my hands otherwise  & I really need to get back out on my own again. I love my parents, but they get on my last gay nerve. Just need some distance between us so I can live my life without scrutiny and judgement.

I went to have my car serviced at the Honda dealer here Sat. The general manager knew I have  worked in debt collections before & offered me a job collecting for them. Since I do have a state license  & bonded to do debt collections I could work for them . It would pay more than the bank, plus I would have other office duties to do there. The dealership is less than a mile from my house & I would have full benefits , an hourly wage and commission on what I collect.  Something to think about...

Thanks to everyone for your support here and in PM's.

Love,

Dan

Offline Jeffreyj

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  • Posts: 1,403
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #34 on: June 20, 2006, 08:14:26 AM »
Hi Jordan,
It's me Jeff again. I was reading your recent posts and noticed that you have KS. I have a few encouraging thoughts to share with you!
I was diagnosed with KS in 1995. I had a legion on that side of my wrist for a year or more. They let that go for some reason. A year later I had a liver biopsy. The day of that test I bled like a stuck pig at the fair LoL. I went in for a cholostomy. They found a KS tumor in my small intestine. At first they wanted to do surgery, and remove 80% of my insides. The surgeon was looking at his shoes the entire time he was talking. Rude I thought.
They told me I had a 25% of surving the operation, and would be eating peanuts for dinner. I told the DR to talk a night, get his shoes shined(lol) and come up with a plan "b".
He conferred with another DR. They decided on Chemotherapy. That just were going to ajust some medication strengths, I said now that's alot better of a plan!
I had 3 months of chemo and The tumor was history. Gone. Nada. The DR asked if I could take slides to show
 at a convention in Boston. I said GO FOR IT. To this very day, i'm cancer free.
So please don't get down. There is a great chance you can get through this(I just know you will) If I may suggest, just try to keep a positive frame of mind, and for God's sake, don't lose your sense of humor. And one other thing: Keep you shoes shined (LoL)
I would also be very happy to offer you my phone number: I live in AZ  and I'm available every night from 6pm to 2 am west coast time.Just ask me for my number if you like, I would be more then happy to discuss this with you. It sounds like your family is in the dark, wich must be extra difficult for you. I'm here for you Jordan. Please don't be shy. We are all in this together. I wish you all the best
Lots of Love,
Jeff







Positive since 1985

Offline Eldon

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  • Posts: 2,664
Re: Why am I alive?
« Reply #35 on: June 20, 2006, 09:07:30 PM »
You are still here because there is a PURPOSE for your life. A purpose driven life. You have to seek it out.

 


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