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Why am I alive?

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Oscar:
I found out that I was HIV+ @ the age of 23. I am 43 now. I never thought that I would live this long. What am I  living for? To wake up tomorrow and feel more lonely than I am today? Why am I here? What purpose does my life serve? Sorry for being such a downer.Yeah, I', a little drunk and feeling sorry for myself. It happens sometimes. Why is it that I fall in love with a person (Stephen) I know that will never love me back the way that I want them to? I'm feeling like I have nothing to live for at the moment. The only thing I  have to look foreword to is Montreal. I miss my Oscar. That little dog meant more to me than anyone will ever know. But he is gone now & I feel like I  have no one to love & to love me back. The job at the bank isn't working out. They want me to work more but if I do I will loose my disability and Medicare. I can't pay for my prescriptions they are over 2000.00 dollars a month. At this moment I want to give up & not take another antiretroviral med. It would be a long slow death I know but death would be better than waking up tomorrow and feeling more lonely and dirty than I feel right now. I want to quit, throw in the towel & die. I'm feeling a little sick at the moment and need to go throw up.  I tell myself most of the time "I want to die." Dan is a failure. I live @ home with my parents. I feel members of my family think I'm a failure because I'm 43 fucking years old and I live with my parents. That they think I sponge off them to pay my bills and support me. They don't. I pay my way. But all I live for is to make a damn car payment & pay off credit cards that I ran up because I lived it up thinking that I wouldn't be here now.  I pay my bills and I should be thankful that I am able to do so. But I'm tired of having nothing left. I can' type anymore  right now. I gotta hurl.

Teresa:
I know you miss your dog. Have you thought about getting another dog. There are plenty of dogs that need to be rescued to a good home.
When u hired on that bank wasnt it part time? Just tell them u were hired for part time and thats all u can work. Doesnt seem fair they can try to make u go full time.
So you live with your parents, that is no ones business but yours and your parents. WE live with my brother and i know some people have raised their eyebrows at that...i say screw em..they dont know the whole story and people that judge like that im not waisting my time telling them shit.
Unfortunately we cant choose who we fall in love with...hell most of the time thats just a crap shoot. All we can do is try and if it doesnt work out....cry for awhile..then try to move on..i know its hard.
Well i for one dont want you to die. You have answered a few of my post and got me thru a rough time. It would be a shame..a crying shame not to have you here in this world. You are un replaceable!

well im not feeling very good either...i harldy ever drink..the room is starting to look kinda weird so i better get to bed.

Please hang in there. Alot of people here love you!

Hugs
Teresa

Oscar:
Yeah I've thought about getting another dog but I'm just not ready yet. Oscar helped me through a very difficult time in my life. After my last case of PCP he was there for me.  I want to wait until after Montreal to get another one. I'm saving $ for another Schnauzer.  I need a dog that doesn't shed fur because of my allergies. The bank did hire me as part time but  a lady that works @ the branch I do just retired and they want me to work more. If they offered me insurance I would probably take it. If I did I could earn enough to move out of my parents house & live on my own again. But I don't do well alone.

I'm feeling kinda of jealous because Stephen has started dating a new girlfriend. I shouldl be happy that he has found someone but at the same time I feel left out & cast to the side. the only time he seems to call me is when he needs a ride or $.

I don't drink often either, but tonight I needed to change the way I felt. Didn't work. Seemed to only make things worse inside my head. Maybe I should just go to bed and hope I feel better Saturday. I doubt it though.

lydgate:
Hey Oscar... I've told myself "I can't go on another day feeling like this" many, many times -- and not just over HIV, and sometimes for no reason at all. I had my first depressive episode when I was 10, second at 15, third at 21, fourth at 23... and then every two or three years since (I'm 33). Mostly, no triggers. I've accepted this illness (depression) as part of my life, and know that, given my frequent episodes in the past, I'll almost certainly be on anti-depressants for life. When I'm not depressed (majority of the time), life is life, sometimes wonderful or shitty, but ordinary life, no feelings of despair, worthlessness, I can't go on.

Online amateur diagnosis: What I'm trying to say is: it sounds from your description that you're undergoing a bad depressive episode. Are you on, or have you considered trying, taking antidepresants. Think about it, talk to your doctors about it, make an appointment with a psychiatrist who's handled HIV patients before. There IS hope. I should know, I've grit my teeth and gone through some bad unbelievably painful times times. But they pass. Really they do. I'm not undermining or underestimating how shitty you feel right now. But rather than throwing in the towel, so to speak, please think about seeking med/psych help. Probably the last thing you want to do is see another doctor or deal with another medicine that may take a while to work. But it IS a viable option. And when you feel better, you'll be in control of your life again, and make decisions about what needs to be done to make it better -- as a strong man who's beaten HIV for 20 years. None of this meant to sound platitudinous. I mean every word. Get in touch if you want talk about how crappy you're feeling. I'm here to listen, and offer my help in whatever little way I can.

With a hug from someone who occasionally drinks too much to numb the pains of existence as well...

lydgate

Teresa:
Next time he calls wanting money or a ride tell him to call his new girlfriend.

You deserve better than that!

Hugs
Teresa

P.S. feel a little better since i puked...do you?

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