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Hi, my name is Lee. Iím now in my early 40s and live in Brighton in the UK.  I was diagnosed in February of last year having just come out of a long-term relationship, I was deeply in love with my partner but he became increasingly abusive, no sex, flinching if I tried to cuddle him, eventually hitting me.  Iím attending a clinic and have been told my CD4 count has dropped and I need to start meds at my next appointment in March.

You wouldnít believe how long itís taken me to write this even though Iíve wanted to for so long, Iím so up and down with my feelings.  Iím so lonely and scared and grieving that I donít know what to do.  Iíve tried to read about the drugs and possible side-effects but it overwhelms me and I just start thinking Iíll become really sick or psychotic and there is no-one there to support me.  Iíll lose my job and my home.

Iíve tried going out on the gay scene but I have no real connection to it so it only makes me feel even more isolated.  I canít believe at this moment that Iíll ever have a relationship again.  There seems no point to this existence or any future.

I donít know what else to writeÖI donít think I should even post this.

Thank you for listening,


Hi Lee,

Welcome to the forums. Now that you found us, you don't have to go through this totally alone. Although this site is based in the US, there are quite a few of us who are in the UK (including Brighton) and other parts of Europe. I live in the Isle of Man.

There's plenty of point to a future and don't sell yourself short - there are other people here on the far side of thirty who have found love again - despite being hiv positive. You can too.

As for the meds, did your doctor say what you will be starting on? Let us know, if you know, and there will be people on that combo who can talk to you about it.

Please also check out the Lessons and Drugs sections of this website. (links in the upper left-hand corner of any forum page) The information here is well written and easily digestable. If you have any questions about what you've read, feel free to come back here and ask.

We all know what a rollercoaster of emotions that first year can be - so please come back and post some more. You're among people who care.


Hi, Lee and welcome to the forums.

Being in a relationship without intimacy is really hard.  You start to feel that there's something wrong with you.  Remember that there are two sides to it and that your ex probably had issues as well.  Those issues were probably all about him... not you.  The fact that he hit you speaks volumes to that.   I hope you can come to realize that his problems are not your fault.

Rest assured, your feeling of being out of synch with the gay scene is extremely common.  There are a lot of men out there who don't feel comfortable going to bars, clubs, or with Internet dating.  While this certainly doesn't make it any easier to find a new partner or new friends, it's still not impossible.  Try joining local gay clubs or doing volunteer work.  Get involved.  But get involved in a part of the community that's more attractive to people like you.  And.. don't wait for people to come and talk to you.  So many guys really are too insecure to make the first move, and in truth, they are perfectly nice guys.    Also, whatever you project is what people will see.  If you have a negative attitude that 'all gay men are out for sex' or bad or whatever, that negativity will register loud and clear.

It's a difficult ride being HIV+.  This site is here to help you get in touch with your feelings, to talk to people who have some of the same feelings as you.  there are a lot of great guys on here and you might that you can have some interesting and helpful conversations.

All the best to you.  Big hug, and keep your chin up.  And start checking out the other forums.  You will begin to feel like there really are people who understand and have been through what you've been through.

Hi Lee. Welcome to the forum. If you haven't discovered it by now, you will likely find many people & stories here that are familiar. Most are interesting, compassionate, and empathic forum members. Glad you took the step to post and say "hey".  Come back and visit with us and participate.. You are old enough to know that good things CAN still happen for you. You have a future; it may not be the exact one you imagined. 
P.S. How about that Ann! Living on the Isle of Man of all places.

Dear lee,

welcome to the forums and to our "community"
Whenever I want to cheer up, I look at the other bad things that people can go through.
For instance, you had the chance to have a relationship even though from what you said it's wasn't an excellent one but HEY you were in a relationship.
You live in an outstanding country that gives support to HIV+ people (like meetings, social support, medical coverage) I live in a country where HIV is a big taboo and everything should be a secret. I don't know how much i can hold that secret more.
I can relate to your pain and frustration. and HIV is indeed a roller coaster of feelings and i can't wait for time to pass to feel free again
There are many other "bad diseases" in the world that can kill you faster than HIV, like cancer, heart attacks..
Each one reacts to HIV differently, some take more time to handle THIS than others do. I was diagnosed 20 days ago and I have a long way ahead so you are not alone my friend.


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