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Author Topic: Is it really anyone's business?  (Read 3385 times)

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Offline cubbybear

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Is it really anyone's business?
« on: February 12, 2007, 08:50:49 PM »
Hey Guys.

I havent started a post in a little while but something happened recently that really irked me and I just needed to vent.

It seems that anytime I tell my friends that I have met someone that I may be interested in, the first thing that comes out of their mouth is "have you told them you are positive?".  This is coming from my negative friends mostly, and frankly every time I hear someone say that to me, it's like dragging your fingernails down a chalk board.  I know they are probably being well meaning, but I don't ask them if they tell their new aquatinences if they told them they are negative, or have herpes or HPV or what ever else.

Positive or Negative, is it really someone else's business if and when I tell someone I am interested in that I am positive?  I don't think so.  Who made them the HIV disclosure police?  Conversations have typically been, hey guess what, I met a guy on the weekend.. They say, "great, have you told them your positive?". ARGH! 

Sorry, I just wanted to have a little rant on something that is my business.  I disclose when I feel the need, and each and every time I have I have met with good results.. but is it really anyone's beeswax to see if I have told someone I may like to get to know a little better.

Anyway, all is rosey in Cubbyland... as always.
much love.
Matt
There's a bear in there!
Positive since 2000
Diagnosed 17/9/2005 CD4 35 VL 293,000
Meds 23/9/2005 Sustiva/Truvada
Currently CD4 232 VL Undetectable

Offline Ihavehope

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2007, 08:58:47 PM »
Hey Cubby
btw, your avatar pic is adorable. I am normally not into cubbies but you are the exception.

Anyway back to the topic. I understand you 100% about your friends nagging you about disclosure to potential boyfriends but put yourself in your friends shoes. They probably are looking out for you more than they should but perhaps they don't want you to get hurt. Unfortunately many people are afraid to be with someone who is poz if they are negative. As annoying as it is to hear your friends nagging you, deep inside you know it's an issue that you have to confront sooner or later if you wish to pursue the relationship with the guy. If you don't want your friends to bring this topic up then just tell them you know what you are doing and appreciate their advice but it's not needed.
Infected: April 2005
12/6/06 - Diagnosed HIV positive
12/19/06 - CD4 = 240  22% VL = 26,300
1/4/07 - CD4 = 200 16% VL = ?
2/9/07 = Started Kaletra/Truvada
3/13/07 = CD4 = 386 22% VL ?

Online RapidRod

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2007, 08:59:35 PM »
Cub, the next time they ask go, "Don't worry I have it tattooed across my dick. I'm sure they'll see it." ;)

Offline aupointillimite

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2007, 08:59:51 PM »
Oh God... I get that from time to time, too.

"Thanks for butting your nose into my business.  Have you told that guy you're seeing about the two abortions you had while you were cheating on your boyfriend at the time and made him pay for?  I didn't think so."

The Disclosure Police... and what are they gonna do if you say no?  Tell them for you?  It's a ridiculous question... and insanely presumptuous and rude.
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline DingoBoi

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2007, 09:00:28 PM »
I know it rubs you the wrong way, but I think it comes from a perspective of 'I don't want you to get hurt' rather than just being ignorant, which they still are, but it's still a valid concern for many pozzies dating.  I've been Shunnedô a few times for being evil incarnate myself from people I've met and then disclosed to.

It's still very hard for pozzies to date a new person.  Some are enlightened but I still think most are stuck in the 'I won't date someone with hiv because THEY will think I'm poz too".  

I know the comment can cut, but I don't think they really mean anything bad about it either.  Of course, I don't know your friends.

Just my perspective on this.  Cut em some slack, because if you are even talking to them about somebody you met, they sound like good enough friends and are probably just concerned about you... even if they don't express it in the best way with this type of question.

Bailey (who is occasional constructive and not an uberdich)


Offline koi1

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #5 on: February 12, 2007, 09:07:28 PM »
Yes Cubby,

Disclosure is definitely your business. And I would add that anyone who does not get tested regularly and knows they are negative for the month should just keep to themselves. Maybe you should tell them how this makes you feel. And yes the rejection sucks. Had my first one, and it really sucks.

rob
diagnosed on 11/20/06 viral load 23,000  cd4 97    8%
01/04/07 six weeks after diagnosis vl 53,000 cd4 cd4 70    6%
Began sustiva truvada 01/04/07
newest labs  drawn on 01/15/07  vl 1,100    cd4 119    7%
Drawn 02/10/07
cd4=160 viral load= 131 percentage= 8%
New labs 3/10/07 (two months on sustiva truvada
cd4 count 292  percentage 14 viral load undetectable

Offline cubbybear

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #6 on: February 12, 2007, 09:13:24 PM »
Thanks for the replies guys.  Disclosure itself is not a problem for me, I will tell someone when I am ready, be it sooner or later and I have done both the sooner, and the later.  It's just the issue of my friends "making sure" I have disclosed.

Rod you just solved all of my problems with one simple sentence! Thank you!

Bailey, I have to agree there, I am afraid I sometimes don't think of things from my friends perspective, it's usually defensive mode as soon as they scrape their fingernails across that damn chalk board.  I'll give em a break, but Rod's line is definitely going to come in handy.
There's a bear in there!
Positive since 2000
Diagnosed 17/9/2005 CD4 35 VL 293,000
Meds 23/9/2005 Sustiva/Truvada
Currently CD4 232 VL Undetectable

Offline Robert

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #7 on: February 12, 2007, 09:15:44 PM »
of course not, Matt.  "tain't nobody's business

 When someone asks me something that is none of their business, I always ask them, "What's it to ya?"  Puts them on the defensive.  Then I tell them to buzz off.

And there is a bear where?

robert
..........

Online RapidRod

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #8 on: February 12, 2007, 09:23:39 PM »
Cub, just don't stand in their line of fire if they have a drink in their mouth.  :D

Offline tsw923

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #9 on: February 12, 2007, 10:07:18 PM »
Cubby,

I thought it was just me.  I tried to take it as my friend making sure I don't set myself to get set up, but it did kind of ring of -- 'Don't you dare be intimate without telling him...'  Ahh well, I put it down to one of the 'unknown' side affects of disclosing to friends.

Ty
Help find a cure for leukemia, lymphoma, and other blood-related cancers by sponsoring me as I walk a 1/2 marathon as a part of the Maryland chapter of Team in Training.  To find out more and to donate, please click on the following site:  http://www.active.com/donate/tntmd/tswtntmd

Offline allopathicholistic

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #10 on: February 12, 2007, 10:21:59 PM »
They're protecting your feelings and they know you really well, i.e., your strengths and areas for improvement. If I'm confusing you with another member please say so but didn't you tell us you have huge issues with disclosure, sometimes even to the point of "running" without even giving the other guy a clue/chance, etc.?

Offline fearless

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #11 on: February 13, 2007, 12:54:39 AM »
Picking up on Rod's idea, Matt.

You could work the tattoo so that when flaccid, it just read; HIV, but when you are erect it could read; Human Immunodeficiency Virus
Be forgiving, be grateful, be optimistic

Offline Cliff

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #12 on: February 13, 2007, 02:41:05 AM »
I like Robert's suggestion.  Ask them why they want to know.  If you're uncomfortable enough to start a thread about it, then you have an issue with them asking and regardless of their motives, you should let them know that you are uncomfortable with them always asking about you disclosing. 

Offline Queen Tokelove

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #13 on: February 13, 2007, 02:48:40 AM »
It must be nice to have someone mention it out of concern. But is the concern really for you or the innocent person that they feel is a victim if you don't tell them? My fam did not do it out of concern they told the world to be spiteful. It's funny when folks say they have your best interest in mind when it comes to disclosure but hey disclosure is one of the demons I have to deal with. It must be nice to be able to disclose and it's all peaches and cream.
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline randym431

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #14 on: February 13, 2007, 04:23:03 AM »
Hieeee Mat
Just on of lifeís little annoyances. Like being asked for your ID when you write a check somewhere. It pisses you off, but maybe they are trying to look out for your welfare. Wonder what Joan Collins would do? (drink in the face   ;D  )

Offline marco23

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #15 on: February 13, 2007, 07:06:42 AM »
Yea, that can get rather annoying and I agree, it's none of their business....um, by the way, where is Cubbyland. I'd like to get on some of those rides!  ;)  :D
Don't hide your hurt, pain and feelings inside..for they will harden your heart.

Offline indyguy

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #16 on: February 13, 2007, 07:12:32 AM »
Dito from my friends here.
Meds doing well so far.

Offline DanielMark

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #17 on: February 13, 2007, 08:27:23 AM »
Is it really someone else's business if and when I tell someone I am interested in that I am positive?

No, it is not Matt. Yes, it may well be out of concern, but it's nonetheless invasive and awkwardly insensitive.

In this age of instant and prying journalism, everyone seems to think they have some automatic right to know everything about everyone. Nonsense, I say.

Be gentle and tell them it's not something they need to know, is my suggestion.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline Ann

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #18 on: February 13, 2007, 08:47:59 AM »
Oh Matt, that would piss me off no end! I think if someone asked me that, I'd say something like "not yet, but I made sure I told him about your herpes." Pity I couldn't use the tatoo line. ;D

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline poet

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #19 on: February 13, 2007, 09:05:51 AM »
I'm glad you brought this up, Matt.  My reading is that it's a case in point about the negative/positive divide.  We've had our threads here about disclosure, when to do it, how to do it.  But, thinking back, I don't remember anyone going as far as saying, 'great, have you told him you're positive?'  Why?  Because we usually tell each other whether we have or not in a thread or post.  That, being hiv positive, is what connects us.  Because we, hiv positive men and women here in the forums, know that it is an issue, a given if and when any of us meet someone who is (presumed to be) negative.  We are with each other, on  each other's side with this, even when we may differ on the when and how.  

But the world is black and white to all too many hiv negative men and women.  Hiv, not looks, not age, not income, not career, not distance is THE first issue, the assumption being that, because it probably is for them, our being hiv positive will send anyone fleeing, long before the other issues get looked at, such as could you date someone who....  The comments makes me wonder how your friends or anyone else's who can identify with this, sees you, as 'Matt, the hiv positive friend'?  Have they lost Matt, the person, the friend, and can only see this other Matt?  


Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline randym431

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #20 on: February 13, 2007, 12:46:58 PM »
Another thought. To answer them, you could just flash them your million dollar smile and say "in good time".
Like, just rise above it all.   ;)

Offline ACinKC

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #21 on: February 13, 2007, 12:53:17 PM »
I just say, no. Resistence is FUTILE.  He will be assimilated.
LIFE is not a race to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in broadside,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--WOW! WHAT A
RIDE!!!

Offline bear60

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #22 on: February 13, 2007, 01:03:04 PM »
Cub, the next time they ask go, "Don't worry I have it tattooed across my dick. I'm sure they'll see it." ....quote Rod
..................................
Actually, I know guys from back in the 80's who had that " hazmat " symbol tatooed on the back of their neck. or shoulder. Whatever.
This was also during the period of time when guys with 5 T Cells were naming them.
Matt, frankly, this may be just another thing that being HIV positive has thrown your way.  You cant change the fact that you are HIV positive.  Although your friends may have your best interest at heart....   do you ask them if they always wear condoms and get tested once a year?  If they are going out on a date, do you remind them that they should "be safe" ?  I find it an invasion on your privacy.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline mjmel

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #23 on: February 13, 2007, 01:05:58 PM »
Matt,
My sympathies to you for the company you keep as friends.........well, no they are not friends........must be acquaintances. Sure does sound like they don't trust you to be honest with potential sex partners, doesn't it. You really must be a super nice guy to put up with this kind of.....cross examination. If they don't mean it that way then why are they saying it "that way". Don't they have a clue? It's rude!
xxx,
Mike

Offline Buckmark

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #24 on: February 13, 2007, 01:06:35 PM »
Matt,

I don't think it is your friends' business to ask  you if you've told a new/potential
boyfirned that you are positive.  I've had friends ask me the same thing, and I find
it very annoying.   I'd like to think they are being helpful, to be sure I don't get
hurt.  But my usual impression is that  they are trying to "make sure" I disclose
before engaging in any kind of sexual relations.  Or, they have some fascination /
obsession in seeing what happens when a positive person discloses (not unlike
the voyeurism I associate with reality TV).

When friends have asked me this, I have asked them in response:  "Why are you
asking?".   Usually they stumble for an answer, which suggests to me they know
they shouldn't be asking.

Either way, it is none of their business when I disclose.  I also wonder why they
are not so concerned about disclosure of any other important information, e.g.,
other diseases; weird sexual fetishes; interests and hobbies; job history; bank
account balance; etc. etc. etc.  As Poet has written below, I think it is an example
of the negative/positive divide, and how for many people (I think especially gay
people) it has become the single most important facet of any relationship, far
eclipsing all others.

Regards,

Henry
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #25 on: February 13, 2007, 04:35:59 PM »
My friends know better than to ask me crap like that.  I have them too well trained.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline Coffeechick88

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #26 on: February 13, 2007, 06:26:00 PM »
I get that too and it really pisses me off.  It pisses me off even more when people take it upon themselves to disclose for me.  I am the one who decides when to disclose and it isn't any of their business.  I still remember when I was working for my uncle and dating a co-worker.  One day, my uncle happened to see me get out of his car (we had gone on our lunch break together) and saw us kiss.  Oh boy, he sure flew off the handle and started rambling about how I was hurting his business and he needed this business because his wife had cancer and how could I screw around with a co-worker.  Than he drug the co-worker in and screamed, "What were you thinking?  She's HIV +!!!!!!"  Besides the fact I can barely stand to be in the same room as him, that was one reason I didn't want this uncle to know.  (the day I tested positive my mom told her whole family.)  It's my damn decision who knows and when they get to know.  It's the same as if I ask them if they use condoms and if they got tested for STDs.  Oddly enough, one of the people who always grills me about whether the guy has HIV and when I say no, she asks if I've disclosed--that girl has genital herpes and has had gonorrhea before and has Hep C(one of those people who share way too much information about herself)--but I have never asked her what she does when she gets a sexual partner.  It's as if she thinks my virus means I have no right to privacy, but I know if I did the same thing to her, she would go off on me--a little hypocritical of her.

I wish I could use that tattoo line though.   ;D 
« Last Edit: February 13, 2007, 06:28:07 PM by Coffeechick88 »
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Offline DanielMark

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #27 on: February 14, 2007, 06:03:27 AM »
If anyone asked me such a thing I'd simply look them in the eyes and say,
"Thank you for your concern but that's none of your business."



 :-*

MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline cubbybear

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #28 on: February 14, 2007, 06:27:53 AM »
Oh Matt, that would piss me off no end! I think if someone asked me that, I'd say something like "not yet, but I made sure I told him about your herpes." Pity I couldn't use the tatoo line. ;D

Ann


Ann, LOL you realise I just spat my coffee on the keyboard.  Sorry Rod, but I'm going with Ann's line now haha.

Everyone thank you for the replies, they are really appreciated.
There's a bear in there!
Positive since 2000
Diagnosed 17/9/2005 CD4 35 VL 293,000
Meds 23/9/2005 Sustiva/Truvada
Currently CD4 232 VL Undetectable

Offline med forum

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #29 on: February 14, 2007, 09:11:52 AM »
I believe that everyone has a right to tell the people that they feel should know....friends or not, they shouldn't concern themselves about whether or not you have disclosed....that is your own personal choice and when and if you are ready, you and only you will know.
Peace & health

Offline pozguy75

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Re: Is it really anyone's business?
« Reply #30 on: February 14, 2007, 09:55:45 AM »
Matt,

I know exactly what you mean...I hate that when my neggie friends ask me the same thing...it drives me crazy! I agree with everyone else...

Now, I am researching flights to Australia...and just one thing...Matt, I am HIV positive...just so you know, before we get into any heavy petting!  ;D

phew, now that's out of the way, I can report back to my friends and let them know I told you!

Okay...

Love you mister! God, you are cute!
Dx 2005
ATRIPLA

 


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